My Hostage My Love

Citation preview

My Hostage My Love

By Derekica Snake

My Hostage My Love

Other Books Available: The Black Tower That’s What Brothers Do… Cake: A Blood Nation Novel

Please do no electronically transmit this book/e-book. You are not ripping off a big corporation who has deep pockets but me. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, incidents and very bad German translations are a product of the author’s left of centre imagination and any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is entirely coincidental and damn right spooky if that last bit is right. Copyright @2010 by Derekica Snake Printing History: First Draft – Online at www.adultfanfiction.net under the pseudonym Kiix Second Draft – Online at www.slpublishinggroup.com under Derekica Snake Kiixink Paperback edition / December 2010 Derekica Snake ISBN 978-0-9811802-2-9 Cover art by: kiha-ki,deviantart.com

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To Mom… you gotta love me

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CHAPTERS Prologue: Under the gavel Lesson One : The Master Lesson Two: The island Lesson Three: Azure Lesson Four: The good Doctor and the Devil Lesson Five: Atonement Lesson Six: Payback. Why is it always a bitch? Lesson Seven: In the still of the night Lesson Eight: Wanting Lesson Nine: The price of memories Lesson Ten: Past is present Lesson Eleven: The answer is always yes Lesson Twelve: The reformation Lesson Thirteen: In the name of love Lesson Fourteen: A small blue thing Lesson Fifteen: Vergessen Lesson Sixteen: Light glistens in the darkness Lesson Seventeen: Treasure Finals Convocation

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Prologue: Under the Gavel

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hey killed me with a red stamp to the plain manila file folder that held the summary of my life. It read criminally insane or unable to stand trial because of mental defect. I flinched as the judge’s gavel hammered down on the rich mahogany stained desk. “It is the decision of this court that the prisoner Trevor Howell will be remanded into a State Psychiatric Hospital pending further evaluation no sooner than ten years from this date. Until the State is assured that Mr. Howell is not a threat to the State or himself he will be kept in isolation from the other patients and shall be barred any visitors until the court deems it appropriate “Thinking back I wonder why no one, not even myself or my court appointed attorney questioned the order for seclusion, but then too late I realized that it was part of the plan to separate me from the rest of the world and sink me into obscurity, out of sight out of mind I guess.” “All rise.” The bailiffs hauled me to my feet. I just stood there like an idiot because I was too stunned to think that this could have happened. This should never have happened. I was the victim here. Why was I being punished for surviving? The judge and my hopes for an end to this charade disappeared from the court room. This was an innocent person’s worst nightmare. Number one, I was innocent. Number two, I was innocent. Number three, I was innocent and I was raped repeatedly by those bank robbers who took me hostage. Or rather by that one bank robber who took me hostage. The police had my statement. The hospital confirmed what happened. I was a victim of sexual assault. So, how could I be found guilty of a crime I didn’t commit? Or I guess it was not guilty 6

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by reason of mental defect. They didn’t believe a man could get raped? The court room broke into a flurry of activity. The flash of cameras both digital and old school heated up the back of my neck. I wasn’t going to turn around for a photo op. Out of everyone packed into the room, not a single one of them had come to offer me unwavering support; I was just a fifteen minute news sensation of the day. Not one of my friends had come to my trial. I was an orphan since infancy, but the friends I had made at college and from the bank didn’t bother to show. After the police found me, I had flowers, cards and visitors coming on an hourly basis to my hospital room. Then the news reported that I was the alleged inside man on the bank robbery the tabloids had called “The Golden Goose.” At the time I thought it was an original name, The Grand National Bank had been robbed of 10 million in gold bouillon so I guess that was the best the tabloids could come up with. The next thing I knew is that all my visitors and well wishers died off just was quickly as my grocery store bouquets. Then I had an armed guard outside my door, for my own protection they claimed. My life took a downward spiral from there. When I got out of the hospital I was arrested. Ever since that day, almost six months ago, my life became a never ending nightmare that was centered all around HIM. After thinking about it every day and night for the last six months it seemed to me as if the millions taken that day were just a decoy. I didn’t tell the court appointed psychiatrist my suspicions but I think that I was the target. I don’t have any proof other than my ravaged ass; but, when HE looked at me it was a look of possession. From the moment I had been taken hostage, HE was all over me. I shuddered as my arms were cuffed behind my back. Touching me really wasn’t a good thing anymore. I used to be a gregarious sort of guy before the kidnapping but, I noticed in the hospital and since that I’m like one of those little dogs carried in the crook of someone’s arm right now. I shake at every sudden movement and skitter away from glancing touches. The guards in jail didn’t like that. I was never the one to be the life of the party but I wasn’t the guy hiding behind the rhododendron either...well I wasn’t before. I was messed up more than just 7

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physically. During the course of the robbery if HE noticed me, HE fucked me. It was brutal, mind searing, something to be avoided at all cost and he got away with it. Now he was out there somewhere and knew where I was so I became a ghost, transparent and utterly forgettable except for the public notoriety of my trial. Even before the sentencing my public defender had already packed up his trial briefs. Before the judge’s robes had swirled out of the back door he was headed for the door of the courtroom. In a hurry I thought, to misrepresent another poor bastard. The two bailiffs escorted me out of the court room in a bum’s rush shuffle. I got passed off to two guys in white hospital scrubs and pulled down dark, narrow corridors. Getting rushed along with your hands cuffed behind your back throws off your balance. I kept slamming into an orderly’s shoulder then shuddering away only to get my upper arm clamped tighter which resulted in me slamming back into the other orderly. I would shudder and whimper and annoy the bastards over and over as I was basically dragged down the hallway out into the bright light of day. I should have known something was wrong when I wasn’t blinded by the cameras that had been hounding me since I was branded the mastermind of the Golden Goose bank heist. The name almost made me laugh aloud since I couldn’t even play the game “Mastermind” very well. I never had the ambition to be the leader of anything. I was just a worker bee and I didn’t mind it as long as it got the necessities of life covered so I could work on my book, the book I just knew would be proclaimed the great American novel one day. A white van’s side door opened as we approached, I noticed there was no name on the side. I had a moment’s intuition that this didn’t seem right. I balked. A bee stung me in the back of the neck and I staggered forward. What the hell? Movement was restricted by my shackles so I was reduced to scrunching up my shoulders to the back of my head to try to sooth the sting. What ever I got stung with was quickly burning in my blood. It hit my brain and my ears began to ring in a soothing new age aromatherapy kind of vibe to the accompaniment of a tidal wave of helpless, weakness, darkness began to swamp me. I hit the side of the van and began to slump to my knees. “What....what did they do to me?” 8

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I felt a hand under my chin and my face was tilted up. I blinked. The features of whoever was holding my face were blurred and fuzzy. I blinked again. My eyes couldn’t focus. A thumb stroked over my bottom lip, push in, running over the front of my bottom teeth. My eyes couldn’t see but my body remembered that touch. My heart froze in the middle of that medically enhanced fire that was now ripping through my bloodstream. I broke out into a cold sweat. I tried to pull my head back but my body was failing me. “No...” My words sounded slurred to my own ears. “And the verdict?” That voice. “Psychiatric Hospital with a review in 10 years.” “I wanted 20 to life.” Oh God, not that voice. “I’m just the delivery boy.” I was panicked. What were they saying? I couldn’t get my legs under me. I had to get away...I just had to. My body had other commands to follow. I slumped forward ending up propped against the side of the white van and the man’s overly warm thigh. His hand dug into the back of my hair and he pinned me against his leg. “...no...” The side of his index finger began to stroke that sensitive patch of skin just behind my ear. “Hush, Trevor.” I saw a flash of something out of the corner of my eye and the orderly caught it. “Get it changed to what I ordered. That was the negotiated deal. I don’t care how it gets done but if I have to come back for half my payment, no one is going to be happy. Trust me on this; you want to keep me happy.” “Yes, Sir. I’ll relay the message.” The orderly walked away leaving me with...HIM. My kidnapper. My rapist. My Master.

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Lesson One: The Master

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wareness slowly steeped back into me like a tea bag resting in a glass teapot absorbs water. My body picked up slight changes in the air around me as a slight breeze wafted the scent of mandarin orange and white jasmine into my nostrils. It reminded me of the trip I had won to a tropical island through a charity raffle two years ago, in another life it seems now. I’d met a Russian bombshell there—Olga. She spoke better English than I did but when she wanted to get physical she would let that hint of an accent seduce me. When she did that she rocked my world. I think she realigned my axis. Everyone at work seemed disappointed that when I came back I was just as pale as I was when I left. You don’t get too much sun when you’re doing the horizontal bop for seven nights and six days in your own private tacky tiki hut. It was an amazing week. Later I wondered why that beautiful girl paid any attention to me, an ordinary working stiff, it was a puzzle… But that was then. This is now…and the now… I frowned and slowly opened my eyes… It felt like my lashes were glued together like I had been crying before I fell asleep and I could feel the crusty dried tear tracks on my cheeks. It confirmed that I had been crying, but why? Through slit eyes I could see it was day. The canopy above me was swathed in white sheers. I was naked and the breeze left me feeling a little cool. I moved to get under the white duvet at my feet but was pulled up short by a tightening at my throat. I lifted my hands and felt the weight of …metal cuffs? 10

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They were slightly loose not affecting the movement of my wrists. I twisted the bands around but didn’t find a seam or lock on them. How the hell had they been put on me? My fingers touched the same smooth metal at my throat. Puzzled, I tried to sit up but the collar pulled me backwards and I felt a rattle of chain more than heard it. I reached back and traced the links of chain extending from the collar to the headboard. Unlike the cuffs on my wrists, the collar around my neck was leather and I could feel a lock hanging off the back just below the ring that the chain was attached to. I couldn’t sit upright if I wanted to. My stomach clenched as surge of panic ripped through me. I kicked my left leg and felt a weight on it as well. Moving my other leg I became aware that both ankles were chained and encircled with the same sort of metal cuffs that my neck and wrists were. Where the hell was I? There was the soft sound of movement and footsteps in another room just beyond the one I was in. I was debating on calling out or not when the door to my room opened and HE stepped in carrying a tray. I froze. HE set the tray down and flipped some towels off his shoulder onto a narrow table close to the door. Instinctively, I tried to move away and brought myself up short on the choke chain. I wanted away from him bad enough that I ended up slightly strangling myself. HE turned his head toward me with a mocking smile then approached in that stalking way of walking he had that I had so quickly come to dread. The last time I saw him I’d learned that when HE walked toward me with a purpose, it never bode well for me. HE opened the sheer curtains and turned to stare down at me, licking my nude body with his eyes. Those odd blue-green eyes glittered, taking in my body with a look of possession that made me shudder with dread and hate HIM. I stared back at him grateful that I was in control enough that I wasn’t hyperventilating as my heart beat sped up. I don’t know what look HE saw on my face but I sure as hell knew it wasn’t a welcoming one. “I told you I would come back for you, Trevor. In this day and age, the price of a man’s word is as fleeting as the text message on a cell phone, but you have chiseled your name on my heart, my treasure. Just like a date on a tombstone, you are there forever. I will always keep my word to you.” 11

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Erik. HIS name was Erik. HE fucked me over physically. I healed from that. HE fucked me over mentally. I thought I had recovered. Obviously not since seeing him again made me tremble and want to vomit. HE forward kneeling on the bed. He was an imposing man. He wasn’t that bigger than me but that’s like saying a Porsche is the same as a K-car. A car is a car but quality and performance are a vastly different. He was fucking scary. Especially when he was perched over me and I was chained down under him. The chain at my throat jingled as the weight of him tilted the mattress and me towards him. My heart was beating so hard it felt as if it was going to burst from my chest, my ears were filled with the sound of my blood rushing in my head with a roar. My body was hot with a rush of blood just under the skin and at the same time I was drenched in a cold sweat. I was frozen like a rabbit before a jackal until his fingers brushed down my shin. It was like electricity ripped through my body. I jerked my legs back and twisted away only to be brought up short by my neck chain again. I had managed to twist myself around to face the headboard but that was all I could do unless I wanted to strangle myself. “Sssshhhh, sssshhh, sssssshhhh. Easy now, my Treasure. It won’t be like before...” HIS voice crooned over me. Treasure? He was mocking my name. In my mind I screamed, “I’m Trevor damn it! Not your Treasure.” I might have been raging and resisting in my mind but in the physical world I just laid there bathed in my own sweat trembling in trepidation. “Don’t struggle. You’ll only hurt yourself. That’s my good boy.” HE spoke like he was trying to calm down a beaten puppy that he wanted to take home. HE kept creeping forward, edging toward me until his hand curled around my leg just above my ankle. I turned and frantically tried to jerk my foot from his hot hand. But I couldn’t shake myself free. He leaned closer to me and I punched out and caught him high in on the shoulder. The bastard just laughed and shook off my attempt to hurt him. My tormentor really wasn’t that much bigger than me. Maybe an inch or two over my own 5’11” but that was where the similarities ended. HE was lean but muscular, whipcord lean, that 12

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was him. When HE first grabbed me, I was pale and overweight. I thought I carried the extra pounds well and I never had any trouble getting dates but HE was not impressed. Aside from sexual torment, I was made to run on a treadmill, use weight machines and eat scientifically prepared meals. When I finally got to look in a mirror I didn’t know who was staring back at me. I don’t remember ever being thin much less fit. HE stood behind me with that damned indulgent smile on his face. I was just as pale but with HIS hands on my body, I was almost the palest shade of white. My red hair had grown long and wild in my captivity. There was a natural wave that I hated and because of it I kept it short. If it wasn’t for the ugly scar on my head, I might have had a brush cut, as it was, I had kept it only long enough to hide that jagged roughness from prying eyes. He now had my hair cut in a shag style that somehow suited my newly defined cheekbones and jaw line. Having my hair almost hanging in my eyes brought out of the green of my eyes. I never thought I was anything but the typical redhead who freckled when kissed by the sun but standing there staring back from the mirror was somebody else. The pale of my flesh only highlighted the numerous scars on my body. Most were probably childhood incidents but there was a round puckered scar in my side that couldn’t be anything else than a bullet wound and there were long straight scars that was knife wounds. I didn’t know where I had gotten them. The Doctors had said that my head injury probably blocked the bad memories and that the scars were old. HE hadn’t done it. The orphanage where I had grown up was in a gang controlled territory so for all I knew, I was just an innocent bystander. The sad thing was, I still had the damned shag. “God, Trevor. It’s been so long...” I had tried to forget how his body seemed to curl around me every chance he got. HE began touching me in front of that mirror. Every muscle on HIS body was defined. HE had an eight pack. His body rippled with power. I was soft. He was a tiger. I was a bunny. A bunny doesn’t bench press a carnivore. It didn’t mean I wasn’t going to try. While I continued to struggle he tightened his grip on my ankle in warning. I could feel his solid strength in his hand and fingers. Where his skin touched me it burned hot. It wasn’t a normal heat, or maybe it was just me, because I felt so chilled in his presence. He seemed like a portable furnace; no, more like his own nuclear 13

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generator. His heat was so seductive to my cold body that I had to fight the strange attraction I tried to deny that I felt. His other hand came up and the back of his too warm knuckles stroked down the side of my cheek. I shuddered at his touch. I could only stare at him as if I was a little garden snake and he was the experienced Cobra handler. I was mesmerized with fear. His thumb touched the corner of my mouth then swept sideways across my dried and cracked lower lip. I wanted to pull away but I didn’t dare. “There’s my treasure,” he crooned in a hypnotic way. His hair was golden blonde and hung straight in an obviously expensive cut around his ears. The individual strands glittered as if gold dust had been artfully sprinkled there. His hair color seemed to make his tanned skin a golden hue also, which in turn made those odd colored eyes gleam. I could only stare up at him. He was a beautiful man. A beautiful man who was so capable of being terrifying. “That’s my good boy.” His voice whispered softly, seductively as he used his thumb to pry my mouth open. He touched my tongue, stroking it with his thumb. A spike, of fear ripped through me at the intimacy of that gesture. He was a beautiful man who kidnapped me and raped me until dumping me in a torn and bloody heap at the doors of an emergency room. “I couldn’t let him do that to me again. Never!” I lunged up to punch him in the side of the head. Only to be brought up short by my neck chain again. My skull rattled as he lurched forward, his shoulder catching me hard just below my throat as my head bounced off the headboard. I ended up pinned under him with his body covering me from sternum to ankle. Everywhere his body touched mine, he was burning hot even through his clothing. I flailed with my arms trying to shove him off me but my chain and restrained movement kept him safe and me furious, frustrated and afraid. He reached for a cuffed wrist and slammed it to the headboard where it stuck. He reached down and forced my leg wide then his upper thigh slammed into my groin. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to curl into a ball. My brain was screaming “No!” Straining against the chain of the collar and my pinned arm I maneuvered my free wrist and I grabbed a handful of golden hair and jerked hard sideways trying to force him off me. I got a forearm 14

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hard across my throat and my head bounced back again. The world darkened slightly around the edges. At that moment I wanted the world to darken for me permanently. “Don’t resist me, Trevor!” HE was going to cause me a world of pain again. I started sobbing as I continued to frantically struggle to pull him off of me. I had no plan other than to get his hot body off mine. HE caught my wrist, twisting hard to make me let go of his hair. Then pressed his body hard into mine smashing his hard, swollen cock up against my terror shriveled cock and balls. I grunted at the pain and froze in my struggle for a brief second. HE took advantage of the moment. HE grabbed my pinned arm, yanked it off the headboard caught my other flailing arm and slammed my wrist cuffs together. They stuck as if wielded together. He took my bound wrists and rammed them hard up against the headboard. They stuck. My wrists were now locked up above my head as if they were glued there. His body was still heavy on mine and he didn’t hesitate to press his advantage, leaning forward to lick my cheek. I freaked. HE sat up on my midsection for more control and waited for me to wear myself out. It didn’t take long. I was bathed in cold sweat and I trembled close to exhaustion. Tears stung my eyes. I didn’t care if men weren’t supposed to cry. I knew what was waiting for me at the hands of this man. He did it before. I was helpless then. I was helpless now. HE captured my chin with one hand and glared into my eyes. His hair was in disarray with a strand falling forward over one aquamarine eye. Dividing it vertically, the lock of hair looking like a blonde, elongated, reptilian pupil– like a demon eye, like the eye of the Devil. It terrified me and I struggled harder to get away. He dug his fingers into my jaw until I stopped resisting my eyes I tensed my muscles trying to pull my arms down from the he. Each labored breath was close to a whining sob. “Sssssh, Trevor.” He bent forward and pressed his forehead against mine. I could feel his warm breath skirting along my skin, dancing over my lips. I tensed tighter than a rusted lug nut. “There’s no use fighting me; I won’t let you win. You learned that the first go around. Treasure, you really don’t want to start back at square one. Do you? I won’t be as kind if we have to start all over again.” 15

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I was breathing fast. I was breathing shallow. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I tensed as HIS other hand pressed over my heart. “So fast. Too fast. You need to relax...“ His grip loosened on my jaw. I felt a kiss on my temple. I shook my head in protest. My arm muscles were screaming in agony as I continued futilely to try to pull them free of the headboard. “No...please...don’t...” “Look at me, Trevor.” I turned my head into my bicep in denial. Fingers pinched the softer underside of my arm until I turned back to face him with a cry of pain. Tears blurred my vision as I opened my eyes. Those blue green eyes were a mere eyelash away. “Must we start all over again?” He sounded exasperated, as if he was growing angry. This time when my head bounced off the headboard I was the culprit. I couldn’t free my arms and I couldn’t push myself through the headboard to escape that relentless closeness. It didn’t mean that I didn’t try. I stilled as the pad of one finger swept along under my right eye lash pushing the gathering moisture away. HE brought it up to his mouth and slowly sucked it inside. His eyes began to darken as he began to slowly pump his finger in and out of his mouth. My eyes were drawn to the deliberately sensual display. The way the soft pinkish skin of his generous lips would push inside his mouth as his finger slipped deeper. The deeper red tone of the inner flesh of his moist mouth that clung to the retreating digit. I watched in fascination and felt an answering surge in my groin at the sensual display. “What the fuck was wrong with me?” I snapped my eyes up to his then skittered my attention off to the gauzy curtains billowing inward with the breeze. HE had seen me watching. I saw that smile. The smile that he would give me that first hellish time when I had done something he liked. HIS voice was softer now as he sat back and settled his weight more onto his knees. They caressed either side of my waist. “I told you before I let you go that you belonged to me. Did you forget that, Trevor? You’re alone in this world. You have been alone for a long, long time. If I had known that you were out there struggling 16

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so hard to survive, I would have come for you sooner. Now, that’s better. Sssssh, sssh, ssssh.” “Don’t hurt me anymore.” Inwardly I cringed at the weakness in my voice, at the begging tone. His hot hand settled over my chest, settled right over my frantically beating heart. “Then obey me, Trevor. Now, how are you supposed to address me?” I had to swallow hard. “Erik.” I flinched as his hand came up and stroked the back of his fingers up and down my cheek again then moved to begin playing with my lower lip. I didn’t want to remember that he loved my mouth. That he made me do so many lewd things with my mouth when he held me as his bank hostage the last time. “That’s good. You remembered how to address me in private. Now, how do you address me in the presence of others? Trevor.” He arched a brow in silent warning. I pissed myself. The blonde head looked down at me as the heat of my loss of control spread between us. Total humiliation wracked me. I began to cry. “This can’t be happening again. This shouldn’t have happened in the first place.” I didn’t try to cover my sobs. I was too fatigued to try anything. Physically, mentally and spiritually all my tanks were empty. “Ssshhh, my sweet Treasure. This was just an accident. This isn’t your fault. There is nothing to be ashamed of.” I couldn’t do anything with my hands locked above my head and with his weight pinning me down. I couldn’t do anything but lay in my own piss and cry. HE began to stroke my hair and he pulled my head toward him until he could cradle me awkwardly. My hands were still attached to the headboard and HE was trying to pull me the other way. The stress on my shoulders was killing me. HE pressed his face along mine. His lips gently moved against the curl of my ear. “Apparently I was too harsh on you when you first came into my care. Listen and obey and you will never have to fear me. There is so much more I want from you.” HE climbed up off me and straddled the mattress on either side of my hips. I held in a sob of relief at finally having his weight off of me. I had my eyes closed but I could feel the sweep of his gaze over my body. 17

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“Antoine!” HIS voice was loud and I cringed at the bark of it. The door to the bedroom opened again. “Run a warm bath for my Treasure then change the bedding.” HIS tone was softer again. “Yes, Sir.” My arms were weak and quivering now from all the force I had put into trying to break free. HE reached up and easily pulled my arms down from the headboard. I guessed there was a trick to it that he would never tell me. The cuffs were still bonded together and he used them to haul me up off the soiled mattress. “You’ve lost weight, Trevor but you’ve lost muscle tone. I thought jail would have made you a little sleeker, not so thin and gaunt looking.” Sullenly I said, “I wasn’t in jail; I was in a mental hospital...” My voice trailed off as he looked back at me in warning. “I gave you an exercise schedule to follow...It seems that we will have to start from scratch. I take it that is what you want to do. Start from the beginning again. I leave you alone for a while and now I find you defiant. Lippy. You ignored my dictates even after I got you released into a doctor’s care instead of being in jail. That is something that will not be tolerated. Come.” He dragged me after him. Now that I was upright, I found out just how was dizzy and weak I was. I staggered sideways and stumbled into him then began to fall. I found myself held up in his arms. “You are as weak as a kitten, my Love. Let that be a lesson to listen to me from now on.” My stomach lurched as he bent and hooked a forearm under my knees and lifted me up off my feet. “This weakness will pass, Trevor.” HE buried his nose into my hair. I ducked my head closer to my chest. “Ummm, I have missed your unique signature. I tried to have it recreated but every attempt paled in comparison.” HE snuffled his nose in my hair. I shook my head and tried to look anywhere but at him. The heat from where he touched me was burning into my flesh. He carried me so easily into what was the biggest bathroom I have ever seen aside from the YMCA. One wall was a floor to ceiling glass window. The bright light of the afternoon sun was flooding in, warming the room like a soothing sauna. It was almost too bright. I squinted and brought my hands up to my face. “Victor, darken sixty-five percent.” The glass wall dimmed and tinted dark. The light was still bright enough to illuminate the bathroom. In a corner close to the far wall was a huge tub bigger 18

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than two people needed, bigger than six people would need to bathe comfortably together, that was being filled by the mysterious Antoine. It looked like it would take awhile but Trevor was in no hurry despite the acrid smell of urine covering him. The more he stank the longer that bastard would stay away from me I hoped. HE veered to the center of the room where there was a post anchored from floor to ceiling, looking very similar to the material of the headboard of the bed I had awakened in. He dropped me to my feet and before I could get my balance he took my wrists and pushed them up against the post so I was face first against it with my arms above my head. Hopefully I jerked at the cuffs but just as with the headboard, I couldn’t pull free. My breathing began to get shallow and rapid again. I writhed uselessly, only succeeded in hurting my wrists. I heard HIM walking around behind me and the sound of clothing being removed. There was the sound of running water, a splashing behind me then warm water poured down on me. “I have missed you so, my Treasure, while you were gone from me.” A whisper in my ear and then HIS naked body pressed up against my backside. His erection grazed the top of my buttocks then slipped up to the small of my back. “No. No..nononononono!” I began to struggle, trying to get away from the feel of his cock, hot and rubbing insistently on my body. I felt his breath against my ear, roiling hot and heavy down the side of my cheek and the back of my neck as I slammed my head back, connecting solidly. Correction was swift and immediate. I saw stars as my forehead bounced off the post. He gripped an iron fist into my hair, angled my head then shoved me forward so my forehead connected with the pipe with a solid thud a second time. I saw stars again. The shower water still fell, rinsing the stink of fear from my body. I tensed as HE stepped in front of me. A thin trail of blood seeped down from his nose, framing his lip. I thought that a show of blood looked good on his face but I was smart enough to not say that aloud. Slowly as if considering it he lifted his thumb to the evidence of my rebellion and wiped it away. “I see I am going to have to re-educate you as my pet, before I can make you my treasure.”

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“Let me go....” I begged. My brains must have been scrambled because I almost screamed at him, “I don’t want to be your pet, your damn Treasure!” He continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “What is my name, Trevor?” “You’re a rapist...let me go...” I screamed as a sharp hot strip was laid across my back. My eyes teared up with the pain of it. What the hell did he hit me with? My back pulsed with red hot agony. “The leniency you were shown when I first rescued you is spent, Trevor. You have been taught your lessons. In six months you should not have forgotten them. If a question or command must be repeated, you will feel the cane. Now...what is my name, Trevor?” Apparently I didn’t answer quick enough. I cried out again as this time I got two caning lashes on my back. “Er....erik...” “And what I am to you?” “I...I don’t know...” It burned. What ever he hit me with burned like a cigarette but the pain lingered. HE reached forward. I wanted to flinch away but didn’t dare after that second set of lashes. He brushed the tears from my lashes. “Every pet needs an owner. Until you can demonstrate that you have learned your position within my household, I am your Master. One day, I hope to be your love. Now, what I am?” “Master...” The word barely whispered over my lips but he heard it. “Thank you.” He kissed my cheek. “Antoine, prepare the bed.” HIS voice was still in that soothing tone as he circled me. I was trying to keep my terror locked down to manageable levels. My wrists hurt as I strained my arms against the cuffs. How could HE move them so easily yet I hung my whole weight from it and only succeeded in hurting myself. “Mentally, you have struggled to forget me, my pet. Let us see if your body has.” HE walked behind me trailing his hands down my torso, running along the inside of my upper arms. “You stopped shaving. I will have to bring a groomer in. I only want to feel your smoothness.”

