501 Ways to Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem

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501 Ways to Boost Your Child's Self-esteem 1St Ed. Ramsey, Robert D. NTC Contemporary 0809233916 9780809233915 9780071391955 English Self-esteem in children, Child rearing. 1994 BF723.S3R36 1994eb 649/.1 Self-esteem in children, Child rearing.

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501 Ways to Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem Robert D. Ramsey

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title: author: publisher: isbn10 | asin: print isbn13: ebook isbn13: language: subject publication date: lcc: ddc: subject:

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501 Ways to Boost Your Child's Self-esteem 1St Ed. Ramsey, Robert D. NTC Contemporary 0809233916 9780809233915 9780071391955 English Self-esteem in children, Child rearing. 1994 BF723.S3R36 1994eb 649/.1 Self-esteem in children, Child rearing.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available from the United States Library of Congress. Cover illustration by Eileen M. Schechner Published by Contemporary Books A division of NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group, Inc. 4255 West Touhy Avenue, Lincolnwood (Chicago), Illinois 60712-1975 U.S.A. Copyright © 1994 by Tribune Publishing All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group, Inc. Printed in the United States of America International Standard Book Number: 0-8092-3391-6 99 00 01 02 03 04 DP 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6

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Introduction How children see themselves shapes how they engage the world. One of the biggest differences between winners and losers is that winners believe in themselves and see themselves as worthy of being in the winner's circle. Helping children to like themselves and to have a positive self-image is the greatest gift any parent can bestow. Positive self-esteem is the key to successful living. The perfect parent doesn't exist. But any parent in any kind of family can find ways to make their children feel good about themselves and to face life on equal terms. Children don't invent a low self-image for themselves. They learn it from adults, mostly parents. In working with thousands

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of young people in three major school systems in two states, I've observed first-hand the power of positive parenting. As the most significant influences in the lives of children, it's our job to help them experience success, make mistakes without shame and grow up proud of who they are. It happens when we show them they're important, special and capable of winning. Raising children right is a matter of doing lots of little things that make a big difference later in life. This minibook of practical ideas contains many of the "little things" that helped in raising our two children to be successful adults. Now they are competent, confident parents starting the same cycle

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of success all over again with their children. These simple acts of encouragement and empowerment have worked for many families. They can work for you, too. No parent can do everything right. But any parent can do lots of right things to establish their child's sense of selfworth. Through caring, listening, praising, reinforcing and taking your child seriously, you can give the gift of selfesteem and make your child a winner. The following suggestions will start you on that road. Why not begin the journey now? DR. ROBERT D. RAMSEY

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1. Start your child off right. Don't give her a silly name or initials that will cause a lifetime of embarrassment. 2. Hug your child every day. 3. Do more bragging than nagging. 4. Be optimistic. It's catching. 5. Teach your child that there's more than one kind of family.

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6. Save the best twinkle in your eye for your child. 7. Never be embarrassed to say, "I love you." 8. Don't draw a line in the sand during a sandstorm. You shouldn't pick the worst possible time to take a stand. 9. Catch your child being good. 10. Don't expect consistency, logic, unselfishness or other miracles from your child.

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11. Really listen to your child. Don't interrupt or finish his sentences. 12. Try to attend every event, game and performance in which your child is involved. 13. Respect what your child wants to be called. 14. Make it clear that certain behavior is unacceptable; but that doesn't make the person doing it unacceptable.

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15. Sometimes when there's a conflict between work and family, choose family. 16. Respect your child's privacy. 17. Skip stones across water with your child. 18. Don't spend much time on "what ifs" and "if onlys" in raising your child. 19. Show your child positive ways to calm down. 20. Make a big deal of birthdays.

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21. Don't expect every lesson to be learned the first time. 22. Let your child crawl in bed with you if she is really scared. 23. If your child makes it, cherish it. 24. When your child needs comforting, don't worry about messing up your hair or wrinkling your clothes.

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25. Spend as much time as you can outdoors with your child. Bonding flourishes in the fresh air. 26. Maintain an open-door policy for your children; but let them close theirs. 27. Don't expect your child to ''take it like a man'' if he's still a little boy. 28. Help your child remember the good times in the bad times.