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HE leaned in and let his breath whisper over my ear. “You know I like to pet your body. When you are relaxed, you like it too. You make the most adorable sounds when I…” I closed my eyes and tried to be any place but here. My stomach clenched as his hands brushed down across my shoulders over my chest. Fingertips began to rub at my nipples. “...do this.” A sob broke from my throat as they budded and tightened against my will, in response to that unwanted assault. He pinched my nipple and twisted sharply and cruel. I lost myself to blind panic and began to jerk frantically against the cuffs on my wrists, and bucked my back and hips. Kicking backwards I tried to keep him away from me. Correction was kick and painful. I was caned three times. My legs gave out and I ended up hanging heavily from my wrists and sobbing again. HIS hands began to pet me. His touch left behind lingering heat that just made me twist away. HE had me were he wanted me. A forearm snaked around my waist and pulled me backwards as his thigh pressed my legs apart. I was stretched out in display in absolute vulnerability. I could feel his cock pulsing hot against the crevasse of my ass. Twitching only rubbed my ass against him. “No…don’t…please don’t do this….don ‘t…” My voice sounded pathetic even to my ears. My forehead was aching from getting rammed into the post. Actually my entire head hurt. Weakly I jerked on the cuffs. My biceps and forearms were screaming in lactose agony. I had fought and strained with every ounce of strength and nothing had happened. I was trapped. I was plastered tightly against his too warm flesh. HE was touching me. “You will remember me, Treasure. I will make you remember me. Even if I have to sear it onto your body and soul, but you will remember me. I shouldn’t be the only one here in torment.” His hand grasped my limp cock and began stroking me. The shower gave enough moisture to make his hand slide in a mockery of love. “STOP IT!” I tried to wriggle free. I couldn’t close my legs. I couldn’t get my arms free. I felt his head press against the back of mine and I tried to head butt him again. His hand tightened into a fist around me. I wanted to throw up. “Why do you insist on doing things the hard way, Trevor? You will not win. I will do everything in my power to keep you. 21

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Yield to me and I will lay the world at your feet. Defy me...” HE forced his hard cock into me, unprepared, non-lubricated. The pain was just as bad as the fire on my back. “and I will give you more pain than you can imagine.” “Nghhh.” I tried to pull away. Without warning HE buried himself deep then pulled my hips back toward him He started ramming hard up into me. His flesh slapping against the underside of my ass cheeks and upper thighs. “I am your Master, Trevor. You belong to me. The sooner you acknowledge that, the happier you will be.” My mind went somewhere else. Maybe I fainted because suddenly all the physical pain and accompanying soul rending agony was gone. I wasn’t lucky enough to be dead. Out of all the clerks and tellers in the bank that day, the masked man with the blue green eyes walked up and pointed a gun in my face. “You. Here. Now.” The bastard’s been ordering me around from the moment we met “Trevor? Trevor...come on my love. Come back to me...” I blinked as a kiss was pressed to my temple. We were sitting in the warmth of the tub. HE had his arms around me holding me to him as he whispered in my ear. My back was screaming. My ass was hot and burning. HE had beaten me with a cane and raped me...again. I began sobbing hopelessly. HIS arms tightened around me. His voice was soft and uttered with just a velvet tone that it wrapped around me in comfort. “Your punishment is over now, my Love. There is no need for these tears. You are such a sensitive thing. Discipline is hard for you, so why do you insist on it?” “Let me go home...” My words barely made a sound. “You are home, Trevor. I am your home.” His hand came up and brushed my hair off my forehead. “You will never be alone, again.” That’s what I was afraid of.

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Lesson Two: The Island

I

t was rape. He fucked me against my will. So it was rape. These thoughts ran through my head, swirling around, colliding with each other and with the knowledge and the shame that halfway through the night, I wasn’t that unwilling. Erik knew my body. I tossed the horror of what he had done to me that first time he kidnapped me into the darkness of my mind. I blocked it. I forced it from me but after... Tears burned my eyes The heavy weight of the cuffs and collar still pressed on my skin. An invisible hand tightened around my throat keeping me from taking a deep breath and also keeping me from sobbing out loud. I could still remember it; the feel of his kisses on my mouth. The way his tongue played with mine as he coaxing it into a mating dance. His manner had changed once he brought me back from the shower to the bed. The demanding ‘master’ was gone. The commands were still there. The expectation of being obeyed without protest was there but it was tempered with a gentle touch. My left wrist was pressed up to the headboard and locked there. He picked up my right hand. His blue green eyes pinned me flat on my back. He kissed the back of my hand like I had seen countless times on the black and white movie channel. A courting kiss. His eyes were riveted to my face as he curved my fingers and pressed another kiss to the flat of my fingers just above my second knuckles. I jumped as his other hand settled on the inside of my right thigh. The back of his hand pressed up against my balls. 23

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“Ssssh.” He never said anything. All his language was nonverbal but I got his message loud and clear. “Don’t.” His hand pushed on my thigh spreading me wide; urging my knee up until the bottom of my foot was flat on the mattress. He just kept staring at me. I was completely exposed to his hungry search. A slow blink seemed to break the paralysis that had gripped me but by then it was too late. My wrist was cuffed to my ankle. I was aching from his earlier attack. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want him. Yet...yet...oh my God! He did nothing but watch me with those damned blue green eyes as I struggled uselessly against the bonds. As expected I exhausted myself quickly and only succeeded in pulling a muscle in my bicep of my arm. My body was displayed before him like a buffet and it wasn’t too long before he began feasting on me. I fully expected him to jump me hard and painfully just like he did in the shower. I hadn’t recovered from that attack even though I endured a thorough cleaning in the tub. Kicking at him with my one free limb was thwarted easily. He caught my ankle and raised it high sending a twitch of pain through my lower back. He had threatened to lock my ankle cuff to the headboard and I panted in fear that he was going to do it. Instead, he brought my ankle to his shoulder, then turned his head and began pressing soft, butterfly soft, kisses to my arch. Teeth scraped across the sensitive flesh. I felt that tremor all the way up my leg to resonant in my groin. “Stop it.” My voice was whiney and pleading. I was scared. HIS forcing me was something I could handle at least mentally. Or I hoped that I could. I didn’t do too well out of his clutches. My progress was hospital, jail then mental facility. HIS forcing me to ask for it. To beg for it. Too be a participant in my own degradation was too much. I didn’t deserve this. I’ve never done anything so bad that I called this punishment down on me. Nothing that I could remember anyways. He had worshiped my body. Just the memory of our, no, of HIS touch on my skin sent a shiver through me. It was disgust. It wasn’t desire. I wouldn’t let it be desire. I can’t be this fucked up. I rolled into a ball pulling my knees up towards my chest and wrapping my arms around my shins. Wait. I was free. Well, I wasn’t attached to the bed. My hand 24

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snaked up to my neck and traced the smoothness. I wasn’t chained to the bed. I scrambled like an uncoordinated puppy off the bed. My legs were weak and I bounced of the side of the mattress to the floor when I tried to stand up. My lower back was pulsing in hot agony. A human male isn’t meant to be bent in those positions. Still pain wasn’t going to hold me back. A pair of drawstring pants and a matching sleeveless tunic was folded at the end of the bed. I couldn’t be running around buck naked. Getting dressed was a little more difficult than I wanted it to be. It was as if my over extended muscles were tightening up and making bending a painful process. I got the pants up over my hips and tied the drawstring. I noticed they fit. The same with the tunic. That should have been my warning sign but I was in too big of a hurry to get the hell out of this room. I should have known. I didn’t see anyone when I bolted for freedom. Now I know why. Gingerly, I sat down on the sand of the beach and stared out across whiteness of it that stretched for miles on either side of me. I didn’t need armed guards. I didn’t need to be chained or magnetically attached the bed. Where the fuck was I going to go? I was on a island. A private island. A madman’s private island who’s only purpose seemed to be making me his darling treasure; HIS sex slave. Tears began to run down my cheeks onto my chest, marking my tunic with wet spots that dried almost instantly it was so warm. I pulled my knees up and rested my forearms across the top and set my forehead there. I closed my eyes to try and stem the rise of the emotional tide and to keep my uneasiness at bay. What did I know? I was someplace tropical. Sand just wasn’t this white at home or so warm for being so early in the morning. With the curse of being a redhead, I could feel the skin on the back of my neck and exposed arms start to burn warm and sting slightly. I didn’t tan. I burned and peeled. I stayed indoors in the orphanage because it was less of a hassle that way. The Sisters were great but still it was easier for them if I didn’t add to their burden by being sunburned all the time. As a good orphanage boy I did everything I was supposed to. I stayed out of trouble except for that one time. I got an education. I got myself a scholarship but it wasn’t enough to live on, which was why I started working part time at the 25

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bank. The money was better and I just gradually worked my way into a full time job. I took classes on the side. I didn’t want to limit my promotion possibilities. So how the hell did I end up here? Getting sun burnt on a tropical island as a sex slave in training. What did I ever do to him? I’d never met him before that day. I would have remembered him if I had seen him before. You just don’t see eyes that color every day. God, what the hell am I thinking? I was sliding backwards. Just like before...before those six months in a mental hospital, before those two weeks in the General Hospital, before HE set me free. I didn’t escape back then. My body and my mind were too fucking broken to do anything other than what HE wanted. I had compared myself to a beaten dog because HE called me his pet. He kept me like a pet. A fuck pet. The moment he turned his gun on me and I stared down the barrel, to his fist and up his arm to his face, I knew that HE came for me. The other bank robbers had come for the gold but HE, Erik, had come for me. Those blue green eyes glowed with lust when he looked at me. The same way that those eyes glowed last night as he thrust slowly in and out of my ass. I just laid there and let the pleasure he was drawing out of my body sweep me away. And I couldn’t make myself look away. I was like a butterfly stabbed through the heart slowly fluttering towards death as a greedy gaze watched my final display. I cried out HIS name when he finally allowed me to climax. I began to rock back and forth in the sand. I wanted this to be a nightmare. I could wake up from a nightmare. It might linger in the mind but it wasn’t real. In the end, a nightmare wasn’t real. Opening my eyes I saw there were dark bruises on my wrists from where the cuffs dug into my flesh. My lower back muscles were strained and aching. My ass was stinging. It didn’t feel torn but it didn’t feel right. There was no way of denying that I had been fucked all night long. Seagulls cried above me. The wind rustled the palm trees behind me. The waves washed up on the beach getting closer and closer to my bare feet. My back was on fire from the caning. I think my lungs were bruised as well because it hurt to take a deep breath. I was wallowing in self pity and I felt was I pretty damned entitled to. 26

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Cool shade suddenly blocked out the heat of the sun. I didn’t bother looking up. “Just beat me for running away or leave me alone.” I never lifted my forehead off my arms as I grumbled. “You need to stay hydrated, sir.” That voice was the same one from last night. The man who tried to beat my lungs out of my chest. An ice cold water bottle was pressed against my hand. Antoine closed my fingers around it then let go. I just let it fall into the sand. I waited for Antoine to pull out the whipping stick get on with beating me on me but he did nothing. The water bottle just sat in the sand. He never said anything but he also didn’t move back towards the house. He just became an odd looking shadow attached to the shadow of the umbrella that now sheltered me from heat stroke. He was waiting for something, or maybe someone. The sound of the waves rumbling up the sand towards me was not comforting. White noise is supposed to be comforting. It’s just annoying as hell. I could feel the thud, thud approaching long before my ears picked up the actual sound of feet running on the beach. I lifted my head slightly and saw Erik running up the beach towards us. The day had seemed to have gotten brighter and it was stabbing into my skull. I watched horribly fascinated as he got closer. The sun loved him. His hair glinted gold with every movement. Tanned flesh that was exposed glistened with his sweat. He wore tight neon blue running shorts and a loose bright white tank top. A fist of ice grabbed at my heart. God, even from fifty yards away, HE affected me, and not in a good way. I ducked my head back down into my forearms. Getting past Antoine was not an option. I don’t think getting up on my feet was an option. I’d been weak enough last night. I didn’t want to start the new day the same way. HE slowed to a trot then walked up to where I sat and Antoine loomed. I kept my head ducked and my arms around my knees. I could feel HIS gaze on me. I firmed up my jaw and fought the urge to wipe the evidence of my tears off my face. Yes, I cried. I fucking wanted to so I did it. “Antoine, Trevor is not to go outside without sun block. His skin is a redhead’s porcelain pale to begin with so the sun will fry him much too easily.” 27

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How could his voice be so modulated, so civilized sounding, so caring and tender? I tried to suppress a shiver that ran icy tendrils down my spine. That voice whispered in my ear while he violated me repeatedly. I couldn’t recall a single word but the tone was branded into my soul. It was a voice that I knew I would never forget, the whisper of a succubus, the hiss of an unwanted but determined lover. It was an urging tone, a coaxing whisper, compelling, overpowering, and irresistible driving me to that damnable climax that I never wanted. His name spilling from my lips at the worst possible time, against my will but filled with such desire into the silence between us none the less. My breathing quickened. “Yes, Master Erik.” The man replied easily behind me. “Did you bring him out here?” “No, Master. I brought breakfast and found the room empty.” “Trevor.” The polite tone HE was using changed to slight warning and disappointment. Since they were having such a wonderful conversation about me, without asking for my two cents worth, they could just carry on. I huddled tighter to my knees. Of course, I should have known that defiance would not be tolerated. Erik wrenched my head back by my hair arcing my neck back until I was staring up at him. His eyes searched mine. I couldn’t break free until he blinked and a thin indulgent smile crossed his face. “Tears do not become you.” I flinched as HE brought his hand down towards my head. HE slowed his progress and opened his palm, edging palm up it closer to my face as if I was a skittish creature to be approached carefully and gently. I earned this right to flinch. I survived HIM, I had the right to cringe if I wanted to. Erik used his thumb on my eye lashes to brush the clinging tears clear. “Antoine, bring Trevor’s breakfast out here.” HE never let go of my hair. The grip was tight and seemed to have been forged in iron. I could only sit there with my hair pulled back to face him. I couldn’t look him in those blue green eyes. With an impatient shake of his hand buried tight in my hair he insisted on eye contact but I just couldn’t do that. I unfocused my eyes so that it seemed as if I was matching the relentless stare from his odd blue green eyes but in reality I could only see a blur. I could pretend to be strong enough to meet his gaze without losing my resolve in 28

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those oddly colored eyes. I heard the soft whisper of footsteps on sand as Antoine moved away. “You looked so peaceful when I left you this morning. I had hoped that you would still be all sleep cuddly when I returned from my run. Why the tears, my pet?” You’re kidding right? If you cut me do I not bleed? If you tear me open, shouldn’t I cry? If you fuck and rape me should I not scream inside? This dialogue sounded great and fiery in my head but I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t do anything. I stared up at him my eyes wide and scared. I was back to being the guy hiding behind the rhododendron. I hated being that guy. My breath was a half sucking sob and gulp of air. The pressure on my neck was aggravating the injuries on my back. As if reading my mind HE transferred his hold from the hair at the back of my head to my chin urging my face upward, taking the pain down a half a step. His fingers tightened as I attempted to pull my head away. HE leaned over pressing his lips against mine. I didn’t resist. I couldn’t get up off the sand under my own power so there was no way that I could take any more discipline. “Open.” It was a whisper but it might as well have been a shout through a bullhorn. His tongue ran along the seam of my lips. His little finger dug hard into my throat pulling up under the jawbone to stab at my tongue through my skin. It was a muscle and the last thing I wanted was a cramp in my throat. I obeyed HIM. I opened my mouth and choked back another sob as his warm tongue dipped into my mouth. I sniffed as tears began forming again at the corners of my eyes. He stilled and pulled back. “I said, tears do not become you, Trevor.” He took my face in the palms of both of hands. His thumbs traced over my cheekbones and wiped the salty evidence away. “I wanted to wake you up with sweet kisses. I just adore the way your eyes look when you first wake up. I’m delighted that you got up and came out here on your own. I was a bit more forceful than I originally intended at the beginning of the evening but I had my pet purring by the light of the moon. Didn’t I, my Treasure?” I wanted to be sick. If I had anything in my stomach, I would be sick. He pressed his lips to my forehead as if kissing a booboo all better. He straightened and looked back across the sand to the 29

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house. He held out his hand to me. “Come, we will swim for a bit until Antoine gets everything organized.” “I can’t swim…” Food and shelter were more important to the Sisters of Mercy than spending hard earned monies on frivolous things such as toys and swimming lessons. Besides, there was no way in hell I was going near the water. HE frowned as if he thought I was lying to him. I pulled my knees in tighter to my chest as I allowed my gaze to skitter past him out to the water then down to the sand at my feet. “If you say you can’t swim then we will wade.” I pressed my forehead tightly down on my arms. I got another fistful of hair to the back of my head. “Obedience, Trevor. Come.” he commanded. I offered my hand and Erik let go of my hair. It was amazing how much hair pulling hurt. He took a firm grip on my hand and easily pulled me to my feet. I ended up almost sprawling on him but mercy was on my side as I locked my knees. I had a slight head rush. Erik tousled the top of my hair. “It doesn’t take long for you to burn. You will have to be extra careful out here. Now, give me a proper greeting.” “Good morning, Erik.” I muttered looking down at the hand that still held onto mine. “Well that was proper, however that is not the greeting I want from you.” I couldn’t…I wouldn’t. My arm was wrenched behind my back and my wrist was pulled up between my shoulder blades. The stress of that unnatural pose and my bruised back made me gasp out in hot agony. I got a tongue rammed down my throat. He made a mockery of me by thrusting his tongue deep into my mouth just like he had done yesterday down there, to another part of me. It had been dirty and wicked and he made me cry out embarrassingly to the night as he tongued my portal. His eyes had glowed with a sense of possession when he raised his face from my body, flipping me onto my back, just as they glowed this morning in the brightness of the sun as he impressed his will on me again. I tried to shake my head, to break his savage hold on me. He responded by stroking his tongue along mine…trying to get me to intertwine with his. I sobbed and keened in my throat as he pulled my wrist up higher. He kept the tension hard on me until I couldn’t 30

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bear it any longer. I relaxed against his strength and gave a weak flutter of my tongue against his. “Now, was that so hard?” He lifted his head and I turned my face away. He reached down and grabbed my cock through the light pajama bottoms I had on. I had a slight throbbing that he stroked and rubbed while keeping me captive against him. “I guess it is, a little.” I grimaced as I ducked my head down to his shoulder. My whole face was burning red. “You cannot win against me, my pet. Why do you even try? I would like to treat you gently. I would like to handle you with kid gloves because you are so precious to me…yet you insist on this.” He dropped the arm hold and I grimaced at the ache in my shoulder. He snapped the wrist cuffs together. The sound was like two marbles hitting each other. It felt as if a cell door just slammed shut in my face. He took a hold of cuffs and dragged me forward toward the water. I balked. It was more than just not being able to swim. I was ten when a local gang tried to kill me. I had been trying to skip stones on the river that flowed passed the orphanage. It was one of the few days I went outdoors when I was young, it was a little overcast and I was feeling adventurous. A little further down around the bend the river’s surface was smooth and perfect for skipping. I had done a six skipper one time and was trying to better it. Apparently the local teenagers had claimed the river as their territory and when I got swarmed I was informed that ‘little orphan Annie’ was trespassing. They tried to drown me. I just remember their grabby hands as they held me under the water. An off duty police officer who just happened to be biking home saved my life. I never went to the river after that. The peace and serenity I had gotten from it was lost. I just knew the blind panic of drowning and it wasn’t something I ever wanted to feel that again. HE brooked no quarter. He yanked on my cuffs hard pulling me past him off balance. My feet and ankles hit the water and I lost my balance. I crashed hard down into the surf. The water closed over my head. I screamed and my throat was filled with salty warm water. I choked then there was a loud rushing in my ears of thousands of wings. Finally, everything just went black. 31

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My hearing returned first. It sounded like everything was echoing down a long narrow corridor giving it a bizarre tonal quality but I could understand it. “This was more than just not knowing how to swim. This was more than a panic attack. He was in a blind frenzy, Antoine. I’ve never seen him do this, ever. Something’s wrong. Something’s really wrong here. We will have to get Victor to start cracking the databases.” I was being rocked back and forth and my hair was plastered back to my head. I was soaking wet and shivering with a chill. How? The water was warm. The sun was hot. Why was I so cold? Awareness came back in degrees. I was leaning against Erik. My limbs were trembling. He was cradling me with his body, plastered against my back with his knees up on either side of my thighs. I felt so cold except where his body touched me. His body was warm against mine I tried not to admit to myself that it was comforting. One hand was splayed on my chest right over my heart as if to keep it from freezing. His cheek was pressed against my temple and his other hand was stroking my hair. Just as if I was his pet. “Master Erik, should we move him back to the villa?” “No, he’s coming round. I can feel his heartbeat is getting back to normal. Just angle the umbrella a little more. I’ll feed my Love when he wakes up and we will have a frank discussion.” “Master Erik.” There was a little hint of a warning in Antoine’s voice. “He’s safe with me.” “Dr. Kenovich should be arriving tomorrow.” HIS voice was soft but that steely determination that I had beat my head against was there. “I said, he’s safe with me, Antoine. I’m in control.” I was weak. When did I get to be so weak? I kept my eyes closed and just rested heavily back against his too warm flesh. HE held me in a parody of protectiveness and kept up a slight but steady rocking motion. He was my own private electric blanket 32

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keeping the deep cold nipping at the edges of my psyche at bay. I never used to be this weak. “I know you’re awake, Trevor. I’ve got you. Rest. I know you’re tired. Just close your eyes, Treasure. Everything will be better when you wake up.” I thought I felt a kiss to my temple. I ignored it. I was tired so I slept. Somewhere along the way, I had stopped dreaming. Or if I did dream, I didn’t recall it anymore. When my dreams stopped, so did my writing. I took a deep breath and exhaled in a slight groan. The air was unbearably warm, it felt good on my chilled body. I was still locked in Erik’s possessive embrace and under the shade of an extra large beach umbrella. “Are you okay, my pet?” A slice of melon pressed against my lips. I opened my mouth and he popped the sweet morsel in. My wrists were still locked together. Erik had shifted us so I when I focused my eyes I was now staring across the sand back toward the villa stead of waking up to face the vast expanse of water. Thank you. Silently, he kept pressing pieces of fruit into my mouth. The fruit was still cool. The bowl was floating in a mix of ice and water. How long was I out? Slowly I chewed the tender, sweet melon bit. HE pressed me forward as he reached for the water bottle I had left in the sand. He brushed the granules off then snapped the cap open. I could felt every movement he made against me as he took a drink. Suddenly I was unbearably thirsty… “Water…” My voice cracked. “not cold…” “Sensitive teeth again?” HE asked and I wondered how he knew. He took another deep mouthful then leaned towards me, his cheeks bulging slightly. I just blinked at him then angled my head so my mouth would close over his. He slowly dribbled the water into my mouth. When I had everything from his mouth HE smiled indulgently at me. “Now, I’m going to lay things out for you, my Treasure.” His hand brushed at my hair. “We cannot continue on this way. You are going to be remade.’ He allowed me to turn away from him. I know he allowed me to do it. He knew that I knew that I knew he knew, God! My head 33

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was spinning trying to figure that out. My thoughts were still mushy. I closed my eyes and bowed my head. I stiffened as a kiss was pressed to the nape of my neck. His hold tightened but relaxed when I did. He had a counter for every movement I made. HE was just reminding me who really was in control here. “Now, my Treasure, Dr. Kenovich has come through with flying colors again. It seems that there was an unfortunate accident at the state hospital you are supposed to be held at. The fire broke out in one of the common rooms. A pyromaniac got a hold of an incendiary device and tried to burn the place to the ground. It was only a minor fire but the smoke damage was massive. A little more than was strictly necessary and my foundation will have to pay for reconstruction but for the most part everyone escaped. Everyone but one poor soul.” “You killed someone?” My throat was raw and my voice sounded rough to my ears. “It wouldn’t be the first time, Trevor, nor the last. Sometimes it is a necessary evil. A man I highly respected taught me that.” I shuddered as a blunt manicured nail trailed from my ear down my neck to stop at the edge of the tunic that was also salt crusted to my torso. “To the rest of the world actually, you are an unfortunate causality of smoke inhalation. You were in isolation and the fire was set too close to your location. Trevor Howell is dead. The mastermind of the Golden Goose heist is dead and the trail to all that gold is now gone.” HE said it so matter of fact. Oh, you’re dead. I was scared but something seemed to click into place within me. I had been floating adrift for so long that it felt strange to find an anchor point within me. I voiced my suspicion, “You never came for the gold.” A slight chuckle brushed over the curl of my ear. “I came for Treasure, something I value more precious and irreplaceable than gold.” Something a little more numbing than fear gripped my chest. It was one thing to suspect it but it was something else to actually hear it admitted out loud. HE had to have stalked me to find out everything about me. I wasn’t even supposed to work that day. I had traded shifts with Melissa so she could go to her son’s school play. I had just decided to take her shift that morning of the 34

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robbery. I had called her. I thought I was a tough and smart cookie but it seemed I was really slow on the uptake here. Erik had come for me. The next big question that needed answers was, why? I wasn’t brave enough to ask that question. I wasn’t warm enough yet. I swallowed hard and asked the next biggest question of the moment. “What do you mean remade?” “Just like that television commercial says you are going to be all that you can be, Trevor.” What the hell does that mean? I stilled as his hand came up and stroked the side of my face. “The first thing we are going to have to take the fear out of your beautiful blue eyes. Be obedient. Listen to what I say and do it when I tell you to. I’m doing this for your benefit. Do what I ask and you will have nothing to be afraid of.” “The second thing we will have to work on is manners and posture. You are a slob. Appearance must meet reputation otherwise the hills you have climbed will have to be scaled again. You are my love. Where I go, so do you. I will not have a mongrel standing at my side.” That was a cruel thing to say. I turned my face away. I had heard all those taunts growing up parentless. Mongrel was their favorite. A mutt with no pedigree. I twitched as Erik plastered himself across my back wrapping his arms around my chest, pinning my arms to my side. “What was that expression right then, Trevor?” “Isn’t it what you wanted from me? All you’ve done is hurt me.” The words clung in my throat. “You need to obey me in all things without question. I want you to shine, my treasure. ” My bitterness came out in my voice as I was still stinging from the mongrel comment. “Haven’t you heard, all the glitters is not gold? I am a mongrel. Dressing me up differently isn’t going to change that fact.” HIS legs tightened slightly. “Clothes make the man, Trevor. It’s just like method acting. You take on the appearance of what you want to be and you become that. Change comes from within.” I got a kiss to my temple. “Now, we are going to get up and go to the showers. I know that you don’t like being backed into a corner but you are not really ready to be given true options. But lets 35

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try this; Behave and I will release your cuffs: misbehave and I will drag you behind me. What do you say to that my love?” “You don’t have to drag me” My answer was simple. Where the hell could I go? I was on an island. I was traumatized by water. This was a better prison that a state mental hospital could ever be. I got to be a free range nut job. Erik climbed to his feet then picked me up under my arms. He lifted me as if I weighed nothing. My pajamas had dried plastered to my thighs, ass and back. My face colored as I noticed they were slightly transparent. Erik had no problem seeing the red hair at my groin. I saw his smile as he took my wrists and snapped them apart. He kept a hold of my hands and lifted them up to his mouth. I shivered internally as he kissed my knuckles on each hand. He opened his eyes and I found myself pinned with his blue green gaze. It seemed like they were momentarily clouded then brightened. “Do not leave the villa without my permission. You are a prime candidate for sun stroke. Medical assistance is a long way away from here. Listen to me, my Treasure. I am trying to be kind.” He gestured me forward toward the long low mauve villa. I paused for a moment then began trudging up the sand bank. I could feel his eyes on my backside. I felt emotionally drained and physically exhausted. Now suddenly it seemed as if HE was going to kill me with kindness. I wondered if I would survive his kindness or if I wanted to.

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Lesson Three: Azure

I

n that moment on the sand he took care of me as if I was an AKC Westminster Champion Best in Show. For a mongrel with no pedigree, that was a step up in the world but doesn’t matter if there’s a piece of paper attached, a dog is a dog is a dog. On the way back to the villa though, HE let me stagger along on my own until my legs gave out under me. Trudging in sand saps the strength if you are as weak and beat up as I was. I tensed as his shadow cast over me but curbed my desire to scramble away, knowing that it was useless. The fact that I was on a private island made that action all too futile, I knelt under the full intensity of the sun. The headache that was skirting just below migraine level was starting to move to the next stage. It could have been the emotional upheaval but I think it was more the fact that HE had slammed my head off the metal headboard of the bed a couple of times then repeated it on the metal pole in the bathroom. HE paused waiting to see if I was going to keep struggling but I was tapped out, I just knelt there panting. The strength in his lean muscles took most of my weight as he hitched his hands under my arms and hauled me up, holding me close until I could get my feet under me. The world began darkening around the edges of my vision. Maybe this it was more than a headache. I sagged. And as easily as he did last night, he picked me up and carried me back into the cool shade of the villa. The re-surfacing memories of the river and almost being drowned were still battering around in my skull, and butterflies fluttered inside my chest. I don’t recall ever being this easily

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affected by what was happening around me but this wasn’t a normal time in my life. Stress could blow everything out of all proportion. And I was very stressed right now at not being able to make sense of what was happening to me. I was afraid that my mind was playing tricks on me, that this was all a dream or hallucination that I would never wake up from. And God, I wanted to wake up. I wanted to wake up and find I was back in my old life. I didn’t like this new life, sometimes I couldn’t remember what happened only minutes ago and that scared me. But then again, my memories had always been a little spotty even before the bank robbery.

I remember that the state appointed psychiatrist who saw me in jail before my trial said it was normal that I would have gaps in my memory. I had been through a traumatic experience as a child and I still couldn’t handle it so my mind was handling it for me, blocking the memory until I could deal with it. Adding this ‘incident’ to my more recent assault was like trying to toss sand bags down to hold back the rising flood. The only problem was I didn’t know how high the waters were going. The psychiatrist said that my memory suppression was a way of protecting myself from having a nervous breakdown. But just like every good defense there is always a chink somewhere. The psychiatrist had pointed out that there was a possibly of getting swept away by a trigger – just like now. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, apparently I had been suffering from it since I was a child and now my PTSD even more intense. He told me that PTSD isn’t as uncommon as one would think. And while memories might be missing or repressed, those memories were still there and I was going to have to deal with them someday or they would affect me in one way or another until I did.

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If this weakness and inability to stand up to Him was an example of ‘one of the other ways’, I decided I better get my act together and deal with all the shit going on in my mind. At the time I trusted that jerk off psychiatrist as far as I could throw him but now it seemed that he might be right about some of the bullshit he was shoveling at me during my so called treatment. I remember how he introduced himself with a forced smile and after handing me a box of crayons, how he said in a voice dripping with false encouragement, “Let’s draw our trauma.” It wasn’t our trauma. It was my trauma. Drawing it no matter who it belonged to, was crap, a waste of my time and his. In my court ordered sessions, I stuck to the truth that I had already given in my statements. He seemed only marginally competent at what he did. Hell, though you couldn’t tell by me, maybe he was actually good at what he did for a living but artifice is an art form, the word art is built right into it and he wasn’t any good at artifice. His affable manner was blatantly false. It grated and made me grit my teeth. I could spot a liar and a fake a mile away which was why HE freaked me out so much, He was neither. He meant everything he said and did to me and it scared the shit out of me. He had to be either totally deranged and incredibility dangerous because of it or what he was deliberately doing this shit to me because he had a plan and I didn’t want to admit to either possibility. I knew the psychiatrist was on the dime of the police, not there for me. Oh, he did believe I was the victim of a brutal sexual assault but he also believed that I was the ‘mastermind’ of that robbery. He viewed it as a gang power struggle but it didn’t matter how many different ways he asked, he couldn’t get the answer he wanted because I was innocent of any crime. Hell, I hadn’t even gotten a parking ticket since I got my drivers license or been sent to detention in high school, I was as innocent as a new born. Even if I did want to share my disturbing dreams of blue-green eyes and golden strands of hair, I didn’t have any confidence in that jerk so I kept them to myself, bottled them up and tried to forget them because at least I was free from HIM. Wasn’t I?

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I suppressed memories of the worst parts of surviving His assault after the robbery so why was I dreaming of Him now? Why was He in my dreams almost every night? Dreams were I was sitting beside him in a darkened concert hall, his too warm hand cradled around mine. Bringing him coffee in a tall paper cup with those extra sleeves because the liquid inside is scalding. Having him under me, his eyes aglow with a bright emerald green as passion ruled him. I thought that I deserved to be in a freaking mental hospital because who the hell fantasizes about their rapist? I was sick. I had to be. It would be better for society if I was confined. The alternative...well there wasn’t an alternative. “Will you stand under the shower or do I have to lock you to the post?” HIS voice whispered softly in my ear. It felt like someone ran a woolly duster all around the inside of my skull. It made me weak and tingly, it made me tremble, it made me wan….Fuck No! not that, never that! I opened my eyes finding us back in the coolness of the hedonistic bathroom. A slight groan passed my lips as he dropped his arm out from under my legs, dropping my feet to the warm tile. I groaned as the motion awakened all my aches and pains “I’ll stand.” I muttered through clinched teeth. I didn’t want to touch that smooth post but I was a little bit disoriented – still. My hand closed around the post but I made sure it was flesh to metal contact. It was probably a combination of the panic attack in the ocean, unpleasant memories or lack thereof and a touch of heat exhaustion but my legs were trembling with the effort of standing. My eyes were open but truthfully I really wasn’t seeing anything. Memories were mixing in my brain like the colors on a child’s pinwheel, all whirling together. Warm water fell gently like rain from above. Why could I have a shower without freaking out? Water is water. The container or lack of it shouldn’t matter but in my mind it did. I listed to starboard and barely caught myself before I fell over. I guess He noticed how much I was trembling and holding tightly onto the post, because a minute later he took the choice away from me. “Trevor, this is just for safety’s sake.” His voice was like treacle, warm and soft, pouring over my body like syrup. Gently but with an iron strength he pushed my wrist cuffs to the post. I was grateful He didn’t slam them. He just touched them 40

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metal to metal and they were locked again. He slid my hands up so I was almost nose first against the post. I would never admit it to him but the only reason I was still standing was because he hooked me there. I was exhausted; there was no way I could stand on my own. Once my clothing was completely soaked, Erik came back, scalding me with his touch as he slipped his fingers into the waistband of my wet pants. He tried to push them down my hips but had to stop to untie the drawstring. This was…something…something familiar. I shut my eyes as I felt his fingers moving inches from my navel. HE had licked me there last night and even though I didn’t want to, I ended up laughing and squirming beneath him as he sucked and tickled so close to my navel. Laughing with tears in my eyes at lest that is what HE thought it was until he lifted His head and saw me crying. Not an uncommon occurrence since I met Him but that time he stopped what he was doing and moved straight into fucking me. It didn’t bother me as much as the navel licking thing. I don’t know why, it just didn’t. HE made the simple act of undressing an erotic foreplay. I leaned forward resting my forehead between my suspended arms as his hands caressed bared flesh. My knees almost collapsed when his hands swept past my groin to pull the wet material off of me. I tensed as his face brushed against my flank, a moment later he stood straight behind me so that his chest and groin could pressed up against my backside. He was naked. Against me. He was hard. I was too tired to even attempt to fight him off. My whole body ached. His body was hotter than the water and seemed to burn itself into my flesh. He brought one hand up and splayed it gently across my chest. “That’s better, my love. Your heartbeat is steady.” His words wafted cool on my skin as he leaned forward over my wet shoulder, it made me shiver even though I wasn’t cold. I thought he was going to jab his cock deep inside me. I was braced against the pole and helpless as usual. But he backed off slowly and finished stripping me out of my salt encrusted bottoms. “Get on your knees.” His soft words rung with the sound of command. I snapped my eyes open and tried to focus on the post in front of me. Sluggish...my brain was so sluggish. 41

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“Get on you knees, Trevor, I need to get the salt out of your hair.” I think I flapped my elbows to remind him I wasn’t going anywhere without his help. A clear bottle filled with a silvery, green goop was pressed into my hand. Erik reached up and easily freed my wrists from the post. My legs gave out from under me. It was only his quick reflexes that kept me from falling to the tiles knee first. My tail bone hit his upper thigh but that was as far as I dropped. I got a gentle kiss to my shoulder. “Good boy.” He controlled my descent to the floor. I ended up sitting with my back supported by the post. He peeled the tunic off and it made a sloppy smack where it landed after He threw it. He chucked a finger under my jaw urging my head up. It was a chore to keep my eyes open. His blue green eyes were searching for something in my face. He didn’t find it. I ended up with a press of lips to my forehead. “You can close your eyes, Trevor.” HE turned washing my hair into a sensual experience. His finger tips ran through my hair starting at my forehead and sweeping back. His pressure was light but with just enough force to massage my scalp. I turned my head away instinctively when his fingers touched the jagged scar hidden under my hair. “Don’t fight me, Treasure, you’re doing so well.” His warm touch ran along the tender, fleshy seam. “Stop it. Don’t touch it.” I muttered as I pulled my head back again. My wrists hit the post quickly. My hands were now only three inches from the floor, close to the floor. I was now secured in my upright position, back to the pole. “Does it hurt?” He settled his weight on my upper thighs and began combing carefully through my hair. Since I was stuck to the floor, I gritted my teeth and let him push my hair this way and that as he examined the scar. “Trevor? Does this scar still hurt you?” His words were followed up with a hand to my chin. He forced me to look at him. “Yes, it hurts and I’ve got a headache.” I wasn’t kidding. “From the scar?” His fingers stilled. “Too much...sun, water just too much.” 42

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“Do you remember when you got this?” HE began to circle my temples with his forefingers. Just the right amount of pressure in clockwise circles. I moaned. My eyes snapped open. I wasn’t going to encourage him. He must have felt me suddenly tense because he stopped the massage and moved back to fingering combing my hair. I was disappointed, the massage had been very soothing. I had to admit to myself that I wanted more. “No.” My voice was breathy. I can’t be falling back into this again. I had cried myself to sleep in my padded room berating myself for dreaming about him, for dreaming of doing things with a psychopath. HE didn’t have me long, just under six months total but he trained this body to respond to him. I had to remember the horror of that training no matter what gentle thing he did to me now. HE had to be deranged because nobody normal kidnaps a man and fucks me senseless...him senseless. And I was already crazy, right? Why would the judge send me to a state hospital for the criminally insane if something wasn‘t off in me. That could explain why I ended up in the orphanage. One of my parents was round the bend, off the deep end. Some how, somewhere in my dark and murky mostly unremembered past there had to be something that could pinpoint where I went wrong. Something traumatic must have happened to make me insane. But then I had to remember that I was innocent of the crime I was found guilty of…wasn’t I? I was getting so confused that I could hardly remember if I was innocent or not, maybe it was part of my insanity that I only thought I was innocent because if I was innocent why was I here…with Him? I clenched my insides when HE smiled at me, really smiled at me; even his blue green eyes smiled. He looked so damned beautiful when he did that. A man shouldn’t look beautiful. NO, I shouldn’t find a man beautiful. I wasn’t gay. I wasn’t. I think I wasn’t. I had dated before HIM. I had dated girls. Girls with curves that filled the hands with voluptuous skin and soft trembling limbs. I hooked up with that Russian bombshell on that once in a lifetime trip. If we didn’t have to shower and eat we wouldn’t have gotten out of bed. But that was before He came into my life. He came and made my body dance to his sensual mastery. It was different being with Erik than being with 43

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Olga. There was no comparison. It was like apples and pomegranates. Then it was a stint in the hospital, followed by a whirlwind of jail, arraignment, then being sent to the county mental facility for the initial psychiatric assessments. That’s were Dr. Fake spent all his time trying to get me to confession to something I didn’t do. It was his recommendation that I be allowed in with the general population. I had seen him writing something down about being reintegrated into society. I was skittish. I needed human contact. I shuddered. I need human contact like I needed another hole in my skull. Erik brushed his hand down my cheek and I twitched as my mind brought me back to the moment. He was so close. Those blue-green eyes filled my vision staring into me, searching for something. I closed my eyes to erase the vision of my nude assailant as he leaned over me. I didn’t like the way I was reacting to his touch. I was heterosexual. I’d fucked that Russian for a week. I rocked her world. That means I’m straight. That I like girls. That I’m a pussy hound...that....nnnuughhhhh. HIS lips ran down the side of my neck from just behind my ear lobe, soft sucking kisses with a sweep of tongue right down to the hollow of my throat. “I am your all. I am your everything. I won’t allow you to forget, Trevor.” Erik lowered himself to his knees sliding back so his weight was mostly on my shins. He moved forward, His penis throbbed and slid against the closed valley of my trapped upper thighs. It almost felt good except it was HIM touching me. I was hard. When did I get an erection? His hand closed around me. My hips tensed and I groaned. I was licked like an ice cream cone from where I emerged from his fist to the tip. His hair tickled my stomach as His tongue moved up and down, I quivered. “I won’t let you forget me. I want you to remember, remember Trevor and be mine again.” His blue green eyes gleamed as he devoured me with his gaze. If my heart rate had returned to rest, it was pounding like a jackhammer now. I licked my lips nervously. His eyes shifted from mine down to my mouth. He nudged my head away, leaned in and sucked my earlobe into his mouth. My body was awash with 44

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sensation. The heat of his touch. The moisture of his tongue as it lapped my skin. The explosion of sensations in my groin. The warm spray of the shower. I can feel fingers at my hip, in another moment they are moving between my flesh and the warm tile, searching my ass, blind wanderers seeking access to my portal. When He found it his fingers brushed softly seeking entry and I hissed. Again I became aware that everything was sore and ached…I begged Him. “Please don’t…don’t…” “What was that my pet?” “...please don’t...everything hurts down there...” I was relieved and a little taken aback that HE pulled his fingers out of me. “You need release.” Erik whispered softly into my ear. “I’ve got you my treasure. I’ll keep you safe. I’ll treat you with the reverence that you deserve.” His free hand trailed down from my throat, gently tracing my collar bone. It drifted with a ghost touch over the edge of my shoulder and down my chest until his nail flicked over my pebbled nipple. A hot bolt of pleasure ripped through me. I cried out in pleasure despite my desire to show no reaction to his touch. “I love to hear your voice...let it out, my pet.” I could hear the indulgence in his voice. I clenched my teeth together and turned my head away from him. He pinched my budded nipples. I grunted behind closed lips. “Stubborn...so stubborn. Stubbornness has gotten you so far, Trevor. It’s still one of your most admirable qualities.” His hand snaked down my side slipping over my hip. His finger tips just stopped a hair’s breadth from groin. One finger touched the head of my cock. He tapped at the opening. I stiffened in more ways than one. “I like stubborn...” He tapped again then swirled his index finger just around the weeping slit as his other fingers tweaked my nipple. A gasp broke through my tightly closed lips. He laughed. Again it was like the sweep of a woolly duster from the base of my neck all the way down my spine, it tickled and teased and yet was not pleasant because that stupid duster was dirty, full of nasty things that hadn’t been shaken out. 45

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I hated the sensation but could not deny the surge of lust it brought. He closed his hand around me. His grip was so warm. My hips bucked forward into his hand, despite my loathing of him I couldn’t resist the urge. “Yes...yes, my Treasure. How shall I do this? Hmmm? Would you like my hand? Or would you prefer my mouth? I know you like my mouth, but if you want it, you have to ask me.” How could he? Why was I bucking into his grip? He hurt me. He put me in the hospital...in a couple of hospitals. I should be fighting him. Why wasn’t I fighting him? Why? I closed my eyes. Why was he haunting me? What have I done to him to deserve this kind of retaliation? The dark chasm that served as my memories was empty. The first time I ever saw him was when he came into the bank to rob it, or at least it was the only time I could remember. No one had proved anything different but here I was on a tropical island learning to be his sex slave. Why? “Erik...” Why was I calling His name? “Yes, my love.” I shivered at the touch of a warm tongue on the sensitive head of my cock. He sat back on his heels, his knees spread on either side of my legs, his skin slick with the falling droplets of warm water. His blonde hair was wet making it darker, a duller gold but his eyes. Those eyes. They still glowed an unusual green, almost an animalistic gleam of green shining in the darkest night. One hand still gripped my cock. His thumb stroked the underside in mind numbing circles. My body arched towards him without my permission. I could feel the heat of his body burning into mine. “Erik.” His name came out light, a lover’s sigh. What was wrong with me? His forehead touched mine. He nuzzled his face up to me. Cheek to cheek. Lip to lip. Cock to cock. I felt his lips flutter against mine. “Tell me, Trevor. Tell me what you want. Ask me for anything and I will get it for you. I want nothing more than to lay the world at your feet.” He was too close. His eyes saw too much. I couldn’t lie to myself when he was touching me. “Suck me.” “By your command, my Treasure. You have to do nothing but enjoy.” His hands stilled their titillations.

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I was his prisoner yet again. I swallowed as I felt the soft kiss against the curl of my ear. I pulled on my arms but I was trapped. I wasn’t getting off the shower floor until he released me. Erik began to press his lips down my shoulder toward my sternum. He was eating me alive. It had to be my imagination but where his lips traveled it felt like a hot trail lingered afterwards. Like fireworks exploding in blinding a flash and the cascading lights were sparks of ecstasy he was gifting unto me. He kissed my stomach moving around my navel, carefully avoiding it. His hands pressed on my inner knees and urged my legs wider. When did he shift off me? I never noticed it. There was one more glance up from his blue green eyes, he caught me in his gaze and kept it as he opened his mouth. His tongue flickered out lapping at my leaking traitorous member. I had to say something. He had to stop. This wasn’t right. I shouldn’t...I had to...beg him to stop. “Yes...” I whispered. What was I doing? Why am I....uuuuggghhhh. I tossed my head back and it rattled off the metal pole. He knew what he was doing. I closed my eyes turning my face up to the shower head, stretching my throat taut to try and keep my noises to a minimum. His tongue was lapping at the weeping slit. His hands....my hands were locked to the post but suddenly both of his hands were entangling with mine. He slipped his warm digits between mine and closed his fingers. We were now holding hands as his shoulders pressed my thighs wider. I couldn’t fault him for his fellatio. He knew what he was doing even in the beginning. Months ago when I was bound and blindfolded he wrung pleasure out of my body. And now a twist this way, a tug that way and I was putty in his hands. Just like before. The darkness now was my own doing. I kept my eyes closed against this pleasure. When he first kidnapped me he kept me in darkness. My hands were duct taped together. My mouth was similarly silenced. A rag was tight around my head pressing down hard on the bridge of my nose. There had been so much noise and motion for what seemed the longest time then I was dragged out to silence. I lay there as I listened to the van drive away. At first I thought I had been dumped as they drove away and left me. When arms wrapped around my chest and I was yanked back against this 47

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too warm body I knew I was still in danger. I just didn’t know how much danger I was still in. I opened my eyes and stared up at the wide skylight flooding the room with light, drops from the showerhead made me blink as the water rained gently down on me. I moaned as his throat contracted around my cock as it was drawn deep into his mouth. I brought my eyes down from the heavens and was pinned with his intense blue green gaze. He watched me unblinkingly as his head bobbed up and down my length. My slick cock slipping in and out of his warm pale lips. It was intense. His mouth was full and the only sound was my moans of unwanted pleasure, the trickle of the rain shower and His heavy breathing. I was being enveloped in steam and passion. This sensation seemed to beckon to me. “Come with me. Come for me. I will catch you. You will never fall. I will never let you be alone in the world again.” It was all there in those eyes. Those blue green eyes glowing like an off color emerald. My pleasure was rising. I couldn`t look away. I didn`t want to look away. What was wrong with me? I wanted to be reflected in those eyes forever. I only broke contact as my ejaculation surged forth surprising me. Erik didn`t pull back. I felt his lips contract around me. Devouring my soul while I was still pinned in place. His hands were still clasped in mine and gripped tightly as my hips bucked forward. My heart was pounding as if it would burst out of my chest. He didn’t let go. Too much. His mouth was still wringing sensation from me. The muscles in my stomach were twitching rhythmically as his tongue stiffened and pushed hard into my weeping slit. An agonized grunt broke through my clenched teeth.

I opened my eyes. A badly dyed black head of hair was bobbing up and down on me. The hair was limp and dull. It didn’t match my memory of his pale shoulders cloaked in soft black 48

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strands of silken hair that drew my eyes in pleasure. He gagged as he tried to force my cock down his throat. I could feel the panicked flutters as he choked. He was trying too hard to please me. “Such a keener; sing for me, baby. Let me hear you keen your pleasure.” He finally had to admit defeat and pulled off my cock. His breathing was labored and his whole body shuddered. He finally lifted his head, that damned black hair hanging limp in his face masking his perfect beauty but it did have one redeeming quality. It framed those beautiful eyes of his. It made the color more vibrant. The love he held for me was easily seen in his eyes. Those beautiful blue green jewels. I don’t think he would want to know what I would do to keep those precious eyes focused forever on me.

What? I blinked and saw those same eyes staring up at me. They were older. They were colder. A word left my lips. I don’t know where it came from but its affect is devastating. His cock ripped past the tight ring of muscle. I was unprepared. I screamed. Too much....too much…The calm tender period of holding of hands was over as if it never was. I turned my head as he tried to kiss me with cum still clinging to his lips. One of his hands was wrapped around the back of my knee pulling my leg up higher and wider. He raped me...and like before I was helpless. My spine was slammed hard back against the post with each thrust. It hurt. It stung. It burned. I could do nothing but take it and suffer. He was out of control. I could do nothing but endure. Nothing made sense. I didn’t want to be here. Let it be over. Finally he grunted his release and slumped forward on me. His chin digging into my shoulder. My wrists strained at the cuffs, locked to the post again. Wearily I turned my face away from his and let the tears mix with the gentle rain from the shower. He was still deep within me. I grit my teeth and sniffled as he nuzzled at my throat and pressed kisses to my neck. “Treasure.” It was a whisper of satisfaction that swept across my flesh. The only thing keeping me upright was his weight 49

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pressing me against the pole. I hurt too much to cry out against the pain in my back as it ground into my flesh. The saltiness of my tears running down my face reached his lips as he kissed my jaw line. He stilled. “Trevor? Oh my...” Erik reached between us and pulled himself free. I hissed at the sharp stab of pain as he pulled out of me. A sob broke out from deep in my chest and I ended up dragging in a ragged breath. “You called me...I thought you wanted it that way. You only called me that when... You`re bleeding...Victor, notify the entire house, medical emergency.” He was stammering. I couldn’t remember Him ever doing that before. I was numb. Erik pulled me free from the post. I pushed at his shoulders trying to make him give me some space. I ended up half lying on his naked lap the evidence of my injury staining his cock. I tried to get up, to get away from him but he wrapped his arms around me keeping me prisoner. I stilled. Where would I go if I did escape from him. We were on an island. “Why did you call me that? Trevor?” His arm laid across my back. I stared sightlessly across the multicolored tiles. They were one inch square. Did they come in single tiles or were they like one foot squares? I tried to occupy my mind with anything other than what had just happened. Numb...stay numb. “Trevor?” His hand came up into my hair and brushed it back off my face. His touch was back to being gentle. “Trevor, talk to me. Why did you call me that?” “Azure. Its the color of your eyes.” My voice was monotone. I was tired. I was just so tired. “Victor, shower off. Heat lamps on.” The commands He gave were quickly carried out. The pelting water dribbled off and suddenly we were bathed in a red light. For some reason it made his eyes glow red. It should have frightened me but I was exhausted and hurting too much to really pay attention. “Victor?” I was grasping at anything. I didn’t want to feel the hot moist liquid oozing from my pain wracked portal. I didn’t want to know if it was blood or semen or if it was a combination of both. 50

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There was a pause but he seemed to realize I needed mundane right now. “Victor is a sophisticated artificial intelligence computer program. He controls everything in the villa. Water filtration, waste management, temperature control, window tint. He can cook your favorite meal to perfection all, you need to do is ask.” “You made him?” The water was slowly draining toward the chrome plated drain in the middle of the floor. “No, my pet. Victor is the brain child of another man. This whole island, manor and Victor belonged to him.” The back of his knuckles lightly stroked down my cheek. Past tense. Belonged to. Not belongs to. Erik fell silent, holding onto me gently. I didn’t have the strength to even try to crawl away from him. The distinctive sound of deck shoes squeaking on wet tile filled my ears as Antoine and several other men came rushing into the bathroom. “ERIK!” It was the same cane-crazy bastard’s voice from the night before. “I’ve injured Trevor, Antoine.” Erik’s tone was repentant. A woman spoke, “Really, Erik. If you are not going to be taking your meds then you have to have better control yourself. Trevor is not as strong as you...” That voice. I jerked myself up, pushing myself off of the warm body. My forearms quivered from the effort of pushing myself up, there was a sharp stabbing pain deep in my ass. I knew from my previous experience with being raped that I was hurt bad. And I knew that woman’s voice. I looked up to see that a sandy blonde, tall, leggy woman standing there inside the doors of the bathroom . She was decked out in cork sandals that tied around delicate ankles. Tan and toned legs extended for miles to end in fuchsia shorts with a white blouse tied up under her breasts. She was tan all over I knew that for a fact, I knew those legs. My Russian bombshell from the tacky tiki hut. Olga. “Dr. O.” Erik greeted the newcomer. Oh my God. This was all a set up. Even before I was kidnapped from the bank, Erik had targeted me. I don’t know where I got the strength but anywhere was better than half lying in HIS arms. He was a clever stalker as well as a rapist planning my downfall right to where I was now, right into his arms. I fought my way off him. Antoine got a hand on me but I was still slick from the 51

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water beading on my skin. Adrenalin surging through my system I skittered away and tried to dodge around the other men. I was tackled and fell face first down onto the tiles, my arm was wrenched up behind my back as my captor knelt on my neck. “Don’t be rough, Jean.” Antoine admonished. Physically I was restrained. My face was screaming in agony as who ever sat on my neck pressed my face hard into the tiles despite Antoine’s order. Blind rage ripped through me. I’d been kidnapped. Raped. Scammed and lulled by the fake trip I thought I had won. The last year of my life I now was positive was a lie but I was wondering just how much more of it was part of that lie? I was furious that I had been fucked in the head so much that I actually responded to that jackass. With a spurt of bravado that even surprised even me I started cursing everyone. “Don’t touch me you goddamn fucker. You’re sick. Rapist. Fucking sadistic psychopath. I don’t want your cock anywhere near me. If I get the chance I’ll fucking cut it off so can’t....Aaaahhhh! Fucking bitch!” I got stabbed in the shoulder in the shoulder with a syringe The same damned thing they pumped into me when they took me from the court house. It burned through my blood. It took me down hard. I fought against it. I raged against it but it took out my core pretty quick. I lay naked on the tiles. I struggled weakly but the man on top of me leaned harder until my face was scraped by the small glass tiles grinding into my skin. I whimpered a protest at more pain. Suddenly there was a clap of what sounded like thunder and the weight on me was gone. The man who had been pressing my face relentlessly into the sharp tiles was lying next to the near wall his face red from the imprint of a slap to his cheek. Erik said in a deadly voice, “I warned you to be gentle with him, there won’t be a next time.” Antoine’s voice was a placating tone. “I will speak to him, Master Erik.” I continued my pathetic defiance, “...hate you...fucking hate you...kill you...raping...bast....” The next thing I was aware of was the approach of the cork shoes as they moved forward. I could see the soft shell pink painted on her toenails. A familiar voice crooned, “Don’t listen to him, 52

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Erik. He doesn’t mean it. He’s scared and he’s in panic mode. He doesn’t know what he’s saying.” “...hate you...” My thoughts were fading and getting fuzzy. My body was sluggish and relaxing. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I thought I heard someone crying when the drug began to drag me under. “But he called me Azure.” “I’m sorry Erik. It looks like it was a mistake and what he is saying now… You know he doesn’t mean it. He’s just scared and confused. Give him some time to get used to things. It’s been a trying time fore him.” She still had that hint of a Russian accent. Before my mind was completely fuzzed out I thought that the fucking bitch was aroused by the sight of the violence here in the bathroom, I could tell by her voice. I’d heard that aroused voice almost twenty four hours a day for over a week and she was wrong. I would hate that bastard to my dying day. The room darkened. The sounds of voices drifted off to nothing. The only thing that remained in my mind’s eye was azure. The color of his eyes. Those blue green eyes.