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29. Post your child's drawings and schoolwork in prominent places. That's what refrigerator doors are for.

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30. Listen to your child's nightmares. 31. Show respect for your child's favorite stuffed toy. 32. Stress progress, not perfection, with your child. 33. Don't rush childhood. 34. Pay attention to your child's health, rest and nutrition. If the body feels good, the psyche does too. 35. Go fishing with your child.

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36. Don't end the day with an argument. 37. Accept that it's OK not to be a perfect parent. It will reduce pressure on both you and your child. 38. Work a giant jigsaw puzzle with your child. 39. Don't always bring work home. It gives the impression that your job is more important than your family.

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40. Let your child eat pizza for breakfast sometimes. 41. Realize that sometimes your child cries for good reason and sometimes just for the effect. 42. Realize that even little people can be broken-hearted sometimes. 43. Don't try to relieve your life through your child. 44. Smile a lot. It won't crack your face and it will help break the ice with your child.

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45. Give your child a flashlight of his own. 46. Always give your child a second chance. 47. Don't get hung up on what's ''normal" for children your child's age. 48. Remember, if your child thinks it's important, it's important.

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49. Tell your child about your own dreams and hopes for the future.

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50. Make the most of what time you have with your child. Even grocery shopping can be "quality time" if you make it interesting and fun. 51. Teach your child some magic tricks. 52. When he's little, interrupt whatever you're doing and tuck your child into bed every night. 53. Don't treat all your children alike. They don't all need the same things.

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54. Have family carnivals where each member has his own booth and gives out prizes. 55. When you're angry, don't give your child the "silent treatment." It will only teach her to do the same to you later on. 56. Keep a wall chart of your child's changing height. 57. Recognize your child's good intentions, even though the follow-through doesn't always happen. 58. Don't be afraid to let your child see you cry.

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59. Surprise your child with a piñata on a special birthday. 60. Don't overreact to the sniffles. Hypochondria is a communicable disease. 61. Observe and listen to your child at play to pick up cues as to how he views himself and you. 62. When there's trouble between parents, be sure your child understands it's not her fault.

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63. Don't count on popular women's magazines to help raise your child. 64. Pick wildflowers with your child. 65. Encourage your child to try again. 66. Get down on eye level with your child once in a while. 67. Minimize shaming and blaming in your family. 68. Give your child choices whenever possible.

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69. Watch sunrises and sunsets together with your child. 70. Don't hold a grudge against your child. 71. Let your child make her own mistakes. 72. Remember that no one should have to wear hand-me-downs all the time. 73. Let your child wear wild socks if he wants to.

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74. Don't take yourself too seriously as a parent. A lot of good growing up will occur in spite of you. 75. Remember no child is too small to own something nice. 76. Have a reason for your rules. 77. Touch your child more often as an expression of affection and support than as a form of punishment or rebuke.

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78. Don't decide what your child is like based on an IQ or other test score. 79. Remember you are your child's first and most important teacher. 80. Rock your child a lot when she is tiny. It empowers both of you. 81. Let your child play with your pots and pans once in a while.

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82. Go to the zoo together. 83. Read the Sunday comic strips to your child. 84. Don't feel you always have to have the last word. 85. Discipline with firmnessnot with anger. 86. Visit a pet shop with your child. Help him cultivate a love of animals. 87. Talk to other parents a lot. Don't raise your child in a vacuum.

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88. Get help if you have a problem of dependency of any kind. It will boost your self-esteem and your child's, too. 89. Don't get apathetic about a good breakfast for your child. 90. Be sure your child has a swing of some kind. 91. Let your child know that if he needs you, you'll be there no matter what.

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92. Help your child remember the good things she does. This is the essence of self-esteem.

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93. Listen to the bad things your child has to tell you as well as the good things. 94. Remember, not all bruises show up on the outside. 95. If you can't think of the right words to say, just hold your child close. 96. Don't tease your child if it's not fun for him. 97. Let your child have a secret hideout.