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Lesson Four: The Good Doctor and The Devil

A

ll other sound was blocked. White noise that sounded so much like waves crashing to the shore in an endless barrage was trapping me. Corralling me. Restricting me. Holding me prisoner. I wanted to scream for it to stop. There was nothing keeping me from screaming out my rage and frustration but my own stubbornness. I was better than that. I knew I was better, more in control than the urge to scream conveyed. I reached down expecting to curl my hands into the white sand of the beach but I touched bare flesh instead. Warm flesh. It convulsed under my bruising touch. I opened my eyes. I was crouching over him with my legs on either side of his waist. Those azure blue eyes stared up at me in fear and something else, a faint look of what? Adoration? Hope? Trust? Those gorgeous blue green eyes that glittered with unshed tears. My hand was around his throat, tight but not choking as long as he didn’t struggle. I wanted him to struggle but then again I didn’t. I didn’t want to hurt him – much. I could willingly spend eternity in damnation if I could stare into those lovely eyes while I lived through all that endless time. His mouth moved and his nostrils flared. He spoke but I couldn’t hear his voice. It was muffled by that rush of white noise sounding in my head. I knew him, this was my Erik. He was tense and scared but even so he looked up at me with such trust. He would let me do whatever I wanted because he loved me. Because I had made him 54

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my lover, accepted him as my companion in life. Because I acknowledged all that he was without reservation. Erik. Sweet and dangerous, like the tender flower of the lilac and hemlock. Romantic poets down through the ages had been spouting that there was someone special out there for each of us if we searched long enough. Our soul mate, yes, Erik was mine. At last. His throat convulsed under my palm. I watched fascinated as he licked his lips nervously. Those glorious eyes never left mine. Maybe one day my soul would be innocent and housed in a pale, chubby body but now it was stained with power and deadly, in a sleek hard body that trembled in a need to be released to rent and tear this young man trembling under me. No. I kept the reins taut and in check. He was not for me to destroy but to create to my desire. I knew it wouldn’t be difficult to mould him to my wishes. His skin was smooth and clear with baby fat still clinging to his body and facial features. I would hone that body, those high cheek bones and dissolve that baby fat. His hair was badly dyed black and brittle to a straw-like texture. I would restore life to that abused thatch and make it a shiny crown of silk. I could see beyond the physical. It was a talent that I’d always had. I could look at someone and see their potential, and their true hidden self, I could peek at the dirty thoughts inside their brain, the sins hiding in the darkest corner of their soul. It made them easier to exploit and blackmail, to twist and bend to my will. I could so easily make something ugly and hateful out of him. I could see that weak flutter of innocence waiting to be corrupted… This time, however, I could see what he could become if I chose. What a lovely thing I could make of him if I wanted to and with those eyes and lips…yes I wanted to. He would be mine forever. That mouth of his, those beautifully formed lips caught my attention the first time I saw him. The way those perfect, expressive lips moved in poetic symmetry as he trembled in panic and excitement, his tremulous smile, it captured me. I leaned forward on one hand then moved until I hovered just above his lips. I could hear the rapid beating of his heart breaking through the white noise. I could feel his blood pulse under smooth skin and my hard hand. Reluctantly releasing my grip on his throat, I snaked my hand around the back of his neck and pulled him up to 55

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me. His lips parted without urging so I could taste him. His kisses were sweeter than wine. And when I got enough of his lips, it was those eyes... those blue green eyes that glowed with such intelligence sealed my desire for him. ”My Azure...I’m going to make you mine.” It was Erik but it wasn’t. In that timid young man who trembled under my body I saw a beautiful man with soft hair that gleamed with a silken glow. In my mind’s eye, I saw what Erik could be. Those around him who were supposed to love him unconditionally had pushed him away and forced him to hide his true self in bad hair dye and fat. Because they were weak, they wanted to turn him into a pale shade of themselves. Not me. I wanted him to stand straight and tall. He was beautiful. The world would crouch as his feet and beg for his attention when his outer packaging matched his inner strength and resolve. He was going to be a god when I re-made Erik to my specifications.

What the fuck was that! I woke tangled in linen sheets. The scent of my own fear filled my nostrils. I wasn’t in the master’s bedroom. I glanced down at my wrists. The cuffs were still locked on me, nothing had changed there. Looking around I noticed that my location had changed. Where the hell was I? I went to shift off the bed and a sharp pain stole my breath flashed through me. Oh my God. He raped me. Again. But even more brutally. Those previous times weren’t remotely as violent as last time. Even when that bastard had me hostage the first time, nothing he did came close to what happened to me in the shower. Oh God!...tears began to sting my eyes. I need to get the hell out of here. My heartbeat was pounded in my ears. I could feel the pulse in my neck throbbing. I tried to roll over and a sharp agony exploded in my head. I groaned and gingerly lay back down. My hands covered my eyes. Please God, I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t remember experiencing pain like that. Ever! 56

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“Paging Dr. Kenovich. Paging Dr. Kenovich” A man’s warm voice called out from the speakers in the corners of the room. I must have squeaked or groaned or made more noise that I thought because the tall man known as Antoine, the cane wielding asshole, came to my bedside. Dropping my hand back to the mattress I stared up at him with a ball of fear roiling in my heart. “Sir, you must remain still.” “Or?” My voice was scratchy and dry. I swallowed and bit my bottom lip to suppress a groan as another pain surged through my body. “The doctor says you need to stay in bed. I have been given leave if necessary to so what is needed to make you lay still. I will strap you down if I have to but I would rather have your cooperation. You have a choice.” If I didn’t agree I had no doubt that this mountain of a man would have no trouble subduing me. Not because of his size, but because he had all ready already demonstrated that he could restrain and hold me down. I hurt like hell anyways, so I eased back down on the bed aiming for limp noodle-ness. The air was warm, heavy with tropical moisture and slightly stifling. It would be nice if the air conditioner was turned on but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of asking him for that. When my body relaxed, the pain lessened –the slight reduction of pain was better than the level it was at before I lay down. I guess still was better than moving about but I was never going to admit it to that bastard. The windows that took up the side wall were darkened against the late afternoon sun. I figured that it was only an hour or two since He had attacked me in the shower, not the next day yet. My body hurt too much for it to be any later. How the hell did it happen? Not the getting to the island thing but the sudden violence, the unexpected attack from Him? Before he went all scary on me, he was doing some serious pleasure wrangling. I can’t deny it was me making all those noises. I might have wanted to but lying to myself gets me in worse trouble so yeah, Erik knew my erogenous zones. So what happened? I said something. I couldn’t recall it. Whatever the trigger, it was lost in the black void of my mind. “I bet you are wondering how this all happened?” The Russian bitch who until recently was a fond and sexy memory lounged against the door frame. 57

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Her taut midriff bare, she had her forearms crossed under her ample breasts, which shoved them up even higher. She cocked her head to one side letting her long blond hair cascade over one shoulder and down her arm. I figured this was just a ploy to get a man’s eyes to focus on her boobs, she’d done it before in Tahiti, I’d liked it then. But now…Bitch! “Greetings, comrade.” My voice was low, scratchy and a whole lot of sarcastic. “Cute. Antoine, could you please get Trevor his lunch. We are going to have a little conversation.” Dr. Olga Kenovich rolled her hips into the room. What was that expression? She had a “chewing gum walk.” She was built like a woman from the forties, one of those World War II pinups that ended up painted on the side of a bomber. Long hair, long legs, voluptuous curves. Ultimate destruction in a deceptive wrapper. “I am not supposed to leave him alone, Dr. Kenovich.” Antoine met the woman’s gaze steadily. She didn’t try the boob thing with him. Either she was a snob who didn’t fraternize with the hired help or she had tried and it didn’t work on him. I think she was an equal opportunity tormentor so either Antoine was gay or suffered from E.D. “I’m not the one you have to worry about. Erik should be on his meds if he has gotten this unpredictable already.” Olga perched on the edge of the bed. “Don’t worry, if Erik comes in, I can put him down.” She pat the back of my hand then turned her face back to the behemoth of a mocha toned man in orderly scrubs. “You know how capable I am, Antoine. Now, shoo. Trevor and I need to discuss some things.” Antoine paused for a moment then turned and left the room. Then it was me and the Russian bombshell whose attention was focused on the tropical scene outside my window wall. I toyed briefly with the thoughts of overpowering her but then again why bother? I was on a private island. Where the hell was I going to hide? Under a coconut? And I remembered the strength in that lithe body from the time in Tahiti. Olga was a woman who knew what she wanted and she had no qualms about taking it from your tormented body and you blissfully thanked her for it. I thought that one time we were goofing around as she pinned me to the ground and rode herself to 58

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ecstasy on ‘my little pony’. The position was uncomfortable and it hurt but when I tried to shift her, I found I couldn’t. Thinking back on it now; that was rape. What the hell? Did I have “Victim” tattooed on my forehead? There was a brief pause until she was sure that Antoine was out of earshot and she turned her attention back to me. “Questions...you’ve got them but first I’m going to tell you a story. Don’t pout, Trev. It’s not a flattering look for you.” I just kept my eyes forward staring up at the ceiling. I felt like such a chump. The charity trip was before Erik I thought but now it stunk of him. Back then I was overweight, what I liked to call “a little chunky,” and pale. I was beyond flattered when this goddess of a woman hit on me at the poolside bar. I got a coconut cup with an umbrella stuck in it from the lady at the end of the bar. I should have known something was off. Pretty doesn’t date pudgy. Fact of life 101. She was way out of my league. Based on this depth of this deception, she was so far out of my league that she was playing a different game. “How old are you?” She ran a hand up to smooth her hair. Huh? What? “Do you know?” Olga shifted and lifted a tanned leg up to rest on top of the mattress beside me. My hand knew what the skin of her calf felt like, the back of her knee; the way her muscles moved so sleekly under her flesh. Lies. She is the Empress of Lies. “I’m twenty-seven.” I looked passed her to the open doorway. “What are you basing that on, love?” A hand reached up and plucked a stray lock of hair off my forehead. She smoothed it off my face. “Hmmm?” I turned my head away lifting my hand up to rake my overly long hair off my face. I could do without her pity party touches. She was leaning forward trying to pin me with those deep brown velvet eyes. Her perfectly plucked eye brown arched. “So based on that number of twenty-seven, that means you were born in 1981?” I frowned. No, the nuns told me that I was born in 1975. What was going on? Basic math. I worked in a bank for hells sake and I couldn’t calculate how old I was? “What is your last name?” Olga hovered over me. “Howell.” I had to clear my throat to croak that out. She shook her head. I actually cringed when she reached out to me. She touched the side of my head and her fingers traced along 59

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my scalp until her tips found the long scar that my hair hid. “Where did you get this scar, Trevor? Do you know? Can you remember?” I turned my head away. “You can’t can you.” It was more of statement than an actual question. “You seem to be the one with all the answers. Why did you stalk me?” “Stalk you? That is such a harsh term for what we had together. I considered it a pleasurable interlude resulting from our paths crossing.” She laid her hand flat on my chest then swept it down towards my groin. I blocked her passage with my wrist and forced her hand off me. “You’ve slimmed down and toned up since Tahiti. I think I got screwed.” She gave me an artful pout but her velvet eyes gleamed with something a little more sinister than mischief. I was actually scared of her so I resisted the obvious “you got screwed Bitch, how about me?” reply. “What am I doing here? Why is he doing this to me?” I was proud that my voice was steady and tinged with anger. It didn’t hint at any of the quivering butterflies that were threatening to stage a riot in my stomach “Why is he doing this?” Olga cocked her head to one side sending her hair cascading back down her arm and over her breasts. “He’s doing this because this is what you trained him to do. He is what you made him, Trev. This is all you allowed him to be.” She could have poured herself over pancakes she was so damned sweet. Remnants of the nightmare floated up from the darkness. Erik with a younger face with crudely hacked and damaged black hair., but with such trust and need looking up at me from those damned blue green eyes. Was it a nightmare? Was that memory? I stared back into Olga’s brown eyes. There was a sorrow there intermixed with the conviction of truth. No. No. Everyone around me was lying. They were lying to me. Right from the beginning, right from winning that charity raffle trip, these...monsters were laying in wait for me. What have I done to deserve this? Nothing! Nothing! roared in my head. Nothing! stabbed me in my heart.

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“What are you talking about? I’ve never seen him before he kidnapped me from the bank.” As soon as those words escaped my lips, I knew they were a lie. I was lying to myself? Olga gave a big sigh. “Trev. Trev, yes, it would have been better if Erik could have just left you alone but if he did, I don’t doubt that you would have been shot in the head a while ago.” Huh? “He tried traditional methods. Hell, I was against this when Erik brought it up but this was the closest I’ve seen him back to normal, well as normal as he gets since...” Just from her tone I could tell that Erik wasn’t a favorite person of hers. “I have never seen him before, ever.” I repeated sullenly. Why did I suddenly feel like I was lying to a nun? I glanced to the side of the bed, away from her profile. “Trev...Trevor. You need to listen to me. This is going to save your ass as well as Erik’s sanity. This was a train wreck right from the start and I really can’t watch it any more. Your name is Trevor Donahue. You took the name of the street the orphanage was on as your last name. You were left at the doorstep March 10, 1975. You are, or I should say, were an undeniable genius. This is YOUR island. YOU created Victor. Everything here, belongs to YOU. Especially Erik Howell.” I tried to sit up and gasped in agony. Olga pressed her hand to my shoulder and easily, way too easily, pushed me flat. “You know him, somewhere locked in here. You know him.” She touched my forehead. “If you were just grasping at straws, why would you pick Howell as your last name?” Her hand was still touching my forehead. Either everyone around me was hot temperature wise or I was just chilled to the core. “Who are you?” Her hand stroked across my forehead and then moved down to cup my cheek. Those brown velvet eyes softened to the color of sable as they roamed my face. She was searching for something in my expression. She blinked and that sable softness was gone. I guess she didn’t find ‘it’. “Once, before Erik, I was your lover; now, I’m just your Doctor. You are a rich and powerful man, Trev. Rich and powerful men get rich and powerful enemies. The only weakness that your enemies could exploit was your precious Azure.” 61

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I stiffened. That action sent a sharp yet deep ache ripping through me again. “Those enemies made an attempt on Erik. They tried to run him down in the street. You knocked him out of the way but you took the brunt of the collision instead. You went into cardiac arrest there on the pavement, Erik performed CPR on you for thirteen minutes before the ambulance could get to you. He knelt in your pool of blood and worked like a madman to keep your heart going. When the ambulance finally arrived they had to use the defibulator on you to get your heart going again. You were dead for at least ten minutes. When they got your heart going again you went from the ER to ICU. You were in critical condition. You had skull fractures and swelling of the brain. The best neurosurgeons rebuilt your skull. That’s why that scar is so long. You were in a coma for six weeks. Erik never left your side. He didn’t eat. He didn’t sleep. I finally had to sedate him and drag his ass out of ICU.” Olga turned her eyes to me, “Does this sound familiar? Or maybe I should ask, does this feel familiar?” I stared at her. Horrified. She explained everything as if she were narrating a PBS documentary on the mating habits of wildebeests instead of telling a patient he had died of his injuries. Where the hell was the bedside manner that doctors were supposed to have? No it didn’t sound familiar but then again, it did FEEL familiar. Azure. Azure was the color of those blue green eyes. My Azure. “How old are you, Trev?” My voice was barely a whisper. “33.” “How old is Erik?” “27?” Olga nodded. “You’re missing five years, love. Those five years are with Erik. Who you are now is nothing like who you were. I can’t even say that you are a shadow of your former self because then you were pure shadow. Light wouldn’t dare attempt to touch you.’ ‘You, my love, were an arrogant, condescending, bastard who took what he wanted when he wanted it because he could. You could charm the birds from the trees and if they didn’t come when you called them, you cut down the tree and stomped the eggs. 62

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When you told people to jump, they jumped. They didn’t ask how high, they jumped. That is the legacy you left for Erik. His living up to your reputation has messed up what was off kilter to begin with.” Olga slipped off the bed and stood up. One would never mistake her for a man. She had the curves that were so out of fashion since the Twiggy dates days of boyishness. How the hell could I know trite junk like that but every time I tried to pull something from the void, I got nothing but a migraine? Olga reached out and brushed my red hair off my forehead, “Somewhere in that mess of a mind, I think you still really care for Erik. You don’t remember me. You don’t remember your own name but you remember his. You don’t know how much that pisses me off. How far back can you really remember?” “The orphanage.” “So, this is just the Erik phase that has gone AWOL on you. I find that interesting, from a professional point of view.” There was too much of a hint of venom in the Russian’s voice to take what she said at face value. This was not professional detachment. I frowned. Didn’t she say we were a couple once upon a time? This was personal. There was too much bitterness directed at me for this to be an even bigger deception than the one I was foundering with right now. I was with her then met Erik and left with him? No woman likes to lose to another woman. With what I knew of Olga Kenovich I sincerely doubted that she would take losing her man to another man with grace. “After you came out of the coma, you were little more than a babe in an incubator. The secure Rehab clinic we had you transferred to had to teach you how to walk. Your speech was slow but that came back quickly. Your reading ability wasn’t affected, neither was your writing except for the tremors in your hands but that was gone in less than six weeks. You should have been dead, Trevor or at the best, a vegetable but you didn’t die and you didn’t stay a vegetable. You were incredibility lucky. Then again, you’ve always seemed to have a charmed life.” When the hell was I lucky? I was an orphan. I had my skull crushed. I was five years older than I thought I was. I taught that blonde haired, blue-green freak to rape me? Again, this is all based on Olga’s story and I wasn’t too sure how much I could trust her. 63

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I’d been between her legs. God, Erik had been between mine. The thought of both happenings made my head hurt. “Erik brought in the best therapists and psychoanalysts’ that money could buy and they all recommended that we not tell you a damn thing about yourself. You were to bloom in your own time and it would be in the best interest to allow your psyche to find your own way.” Again just from her tone, I could tell what she thought of the specialists, which apparently wasn’t much. “You got well enough in two months that you took a runner on us, Trev.” “My name is Trevor.” I hated the shortened form. “I know, love. I’m still a little pissed off at you. I’m working on it.” She reached out and brushed my hair back from my face again. This is why I kept it short. The slight curl just begged for someone to run their hands through it. Hers was a touch of familiarity but nothing more than that. The fond memories of the wanton goddess of the black sands were tainted and had turned to ash in my mouth. She was nothing more than my Ex –if she wasn’t lying again. “You were laying there at death’s door. Erik literally dragged you back from the abyss. Two months later, you get out of bed and walk out into the night. By the time we found you, I couldn’t believe what you had built for your identity.” “Trev, you stole Erik’s life once, and then you went and did it again. You appropriated what he was before you got a hold of him. College student. Bank Teller. Frustrated Writer. I personally think it was an attempt at atonement for what you did to him.” “What I did to him? What I DID!” “You don’t have the right to get upset, Trev.” “Aside from you suddenly showing up in Tahiti I have never seen you before in my life. How the hell do I know if you are telling the truth or lying through your lovely capped teeth?” “Ignorance is bliss, eh? We tried that little scenario and you ran off. I’m sure you don’t want to hear this but you’re a sexual predator, Trevor. You set your sights on Erik and you ran him to ground. You gave him no options. What he’s doing now, is what you did to him. You took a naive young man, marooned him here and basically tortured him into your vision of what he is now.’ ‘If I had known what you were doing I would have tried to rescue him. I know you think I’m nothing more than a bitch but I do take my Doctor’s degree seriously. Erik couldn’t stand up to you 64

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when you first took him. What you did to him is unforgiveable. You broke him. You ruined him for life away from you then you went and died on him. He went off the deep end, Trevor. Erik went off the deep end and he’s never come back – because you’ve never come back to him.” She stood up and looked down at me. Her face was dark with emotion and her eyes flared with...something. “You stole his life once, Trevor. Even injured, you took over the life he had before you took him and made it your own. You left him nothing but what you made of him before you walked away that night.” “I don’t remember any of this. This scar on my head could have been just something from childhood. For all I know this is nothing but another way to try and get me to cooperate with that blonde psycho sadist.” “That’s something that has always been consistent with you, Trev. You always were a stone cold bastard. You took an innocent and twisted him unto your own image. You’ve made a monster...and now that you’re a normal person, which you never were before -- you are horrified by him. You fucked him up. You fix him.” “I don’t believe a thing you’re saying.” “Hard work isn’t something you shied away from. Everything here, you achieved through the sweat of your brow.” I was grasping at straws, “If we were lovers, this is just spite.” Olga turned and looked at me with disgust. “Pettiness is not an emotion I give into. We were as one in this regard, love. If something or someone got in our way, we ran over it. I lost to Erik. I did everything I could to hold onto you and all he had to do was smile and that was it. We are a matched set, Trev. Erik used to be your polar opposite. I used to thank God that Erik was spared when someone tried to run him down; that you took the blow to him meant to make you pay for your sins.” She turned back toward the darkened windows. “How to God, I wish it was him now. Seeing what he has become because of his love for you. You left a void in the world you lived in, Trevor Donahue, when you fell from grace. Someone had to fill it. The Devil fell into the abyss and was lost to the world but someone had to become the Devil’s Advocate. Erik became Azure in your name. Everything he has done in the past five years has been in your name. Will you even try to step back into your old life? Will you 65

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take over again and turn him back into just your disciple rather than your replacement? Will you make his life easier because right now he is living in a hell of your making? Doesn’t he even deserve for you to make the attempt for his loyalty to you for the last five years?” “Bbb...but I’m not gay, I can’t do what he wants.” I was grasping at straws and I knew it. “You fuck anything that walks, Trev. You can’t pick who you love. You corrupted an innocent. Somewhere, inside of you he’s got to mean something to you. Otherwise why did you pick the name Howell? Why a bank teller? You jumped in front of a racing car to save him once, Trev. And he kept you from falling completely into the abyss. It’s time that you saved him, you need to drag him back from the edge of Hell. The edge he teeters on because of you.” Olga didn’t look back at me. She stared out at the palm trees and manicured grass just beyond the dark glass of my room “I don’t know him...I don’t remember him. I don’t remember anything!” My voice was strained. “If you can’t save him, Trev. If you have any humanity at all in your soul, kill him. Don’t let him suffer any more. He wasn’t a bad kid, until you got a hold of him. If you can’t...ask me. I’ll do it.” I didn’t bother to try and mask the horror I felt. “You’re making this up. Nobody talks about killing someone like putting a dog down. You’re working with him...trying to confuse me.” “You were not called “the Devil” just for your charm, Trev.” Olga turned back towards the bed. “Victor, tv panel down. Play DVD 1213. Your world thinks you’re dead, Trevor. This DVD is a package of your greatest hits. Watch it. Learn from it then tell me that a twenty-two year old Erik Howell had a snowball’s chance in hell of getting away from you when you got your claws into him.” Horror. Antipathy. Cruelty. Loathing. Treachery. Detestable and Debauchery. These were things that wore my face. There were no recollections. No moment of hallelujah when all the floodgates of memory opened and my past was revealed. This was an expose. The only reason it was made was that “The Devil” was dead. This stranger with my visage walked the screens in five thousand dollar suits. Everything presented in the DVD was speculation and circumstantial evidence but it was told with that sly tone that just drove home that fact that it was more than likely more real than the 66

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public face of the Mensa candidate and the philanthropic computer genius. Then the other side of the mirror was revealed; the Extortionist; the Human trafficker; Drug Lord; War Lord and suspected terrorist. About forty-five minutes into the program, blonde hair began to appear off my left shoulder. He looked young. He looked frightened. He was dressed like a prostitute. The program continued but my eyes were drawn to that face. His clothes got better. He didn’t cringe in the background anymore. He moved from walking behind the Devil to standing at his side. Then there was a paparazzi moment of flashing cameras and jiggly video footage of a body being loaded into the back of an ambulance. The blonde haired man climbed in, tears running down his face. There was a wickedly close up zoom of watery blue green eyes. Erik. I sat stunned watching the program. People actually danced in the streets when it was announced that ‘The Devil’ was dead. Sometime during the running of the DVD, Antoine had returned with lunch. I wasn’t hungry and I left it untouched. When the flat plan screen finally faded to black I lay down and curled into myself. I didn’t remember. I couldn’t remember. I DIDN’T WANT TO REMEMBER. I wanted to stand up and scream that it wasn’t me. That it couldn’t be me, because I wasn’t capable of doing any of those things. I was raised by nuns. They taught me the ways to walk the path of the righteous. I was a good Catholic boy. I shouldn’t have been able to do anything of those horrid things. But...but...but I couldn’t debate it. I couldn’t deny it. How can you, when the face of ‘The Devil’ is your own?

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Lesson Five: Atonement

I

t is said that time cures all ills. I don’t know who the Hell said that but that was total bullshit. I’d had five years to cure my ills and instead all I had done was create my own little placebo to ease the suffering. I’d always prided myself on being a straight shooter. Now I was just like Angelina in that movie, I was bending bullets. Good or Bad. Benevolent or Evil. Saint or Sinner, What was I? I thought I was the first part, now it turns out I’m the latter. Never a good way to meet the day, or evening or whatever hell time it was right now. Slowly, I opened my eyes. It was just as I expected. My gaze swept across the expanse of snow white sheet to HIM. He was perched on a leather cafe stool looking out the window at the setting sun. It’s retreating rays had turned the ocean into tones of autumn fire – liquid reds and molten gold. He was silently still, intent on the view, not noticing that I was awake. I wanted to stay in my numbed state so I lay quiet watching the far distant horizon start to swallow the light. It was entrancing and visually poetic and a sobering lesson of life. In the end, no matter how bright you shine, the darkness always wins. The corners of my eyes were crusty as if I had been crying in my sleep. Again. Damn, I have never cried this much in my life. Not that I could remember anyway. Not that the black hole that swallowed up everything I had been, would release such memories to my re-assembled brain. Since waking up in my new reality I found that I associated myself with IKEA based on what Doctor Olga “Empress of deceit and deception”, had told me.

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Like the instructions to assemble a cheap desk…Insert damaged part A into mangled part B and turn the Allen key until the two parts lock. That works well in the beginning, but over time the desk will start to come apart...that was me, coming apart. I took a deep shaky breath. One thing I knew for sure, “The Devil” wouldn’t have been crying. You don’t get a nick name like “The Devil” for being a fucking crybaby. My chest felt heavy and my throat was tight. There was still a chance that it was all an elaborate hoax. I mean, come on, they burnt down a mental hospital to get me declared legally dead? What would it cost to get a fake expose news report filmed? The announcers were just actors, right? Give them enough money and they could report on anything and make it sound like real breaking news, right? He owned a freaking island for God sake! I sincerely doubted that a 45 minute DVD of fake news, just to fool me, would put a ripple in his bank account. They’re fucking with your head, Trevor. HE said he was going to remake you. HE didn’t say he was going to be making you into this guy, “The Devil.”. Maybe all he’s trying to do is make you into an obedient little fuck toy. Yah, that’s probably it but you’re more than that. Don’t let him push you down. Just because you were raised by nuns, doesn’t make you less a man, or a fucking sissyboy, a guy stupid enough to fall for His bullshit. I felt really weak, I had to force my hand up to rub at the corners of my eyes, to erase the evidence of my tears. I didn’t want that bastard to see the marks of my weakness. I watched as He grimaced and held up an epi pen, the kind that dials up cc’s for insulin. I recognized what it was because a guy I knew at the bank had to do that, get the dosage he wanted then plunge it into his stomach. I’d walked in on him once in the employee lounge preparing a dose, he asked me not to tell anyone else because they would start treating him differently. I kept it to myself. When the plunger was finally fully depressed, HE actually sighed with relief and pulled the needle out. I was surprised when I found myself asking, “What’s wrong with you?” He flicked his eyes over the bed to me. “Oh, let me count the ways, Trevor.” He dropped the narrow cap over the needle, unscrewed it from the pen and dropped into a 69

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bright yellow biohazard bottle. He lifted the pen up, “This is Arrogance.” “You’re diabetic?” I brushed a knuckle across the other side of my face. He pulled his shirt down, stood up and set the pen back into a small discreet refrigerator under the counter top. He shook his head. The golden strands of his hair shimmered in the lingering red light of dusk. “I have a slow metabolism, or I guess the correct term is had. It didn’t matter how much I worked out or how little I ate, I couldn’t lose weight.” He glided over the distance from the chair to the bed and settled his ass on my bed. Even if I wanted nothing to do with him I couldn’t help but notice that he walked with an innate grace that so many people coveted and copied but never truly achieved. It wasn’t a stalk but it was akin to a big cat’s sinuous graceful padding. Casually he picked up my hand before I could draw it away. My arm tensed as my hand clenched into a fist. “Give me your hand, Trevor. I won’t hurt you.” He guided my arm up to his chest and set my knuckles against his heart. He held my wrist there until I unfurled my palm and pressed it flat against his shirt. I thought he was abnormally warm it was almost as if he had a constant fever. I could feel his ribs expand under my touch with each breath. I glanced up to his blue-green eyes. He was watching me, gauging my response to his closeness. “This was done to me without my consent.” He raised my hand to his lips but didn’t kiss it. Those so kissable lips hovered over my knuckles for a moment then he moved my hand back down towards his chest. “I asked Olga not to tell you but...she is as she does, don’t trust her with any of your secrets if she can use them to her benefit she will.” “I am NOT the Devil, not your devil.” If I had any spine, I would have spat those words out, as it was it was barely a whisper. I pulled my hand back. I expected him to grab my wrist back but he let me go. “Of course you’re not.” He let out a deep sigh. I didn’t expect that. I thought I would have a fight on my hands to get him to admit it. Erik absently rubbed the spot on his abdomen where he had injected himself. “As Olga told you, I belong to the Devil. He has made what you see now. It’s been five years since he disappeared 70

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and he hasn’t returned or contacted anyone. After all I have done in HIS name, MY Devil has not re-surfaced. I have to face the fact that he is gone. He is truly gone and…” His voice broke off and he swallowed hard. He blinked a couple of times and wiped at his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. Another heavy sigh breeched the silence. He turned slightly, reached out his long fingers and ran strands of my red hair through his hand murmuring to himself, “Beautiful.” I prided myself on not flinching. Yeah for me! “I loved him. I love him. He was the only one who looked at me and saw me. Do you realize how precious that is? How rare? How devastating when it’s ripped away?” I could tell this was hard for him to say, but I really didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to feel any sympathy for this raping bastard. I didn’t want to hear his motivations. Cause…because my unknown past made him what he is today and it scared me that once perhaps, I had that kind of power over someone, over him. He turned his forearms over and held up both wrists, I expected to see several nasty scars on each wrist but there was nothing. “I thought he was gone and I wanted to join him. Olga and Antoine prevented me. This drug wouldn’t even leave me with the marks of my desperation.’ ‘When He took me out of the hospital, kidnapped me actually just as I have done to you, I was timid as a rabbit and in terrible physical shape. I was just so tired of everything. Twenty one years old and I was already to give up. He wouldn’t let me. At first it was just Him and Antoine. Together they tried to help me become the man he wanted me to be. What he knew I could be. They tried all sorts of things to make me over. Diet, exercise, medication and mental health specialists but I could only go so far. He was very disappointed until he finally discovered the solution. Arrogance. That’s when Dr. Olga came into the picture. Now, I’ve lost HIM but Olga and Antoine look out for me, even now that I am what I am. Even when I thought life was not worth continuing they watched out for me and sometimes I would wish they were less vigilant but now that I have you I am so glad that they kept me from succeeding. Though I would have liked to still have the scars, as testimony of my devotion.’ 71

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‘As I said earlier, unfortunately the Arrogance prevented that. You will have to take my word for it and I find it amusing that I was able to kidnap you just as you did to me, funny, its sort of like Master, like Pet.” “I kidnapped you?” Disbelief filled my tone. Erik tilted his head and looked down at me. “You saw the DVD and you don’t believe it?” “How can you even think that I could be that man?” I sat up and bit back a cringe of pain. “I’m not a Mensa candidate much less a Drug Lord, or…or any of those other horrible things. I’m not a bad person. I was raised by the nuns. I’m not evil.” Those blue green eyes looked at me sadly for a few seconds then he slid off the bed and stood. “Come, my pet. Let’s get up and get dressed. We will dine on the lanai. You have not been eating regularly and it shows. I didn’t mind the extra weight you used to have but I know that HE would never allow you to be as thin as you have become. He wasn’t a fashion plate but he was classic and stylish and kept his body trim and fit, I know that he would want you to be that way again. You are too thin and you look like you are not getting enough sleep. You get dark circles under your eyes when you are tired.” He reached out and finger tips brushed my cheek. He had flipped from hesitant confessor back to Master of the Domain so quickly it set me on edge. I couldn’t help it. I flinched and turned my head to get away from his touch. I saw his fingers clench tight millimeters from my cheek but he straightened and turned away. “Get dressed, Trevor. Antoine will escort you I have a few things to tend to before dinner, I will meet you on the lanai. Antoine has been instructed to cane you for any infraction. I’m sure you know how upset he gets when he has to do that. Also, I like having your beautiful skin unmarred so behave, Love” My insides tensed tighter than a drum head. “You claim to love me yet you keep me prisoner and force me into unwanted sex, how the Hell is that love?” Erik looked over his shoulder at me. His azure eyes softened for a moment and it was like I was drawn into a warm inviting pool then a storm rolled in and the softness was gone. Snap. Just like that. 72

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“I do love you my pet. I love you so much that I rescued you from the tedious, unrewarding life you were building for yourself. I destroyed your identity so you cannot return to that life. HE never let me lie to myself. I won’t allow you to lie to yourself. I promise, even if you do get away from this island, I will find you and I will destroy whatever life you have attempted to make because life without me would be nothing but a lie.” “That isn’t love. It’s possession.” Maybe my indignation would have been more effective if I wasn’t clutching the light sheet and blanket up to my chest like a young virgin on the front cover of a romance novel. “I cherish you, Trevor. I hold you in high regard and I will give you the best of everything when you obey me. You know, I had given up, my pet. Finally I admitted to myself that my love, My Devil was gone forever, lost somewhere in the world or dead in some unmarked grave. I think I would have known if you were dead but I even began to doubt that. Though after awhile I came to think that in reality, He died on the street in my arms even though I tried so hard to keep him alive and with me.” Erik turned and looked out the window. His shoulders which had been a little slumped before were now a straight line of determination. It was like watching a knight donning amour. His eyes were lively as they absentmindedly searched for something on the ocean horizon that wasn’t there. Still, no matter what he searched for with such warm hope, I had seen the way those bluegreens had changed so quickly. From warm azure to a chilled glare so cool, no, so cold. Frosty. Cold enough to freeze the ocean solid in mid roll of a wave. I didn’t stand a chance against someone like him. At this moment, I realized that if I roused him to the uncontrollable anger he was capable of he could kill me. He had the capability. The softer side of him would regret it. Maybe in his own twisted fucked up way of thinking, he might even mourn my loss; but now I knew down to my core that this stunning blonde man who could have been a GQ model was an extremely dangerous man. He kept talking. His voice was even and calm. He wasn’t really here in the room with me. Whatever he was seeing wasn’t out there in the tropical paradise I was trapped in. “You were so still for so long. You have never been still, even in your sleep you vibrate with controlled energy. I remember how 73

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you lay there. So still, sleeping it seemed, even though they said it was a coma. They had shaved all your beautiful hair off and they had your head wrapped in white bandages. Pure white bandages. I kept thinking that when they cut off your hair, they put out your spark. God, I was so young back then.’ ‘Olga brought in medical experts from around the world. Every single one of them said that you would never wake up. The damage was severe and you had been clinically dead for more than six minutes. They actually told me that you should be taken off life support and the only benefit you could make to the world was to be an organ donor.’ ‘How could I let you go? You had a heart beat. You had brain activity. You had money to keep those machines running for decades if it came down to that. I would have spent your fortune down to your last penny to keep you alive. For them to tell me to kill you, I fired them, every one of those idiots. Then you woke up. I can’t tell you how happy I was and I wanted to have those incompetent bastards killed for what they suggested I do to you but Olga finally convinced me not too. I think she garnered a life time of favors from each of those idiots when she convinced me not to send out hit squads. So she owes me, just as they owe her.” Erik turned and leaned his shoulders against the window. Those damned azure eyes focused on me, “I was there when you opened your eyes but you didn’t know me. You didn’t know any of us and you were scared. That was the first time I ever saw you anything other that the master of your own destiny. You opened your eyes, looked at me and cried like a lost child. You broke my heart that day. I knew at that moment that the tables had turned. It was my turn to be Hell incarnate and to protect you.” His gaze dropped to the floor. “I failed you then. I was weak. I was so used to be the one being taken care of that it took me a while to figure out how to reverse our roles. I didn’t learn fast enough. I still didn’t have my act together when...” His voice broke off and the room filled with uncomfortable silence. It was the sort of silence that you begged for anything, a cough, a whirl of a fan, absolutely anything to break it. I would settle the squeak of orderlies shoes on the tile. Erik took another breath then raised his eyes back to me “I came to visit and your bed was empty. Without warning you woke up one morning, ripped out the IV and other monitoring 74

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equipment and escaped from the hospital. You were naked. You had no money. You could barely talk. You could only stagger when you tried to walk yet you vanished like fog before the wind. We couldn’t find you. All your men, all your millions used to hunt for you, useless. There was no hint of where you were. It was the only thing that kept me from going mad, that even in the condition you were in you could function well enough to avoid being found even by me.’ ‘I was sick with worry that one of your enemies might find you first but none of those Bastards ever claimed that they did find you, it gave me continued hope. After those first months of searching I finally came back here to run things and to hope that you might turn up here. It…It was one of our favorite places and I hoped that perhaps you might return to the place where we shared such…well I hoped you would come back.” “Five years!” You were off of everyone’s radar for five years when VICTOR finally managed a hit and traced your whereabouts. I was going to send you back to the hospital when I noticed that the new life you were so determined to build was my old one. Somehow you remembered enough of your old life that you could use the information to disappear. From that, at first I was sure that something of the old you, my Devil was still inside you Trevor.” Erik moved quickly and I found myself yanked out of bed, an arm cinched around my body anchoring me tight to his chest, it kept me from falling to the floor. He lowered his face slightly down to mine. I leaned back despite the pain, shoved my elbows up into his chest and tried to push him away. The pressure of his arms tightened on my back. A whimper made its way from between my clinched lips. His lips whispered into my ear. “You were living the life I used to have. My pet, you even took my surname. The news of that made me so happy too, that subconsciously you used me as your shield.” The change from prone to upright was agony, I couldn’t help but moan in pain. While Olga, the bitch, might have said nothing was wrong with me, it still pained me more than anything I could remember. I couldn’t even get my legs under me to support my weight. Erik finally realized that I was too weak to do anything other than push my forearms futilely against his chest to make him release me He gently turned me around to face away from him, bent to quickly catch the back of my knees and lifted me up in his arms. 75

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That change in position hurt bad enough to make me moan louder and question Dr Olga’s diagnostic skills, a bitch and a medical quack rolled into one sexy package, what more could I have asked for? Erik turned back to the bed murmuring he was sorry and leaned over, gently laying me down on the mattress again as if I weighed nothing more than a feather. He caught my neck with his hand and gently, but persistently urged me up for a kiss. His lips settled over mine and he gave me a surprisingly chaste one. Up close, I could see there were gold flecks in the outer rim of his blue iris. He pressed his forehead up against mine. His voice was soft. “I meant to leave you to your new life, my pet. To have come so far on your own with so little of yourself intact was a miracle. I couldn’t undermine that. All I was going to do was be your Guardian Angel, to make sure you were safe and happy.” “Then why did you stick a gun in my face, why did you kidnap me, why did you bring me here?” “Because of a chance meeting you had with someone who noticed that you looked very much like The Devil and decided to sell that information even if you were nothing more than an unlucky bastard with the misfortune to have a face worth a lot of money to a lot of people.” He straightened, folded his arms across his chest and regarded me with an arrogant expression. Well at least I hoped it was an arrogant expression. I really couldn’t get a solid read on him. “A man who dealt in precious information happened to notice you at a bank function. He saw the resemblance and decided to sell that information to the highest bidder. Thank God he came to me if not first, then early enough that I could prevent disaster for you, when he pointed out how uncanny the resemblance was of a certain red haired bank teller at the Grand National to Trevor Donahue, I knew he had to be eliminated. Greedy Bastard, before he died, I found out that he had already sold the information that “The Devil” was still alive. Not the exact location, that was meant for a larger payout by multiple buyers I’m sure. If I did nothing, you would one day be in the hands of ‘The Devil’s’ enemies. The word that The Devil was alive would spread to all his enemies and you would never be safe as Trevor the innocent bank clerk” 76

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Wait! Wait, wait, wait a minute, my confused brain focused on what Erik just said. “Before he died?” Erik matched my gaze solidly. “My Devil left big shoes to fill.” “You killed him?” “What do you care, my pet? He is nothing to you. You cannot even remember his face. I remember you calling him a slimy weasel that would sell his grandmother’s last kidney if he thought he could get a good price for it. As you said it to his face in a large party setting, it didn’t leave you on his good list.” “Thou shall not kill.” That felt strange coming from my mouth but the conviction behind it was strong. Erik blinked then let out a broken laugh. “That is priceless coming from you.” “What does that mean?” Not really sure I wanted to know. “It means you were a very good sensei and I worked very hard to be your number one pupil. Enough of this. You might not see it now, maybe you won’t ever acknowledge it. You could be a self centered bastard when the mood hit you and if there is anything left of my Devil in you it would probably be that. But, I saved you, Trevor. I came to your rescue when you needed it most. They know you’re still alive. They don’t care that you’re different now. You created enemies who won’t rest until you are in your grave and put here in a very painful, piece by piece way. You still wear the face of the Devil even if you have a soul now.” “No.” I wasn’t sure what I was saying no to. “I’ve saved you twice now, my pet. Do you honestly think I’d let anyone get to you now? You might not remember everything about me but you took my last name as yours. As far as I’m concerned we are married.” What? What was that? “Mmm..mmarried?” “Trevor Howell. Erik Howell. I’m done trying to resurrect My Devil. I will make you love me as you are.” I just stared at him unable to grasp what the hell he had just dropped on me. I think the horror of it was on my face. His expression just shut down and his eyes got cool. “Get dressed. You have fifteen minutes.” He started back to the door then pivoted on his heel. He caught me by the back of the hair and whispered in my ear. Twisting his fist, he turned my head towards him and then pressed a kiss against my lips. With the sudden violence that he had just turned on me, I was shocked and surprised that the kiss was so 77

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chaste again. He dropped me gently back to the mattress then disappeared out the door. He was a fucking nutcase. I touched my lips. They were tingling from his kiss. Okay...okay, get a grip here, Trevor. You’ve just been totally Reaction Joe here and that just leads to pain and injury. You can’t hope to escape if you’re all fucked up. Play it smart and play nice. Get HIM to drop his guard, or maybe I can get him to let me go. If I can convince him that I’m all pet like, when we can get back to the mainland, where ever the hell that is and I bolt from there I can worry later about my head being sent to some fucking unknown enemy on a platter Special Delivery by someone who doesn’t know that I’m NOT the Devil anymore. I moved to slide off the bed and agony ripped up my spine. My lower back muscles were screaming in protest. Even if I was bisexual...which I am NOT, I couldn’t have him keep doing this injury to me. Crap...I couldn’t get off the bed. I reached out and touched the headboard to get some leverage. The metal cuff touched the metal of the bed. I panicked and wrenched my arm back. It didn’t magnetize. I pressed the cuff against the headboard again. It just clanged metal on metal. I brought my wrists up and touched them together. Nothing. How the hell did he get them working? “Master Erik has asked me to assist you prepare for dinner.” I looked up and saw Antoine standing there with a white linen bundle in his hands. “Do you require assistance?” It was on my tongue to tell him to get the fuck away from me. There was a long thin rod hanging by a snap from his belt. The rod dangled about mid calf from his waist. I bit back my anger. It would play to my advantage to play weaker than I was. Again, I hoped this would lull my captors into a false sense of security. I was scrabbling for any sort of handhold here. Insanity and millions of dollars against bare hands, crazy plan, no money and a fucked three-waysto-Sunday ass was never a good combination or odds for the crazy guy with the overused as-in-well-fucked ass. Then again, who was I referring to when I was talking about crazy? Erik who had proven himself to be a whack job or me, who was being told by everyone that I was a whack job. The problem was I wasn’t sure about either one of us, Wacko or Not a Wacko, the pendulum swung back and forth. Maybe I should roll the dice and let that one throw decide and if it was not in my favor make it two out of three or three out 78

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of five, fuck who was crazy here, me or me? One way or another, I had to get the hell out of here, or at least start on my pathetic plan to lull them by playing good dog. “I can’t stand up.” I let my voice come out a little cowed and I angled my head forward to stare down at the cool tiles of the bedroom floor. I felt him move up closer. I couldn’t play completely broken yet. I tensed and brought my arms up to ward him off. The pain that flickered on my face wasn’t fake I wasn’t that good an actor. “Sir.” Antoine was a lovely mocha brown color for a mountain. He was massive but this time when he reached for me, his touch was gentle, as if he were picking up a kitten. He eased me toward the side of the mattress and carefully twisted my torso so I could swing my legs over without putting pressure on my injuries. Injuries. My asshole was a burning pulsing mass of sparks. His fingers quickly unbuttoned my PJ top and slipped it off. He slipped a white silk collarless, sleeveless shirt on me. Carefully he pulled my PJ bottoms off. I didn’t have to fake the agony in my body. I hissed when he eased me back fully on the bed and he knelt so he could get the legs over my ankles. Plain tidy whities were dragged up my legs but left at my knees until Antoine pulled white linen trousers on me. They both clung to my knees. I pulled the front of the shirt down in modesty. Antoine saw the gesture but never said anything. “Lean on me, Sir.” He took my weight so damned easily, drawing me upright at the same time pulling my pants up. I never wore so much white in my life...or that I could remember. God, was I really the bride on this island full of nut jobs? My legs trembled with the effort of standing. That wasn’t faking it either. I was going to fall on my face if I was lucky, or my ass if I wasn’t. The way my luck was going, I was going down on my ass. Antoine hugged me tight to him. “Jean...bring in the chair.” It was very disturbing to have this hulk of a man holding me so tight. I tried to free my arm and he just squeezed tight until I quit moving. Oh, God. “I prefer not to discipline you even more, Mr. Trevor but I will if you cause problems.” “Can’t breathe.” I gasped only half in a fake gasp. He loosened his grasp and I made a mental note to remember that slick move. Jean pushed a wheelchair into the room. He was just as massive as Antoine. Where the hell did HE get these guys? 79

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“I can walk now.” “Sir, your legs are threatening to collapse, falling now would only aggravate your injury.” It was a delicate way of saying that if I insisted on trying to walk I was going to fall and break my already broken ass. Antoine maneuvered me around to Jean who brought the chair up behind me. He set the brake and the helped Antoine lower me into it. Sitting up didn’t ease the ache in my lower regions. It didn’t aggravate either so I should be thankful for small mercies. However, my back was still bruised from getting caned the day before and Antoine’s bear hug just showed me how bruised I was. I was a mess, next time I would ask for a damn pillow or maybe Erik would get me one of those hole-for-your-ass foam pillows. God I really didn’t want to ask, but if things were to continue the way they were going I was destined to be in permanent need of one. My stomach began to growl. Antoine set my bare feet up on the foot pads. His hand closed around my ankle for a moment then he crossed the room and pulled out a light woven jade green blanket. He draped the blanket across my legs then grabbed the front of the chair and dragged it forward with the brake still locked on. I looked up at him startled. He had golden eyes like a jungle cat. “I am glad that you are back, Mr. Trevor. Master Erik has not been the same since you left. I beg you to please listen to him. I do not wish to injure you further.” “But you will.” My voice was tight and hard. “As will Jean and François. We owe our allegiance to the Devil.” “And I’m not the Devil.” Antoine shook his head. “No, you are not the Devil. Just looking into your eyes tells everyone that the Devil is gone from you.” “Everyone but Erik.” Antoine and Jean matched gazes. “Master Erik believes what he needs to believe. He is lost without his Master. He functions and continues on but he truly stopped living when you were hit by that car. Before that happened...well, he was always a gentle sort.” Gentle? He’s raped me every time he’s seen me. “Even though God has answered the prayers of many and struck down the Devil, you are not absolved.” Jean spoke up, his voice carefully moderated. 80

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“Jean...” There was a note of warning in Antoine’s voice “I am only stating what everyone else believes.” “Which is what?” I didn’t even attempt to try and twist to see Jean clearly. Sitting ramrod straight was about the only thing that didn’t hurt. “The Devil is gone, but his sins remain. The worst of which is waiting outside to have dinner with you.” “Enough, Jean.” Antoine straightened and glared at the slightly smaller foothill of a man. “What do you mean?” I frowned. “He means nothing. Come, Master Erik is waiting.” Jean stayed behind to clean the room and Antoine wheeled me out into a brightly decorated hall. The painting was strangely whimsical as if you were underwater. I fully expected to go into a panic with even a hint of being underwater but I got nothing but a sense of peace. “Will you answer questions?” I could feel every mortar spacing in the tile floor through the wheels of the chair. It sent hard shockwaves up my body. “Questions have not been forbidden.” What an odd thing to say. “I saw Erik injecting himself.” “You should ask him.” Antoine spoke over top of me without glancing down. “I did, he said it was Arrogance.” My fingers worried the edge of the blanket. There was silence as we rolled along. I guess he was going to answer anything but this until his voice finally broke the silence. “I was here when you first brought Erik to the Island. He was so young and not just in physical years. No matter how hard you made him workout, he could not lose enough weight to satisfy you -especially through the face. Baby fat clung to him. You had many laboratories working for you, so you had them concoct a serum to speed up Erik’s metabolism. You turned Erik into your lab rat. His normal body temperature now is 102. Doctor’s don’t know why his body has gotten so hot. He has to keep hydrated constantly and he must eat a minimum of six times a day – full meals. He also has to inject himself once a day with that serum.” “Why doesn’t he just stop?” “I do believe that Dr. Kenovich said that his body is now chemically dependent on that serum. When you finally had his body sculpted to what you wanted it to be, you took the serum 81

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from him. He went into cardiac arrest. If you had done it here on the island, Master Erik would have died. He was in intensive care for a month while the doctors fought to stabilize him.” I winced as the wheelchair bounced over the threshold from the coolness of the house to the warmth of the open air patio. I was definitely going to need that pillow. Antoine leaned over and whispered into my ear. “Look at what the Devil has made.” Erik was sitting on a low wall, one leg resting on it up to mid thigh with the rest of it hanging down. The other leg was spread out balancing him. The fading sun turned him golden. His eyes were closed and his face was turned to the light. He was a beautiful man. The tropical breeze ruffled his hair and blew it around in disarray. He was still as a statute. A younger face came to my mind’s eye, superimposed over this image. He turned towards me, the azure blue eyes glowed with an inner light as he jumped off the wall and walked towards me. Once again, he spoke to me but it was nothing but white noise. The image changed to a sallow cheeked, pale almost grey toned skin, shell of a young man. The green light of the heart monitor pulsed too fast. He lay like the dead. Still. I had put him there. Grief or guilt rose in me. Then those brilliant eyes too close to death opened and captured me in their gaze. He was happy to see me. Lying on his death bed, where I had put him because he wasn’t thin enough to please the bastard I was, oh God! he was happy to see me. I blinked tears out of my eyes to erase the vision. Those flashes...those little bits of drama that had haunted me for weeks were not dark, imagined, perverted fantasies. We had done them. I had done them. So Jean was right. The Devil was dead but the sins remained. Sins must be paid for by someone. I guess I was elected maybe even if I could escape from here. I drew in a shaky breath. Erik heard it and turned toward me. His blue green eyes turned and caught me in his gaze. Those Azure eyes smiled at me. Oh God...I began sobbing. Maybe I could lie to myself about the rest of the stuff the Devil was said to have done...but my sin rushed to me and knelt before the chair. His too warm flesh of his hands cupped mine together. I wasn’t hysterical but I also couldn’t stop crying. When Erik had held me tight to him earlier in my room and whispered into my ear, it was as if something corrosive but slow 82

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moving had been poured into my ear. “I lied I haven’t given up. The Devil is inside of you, my pet. He maybe sleeping right now, but I know who you really are.” When he whispered that into my ear I didn’t believe him but now I did. It was as if the acid he whispered in my ear had slowly made it’s way to my chest. It burned and made my heart ache. I really was a lousy Bastard, an evil, selfish Monster. I don’t know if I was crying for what I had done to Azure or to myself. Finally someone took pity on me and gave me a shot in the neck, something that calmed me down. Through my tears I could see that Erik was holding my face, staring at me with so much concern. Considering I had just accepted I had been evil incarnate on earth, I thought I handled it well. I started up at him through my tears. His touch was so tender and gentle. He confused me. He was like lightening. The intensity. The delicate beauty and sudden violence. The sheer force of it. Of him. He was talking to me but I couldn’t hear anything but the sound of my own heartbeat. I couldn’t hear him; but I saw him. Once again...the last thing I saw was azure eyes promising things would get better. An innocent angel torn from the skies was offering comfort to the Devil. My Azure. My beautiful, gentle Azure. In my former life, I had trained him well. For atonement, to pay for my sins I deserved the hell he was going to give me.