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98. Sometimes, allow your child to eat dessert first. 99. Remember, you're the adult. 100. Fly a kite with your child. 101. Don't rely on bribery to get the job done. It's not an effective tool for parenting. 102. Remember that children need standards and find limits comforting.

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103. Read The Measure of Our Success by Marian Wright Edelman. 104. Always carry a recent photo of your child. 105. Don't lie to your childbut don't lie for her either. 106. Pamper your child when he is really ill. 107. Give your child something important to do and let him do it on his own.

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108. Celebrate your child's successeseven the little ones. 109. Don't act concerned if your little girl is a tomboy or if your little boy likes to play with dolls. 110. Take a train ride with your child. 111. Appreciate a dandelion bouquet if you're lucky enough to get one. 112. Have a backup plan in case something your child is counting on falls through.

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113. At least once, let your child be the ''first kid on the block'' to do or have something. 114. Don't go overboard on Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. It can shake your child's confidence and trust when she learns the truth. 115. Give your child a whistle to use as an alarm or call for help.

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116. Remember that hot chocolate on a cold day can help melt the ice and warm up conversation between you and your child. 117. Take your child's photograph often. 118. Don't pooh-pooh imaginary friends. 119. Visit a planetarium with your child. 120. Provide your child with plenty of crayons and drawing paper.

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121. Remember that sometimes being a parent is about loving the unlovable. 122. Be on time for appointments with your child. 123. Leave a light on if your child is afraid of the dark. 124. Make a tent or fort in your living room and camp out inside some night. 125. If you're wrong, promptly admit it. 126. Don't shy away from affection.

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127. Establish routines. They add to your child's sense of security. 128. Expect your child to let you down sometimes. 129. Make sure your child gets to see a circus sometime. 130. Let your child play dress-up in your old clothes. 131. Get all the facts before dealing out any discipline.

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132. Be quick to forgive. 133. Go hiking together. 134. Be sure to fill in all of your child's baby book. You'll both enjoy it in future years. 135. Don't make guilt a big part of your child's life. 136. Always tell your child goodbye before you leave. 137. Make up stories with your child.

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138. Write down the whimsical and funny things your child says. You'll both enjoy them in later years. 139. Let your child put her handprint or footprint in the wet cement of your new driveway or sidewalk. 140. Remember all those things you said as a child that you would never do when you grew up and had your own childrenand don't do them.

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141. Don't make every meal a contest of wills. Give in sometimes. (Even some presidents don't like broccoli.) 142. Always answer when your child speaks to you. Being ignored makes you feel invisible. 143. Teach your child to give herself ''positive inside messages" in the face of negative peer pressure. 144. Treat your child to a root-beer float for no reason.

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145. Despite the protests of dentists and nutritionists, remember that every child needs some candy once in a while. 146. Laugh at your child's jokes. 147. Never say never. It may come back to haunt you. 148. Don't make your child do or try things he is afraid of. 149. Get your child's teeth fixed if they need it.

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150. Sing along with your child. 151. If your child has a favorite outfit, let her wear ita lot. 152. Be silly with your child once in a while. 153. Walk in a warm, soft rain together. 154. Don't permit name-calling among family members.

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155. Don't spare superlatives ("Wow," "Terrific," ''Awesome,'' etc.) when your child excels at something. 156. Let your child tell you a story at bedtime now and then. 157. Take care of your own needs for rest. Fatigue breeds short tempers, and tired parents tend to be overly cautious, conservative and restrictive. 158. Be aware of your child's needs.

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159. Celebrate Children's Day as you do Mother's Day or Father's Day. 160. Let your child use your cologne or aftershave. 161. Don't worry much about your child staying inside the lines when coloring. 162. Make pancakes on Sunday morning. 163. Don't always make your little children eat at a separate table when company comes.

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164. Be satisfied with your child as he is. 165. Teach your child the differences between ''me first" and "my turn." 166. Don't set your children up to fail by pushing them to do things they aren't ready for. 167. Remember that timing is important in communicating with your child.

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168. Have family traditions. They provide predictability and stability that comforts children. Many times, children will perpetuate these same traditions as adults.

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169. Tell your child the truth and say what you mean. 170. If feasible, name godparents for your child. It enlarges the child's lifelong support system. 171. Try to see your child as others see him. It may give you a better opinion of him. 172. Spend time stargazing with your child on a still night.

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173. Don't tickle your child if it drives her crazy. 174. Wink at your child when you two have a secret. 175. Seek out different and interesting playgrounds for your child and his friends. 176. Don't make excuses for your child. Let her take the consequences of her actions.

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177. Understand that sometimes your child may not want to grow up. It's too scary. Let him be little a little while longer. 178. Save something important from each year of your child's life. 179. Let grandparents spoil your child. That's what they're for. 180. Don't get in the habit of comparing your child with everyone else's.

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181. If your child complains that you're too crabby, think about it. The child might be right.

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182. Notice when your child does something better. 183. Walk the family dog with your child. It's a good time to talk. 184. Enjoy spontaneous picnics with your child. 185. "Roughhouse" with your child if she likes itbut know when to quite. 186. Usually, try to buy your children gifts of equal value. They may be keeping score.

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187. Have a plan in case you get separated from your child at the mall or in a crowd. 188. Eat meals together as a family. 189. Hold hands with your child. 190. Have favorite books that you read and reread to your child. (Dr. Seuss is always a good choice.) 191. Go wading with your child and squish mud between your toes.

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192. Let your child ''buy'' his own tickets for movies, carnival rides, etc. 193. Build sand castles with your child. 194. When your whole family goes on a trip, be sure to do some "kid stuff" part of the time. 195. Take time to have a tea party with your child while she is still small. 196. Find a tree that both you and your child can climb.

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197. Teach your child that the only dumb question is the one never asked. 198. Let your child put ketchup or chocolate on anything she wants sometimes. 199. Help your child build something. 200. If your child tells you a secret, keep it. 201. Send your child something through the mail.

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202. Avoid ''do it or else" situations whenever possible. 203. Don't use sarcasm with your child. Sarcasm almost always alienates. 204. Don't promise what you can't deliver. 205. Teach your child what to do in case of fire. 206. If your child catches an edible fish, eat it.

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207. Do whatever you can to expand your child's vocabulary. 208. Don't try to buy your child's respect. It won't work for you and it won't work for him if he tries it later on. 209. If your child hates a particular outfit, don't make her wear it. 210. Bake cookies together.

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211. Let your child help wash the family car. 212. Don't get in the position of having your child expect to be paid for everything they do at home. 213. Let your child help make the weekly grocery list. 214. Always have a surprise on hand for those times when something good happens unexpectedly. 215. Remember the names of your child's friends.

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216. Let your child have a lemonade stand. 217. When you're worried, don't tell your child, "There's nothing wrong." 218. Let your child help decide where to plant the new tree in your yard. 219. Don't be too fussy about how clean your child's room is. Twenty years from now it won't matter much.

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220. Take your child to see The Nutcracker at holiday time. 221. Look for the first signs of spring with your child. 222. Create and display a collage of family pictures. 223. Spend one-on-one time with each child every week. 224. Remember what your child tells you.

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225. Encourage your child to learn and try new thingsbut don't push too hard or too fast. 226. Don't ignore or shy away from tough questions. 227. Resist the temptation to say, "You're too little to understand." 228. Let your child say grace at meal time. 229. Tell other people about your child's successesin front of your child.

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230. Make valentines with your child. 231. Teach your child to finish projects once they're started. 232. Don't throw away something your child really wants to keep for a while longer. 233. Teach your child to floss. 234. If you can't buy a new bike, at least paint the old one.

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235. Don't always make your child eat the dark meat. 236. Let your child eat off the good dishes like the grown-ups once in a while. 237. Help your child learn about other races and cultures. 238. Let your child help you with the family barbecue. Teach her the secrets of your special burgers.

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239. Hunt for seashells with your child and keep the most interesting ones you find. 240. Let your child pick out your earrings or necktie sometimes. 241. Grow something together. 242. Hang a full-length mirror in your child's room.