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Lesson Six: Payback, Why is it Always a Bitch?

A

wareness slowly seeped into me. I felt the warm breeze that wafted into the room...of my villa...on my private island. A long, self-generating heat furnace was pressed against my side anchored there with a heavy weight on my chest. I didn’t have to open my eyes to know who was lying in bed with me. The heat alone gave that away. My eyelids opened a slit to spy golden blonde hair in a long, soft tangle on my chest. My sin and my arrogance. My fucking husband was using me like a pillow. I went to turn my head and bit back a gasp of pain. Where the needle had gone in was swollen and tender. I leaned back against the pillows and stared up at the gauze canopy floating above us. I don’t know what is worse, admitting that all the dark and confusingly happy little fantasies that have been flitting through my mind these past eighteen months were real or that “I” was the delusion. Then again... I took a deep cleansing breath. Don’t lie to yourself, Trev. You lied to the shrinks when you said you were sleeping fine. You lied about the nightmares and the sometimes uncomfortably arousing affect they have on you. Watching that his unguarded face as he won thousands of dollars worth of chips on roulette. The way that same man would feel leaning back in mys arms as the car engine ticked in harmony with the crickets. The absolute contentment of having blond hair rest 84

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back on my shoulder and against the side of my head as the bright red cast moon rose over the horizon. Of course there were those erotic moments. The top of that golden head pressed against my stomach as his mouth took me in deep. The way azure eyes would glow as he reclined back into the pillows all warm and willing and wanting. Of course seeing someone like that would give anyone a hard on, straight or gay. He’s just that beautiful. I reached up and covered my eyes with my hand. Physical reactions didn’t disturb me as much as the emotional draw. My insides actually quivered when little snapshots of candid moments flashed in my mind’s eye. The way his brow would furrow as he stared down at the chessboard. The cock of his head as he read a novel all curled up in his favorite wing back chair. The quick prick of pain as he jammed that needle into his stomach and pushed on the plunger. It wasn’t fear. As far as I had known, this was just fantasy man I had pulled up. To find him, to actually come face to face with the man of my dreams, no, of my nightmares was...I, I don’t know what this was but it wasn’t fear. I began berating myself. You saw that fucking DVD, that damn, wish-it-was-a-lie-but-you-know-it-really-wasn’t DVD. Those reporters basically said you killed everyone who ever stood in your way and you know…you know they weren’t actors telling lies to confuse you. You really are or rather, were a fucking freak and a monster. I raised my right hand. The heaviness of the cuff slid down my skin until it rested on the bulk of my forearm. I curled my hand into a mock pistol, just like a kid on the playground, finger pointed at an imaginary bad guy, I pulled the trigger…pow! Nothing. There was nothing there tingling around my brain about holding a gun, much less using one. Much less killing someone but I knew I didn’t need a gun to destroy my enemies, did I? So why should that unfamiliar motion of pretend death dealing bother me or convince me that it was all a lie? I was pretty sure that my way of dealing death was with words not weapons because words could be the most destructive way to destroy someone, to cut them in to little pieces, to blow them away, to make them disappear without a trace if I wished, right Trevor? Someone else would take my words and do the actual deed but it was at my spoken order that it was done, no one else’s. Death Dealer, Angel 85

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of Death, The Devil Incarnate, I was all of those and more I’m sure, if I could think of more titles. A voice whispered in my ear. “I need you, my pet.” I froze. Erik’s voice was low and sleepy but the rolling of his warm frame onto me belied that sleepy tone. Erik was wide awake, up and ready to go if the hard length pressing into me was any indication. His eyes were mere slits and lazy as he ground his hips against me. His hardness rubbed into my groin. My body reacted and not in a pleasant way. I flinched in remembrance of screaming agony. I wasn’t healed from that rape, not mentally or physically. No matter what the hell they shot into my system, I might not be feeling everything I should be but it still hurt enough to know that Erik’s version of need was more than I could handle. But... But… I , I didn’t even move an eyelash. But this is what I had done to him. I had taken what I wanted without regard or concern for his well being, as he wanted to take me now. I poisoned him with Arrogance for Christ’s sake a physical hold on him from beyond the grave of lost memories. Erik Howell was entitled to his pound of flesh. His mile of road, eight painful inches at a time. “I need you, my pet.” Erik’s voice was a little clearer and held a hint of disappointment when I didn’t respond. It sounded like a rehearsed line, like something from Church. The priest said something, the congregation said something back. All ritual and worship. I didn’t know what he wanted. Well I knew WHAT he wanted but I didn’t know the magic words to satisfy his craving, not that it seemed to matter at the moment. He was dry humping me into the mattress. You would have to be dead to not realize what he wanted. I didn’t react the way he expected. He was waiting for me to do something. I was supposed to do something or say something. But what? My thinking was fuzzy. One too many hits with the traq dart. Eric dropped his full weight down on me, pinning me under him. His chin was propped on my chest and his azure eyes watched my face as my thoughts raced. We stared at each other for seconds, minutes, decades before he finally blinked and began speaking. “You look so much like him...but you’re not. He would never show anything like that on his face. I can see your wheels are spinning up there.” He brushed his finger tips over my forehead and down my nose before giving it a little tap of conformation. 86

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He took my wrist into his hand and pressed it up to the headboard. He didn’t slam it. He didn’t force it back, he guided it in the right direction, expecting resistance where there was none. I could feel the tension in his arm as the cuff connected to the metal headboard. He blinked down at me, surprise in his glance. He had expected me to fight him. I might not be Mensa material any more, if ever I was, but it didn’t take repeated trips to the infirmary to learn something important. Fighting only got me injured. I couldn’t take any more injuries, I would never be able to run if the opportunity arose if I was fucked over too hard. Erik took my other wrist and pushed high over my head as well. My arms were locked above my head about four feet apart. I was helpless yet again. I was trying to be calm. This was going to happen. If I resisted, it would still happen and it wouldn’t be pretty. If I could relax this shouldn’t hurt too much. It should be over soon. I flinched as Erik’s fingers traced my lips. His gaze shifted up to my hair and he began to run his fingers through my scalp. I winced as he found my scar. He stroked it slightly following the Frankenstein seam from my from the damaged part hidden in my hair, down the side of my head until it ended just behind the lowest part of my ear Relax. Just...breathe. “You are being very quiet, Trevor. That isn’t like you.” He reared back, moved a leg over me and sat up on my hips, pressing his weight down heavily, pinning my lower body to the mattress. The strain of his added weight pulled on the cuffs. The muscles in my shoulders and arms were tight and sore from my struggle yesterday’s to get free. The added pressure made them ache more deeply. I watched sick with dread but also feeling a sense of wrong fascination as Erik arched his head back then pressed the rest of his naked torso onto my unwilling body. He was a beautiful man. He could be a model. He was that perfect. He..stop it....just stop it. Don’t fall for this act of seduction. Erik threw his head back farther, arching his chest forward, bringing attention to those light butter toffee nubbins, tightened and taut peaks of suckable…no! I wasn’t going to go there if I could help it. I got hard watching his little exhibition play, I couldn’t control myself even though the response was a lie, wasn’t it?

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“Do you need me, my pet, my Treasure?” He whispered the question as he bucked his hips back feeling my swelling length beneath him and taking it for encouragement. “My darling Trevor?” “Just do what you’re going to do and get it over with damn you.” I hissed back at him. I couldn’t pretend that much, I hated what was going to happen no matter how much my traitorous body might be responding differently. Erik leaned forward and shifted his weight until his groin was pressed hard down on mine. We were stomach to stomach, hip to hip as he leaned forward setting his elbows on the mattress just above my shoulders. “I will do what I want to do in my own good time, my pet. You’re acting like a spoiled child and that will not get you a reward any quicker, in fact, it will get you punished quite severely.” My breath froze in my chest as he suddenly lurched forward resting all his weight on his elbows. They dug into my collar bones. Pain blossomed, then just as lightening quick, the pressure was removed. Only the pain still lingered, I tried not to show it. “You are in pain, Treasure. You do not mask it well. Why do you attempt to defy me when you know that you cannot win?” Warm lips pressed against my temple. “I will not let you win. I cannot let you win. Do you need me, my pet?” He asked the question again and I still could not answer him. What the fuck did he want from me? Erik pressed his hand between us and began to stroke me through my pajama bottoms. “Does this...” He squeezed me with just the right amount of pressure. I gasped and sucked in a lungful of air. “need me, Trevor?” “Let go.” His grip was suddenly too tight. “Let’s not start off with lies.” Stroke. Squeeze. Rub. “Stop it...please...” I tried pushing my hips down into the mattress to escape him but it was a futile act. He knew this body. His touch lightened and the back of one hand trailed slowly up and down the underside of the vein running from tip to base of my cock, in a tender, teasing way. I clenched my teeth together to keep from moaning aloud. His breath tickled the soft fine hairs on the curl of my ear. “Stop it… please...” He mimicked me. “But that is not what you truly wish. Your body is more honest then your lying mouth. I shall ask it what it needs.” Warm moist kisses trailed down my throat. 88

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I turned my head but I didn’t know if it was to try and escape or to offer up more of my neck. A hot trail started from my jaw line, sweeping down my jugular to the hollow at the side of my throat. Erik brought his teeth to my skin and nipped me, it should have hurt but it bought a shiver to my body, I was lost in the sensation of his teeth softly nipping at my neck. The collar of my pajama top stopped his exploration. He sat up, took the front of my top in both hands and tore it apart. Buttons flew off and went ping on the tile. The sound of ripping fabric brought me back to the here and now. He was going to fuck me whether I wanted it or not. I didn’t want it, I thought for a brief moment that I did but I wasn’t as sure of that as I used to be. He flicked a finger nail over a budded nipple. Shock and something else resonated the entire length of my body. I gasped out loud. It was a sound of excitement as well as outrage. “So honest. So pure.” Erik sounded satisfied. He shifted his weight and slipped a little lower on me. I made a motion as if to knee him away from me. A hand gripped me hard. I winced in pain. “Do that and I will cuff your ankle to the headboard. Do you want that, pet?” I turned my head into my arm in silent denial. He yanked hard on my erection. “I asked you a question, Trevor. This will be the only time I will repeat myself. You bruise so badly, but I will cane you to get obedience. Do you want me to cuff your ankle to the headboard?” “No...” My voice was low and sort of whimpered. I cringed inwardly, hating that sound of giving in and I hated myself for whimpering until the next moment when I shrieked instead. I wish I could say it was something else, a yell and gasp or something else a little more befitting a man, but I fucking shrieked as he brought those lips down on my nipple and suckled it like it was a soft serve ice cream swirl then lapped at it when it was budded into it’s own little mountain. Then he bit me. Hard. His movements were angry and bordered just a hint above violence. He shifted his weight and ripped the pajama bottoms off me. My arms tensed against my restraints as he shoved my thighs wide and settled his hips between them. His skin burned mine as he slipped down lower. As his balls nestled against mine at the juncture of my crotch he tilted my hips for access to my ass and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. 89

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My attempt at stoicism was at the breaking point. I kept telling myself that if I just relaxed, gave in it wouldn’t be that bad. It would be over sooner and make it easier on me since keeping my responses silent was getting harder every second. “I need you, my precious Treasure.” My mind shut down as Erik forced his cock into my unprepared portal. OH God it hurt! What kind of fucked up games did the Devil and Erik play? Why did I have to pay for his sins? Oh Yah, because I was the Devil resurrected and the Devil liked to play these games with his apprentice, poor bastard! This was just too much. Distantly, as if standing at the end of a long tunnel, I heard a scream. My scream. It echoed in the darkness, sounding back on itself until it was one rending cry of agony. My head was thrown back as if I could allow my mind to flee the pain if only I could bend my body far enough away from the center of it all. After the rush of entry, Erik paused. It wasn’t long enough for the pain to leave but long enough for him to slowly stir himself in me like the mixing of a hard, fat wooden spoon in the puddle of pain that was me. Get it done and over with... get it out of me.. get out...get out... Erik began to speed up. I opened my mouth to emit a keening wail of pain. I keened again when he reached between us and touched my cock. I was flaccid. He eased back as if surprised that I had gone soft so quickly. The gauze of the canopy that draped behind the headboard waved slightly in the breeze. It was calming and beautiful as it gently wafted in the warm breeze. I lost myself in that white gauzy dance. I could feel Erik’s warm touch on my member. He rubbed to encourage the reaction he wanted and encircled me in his grip but he got nothing. What involuntary, satisfying reaction I had was gone now. He continued to jerk at me in frustration but my body refused to give him his satisfaction. Good Body. In frustration and anger he took me again. The back of my knees ended up bent over his shoulders. My body rocked as he began to thrust harder, faster, more painful than ever. My head banged repeatedly into the headboard as I stared up at the canopy trying to ignore the sensations that were being pulled from me by what Erik was doing. Pain and pleasure how could I be feeling both, liking it and hating it at the same time? My fists were white with tension. 90

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He grunted and groaned as he spilled into me. I think he might have even spoken to me but my ears were filled with the rush of static. If I squinted, the tears in my eyes made everything sparkle with morning dew. Rather otherworldly. It was stunning in it’s own way. I wanted to lose myself in that other world but a sharp pain ripped through my back as the full weight of my blonde rapist slumped forward on me. He was breathing hard as if he had just run a race. I could barely get my breath with his weight so heavy on me. My world was nothing but pain. Varying degrees of pain. I thought the worse pain I would feel would be in my violated ass but I was wrong. It was actually hard to breathe. It felt like a hot spike had been rammed into my vertebrae just between my shoulder blades only to emerge from the front of my chest in an all together different flavor of pain. It was intense, I wanted to throw up. “Trevor?” His voice was breathy from his excursion up the dark canal. His hand stroked my flank, hip to mid thigh and back down again. Oh, God, he was petting me. Get off of me. Get out of me. Get out! I could only make gasping noises. The pain went right through my chest as if I were a butterfly pinned to a mounting board. I cried out breathlessly again as Erik shifted his weight then pulled out of me. A too warm hand pressed against my cheek, “Trevor, what’s wrong? What’s the matter?” “...back..hurt.” Fireworks shot off behind my eyelids as He reached up and yanked my arms down off the headboard. My right arm curled over my chest, my fist sat over my heart as I rolled to my side curling inward with the pain. “Antoine!” Erik was frantic. The bed rocked as he climbed off. “Antoine!” He screamed again going to the doorway to call for help again. Lying on my side didn’t help. I rolled flat onto my back gasping for breath through the pain. The pillows angled my head up, stretching the muscles in my neck and aggravating my upper back pain. I fumbled behind with my left hand and pulled the pillows down from behind me. I laid flat...it didn’t help. The pain was too intense. I forced myself to the edge of the mattress then slipped off the bed to the cool floor tile. My breath was a shallow pant. Any deeper 91

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was impossible. I needed a hard surface to press my shoulders against. I tried to bend to the floor but the pain was sharp and stole my breath. I stilled until the pain was slightly manageable. I got to my feet without using my hand and keeping my back ramrod straight. I staggered to the wall then turned around resting in a corner. Pressing my shoulders back against both walls to keep my shoulder blades and spine in a vertical alignment. This move had worked before. I wanted to vomit. The shoulder press thing wasn’t going to work. When that hurt too much and my back muscles began to quiver, I ended up in a half crouch position. Both my hands were pressed in the center of my chest as if in devout prayer. I had experienced this pain before. It never got better very quickly but I knew it would subside unless I moved the wrong way. I eased to my knees and pressed my head back into the corner. I had twisted vertebrae out of alignment. Well, I didn’t, Erik did. T6 was straining the ligaments and pushing my rib cage out of position. The ache didn’t get worse; but, it didn’t go away either. I needed a chiropractor. Fat chance I was going to get to one out here. When Eric returned he brought a frenzy of noise back into the room with him. “TREVOR!” I flinched and sent another shaft of agony through me. Eric started towards me his arms outstretched as if he was going to pick me up. Uh-uh. Enough of that blond bastard today. “Erik!” Antoine’s bark stopped him dead in his tracks. “There is blood here.” I focused my eyes on the tell tale crimson splotch on the bedding. Just as if I were a virgin bride after her wedding night, the crisp white sheets were stained with spots of my blood. I became aware that blood trailed sluggishly down my inner thighs. That should have freaked me out, badly, but I was still recovering from Erik’s most recent show of affection and now the pain in my back was my main concern. Whatever healing I had undergone was quite obviously undone but the pain in my back made that seem almost unimportant at the moment. Except that I was nauseous again. The sight of my own blood and the intense pain I was experiencing had a tendency to do that to me. 92

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Antoine was furious, “Damn it Erik, Dr. Kenovich told you not to touch him.” Directing one of the other men who trailed in Antoine ordered, “Get the Doctor here now.” Erik stood a few feet in front of me. His eyes were wide with remorse and fear. I thought I saw actual distress in that blue-green gaze. “ERIK! Get away from him!” Antoine’s voice was sharp and barking. Erik flinched. “I...I didn’t mean to...” Looking at me he stammered, “if you would have said no I wouldn’t have....you didn’t say no...” So my rape was my own fault. I stared up at him. Something must have changed in my face because Erik took a step backwards with a look of fear showing in his eyes. Antoine dropped a hand on the blond man’s shoulder, in warning. I watched as Erik turned on his heel and tore out of the bedroom like a bat out of hell. More like a devil out of hell. Antoine stepped forward slowly, his hand out towards me. Very cautious. Watchful as if he was trying to coax a wild animal. I almost laughed at the wary look on his face, I felt about as tough as an angry kitten. I hiss too hard, I was going to fall over. “Come, Master Trevor, I will help you up.” “Don’t touch me.” My voice was laced with so much pain the snarl was not very convincing. Antoine knelt before me. His palm was open and flat, a universal sign of “no harm, no weapon” slightly marred by the sight of the long thin cane scraping the tile floor as he shifted his weight forward, inching closer. I narrowed my gaze. I couldn’t trust anyone in this god forsaken hellhole especially someone who carried a whipping cane as standard equipment. Antoine’s tone dropped to a whisper. “It was a mistake to leave him alone with you. Erik is such a gentle soul except when he’s working or with you. As always Master Trevor, you bring out the worst in him.” Even though my world was nothing but pain, rage hotter than I could ever remember feeling flared through me. It fought with the agony that was exploding in my body giving me enough adrenalin to over come the pain and rise from my knees in one motion. Angrily I hit his hand aside, denying the offer of truce. “Fuck you...fuck all of you. He’s a fucking rapist. There’s nothing 93

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gentle in him. You’re helping him do this to me so you’re all a bunch of goddamned sadists!” Pissed me off, offering his hand like I could ever fucking trust him. Antoine stood in front of me his arms spread to either side of him as if he was going to snag me if I tried to run past him. He was definitely overestimating my physical abilities, anger might have gotten me to my feet but I knew that I was lucky to be upright, running was a little beyond my capabilities. All I could think was “He raped me. Chained my hands to the bed and raped me. Again. Gentle souls don’t chain you to a bed. And telling that bastard I didn’t want it, wasn’t going to make him stop. Why was he still doing this to me? He admitted I wasn’t his Devil. It was like I was the twin left to face the consequence of the sins done by the sinister, evil one. I was facing his punishment, but I didn’t do the crime. I, me, Trevor, didn’t deserve any of this. I shouldn’t have to endure this. “Olga is on her way.” Erik came back into the room but hovered around the door for a moment as if searching for courage then he started forward towards me. As I backed up into the corner. Antoine twisted around and caught Erik’s wrist as he reached for me. Antoine jerked him back and caught him up in those massive arms. “I think you’ve done enough for the day.” Antoine placed himself between us. “But he’s still bleeding...” I grit my teeth as I felt the sticky mess that was my life’s blood still seeping from me. “You’ve done enough, Erik.” The blonde bastard didn’t fight Antoine to get to me but he didn’t back off either. Even though they were both over six foot Antoine was almost twice as wide but I knew... I knew, for sure, that Erik could put him down if he wanted to. Because I had seen it before? Not me but the other one who was me, or when I was him. My head was beginning to ache and I was feeling dizzy as well. I swayed slightly but caught myself. When I saw Erik’s hand reach out for me again I jerked out of the way. I glared a warning for him to back off. Calm Azure blue eyes met mine. The distress in Erik’s eyes a moment ago was gone, his glance was now all cool and calm. It was as if someone flicked a switch. “My Treasure...” 94

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“Stay the fuck away from me.” Antoine had Erik in his arms but that didn’t mean I was safe, he was still stretching his arm out to catch me in his grasp if he could. I began to think twice about trapping myself in a corner. Carefully keeping my eye on the monster reaching for me, I began to move away from the corner. It hurt to walk. My knees were weak, my legs trembled with the effort to keep moving. On top of feeling like I had been staked through the chest like a vampire having a very bad night and at the same time that my ass had been somewhere it shouldn’t have been, I was worried because Erik’s extended arm tracked my moment like a rifle barrel. I held up my hands in front of me as if to fend off another attack and protested again as if it would change anything this time, “I’m not him. I’m NOT your Devil. I shouldn’t have to pay for his sins. I’ve never done anything to deserve this...I don’t deserve this. I’m a good man.” I was almost crying. I wasn’t...but I was close. “I love you.” As if His simple declaration was going to make everything all better. “That’s enough Erik.” Olga looked at the evidence of this morning’s rapefest dripping slowly down my legs then walked quickly forward. “Erik, just because Trevor looks like him...doesn’t mean he is.” She turned to me asking, “How much pain are you in? You are positively pale – more pale than usual anyways.” “My back...old injury.” The Russian knelt down and set her little black bag of tricks down beside her. “Let me give a shot for the pain...” I shook my head. Mistake, it made me dizzy again. I grimaced and closed my eyes. When I opened them, Olga had a syringe in her one hand and a bottle of something in the other. “NO, no more shots. No more drugs. I said no!.” “I can see how bad it is. You don’t have to suffer needlessly, Trevor. Even when you were right in the head, you didn’t go for pain, Trev, at least not your own anyway.” She stabbed the needle into the rubber seal and pulled out the plunger drawing the clear liquid into the vial. “Pain means you’re alive.” All of them stared at me as if I suddenly sprouted a second head. “What?” I wasn’t allowed to be philosophical?