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243. Make something special of Valentine's Day. It's one of the few occasions dedicated exclusively to Love. 244. Encourage your child to explore and solve problems, rather than you doing things for him all the time. 245. Make ''looking out for one another'' a basic value in your family. 246. Invite your child to visit you at work.

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247. Stay home and have a family New Year's Eve party one year. 248. Let your child pop the popcorn. 249. Rake leaves with your childand play in them together. 250. Don't make fun of other people's kids. 251. If you can, arrange for your child to ride on a fire truck or in a police car.

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252. Encourage your child to enter a poster or coloring contest. 253. Get your child her own magazine subscription. 254. Teach your child how to apologize. 255. Let your child see you be romantic with your spouse sometimes.

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256. Don't act dramatically different toward your child in public than you do in private. 257. Take your child to an old-fashioned drive-in movie (if you can find one). 258. When your child's world has come to an end, help him get through the day. A new world will start tomorrow.

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259. You don't have to let your child win every time you play a game, but everyone should win sometimes. 260. Let your child serve your breakfast in bed on your birthday, Mother's Day or Father's Day. 261. Don't be phony around your child. She'll know it and her trust will be undermined. 262. Ride an old-fashioned merry-go-round with your child.

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263. Wear whatever jewelry your child gives you no matter how gaudy it is. 264. Show your child how to break big tasks down into smaller ones and to take one step at a time. 265. Watch for signs of stress in your child (bad dreams, unreasonable temper tantrums, etc.). 266. Give your child a personalized mug.

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267. Let your child know that anybody can have a good idea. 268. Go to a state or county fair with your child. Visit the animal barns together. 269. Once in a while set aside an evening for the entire family to play board games. 270. Don't tell your child, ''This will hurt me more than it does you." He won't believe you.

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271. Teach your child that everyone makes mistakes and you don't have to be perfect to be loved. 272. Go shopping together for things you both like. 273. Don't accept sloppy work from your child. There is pride in a job well done. 274. When you're away, call to tell your child you miss her. 275. Let your child name the new family pet.

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276. Praise effortnot just success. 277. Let your child eat a Twinkie once in a while. 278. If you can't go to the seashore, have a beach party at home around the wading pool and the sandbox. 279. Realize that sometimes shame and embarrassment are punishment enough. 280. Introduce your child to food from other nations.

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281. Apologize to your child when you're wrong.

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282. Make a mobile out of objects reflecting your child's interests. 283. If you want to take partial credit for your child's successes be willing to take part of the blame for his failures. 284. Teach your child that the world isn't much impressed by show-offs and know-it-alls. 285. Don't say ''I understand'' when you don't.

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286. Consistently communicate an "I know you can do it" attitude to your child. 287. Remember that older children don't like being babied. 288. Teach your child good manners. 289. Take your child on a hayride. 290. Give your child her own little treasure chest with a lock and key.

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291. Don't switch channels in the middle of your child's favorite program. 292. Let your child make fun of you sometimes. 293. Teach your child ways to have fun without spending money. 294. At some point, you may have to help your child understand that the world still revolves around the sun and not around him.

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295. See to it that your child learns to swim. 296. Show your child that you're willing to listen to new ideas and try new things. 297. Give your child a children's cookbook and let him try out some dishes on the whole family. 298. Videotape your child's first day at school. 299. Don't patronize your child. She may not know what to call it, but she'll know what you're doing and will hate it.

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300. Realize that how parents treat each other is as important as how they treat their child in shaping the child's understanding of what a relationship is supposed to be.

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301. Enjoy a children's museum together. 302. Know what your child takes to "Show and Tell" and why. 303. Don't miss parent-teacher conferences. 304. Let your child sign the guest book at weddings and other functions. 305. Don't make fun of your child's phobias (fear of spiders or heights, for example). It's not funny to your child.

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306. Teach your child to accept help when it's needed and offered. 307. Let your child help with home improvement projects. 308. Let your child put out a family newspaper if she wants to. 309. Buy your child something with his monogram on it.

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310. Let your child decorate her own birthday cake. 311. Encourage your child to start a collection that no one else has. 312. Give your child a vacation from chores once in a while. (If it's good for you, it's good for your child.) 313. Teach your child about the power of first impressions.

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314. Make sure your child develops the habit of writing thank-you notes. 315. Teach your child how to read a map. 316. If you borrow from your child, always pay it back. 317. Volunteer at school. 318. Get your child the autograph of someone famous or important to him.

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319. If your child's pet dies, give it a dignified burial. 320. Whenever your child is going to a new school or camp or baby-sitter, visit with your child in advance so that she knows what to expect. It reduces fear and builds self-confidence. 321. Don't overschedule your child. Give him time to be ''just a kid." 322. Let your child know it's OK to have a bad day sometime.

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323. Steer your child away from video arcade games that focus on violence. 324. Have some baseball cards made with your child's picture on them. 325. Don't force your company on your child's friends. Act like an adult, not one of the kids. 326. Let your child visit a variety of churches.

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327. Have brainstorming sessions to solve family problems where the children's ideas count as much as the grownups'. 328. Eat lunch at school with your child. 329. Let your child experiment with how he dresses and looks. 330. Talk with your child about her hopes for the future.

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331. Remember that eating ice cream can be good therapy for lots of ills. 332. Put your child in charge of a family project such as decorating for the holidays. 333. Fly the flag on the Fourth of July and teach your child that patriotism isn't corny. 334. Slip an encouraging note into your child's lunch box. 335. Discuss her day with your child.

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336. Call your child when you're going to be late. 337. Write a poem just for your child. 338. Trust your child as much as you can. 339. Get your child his own personalized stationery. 340. If you can't find the right words to say something important to your child, write it down. Who says you can't write a letter to your own child?

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341. Don't always talk about how much you sacrifice for your child. Talk about the joy you receive in return. 342. Be sure your child has the phone numbers of relatives and close friends in case she needs help and can't reach you. 343. Help your child put together a family time capsule to be opened on his 21st birthday. 344. Pray together.

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345. Let your child pack her own suitcase for an overnight trip. 346. Teach your child that bigger isn't always better. 347. Take your child to a haunted house at Halloween. 348. Put your child's name first sometimes when you sign a letter from your family. 349. Teach your child to take care of his own clothes.

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350. Teach your child a secret code. 351. Give your child some tools of her own. 352. Give your child a balloon bouquet when he has done something special. 353. Create a reading corner or loft for your child somewhere in your house. 354. If your child volunteers you for something, don't back out.

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355. Sometimes, discuss with your children, ''How can we do better as a family?'' 356. Put your child's events on your family and personal calendars. 357. Have a professional artist make a portrait of your child. You'll both cherish it for years to come. 358. Give your child a music box that plays one of her favorite songs.

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359. When you can't get close enough to speak to your child, give him the thumbs-up sign. 360. Don't stuff your feelings. It teaches your child an unhealthy coping strategy. 361. Put up a volleyball or badminton net in the backyard for family games. 362. Sometimes on a special occasion, give your child gift certificates and let her pick out her own presents.

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363. Be willing to not know everything that goes on in your child's life. 364. If something important is going to happen in your family, don't wait until the last minute to tell your child. It feels like being left out. 365. Be proud of your child for what he doesn't do as well as for what he does. 366. Don't let your child's acts of kindness go unnoticed.

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367. Have your child design a family logo. 368. Watch the evening news with your child and help her understand what's going on in the world. 369. Nurture your child's talents, whatever they may be. 370. Teach your child how to be alone without being lonely.

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371. During the down times, challenge your child to think of the things she likes about herself and her life. 372. Let your child decorate the door to his room as a way to express individuality. 373. Teach your child what it means to be a good neighbor. 374. Help your child start her own collection of Christmas tree ornaments.

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375. Let your child hold the new baby. 376. Try to get your child a musical instrument if he wants one. 377. Wear a locket with your child's picture in it. It shows that she is important to you. 378. Take off work unexpectedly and do something fun with your child.