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Olga set the syringe down and pushed herself back to her feet. She stepped back and made a grand gesture towards the bathroom. “Fine...let’s get you cleaned up” Erik slipped passed Antoine. “Don’t you fucking touch me.” I fisted my hands in a threatening manner as if it would do a damn thing to keep the son of a bitch away from me or hurt him if I did manage to land a punch. “I only want to help you.” I held my arm out warding him back. “Your kind of help I don’t need. There’s something serious wrong with you. Don’t come near me. Don’t touch me. Don’t even fucking look in my direction.” “Your origins are showing, Love.” Olga voice was full of undisguised scorn. She turned toward the blond man. “Erik, can you go and get Jean to start breakfast for everyone?” “But I...” Her manner flipped over into Doctor mode. “I asked you not to lay with him until his injuries were healed. You did anyway. You kicked a wounded puppy. Of course he’s not going to come to you after you did that. You need to go and see about breakfast so Antoine and I can take care of him.” I so did not appreciate being called a kicked cur. So much like the mongrel comments from the my life in the orphanage. I was surprised that being called a mongrel still hurt. I disliked her even more for the slur because I wasn’t sure it really was unintentional. A lucky shot in the dark? Too lucky it seemed to me. At that moment I felt sure that somehow she knew about my childhood and took the opportunity to make me feel even more insecure. Maybe to get even for being dumped by the Devil named Trevor. Bitch! In a tone of voice I had never heard from him before Erik said in a soft voice. “I miss Trevor.” His tone was that of a lost little boy. He turned his eyes to me and I forced myself to look away from the glimmer of tears glistening there. What the fuck? I’m in pain and bleeding and my assailant is expecting me to feel sorry for him? The doctor sounded annoyed, as if she had tried more than once to teach Erik this lesson. “He isn’t Trevor. Well, not your Trevor. He’s not as indestructible as the old Trevor. You said you 96

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understood that. You won’t be allowed to be alone with him until he is physically healed. And even then I wonder if we can trust you around him anymore.” There was such sadness in his blue green eyes. They were nothing like the eyes of the man who threatened and raped me. What the hell was his problem? “I’m sorry, Trevor.” I felt myself get angry again. “That and 5 bucks will get me a latte.” “I said sorry.” He blinked at me, looking a lot like a kicked puppy himself. His turn to whimper. I could feel my upper lip lift in a sneer. “Well why don’t you try saying that when your life’s fluids are spilling out on the floor, maybe then I’ll believe you.” “Trev...” His shoulders slumped. “This ain’t kindergarten. Just because you say sorry doesn’t mean I have to accept it. Get the hell away from me, or do you want to try ripping my entrails out my ass this time?” Vitrol spilled out of my mouth. “Fucking, raping bastard.” “Erik, just go.” Olga hissed at him. “You’re making everything worse.” I closed my eyes and the beads of tears seeped out onto my cheeks. I hurt everywhere but it wasn’t my current pain making those tears appear and I wondered just what the heck was causing them. Why was I feeling sad all of a sudden? “I have morphine.” Olga was closer. I snapped my eyes open and searched her hands but they were empty. “No.” “Suffer then. Considering you still don’t truly believe that you’re the Devil, you have a great way of channeling his winning personality. You...can you stand?” I couldn’t stand yesterday. What made her think I could do it today? My legs buckled under me. Antoine picked me up like a rag doll and carried me into the bathroom. After the final offer of morphine, Olga said nothing but worked with clinical efficiency on my pain wracked body. My ass stung. My back was a constant pulse of pain. Soon I was cleaned and antiseptic but I still couldn’t move much under my own power. I ended up face down on the bed with a couple of pillows under my hips. This position couldn’t be more embarrassing. 97

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“Now that is a sight I really never thought I would see.” Olga shook her head then came and sat down on the bed, careful not to jar me. “What no cutting comebacks? You only like saying mean things to someone who can’t make a comeback? After all you did to Erik, any remark you make about him cuts like a knife.” In full doctor mode Olga placed an ice pack on my back. “I don’t know this you, Trevor. Maybe if you had changed your first name as well it wouldn’t be so damned confusing. There are some gestures you do that are pure Trevor, our Trevor. Then when I look into your eyes, I know damn well you aren’t him. He never showed fear, or indecision even when he was in pain. I’ve patched you up enough to know your pain threshold so I know Erik did a doozy on you and yet you want to be drug free this time.” I turned my head away from her and let the cold of the ice pack seep into my back. “I never thought Erik would hurt you again.” I felt her hand play with my hair. I didn’t like her taking liberties even with my hair. “I guess payback is a bitch.” I muttered down into the sheets. “What was that, Love?” “I said payback is a bitch.” I carefully rubbed my face on the cool sheets. “Yes it is.” “Too bad for me then isn’t it. Just because I have the face of the bastard that did those things, he’s going to make ME pay for it.” “You know something Trev, I’m surprised at how much you whine now that you are this new person. I would have thought that something of the old touch-as-nails-son-of-a-bitch Trevor would have survived somehow but you are nothing like him. Better watch out that Erik doesn’t eat you alive when he finally realizes what a pussy you really are these days.” There was a hint of satisfaction in that last statement that I didn’t like either then she switched on the professional Doctor so quickly. “Last chance. Morphine? Codeine? Percocet?” “If you got muscle relaxant, I’ll take them.” Now that everyone was out of the room, and technically the Russian quack was my doctor, I could give in to the agony. Shake, shake, shake. Pills rattled in a plastic bottle. “This needs to be taken with food. I’ll send somebody down with a tray. Jean is 98

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a massage therapist. Francois is a physiotherapist. They will work on you after while. That should help.” “I need a chiropractor.” “Let’s try this first.” “I’ve lived with this for as along as I can remember. Only a chiropractor will help.” “What caused that injury?” “Blunt force trauma.” I never could recall the accident that caused my painful back trouble. I guess being run over by a car and left for dead would count for trauma. “I’ll leave you then. I’ll go and check on Erik. You know you were unnecessarily brutal to him.” There was a chiding tone in her voice. “I was unnecessarily brutal to HIM?” She sounded sorry for Erik, Bitch again! I decided to appeal to her softer side, the one that she was showing now, before it disappeared. “Let me go...know you know what he’s done....” “Begging doesn’t suit you, Trevor. Like it or not, you are home. The Devil has made lots of enemies, some have been satisfied with your pseudo death; others have turned into Erik’s enemies. He filled the void you left. I didn’t think he could do it. In business, he’s just as ruthless as you were...maybe even more so. The Devil’s Advocate has kept the Devil’s holdings together and strong. I was petty enough to wish he would fail but I should have known better. He was your lover and apprentice after all. Hell, I think Erik is a better business man than you...but you know what they say. Business makes for strange bedfellows.” “Everything that Erik has done as the Devil’s Advocate has been done for you. What he is now, is what you turned him into. He’s hard. He’s ruthless. He’s brutal and yes, Trev, he’s a killer. He’s become all you see just for you.’ ‘You brought him into your world, taught him the basics and you left him there - alone. Erik has grown up fast and he’s grown up hard but the Erik that first caught your attention is still there, buried under all that coldness. Everyone here on the island has his trust. He lets himself free here. It’s his sanctuary. His cloister. His little touch of heaven because this is where you would bring him when you wanted to be just Trevor. ‘ 99

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‘You have absolute power over him which is why you should watch what you say. And before you get all pouty, there IS something wrong with Erik. He loves you. He fucking loves you so much he only existed until he found you again. No one should have that kind of control over someone. It’s not right. There is no simple shot to take care of that. I don’t have a pill that would free that boy from your influence. I can forgive and forget a lot of the crap that you’ve done over the years, Love but this...this is a sin from which there can be no salvation.” I shut up and rested my forehead on the clean sheets. Dr. Olga had just shut the door on another possible escape route. Here I was plotting to use my masculine wiles to try and seduce her. Wham, bam thank you ma’am and get me hell off this island. “Sometimes it’s better to face the Devil than his Advocate. If your rivals thought that planning to take Erik out, and having you die instead was the best accident that could have happened, our Azure has proved them mistaken. Those men thought they could swoop down and take over your territory, but they found a coffin waiting for them instead of the Devil’s unprotected business empire. Erik has been as tough if not tougher than the original Devil. He does his job even better than he was taught. But that’s work, in his personal life...Erik waits for his beloved Devil to come back to him.” Erik seemed unstable not lovelorn. How the hell could I know if he had a soft side that deserved all that consideration from Miss Witch Doctor? After all who was laying ass up in the air? Me. One moment Erik’s emotions were cool and harsh, then the next moment he was all teary eyed and sorry. The one who kidnapped me...that was the cool, harsh one. He was the one who raped me. Who chained me. Who beat me without a second thought. Then the tears of remorse and regret. Didn’t stop the former from happening again though, did it? “There is something wrong with him.” I muttered. The ice pack was numbing some of the agony. “You twisted him, Trev. You took an innocent and you twisted him into a carnival mirror image of yourself. Yes, payback is a bitch.” Olga stood up. “Even if you can’t remember, that bitch is still inside of you and Erik will get his pound of flesh. One way or another because he is entitled to it.” 100

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“And all of you are going to help him?” My voice sounded bitter to my own ears. “Love, we’re here to just make sure that he doesn’t kill you. You’ve fucked all of us over at one time or the other, it’s hard not to root for him to succeed. Sorry, it was the other you who did the fucking over. Since, he did a dine and dash you, Trev, are stuck with the check.” With that she sauntered out of the room. The warmth of the morning sun burned into the room. I was on a tropical paradise with a fucking madman who had henchmen who could cart me around under one arm and a walking pharmacy with breasts. The ache in my back and sternum hadn’t decreased, but it didn’t increase either. Small mercy for small favors. The door to the bedroom opened and the therapists walked in, one of them was carrying my lunch tray. Here I was bare assed naked to the elements and I couldn’t move a muscle to protect my modesty. I wonder if that bitch had left my ass uncovered on purpose. I wouldn’t put it past her. Damn it, I should have taken the morphine.

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Lesson Seven: In the Still of the Night

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apefest was over. Twenty-four Erik free days and counting. Well I guess I should clarify that statement, there had been no unsupervised Erik encounters of any kind. The island had a perimeter of ten kilometers with only the south east side of the tip being developed and somehow recently I had developed an internal radar for knowing exactly where that blond haired, blue-green eyed bastard was in my small slice of a rape free zone which consisted of the gym, the kitchen, the rec room, my bedroom and the library. Oh, and the great out doors and the ocean in the back of the villa… if I wanted another melt down by being pulled into the ocean, or getting heat stroke. In all those places I would get an Erik blip in my chest before he appeared and it would give me enough time to take my healing ass and psyche somewhere else, as fast as I could. Like a mouse with the local cat on his trail I would scurry off to another part of my limited territory. So what if it made me look as if I was a coward. It was in my best interest to keep my ass rape free, I needed this time to physically heal. My mental healing, well that was just a crap shoot wasn’t it? At the end of it all would I be Trevor the unexceptional, timid bank clerk or the terror of the world, a Devil named Trevor? Everyone here had a reason for wanting the Devil back…maybe the only one who didn’t come at me with hidden intentions was Antoine. He still carried the cane on his belt and 102

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didn’t hesitate to use it. If I turned out to be the Devil again maybe I would be doing some serious payback where he was concerned. Considering everyone here believed that I once was the Devil and that this was MY island and MY house and MY high tech security system/super computer, it was ironic that I had absolutely no control over anything. All the doors were secured with locks that required hand print identification only it was everyone’s hand print but mine. As I said I was allowed to roam the gym, the kitchen, the rec room, my bedroom and the library. Why the hell couldn’t I damn well go where I wanted to instead of being restricted to such a small area? What is the good of being the “boss man” if I’m treated like an inmate, instead of the boss? I had to admit thought that I didn’t feel like the boss and maybe that was the problem, it didn’t feel like my territory. It obviously was Erik’s element, except for him finally being restricted from free access to me, he was walking the walk and talking the talk of being in charge here. Him, not me. I was chasing my tail in circles with the start and end point centering on that bastard. The good Doctor thought I was obsessing about the Devil and that it was hampering my recovery so computer and television access was curtailed. On the flip slide, Dr. Quack thought Erik was abusing his power so the magnetic cuffs were gone. The hard metal collar was gone as well, but not forgotten. I had a heavy silver chain necklace hanging off my neck now. Very in vogue for the Muscle Beach boys or swarthy thug set, however one end had a circle of silver nice and thick that a leash could be clipped to. I knew it was just for that purpose because Antoine and Francois had already used it on me. I didn’t have to socialize with Erik but I was expected to have dinner with him. Fuck it, I didn’t want to have dinner with him and tried to leave the table to illustrate my point. Since I was being an ass, Antoine’s word not mine, I was leashed to the table. Just like the magnetic cuffs that had been recently removed, no amount of pulling could get that leash unhooked and I couldn’t pull it over my head either. In a way it was more humiliating than the cuffs, too much like a choke chain that they put on big dogs to control them but I was no big dog and everyone knew it. Why such over kill on controlling me? My body wasn’t very muscular, now that I had lost the weight I had before the first 103

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kidnapping, I was too skinny. I had to work to keep any weight on me at all. The clothes that were here belonged to the Devil, I looked like a scarecrow in those Armani suits. I couldn’t keep the pants on without a belt through the loops on the waistband. Personally, I thought it would have been easier to just buy new clothes but socks to ties and everything in between was high end cost-wise, with dress shirts costing more than my monthly salary as a bank teller. Even the exercise sweats were more expensive than my rent. Wouldn’t it have been cheaper and easier for me just to get some department chain store clothes. I was asked politely, not told, that it would be better for my body if I tried to keep my weight on the lean end of trim and muscular and away skinny. Being able to count my vertebrae wasn’t sexy I guess. Instead of being dressed for my new clothing size, I was being re-made to fit into not only the shoes of Trevor the Devil but his very expensive wardrobe, to actually fit into his skin, as Erik had said. To do that, there was a complete gym within the confines of the house, and outside there was a pool walled to divert the ocean breeze. A meal plan was worked out for me and Francois set up a workout schedule that everyone made sure I stuck to. I did the workouts because it was less emasculating to do it willingly than to be forced and besides there was nothing else to do with TV and computers being banned but mainly because Erik was barred from the exercise room while I did my supervised routine. I hated having him standing to one side watching me and I refused to do anything while he was in the room. To my surprise my desire for privacy was granted. My hectic world had simplified down to scientifically prepared and portioned meals; physiotherapy for my back; deep tissue massage for the rest of me and as little of Erik being in the same room as I could get away with. I could avoid Erik almost entirely since that last encounter but not any of the henchmen, or henches as I thought of them, the others marooned with me on this fortress island. There was Antoine, Jean, Francois, Pierre, Johan and the good Doctor Olga. Somebody was always there. I was pretty sure it was to make sure Erik didn’t damage me more than he already had, than to keep me in line, except Antoine he loved to use that cane to keep me in line. Someday I might actually be in a position to get back at him. 104

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The Devil might have been a big bad ass. In comparison I was milk toast. Soggy and limp. Not exactly flattering but more than appropriate at this time. One day at time. Just had to survive one more day. Each and every day I found the strength to get up and out of bed. I ate my supervised meal. I worked out by supervised schedule. I was slowly filling out, I was getting stronger. In more ways that just the physical. I still wasn’t up to handling Him but I wasn’t rocking in a corner with my head on my knees either. One more day, a little bit stronger. Erik and the Henches jogged the island every morning. Since I was so pale, that much time in the sun was a little brutal which I took as a small mercy. If he wanted to run with me he was going to have to do it in the evening and I knew that they all liked to catch the sun for a tan so, I didn’t have to endure that torture with him. There was a treadmill in the gym that offered up the same benefits without the possibility of heat stroke and his oppressive presence. However...you take away one torture, and replace it with a new one. This new torture was supposedly all for my benefit, mind you but I knew it was to make me more like the Devil they all wanted back. Since my freak out in the ocean, I didn’t have to go near it. I didn’t understand why the ocean would freak me out so much, because even as big as it was, the ocean was nothing like the river where I was almost drowned. The river had dirty brown water and smelled of dead fish and molding algae. The ocean may have had dead fish somewhere but not on that snow white beach and though the water was dark it wasn’t murky only sandy and foamy as it rolled up onto the immaculate beach. The wind and water smelled fresh and brisk of freedom and promises of far away places, nothing remotely like that day when I was ten and held under water at the whim of a lawless gang of young thugs. If a large body of water was a trigger shouldn’t that monstrosity of a tub be a problem? And yet, I can soak in that thing to ease my aching muscles without a twinge of fear. Now...now...what the fuck did they want me to do now? Antoine stood in the pool with his arms up towards me like a father trying to get his swim baby to jump into the water. He wanted one - just one lap. 105

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I was cold and clammy. My stomach was tight and my fingers actually shook. I closed my fists and pressed them against my sides. I wasn’t cowering like a maiden but I might be passing out from the vapors. They didn’t want me to learn more about the Devil, but they were expecting me to do the same things as him. If that wasn’t a double standard, I don’t know what was. The Devil swam. I don’t know how to swim. I have no hint of self confidence that I ever knew how to swim. Apparently the Devil swam fifty laps every day. So that is what they wanted from me. Not fifty. Not even ten. Just one or half of one. That was twenty minutes ago. We were to the point where my just getting wet would be a check mark for the day. My heart was pounding hard in my ears. I was panting like a dog. I had gotten the courage to get within two feet of the edge and that’s as far as I had gotten. I could feel my shoulders and back burning from the afternoon sun. I couldn’t take the extra step. “Come on, Trevor...visualize that this is a big tub. You can hang onto the sides if that makes you feel secure. I won’t pull you away from the edge.” The water rippled in the sunlight. White reflections against the green-blue tiled bottom of the pool. Apparently the Devil really loved the color Azure. Even the swimming pool was the color of that raping bastard’s eyes. “NO!” Antoine’s voice barked sharply. Hands shoved me hard from behind. My foot stumbled and then I was flailing as I fell forward. I started thrashing before I even hit the water. Water was cool as it closed over my sun burnt skin. I screamed and swallowed a mouth full of water. My hand broke the surface for a second then I was under water again. My hands hit a warm body. I clawed my way up the torso kicking wildly trying to get to the surface. Arms wrapped around my waist and suddenly my head was back above the surface. I choked up the water I had tried to inhale in my panic and coughed for a long time. My arms tightened around whoever was rescuing me. I was still in panic mode. He tried to get me to release my kung fu grip from his neck. My elbows were locked. My knees were wrapped around his hips. “Treasure....Treasure...” A coaxing comforting voice whispered in my ear. 106

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I was still hyperventilating. Wait. Antoine? This body I was clinging to wasn’t like a linebacker and he was warm. So warm. “Treasure...stand up.” Lips sucked at my neck licking at the salty sweat of terror that clung to me despite my dunking. I think I gasped in shock over who had me in his arms but I couldn’t let go of my safety buoy. “This fear belongs in the past, Trevor. You have already faced it. You defeated before. You own it. It doesn’t own you. Stand up...you did it once ...you can do it again. I have faith in you. Try it, my pet, I won’t let you go until you have your feet under you.” I could feel the strength in his body. His arms were around my back, pulling me close to his chest. “Try...Trevor...you have to try.” I wish I could say that I did right it away, that my fear of this muscularly toned psycho was more than my fear of water but I hung onto him so hard my muscles were screaming in pain. My biceps actually began to quiver. “NO!” Erik turned away from Antoine until his body was between me and the bigger man. I couldn’t even make my hand let go of Erik’s neck and reach out for the immediate salvation of Antoine hauling me to the side of the pool. “He’s terrified, Erik. This is enough.” Erik’s voice never quit cajoling. “...Treasure...just try. Just try to stand and that will be all for today. You don’t have to let go, but just try and stand. Fear has never held you back. Fear doesn’t control you...it wouldn’t dare.” I think my body was just tired because I uncurled from Erik slowly. My knees brushed down his hips and over his thighs. My calves brushed against his until...my toes felt the tile of the bottom of the pool. I pressed my feet down and dropped to my heels. The water hit me about mid chest. The pool was only about five feet deep. I wish I could say I felt stupid. I was still terrified to the point that my whole body was shivering, as if I was in the middle of a blizzard wearing a thin tee shirt. My teeth were chattering. “There you go, Treasure. See, you can conquer your fears.” It took a while for me to unkink my arms from around Erik’s neck and shoulders. His hands came up brushed at my cheek. I didn’t even know I was crying. “I’ve said that tears do not become you, Trevor. Are you ready to get out?” I couldn’t even talk. I ended up nodding. “Give me your hands.” He took one step back from me. I jumped at him catching 107

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him around the chest. “Okay....it’s all right, pet...we’ll do this one step at time when you’re ready. Give me your hands.” I wanted out of this pool. My legs were unsteady and wouldn’t work on their own. If I was going to get out, I was going to have to take his hand. I knew I was hanging on too hard. My knuckles were white with tension but Erik never pulled back or jerked me forward. “One step at a time, my Treasure...that’s it...a few more feet.” Once I was in flailing distance from the wall, I thought he would let me go. His hand stayed in my tight grip until I actually touched my hand to the smooth cool tile. I let go of his hand and hauled myself up tight against the side. Erik’s hands landed on either side of me and I felt his overly warm chest press up against my back pinning me to the side of the pool His head dipped forward and I felt his lips brush my ear. “I understand now. You turned your fear around. Trevor...this pool has a moving floor. It doesn’t go deeper than this. It can rise up to leave only two feet of water in it. MY Trevor mastered his fear by building this pool. He mastered it so well that I never knew that he was terrified of water. Now that I think of it, he never went to the ocean.” “Erik..” My throat was scratchy and burned because I ended up swallowing chlorinated water and keened deep in my throat for god knows however long I clung to him like a burr. “Sssh....it never occurred to me to pull files on you, on MY Trevor. He was so strong and confident that I took everything at face value. I’m starting to think that only showed me that strength and confidence because I needed him to be. I know you don’t remember me, but what I am now, is nothing like I was before. I will take the time to learn you, Trevor. Fair trade, you take the time, or at least give me a chance for you to get to know me. I will help you overcome fears. I was His best friend. I thought I knew him inside and out but he held back so much from me and I never knew it. I will be your friend, not your obstacle...if you will allow me.” Antoine’s bare feet stood before me on the walkway around the pool. “Erik, you’ve proved your point. Let him go.” “I have been brutal, Treasure. I apologize.” I felt his head rest heavily against mine. His cheek resting against mine. In a strange way I was grateful, his abnormal body heat kept me from shivering. “And I know this is not kindergarten. I have violated you because I could, because you bear the face of my beloved.” 108

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I tried to climb up the side of the pool wall. His body pressed forward pinning me tight against it and him. His breath stirred in my ear. “No...let me explain. My Trevor loved violence. He courted it. He seduced it into every aspect of his life. When I was finally strong enough, secure enough, we did this to each other. Azure was what My Trevor called me when he wanted me to be in total control. The safe word has always been “incubus.” You say that, and I’ll stop doing whatever I’m doing. I’m not like this because of him, he actually freed me so I could do what I wanted.” I felt a big sigh break from his chest and the warm air cascaded over my neck and shoulder. “I have scared you but my Trevor didn’t do this to me. He didn’t break me like Olga says. I know I can switch on and off. That was something I’ve always done. I scared everyone around me. The Devil just allowed me to be me. I didn’t have to take meds to regulate. I didn’t have to apologize for it with him because he entranced me like a snake charmer. I willingly crawled into his basket because there, with him, I was free and stable. We belonged together – the Devil and his Azure sea.” “Erik.” There was a warning tone in Antoine’s voice. “I love you, Treasure. The training, or maybe I should say the courtship that the Devil gave to me doesn’t work for you. I’ve injured you because I wanted My Trevor back with me. You wear his face, but I get it now. You are not him…and I cannot make you into him because your inner core is different.” Erik stepped back and allowed Antoine to take my arms. He gave me a push to get me out of the water as Antoine pulled. My legs were weak. I sagged to the warm surface surrounding the pool. Erik rested his arms against the ledge and watched as Antoine wrapped me in a sun warmed towel. I just stared back at the blonde man. I was chilled. I was physically shaking like a small dog even though the towel was warm and my skin was hot pink. My thoughts were still scattered. My chest was tight. My eyes burned. I think I was going to cry. I actually sniffled. Erik didn’t move toward him, but his voice wrapped around me. “To quote from a movie, my pet. You make me want to be a better man. You, not my Devil, not my Trevor. You. I’m back on my meds, Treasure. I’ll stay on them for you. You should see a change soon.” 109

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Antoine picked me up off the ground like I weighed nothing. “Why?” My voice croaked out. Antoine had turned back toward the house but stopped. He twisted back so I could look down into those blue-green eyes. “We are broken, Trevor. Apart we are shattered and incomplete. Together we are whole. He fit what was missing in me, and I filled up the parts of Him that were empty. You are the other half of my soul. It doesn’t matter that your colors are smudged and your ends are tattered, deep inside here.” He spread a hand over his chest, “I know that our being together is right. Meds will not take that away. Antoine, see to his sunburn.” “Master Erik.” Antoine turned and carried me back into my room.