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379. Have your child join you in helping to serve meals at a homeless shelter on Thanksgiving. It reinforces the importance of service to others. 380. Look at the splendor of fall foliage together. 381. Take your child to see your childhood home and neighborhood and share what it was like when you were growing up. 382. Let your child take care of you when you're sick (and not contagious).

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383. Have your child help plan and produce a home video of your family. 384. Teach your child how to accept a compliment. 385. Let your child teach you something. 386. Give your child a back rub when he is tense or tired. 387. Get your child a plant for her room.

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388. Let your child pick the gifts he wants to give others. 389. Don't take your child's worries lightly. 390. Let your child help plan the family vacation. 391. Make a paper reading chain, adding a link for each book your child reads. 392. For fun, teach your child about her sign of the zodiac. 393. Browse together in a bookstore.

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394. Sometimes, let your child choose the tapes to play on the car stereo during a long trip. 395. Give your child something that belonged to your mother or father. 396. Go to a children's play together. 397. Teach your child to check for accuracy. 398. Don't send your child off to school with lipstick on her cheek.

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399. Sometimes, have a special candlelight dinner in your child's honor. 400. Encourage your child to read autobiographies of men and women who have succeeded against odds. 401. Show your child the value of goal-setting. 402. Give your child plenty of space. 403. Let your child manage some of his own money.

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404. Really read what your child has written. 405. Ask your child for help sometimes. 406. Teach your child to read the cards that accompany gifts. 407. Let your child introduce you to one of her favorite movies or albums. 408. Let your child record the greeting message on your answering machine (subject to review).

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409. Find a sport you can play with your child. 410. Don't make light of your child's crush on someone else. 411. Send your child a care package of goodies when he is away from home for a period of time. 412. Teach your child to read music. 413. Watch reruns of your favorite childhood TV series with your child. It gives the two of you a sense of change and a basis for comparison.

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414. Let your child have her own garden. 415. Don't intrude when your child is in the bathroom. 416. Let your child attend the funeral of a loved one. It helps your child acknowledge the loss. 417. Give your child his own appointment calendar. 418. Get your child a set of dog tags containing full identification information.

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419. Let your child pick out things and plan for a new baby. 420. Emphasize the importance of education to a successful and fulfilling life. 421. ''Walk the talk.'' Try to live what you teach and preach. 422. Use butcher paper to set up a family graffiti wall depicting daily highlights.

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423. Encourage your child to write an illustrated autobiography. It helps validate her as a distinct individual. 424. Negotiate, but don't capitulate, on important issues with your child. 425. When it's belt-tightening time in the family, let your child suggest his own cost-cutting measures. It makes him feel part of the team.

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426. End each year by reviewing the past twelve months of individual and family accomplishments.

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427. Let your child know that it's always all right to call you long distance collect if there's a need. 428. Teach your child to play chess. It will give you a lifelong connection. 429. Don't go overboard in correcting your child's grammar. She may stop talking to you altogether.

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430. Don't always sit across the room from your child. Sit beside him often, so you both can enjoy the closeness. 431. Pay attention to significant rites of passage (graduations, bar mitzvahs, etc.). 432. Don't make more of your child's athletic accomplishments than you do of her academic achievements.

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433. Regardless of your religion, teach your child why the Golden Rule really works. 434. Help your child see through the media-inspired fantasy of a problem-free life. 435. Encourage your child to get CPR and first-aid training when he is old enough. 436. Don't presume your child will follow in your footsteps.

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437. Don't stop giving your child hugs and kisses just because you think he is getting too old for displays of affection. 438. Teach your child how to sew on buttons. 439. Respect the fads and fashions of your child's generation. 440. Give your child her own key.

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441. Always share with your child what the teacher says at conference time. Silence and secrecy feel like a conspiracy to a child. 442. Have your child fill out a report card on himself and review it with him. 443. Don't put down today's music. 444. Save your child's ribbons, awards, trophies, etc. 445. Show your child how you budget your income and save for ''big ticket" items.

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446. Let your child pick the restaurant for a special dinner. 447. Don't shield your child from family problems. 448. Don't pass on your fear and distrust of authority to your child. 449. Be familiar with the movie and rock stars your child idolizes. It keeps you relevant. 450. Teach your child that the only person she can really change is herself.

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451. Teach your child to trust his feelings and instincts. If he senses danger, he should do something about it. 452. Help your child count her blessings. Most of us are better off than we think we are. 453. Teach your child what the word "compromise" means. 454. Encourage your child to set some goals that are not easily reached. We all need to stretch at times.

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455. Be there if your child has to wake up in the hospital. 456. Don't use abusive language such as ''You brat'' or "You're no good" with your child. 457. Decide together with your child what "quality" time means in your family. 458. Teach your child how to use the microwave oven when he is old enough.

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459. If you absolutely can't attend one of your child's important games or events, try to arrange for someone else (grandparent, friend, neighbor, etc.) to be present for support.

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460. Help your child understand the changes of early adolescence. 461. Teach your child how to plan ahead. 462. If you have to cancel something important with your child, reschedule right away. 463. Make a "Welcome Home" banner for your child's return from camp or a trip. 464. Start a bank account in your child's name.

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465. Encourage your child to keep a journal. 466. Introduce your child to people. Don't act as if he isn't there. 467. Give your child a T-shirt or sweatshirt from your alma mater. 468. Encourage your child to learn a foreign language at an early age. Better yet, learn it along with your child.

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469. Debunk the media myth that the world is made up of thin, perfectly proportioned people. 470. Reinforce the value of a healthy lifestyle for your child. 471. Discuss with your child ways to make good use of time in a boring classroom. 472. Occasionally, show up at your child's practicenot just for the Big Game.

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473. If your child is shy and embarrassed, shake hands in public and hug in private. 474. Don't give too much advice. Children become immune after a while. 475. Teach your child how to start a filing system of his own. 476. Help your child learn about "natural highs." 477. Always leave a light on for your child when she is out at night.

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478. Give your child his own alarm clock. 479. Make sure your child has a clean uniform for every game. 480. Encourage your child to be a peer tutor. 481. If your child is concerned about being overweight, don't shrug it off. Help her learn about proper diet and exercise.

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482. As your child grows older, let go and get more of a life of your own.

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483. Act your age if you expect your child to act his. 484. Establish a curfew. There will be times when your child will welcome an excuse to get home ''on time." 485. Teach your child to care for the environment. 486. Stop calling them "kids" when they're teenagers. 487. Remember that acne is a serious social affliction for teenagers.

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488. Know what classes your teenager is taking in school and who the teachers are. 489. Expect some backtalk from your teenager. It's part of finding out how to be independent. 490. Don't try to dress, look or act as young as your teenager. 491. Don't try to pick your child's career for her. Encourage and support her choices.

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492. Be concerned if your teenager doesn't rebel a little. Growing up requires a bit of tension between parents and children. 493. Teach your child the Serenity Prayer from Alcoholics Anonymous: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

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494. Promise to pick up your child anywhere, anytime when drinking is involvedno questions asked. 495. Never give up trying to be a good parent. 496. Expect your child to nag you about your bad habits (smoking, not recycling, not using seat belts, etc.). Once in a while, let your child change your behavior and give her credit for the change. 497. Get to know your child's employer and what your child does at work.

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498. Admonish your child to never go anywhere with someone he doesn't know or trust. 499. Don't be quick to take over or give away your child's room when she goes away to school or work. 500. Be yourself. Being a parent isn't an act. 501. Tell your child, ''I like you.'' It's different from "I love you," but it's just as important at any age.

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All too often we are giving our young people cut flowers when we should be teaching them to grow their own plants. John W. Gardner

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About the Author Dr. Robert D. Ramsey is an author-educator with over 35 years' experience working with children and youth of all ages and their parents. His career in three leading school districts in two different states includes experience as teacher, counselor, social studies supervisor, curriculum director, assistant superintendent and acting superintendent. He currently serves as Associate Superintendent of the award-winning St. Louis Park, Minnesota, Public Schools, which boast five National Schools of Excellence.

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