That began the end of days. The true end of my life as I had remembered it or hoped that I could return to. I had been harboring escape flights of fancy. The supply boat came once a week. I fantasized that I could somehow get on that boat...what happened after that was nothing but a Cinderella story. I could get back and my life would be waiting for me. I’d start back at the bank. Go back to my apartment. I wasn’t expecting to be welcomed with open arms but I would be accepted. But, I had forgotten that every one of my friends thought I died in a mental hospital fire. Everyone? I really had no friends by that time. My fair-weather friends had abandoned me at the first sign of bad press. If I showed up, the police would arrest me. I might not be so lucky to be sent to a mental hospital. If I thought I couldn’t survive another round of hide the salami with Erik, I wouldn’t last two seconds in the general population of a prison. If I made it to prison. This face that I wore belonged to someone who had underworld connections, enemies worldwide. I might step off my boat to freedom to get a bullet in the back of the head. I was alone in this world. No. HE was there waiting for me. I was lost. Now that I wasn’t worrying about getting caned and raped every time I turned around, I had time to realize that I was a 110

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figment of my own imagination. I could only think that the Devil must have hated himself to wipe all traces of him from me...him...us...I had a headache. I still had dreams of Erik...a younger Erik who would look up with such devotion in those blue green eyes. No one, nothing, not even dogs I watched for my socalled friends have ever looked at me like that. I honestly don’t think I want a look like that leveled at me. The burden of trust is a scary thing and it’s a heavy weight to settle on someone. I can’t even take care of myself. I still had a hulking hench with me at all times. I think someone even watched me even while I slept. Actually I know they did now because one morning I woke up with Erik looming over me. He stood beside the mattress but his hands were on either side of my pillow and he just leaned over me. It’s very disconcerting to wake up and have a pair of eyes less that a nose width away. He did nothing. He just looked down at me with unreadable eyes. Jean came in with my breakfast tray and immediately called for back up. I just laid still looking up into Erik’s face. “You look like him when you sleep.” His hand moved and he brushed my red tangle of morning bed head away from my brow. “Master Erik.” Antoine had come to my rescue yet again. “May I have a good morning kiss, my Treasure?” “Erik...” Antoine’s voice took on a warning note. I just looked up at him. I should be mad or terrified or...feeling something. I just laid there. Looking at him. “I am sorry, Trevor.” He straightened. He reached out for my face but stopped himself from actually touching me. “Tomorrow, share breakfast with me?” I just laid there like a fungus on a log. When he didn’t get an answer, his face actually fell. “That’s okay. I have business to take care of tomorrow. I will have to leave very early in the morning. You should sleep in, you are still looking tired, Treasure.” Antoine stood off to the side and let Erik out of my room. Why couldn’t I move? I should have done something but I did nothing. Nothing! What was the matter with me? Physically I was stronger than I could recall ever being. I wasn’t pasty grub worm white anymore, my skin was tanned and smooth. My ribs were now wrapped in muscle. My hair was a little shaggy but the heat of this place was so much that I knew the top of my head would be sun burnt if I didn’t let my red mop thicken up but my hair was more 111

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sun beached auburn than red now with gold and blond highlights. Physically, I was more fit than I have ever been as the Trevor who was as a bank teller. Emotionally, I was still a fucking wreck. Erik had hurt me I still didn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Antoine had caned me but even so I trusted him though I was looking forward to getting even with him some day. What the hell is that? Then again, Antoine hadn’t ripped me a new one...literally. The days of being on the island and the beach were blending together. I day dreamed that I would do a Count of Monte Cristo and mark the days of my captivity but when I realized that I was dead to the outside world, I gave it up. Not quite as motivated as the Count to return to a world that would not receive me well so I don’t know what day it is. I only know now that’s its 9:00 a.m. because its allergy shot time--swimming lessons, well wading lessons. I got the theory behind it. Just have to master a little bit of the terror every day to show that I could overcome it. We stay out there at the pool until I get wet. Some days were longer than others. I really didn’t want to do it today. Some days I had to admit that I didn’t have the confidence this Devil held. Everyday they said, “you’re doing great, Trevor. You’re doing fine.” I didn’t know the benchmark they were holding me to. I was competing with a ghost. Competing? Why the hell do I have to compete with a damn ghost but no one was going to let me just sit in this room and brood like I wanted to. I pulled my swim trunks up. I had refused the tiny Speedos that had shown up at the foot of my bed early on. My underwear covered more than those. So five days later brightly patterned swim trunks were shipped in. Jean showed up at the door. Dying time. Because that’s what it felt like. I didn’t watch where we were going. I knew the routine so when I got to the blue green stripe that ran around the border of the pool I finally looked up. Erik stood in the water in a pair of those tight revealing swim trunks. He was in orange. What? Not blue-green? This Devil was sure fond of that color. Antoine stood off to the side dressed in the same type of shorts as me but it looked like he wasn’t going to be conducting the horror experiment today. 112

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The floor of the pool had been raised to its highest level the water was only two feet deep. Erik should have looked stupid standing in a wading pool but memories would come back to me at the strangest moments. Memories, not fantasies, not nightmares in the daylight. There was one that was rather a déjà vu moment in reverse where I was standing in the pool with my hand out, coaxing the young man to me. He couldn’t swim and he had finally asked me to teach him. Tentatively he held out his hand to me, trusting me completely. “My Azure...my brave boy...” “Trevor?” Jean laid a hand on my shoulder. I blinked myself back to the here and now. My eyes focused on Erik. “HE taught you how to swim.” “Yes he did.” Erik held out one hand to me just like the memory. “I will do the same for you, Treasure.” He just stood there holding up his hand to me. “I will never let harm come to you, Trevor. Take my hand.” I couldn’t. My toes stayed just this side of the pool border. Erik held his hand up to me until the strain of keeping it up so long was too much, he let it fall to his side. “I will be waiting for you, Treasure. You don’t have to face this alone. No one should have to face their fears alone.” Erik easily stepped out of the pool and stood in front of me. He could have been a model the way his body was shaped. The blonde hair hung forward playing peekaboo with those damned eyes. “I will get out of your way for now, Trevor. Will you have dinner with me?” Why did he bother asking? I had to. No was not an option. I didn’t want to be forcibly dragged to the dining room and clipped to the dining chair again. I had ended up sitting on the chair, ramrod straight staring at the food until the threat of being force fed was brought into effect. Dinner was not a fun time. Still. “Trevor?” I nodded. I think commenting on the Devil teaching him to swim was the first words I’ve said to him in a couple of weeks. He looked as if he was going to say something else but then he turned on his heel and headed back into the house. The day was a bust. I couldn’t make myself get into the pool. Dinner was a silent affair as usual and I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there. I’ve never been much of an actor and the whole awkwardness of a forced dinner engagement was all stilted and, well 113

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awkward as it could be. Finally Erik told me to go to bed. I left him sitting there in the torch light. I had been tense all day and it wasn’t until I was back in my room, curled in a ball around a pillow that I began to unwind. I didn’t sleep but my body relaxed. I watched the moonlight bathe the ground outside my windows in softness. Memories that came flitting back were centered around Erik. A different Erik. The emotions that came with them were not fear or panic. The most prevalent of them was pride and indulgence. I knew what the texture of his blonde hair was when the strands would pull through my hands. My fingertips could recall the way his lips felt after a long slow leisurely kiss when I caressed them and his cheek. His eyes would turn a sweet and precious green when arousal hit him. The way that perfect body would writhe under my touch. The sound of that voice as he begged for more, as he moaned his satisfaction as he came from my.... No. NO! The Devil’s touch. Not mine. I sat up. Was this what a multiple personality felt like? It was like I had two separate brains in my head and they were trying to mesh together to make one. I ran my hands through my hair. My fingers hit the long scar that was hidden under my hairline. I had wondered about it. No one could tell me anything. Since it happened out of the country, it was no wonder there were no police reports or medical records. This Devil was ruthless. He was strong. Was he stronger than me? I had to make up my mind to be like the Devil. If the Devil could swim, so could I. Maybe this panicked tightness in my chest was always there even for him, he just forced himself to get passed it. To do it in spite of being terrified. Isn’t that the definition of courage? I hated this tightness. I climbed out of bed and pulled on my trunks. Isn’t courage just going ahead and doing what has to be done even though you are scared shitless? I was ten. I was a kid when it happened. I couldn’t have done anything to prevent them from trying to drown me but I was giving them power over me now. Didn’t Winston Churchill say, ‘we have nothing to fear but fear itself’? I’m tired of being afraid. The house was still as I grabbed a towel and headed out to the pool. The moon was reflected large and bright like a big mirror on 114

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the still surface of the water. I didn’t know what depth it was at. I couldn’t tell in the dark. I didn’t need someone coming in and pressuring me to do this. I had to do it. Me. Setting the towel down I took a step towards the edge of the pool. I was sweating. Breathe...just breathe. I took another step forward. I was closer than I had gotten this morning. I can do this. I wiped at my eyes. God, I was crying. Why the hell was I crying? My hands were shaking so bad. I CAN DO THIS! The pit of my stomach was full of butterflies. My legs began to quiver. Hands came around my waist and I was pulled backwards into a feverishly warm embrace. “Are you doing this for you, or for me, Treasure?” Erik whispered into my ear. “Me. This is for me.” I stared out at the dark mirror. “I should be able to do this...I want to be able to do this.” Erik hugged me to him gently then stepped around me. “Sit...I will help you.” My legs almost gave out under me but Erik caught me then lowered me to the deck. He stepped backwards one step then slid into the black water. The moon shimmered as the disturbance rippled through the pool. The water hit him at waist level. “Just put your feet in, Trevor. Lean backwards on the deck and look up at the moon, but let your legs get wet.” I took deep cleansing breaths then dipped my left foot into the water. It was cool. I had been trying to tell myself it was just a bath but the warmth of the day had been leeched out already. It was cool. It wasn’t cold. I forced myself to lower my leg. The water hit me just at the calf. I was going to say that I had gotten wet today but it was hours past midnight. I dunked my other leg. “Lay back, Trevor. Just lay back and look at the stars. Nothing bad is going to happen.” Erik’s voice was soft and low. The night sky was a wonder. I have no memories of ever looking up and marveling over its beauty. I’ve treasured skylines and bright lights but to see nature in all its splendor was...a wonder. The water lapped at my feet and calves. My breathing began to ease slightly. The tension in my stomach never dissipated. I took a deep breath. It didn’t leave but it didn’t grow. Progress. Even if it can only be measured in millimeters, it was progress. “This is an accomplishment, my Treasure. You have nothing to prove to me. You never had to prove anything to me.” Slowly, I sat up. Erik was standing just beyond my feet. “If you want, you can 115

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get out of the pool now and go back to bed. Or...” He lifted his hand out of the water and held it towards me. “You can take my hand and I will help you to cross this obstacle until you can do it on your own. I will not be offended by your choice, Treasure.” The light of the moon had muted the colors to shades and tones of grey. I couldn’t see the azure of his eyes they were in shadow. He was backlit by the moon and its reflection. The water was black it made me nervous, that darkness did. In another second I decided I’d done my millimeter of improvement. I was done. “I’ll go back to bed.” His hand dropped back down into the water. Just the way his shoulders slumped in dejection made me add, “I’ll take your offer in the morning when I can see the bottom of the pool. I can’t go any further tonight.” “I understand.” I felt his eyes on me as I pulled my legs up and out of the water. “May I kiss you, Trevor?” “I....I can’t go any further tonight.” Memories of him sweet and also dangerously dark crowded my head. The sweet and endearing ones didn’t belong to the me I was now. The dark ones were fresh and still set me ill at ease. The recollections were mingling and mixing. I still had no time frame reference. If Erik looked younger, those were the Devil’s memories. They weren’t mine and I didn’t want them messing with me. I stood up. My swim trunks were still dry. “Will I ever get to kiss you, Trevor?” There was a touch of longing in his voice. You didn’t use that tone with a stranger. That was used with a lover to tell them that an embrace wouldn’t be rejected right now. I wrapped the discarded towel around my dry swim trunks. “No! Never! Rapists don’t get affection.” I wanted to yell it but I remained silent as I turned and looked back at the man who had just stood in a cold pool so I could get my ankles damp. He had changed. It was slight but noticeable. He didn’t flip flop on me anymore between being a cruel overlord and then a clinging lost love in the span of a heartbeat. Now there was a dullness to his eyes. Not that anyone mentioned it, but the azure eyes from the Devil’s memories were brilliant. They sparkled and danced with life and merriment, with the enjoyment of being with his Devil. Was that how the Devil had seen Erik? Is that why I was so confused? Layers were piling up between my reality and what 116

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happened before but the past wasn’t concrete. I couldn’t play it back at will. Memories came at me at random moments and they were confusing because I couldn’t place them in a timeline. “Trevor?” Ruthless and cruel, sorrow and sadness yet the one constant that remained was that Erik had been honest with me. Honesty can be a burden. A crushing weight on your lungs that makes it hard to breathe and hard to think. From day one when he shoved that gun in my face, he never lied to me. Erik has been honest at the expense of my impression of him, am I less of a man than he is? I turned back to the dark water. “I’m fucked up here.” I ran my fingers down the scar hidden in my hair. “I’m seeing you through my eyes, through HIS eyes and I don’t know what to do. You’re confusing me. You set standards for me to reach, but who’s standards are they? Are they His? Are they yours? You ripped me apart. I’m like a jigsaw puzzle and half of the pieces are gone. You just tossed another box of pieces at me and I’m trying to make sense of things. But I can tell you this, Erik. The Devil is not here. I only have shadows of his memories and they are fragmented and disjointed. Your Trevor is gone. He is dead. Why do you still want...this?” I made a gestured at my body. “If it’s just because I physically resemble Him...” Erik cut me off. “Love doesn’t die. Love doesn’t fade away just because you want it to. Don’t you think I wanted to stop loving you? That I wanted to stop looking over to the other side of the bed and finding it empty. That I looked across the breakfast table at an empty chair for five years and wanted to just be...empty.” Erik stayed in the pool staring up at me. He was a shadow backlit by the moon’s reflection. “You have had an accident. A life changing accident because you chose to save me instead of looking after yourself. I can’t let you wander alone, Trevor, because you’re not. I love the man you were. I understood why you did your work as the Devil. I love the man you are now...yes, I’ve fucked it up...maybe I should have been on my meds sooner but...the core of who I loved is still there. The face that the Devil showed the world was not the face that he brought back to me every night.” I frowned. “Are you saying that the Devil was a good man?” Erik shook his head. “No...the Devil was not a good man...but my Trevor wasn’t the Devil...not really.” 117

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“You’re confusing me.” I cradled my head in my hands. “My goal is to sleep in your arms every night. My dream is to wake up with you snuggled against my side peaceful in the bright light of the dawn. I hold you in my heart, Treasure and there you will stay whether my goals or my dreams are realized. I just want to know if I could ever be back in your heart or in my desire to return back to what we once were, have I fucked everything up totally.” Honesty is a bitch. “I don’t know.” “Trevor?” “I don’t know...just...leave it at that for now. I don’t know.” I turned and headed back into the house. Whatever accomplishment that I had achieved in the night was gone. I had a headache and I was weak. I turned and walked away from the dark figure in the dark pool. He deserved honesty and I had given it. It tasted like ashes in my mouth. Antoine was standing silently in the hallway and stepped back to allow me to pass. “I will make sure that Master Erik doesn’t make a visit to you tonight.” I stopped in my tracks. “He’s different, isn’t he?” It was more of a statement than a question. “He has been diligent in taking his medication.” “I don’t think you have to miss sleep over me now.” I took a deep breath. The tightness in my chest was easing. “Why would you say that?” Antoine had his attention out into the pool enclosure. I didn’t have to look backwards into the night. I didn’t have to look at the stillness of the water to know that Erik Howell was still in the pool. I heard him. I don’t know if Antoine did, but I heard it because I’ve been doing the same damn thing since I met blue green eyes. Crying just doesn’t cover it. It’s less than wailing but the feeling is more rending. It’s more silent than sobbing but the agony is just was intense. Azure, the Devil’s Advocate, stood out in the dark of night under the light of an almost full moon in a tropical paradise and grieved the loss of his last hope. I had been brutally honest. His Devil was dead. “I’ve just shredded his dreams. I don’t think he’ll be after me anymore.” Me and my wet feet squeaked back through the house towards my bedroom. I didn’t have to channel the Devil to be a bastard; I was born one. 118

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Lesson Eight: Wanting

I

woke up late the next morning actually surprised that I was allowed to sleep in. I turned over and looked at the clock radio by the bed. Nine o’clock had come and went along with the psyche torture test. Of course Antoine would have counted my moonlight ankle dip as today’s session. I rolled over onto my stomach and burrowed into the covers. I can’t remember the last time I had the opportunity to sleep in. I was going to make the most of it. I lightly dozed, somewhere between somewhat awake and maybe really falling asleep. Awake won. I pushed myself up to my knees and yawned. My jaw cricked and I winced then my eyes caught a book set on the corner of the bed stand. That wasn’t there when I crawled into bed. I shoulder rolled over on the mattress and snagged it. Laurell K. Hamilton? I sat up and read the jacket. Vampire Hunter? I used to read this? I don’t think so. This didn’t even twinge anything inside me. Then it hit me. I felt rested. That in itself was amazing because it had been a long while since I felt this peaceful. Looking out of the tinted window of my bedroom the skies were clear and a…well a sky blue. Ever since I was re-introduced to the former love of my former life, I have not been so well rested. Was last night an epiphany? Dipping my feet in cool dark water was a far cry from a burning bush. Erik and I actually exchanged words without him ripping me a new one or me screaming at him. It might not be an epiphany but it was a change of heart. I was honest with him. I was honest with myself which is 119

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harder than one would think. Medicated Erik got himself a shock to the system last night. I left him out in the dark crying. He left me a vampire book. What the hell does that mean? I laid the book on the bed and curled my legs up towards me setting my chin on my kneecap. I had only told him the truth. Well, the truth as I saw it and right now my point of view was pretty damned important. To quote Popeye, I am who I am. I am who I am; not what you want to see or who you want me to be. I am Trevor. Period. Not, Donahue. Definitely, not Howell. Maybe I didn’t need a last name. I could be like Cher or Madonna. A wry smile quirked my lips. Right, name me after women. Liberace…I shook my head. That wasn’t getting any better. I was going to have to build an identity for myself. That sounded strange but it was something I think I had to work on. I wasn’t Trevor the accused bank robber who was deemed incompetent enough not to stand trial and now was dead to the world. I knew I wasn’t a bank robber. I knew I wasn’t mentally defective in that way, anyways. Based on the scar on my head, the strange dreams that might be memories and that TV expose, I will consider that I might have amnesia. Maybe. I let out a sigh. I was thinking myself in circles. I picked the book back up. Vampires. I had no interest in vampires or their hunters or occult crappolla. I stared at the cover. Trying to force memories to come to the fore front wasn’t working. They were going to filter in on their own in their own time and in their own manner. The only problem was that what was coming to me all featured Erik. I tossed the book back on the bed and looked ahead not really registering what I was looking at. What was I going to do with this blonde model type with eyes the color of the Aegean Sea? Wait? The Aegean Sea? I’ve been to the Aegean? Would I be making comparisons if I wasn’t there? I don’t know. I don’t know…I…don’t …know. I closed my eyes and rested my cheek on my knee. Okay, I can’t force what I wanted to come to me so I should let what did want to come wash over me. Yes, it was Erik. A younger Erik and it was all pornographic. No, it wasn’t pornographic. There was an emotional tie there that confused the hell out of the now me. There were snippets of him looking up from whatever he was doing and 120

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smiling. I couldn’t deny that Erik was beautiful. He was perfection. Everything was the right proportion. His face was handsome is a manly way but not overly manly. How could I even describe it? He was every gay man’s erotic lust bunny and every woman’s dream date and for some unremembered reason, he wanted me. In my mind’s eye when young Erik would look up at me his eyes were unguarded and his thoughts and emotions swam in his bright blue green eyes. He would flash that smile and it would be so sweet because it was genuine. The sparkle in his eyes was full of need and trust. You can’t fake that. I couldn’t say that I imagined it because in my current life I hadn’t seen anyone look at me like that. Shows me how isolated I had been without even really knowing it. As it was I’d been ignoring that shadowy reminiscence deliberately because it set of a stab of hurt in my chest. I didn’t want the blonde haired bastard who masterminded the end of my life that I was building, even though it was a total fabrication, he wouldn’t be getting a thank you card from me, nor the rapist who had taken my body and broken it so badly, callously and methodically. When he had first taken me hostage. When he liberated me. When he destroyed me. Twenty-one months ago I was someone different. I wasn’t better than anyone else but I had made a place where I belonged. I might have lost a major portion of my life but the fact that I was an orphan never wavered. There was an ache, a yearning that was always there. You learned to live with it. I had soothed over my ache with my pseudo family from the apartment building – lonely senior citizens. Still, I had a place. For an orphan, that’s a pretty big deal. A sense of belonging. You know how special it is when you don’t have it. To most of us cast offs, that yearning is a void set deep within. A void that is always in your soul. Always empty and always yearning. Unceasingly. An orphan wants to fill that void so badly because it means that you are someone who is lacking. Ipso facto, if you weren’t lacking something then you wouldn’t have been abandoned. It’s a vicious cycle. Some of us orphans took this void to heart and turned to other ways to fill it. As the years went by those of us who weren’t cute enough, smart enough, obedient enough were left 121

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behind to grow like weeds under the care of the Sisters. They did provide the necessities of life but they couldn’t provide what we needed. That needed varied from person to person. Drugs was the void filler of choice to many. It was easy to get, easy to use and easy to forget the hell your life was; pot, crack, heroin, ecstasy, beer, whiskey, vodka, or if you didn’t have the scratch, bottles of cheap cologne. Others turned to sex to fill that ache. A kind word equates to love. Love means forever. Forever means belonging. Pimps knew the void and filled it with pretty lies as they sold your ass on the streets for a quick buck, but your pimp loved you. He really did love you which was why you stayed. It wasn’t only the girls that turned to sex. I took another deep breath as my throat tightened. Details were still sketchy but that was okay. That was fine. My eyes burned. Honesty is a commodity I preferred to deal in. Especially with myself. Maybe I should tell Erik thank you. I had been spinning myself a web of lies and half truths. Last night had been an epiphany. Avenues were opening up that had been blocked, or that I had been unwilling to travel down. Tears streamed out of the corners of my eyes. I had been the second kind. The sex kind. I valued my mind too much to get into drugs so I used my body to try and fill the void that was eternal. I sold myself in order to belong in this world. My nose began to run. I sold myself to anyone who appreciated me, who gave me a kind word, or a sexy leer. I saw through the lies of the-would-be-pimps and kept myself a free agent even with all the dangers that entailed. To belong, I walked the streets. Women were better tippers. Men wanted a fuck. I took all I could from them and I never gave anything away. Before I hit twenty I had turned from selling sex to get acceptance to using sex to make money. Money filled the void better than being anyone’s piece of tail or ass. Weaker ones toadied for money. They looked up to money. I became money. Apparently enough money to buy a freaking tropical island even though I couldn’t stand being in the ocean. I raised my head and tears were trailing freely down my cheeks. I wiped angrily at my face. Tears again. Haven’t I cried enough already? I was born disadvantaged but I clawed my way out of that. I cast my eyes around the room. If everyone was to be believed, this 122

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whole place was mine. My dream. My reality. Mine. I had everything I could have ever wanted. Only it was taken away from me. No. I touched my head and ran my fingers along the scar on my scalp. I threw it away. For him. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Everything comes back to Erik. Anger filled me driving the lingering sadness from my body. Anger I knew. Anger was a friend of mine. I embraced it fully. Fear might always be a constant and steadfast companion but it wasn’t going to be my only one. I don’t know how the Devil came into being. Somewhere, somehow I moved off the street. Something momentous had to have happened but I had nothing to call on. It was a big blank like that fucking void that was still deep within me waiting to be filled. “TREVOR!” I blinked and looked up at Johan. His face was concerned. That look made me think that this was not the first time that he had been calling me. Maybe even not the third or fourth time. “Johan?” I wiped my backs of my hands down my cheeks. My eyes felt scratchy. “What were you doing just now?” “Coming to some revelations.” I sniffled. I have to quit crying. “Is that a good thing, sir?” I looked at him and watched his body movement. He was wary of me. His hand was close to the little panic button all the hunches wore on their belts. I thought it was to keep Erik away. I frowned. They were scared for me? Or of me? Was it a good thing? I realized that I had whored myself out as a kid. Not a pleasant memory that one wanted to bask in but it was a piece of the puzzle that was the ‘missing me’. If I had picked up an STD or heaven forbid AIDS surely Olga would have told me. I sincerely doubt she would have been playing the willing Russian tourist in the tacky tiki hut if I was a walking infection. So somehow I had gotten lucky playing Russian roulette. No, that wasn’t luck. There was no way that I would have willingly put myself at risk. Why did I know that? I was Mr. Safety now. – well I was until Erik got a hold of me. I had a feeling that he was Mr. Safety while we were parted. I closed my eyes. Stop it. This wasn’t a trial separation. I didn’t know this guy. I. Me. Trevor, the singular. 123

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“Trevor?” I snapped out of my maudlin ways as Johan’s voice rose in concern. “Yeah. It’s a good thing, Johan. A memory came back. It’s like a log jam as finally opened up. I’m trying not to be so afraid that I’m going to stop living. One day at a time. I’ve got to take it one day at a time.” “That is a good thing, Sir.” I could tell that Johan was more than a little relieved that I had stopped spacing out. “Breakfast has passed, Sir, however, there is a light brunch set up on the lanai.” “No cringing lessons today?” Johan graced me with a smile. “No, Sir. I’ve seen the tapes, you did a wonderful job last night.” I have to remember that. Constant surveillance at all times. I brushed at my lashes and found them rather crusty. I swung out of bed and headed for the bathroom. I washed my face and wet my hair down to minimize the bed head effect then headed out to the lanai. I was actually feeling peckish. I made it to the doorway then pivoted on my heel and headed back to get the book off the bed. Can’t judge a book by its owner besides, I needed a break from my own thoughts and revelations. I padded barefoot out into the bright light of the mid-morning sun. I was surprised that Erik wasn’t lounging there waiting to make another meal time tedious and dull. No, that was petty of me. I made it tedious and dull because I wanted him to get away from me. It’s hard to admit it but apparently I once had built my world around a stalker. No…that wasn’t right either. I stalked him. I dragged his ass away from everything he knew and loved and I made him worship me. Holy crap, the Devil was a complete dink. Made me glad that I wasn’t him any more. The automatic awning began to extend out over the lanai keeping me safe from possible heatstroke. – probable heatstroke. I could feel vitality just leeching out of my skin as the sun touched me. My honest thoughts were giving me a headache. I headed over to a chilled tray of fruits and grabbed some along with some hard boiled eggs. There was orange juice and pineapple juice all unsweetened. If Olga was to believed, I was sweet enough. I took that with a grain of salt. I turned up my nose at them. I needed something with a little more kick this morning, or mid-afternoon, no mid morning. Time really wasn’t that important here on fantasy 124

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island aside from the nine a.m. torture session. My something a little stronger was the coffee urn. It had taken me a while and a whole lot of fighting with Antoine to allow me to get my own food. Yes, I was incapacitated for a bit and couldn’t move around much but that was then. I had two working hands and two working feet and I could carry a plate from point A to point B. I wasn’t used to being waited on hand and foot and to be truthful, it was a little unsettling. I was used to making it on my own in the world and the hovering was annoying. I set the plate down and plopped myself down in a chair then used my feet to drag another over so I could lounge. Books are good for distracting oneself. Yes, I knew I was deflecting the way my thoughts were turning but I knew I was deliberately doing it. I’ve had enough of lying to myself. However, losing myself in a good book wasn’t lying to myself. It was giving me a break. I didn’t like the way my thoughts were running so a book was good. It would give my head a little rest. I might have advocated honesty but I preferred it in doses I could handle. Erik didn’t show up and I counted that as a bonus for the morning. I nibbled and started reading. It did what a good book was supposed to. I got lost in another world. It let my problems percolate in the background. Somewhere along the line my plate got emptied. I assumed I ate it. More finger nibbles showed up and I munched my way through those. Somewhere along the way my coffee got replaced with unsweetened iced tea. I never really liked sweets. Now that I think about it, all the food that was given to me was something I liked. It was even prepared the way I liked it. I turned to the next page. How odd that I never noticed that before. Then again, keeping away from Erik was the priority. How my carrots were steamed and glazed didn’t feature high on my list of survival needs. I was near the end of the book when an unfamiliar noise broke through the tropical sounds of the island. Whomp, whomp, whomp. I frowned and looked around in the sky. A helicopter? We were being buzzed way the heck out here? Francois came out on the lanai and pressed the button to retract the awning. I blinked and winced as the full light of the late afternoon soon hit me in the face. “It’s time for your massage, Sir.” 125

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I rubbed my eyes and snapped the book closed. The day gotten away from me. I don’t remember doing that before. Not that I planned every second of the day, but lounging around wasn’t an activity I usually engaged it. The noise was getting louder. I gestured to the sky. “Helicopters land here? I thought the only access was by boat.” Francois came out into the sun with a tray, gathering up the plates and napkins and taking the ice tea pitcher away. “Master Erik would only have called for the helicopter if there was an emergency with your business.” I latched onto that little slip of the tongue. My business. The Devil’s business. The regular calm of the house was broken. Suddenly there was a siren blasting through the house. It was akin to an air raid siren. And it was loud. I was startled and ended up cupping my ears with my hands to lessen the volume. Francois stilled then dropped the tray bolting back into the house as if the devil was on his tail. No pun intended. What was that? What was going on? I stood looking up at the helicopter as it got closer and bigger. What had happened? Johan booked down the hall that passed the opening to the lanai. I followed after them more curious than anything. Pierre and Jean brushed by running as well. Not that I didn’t think the hunches could do it, but big guys like that usually don’t run just for the hell of it. Okay. Something serious was happening. The male computer voice ran out over the intercom system. If I built JARVIS why the hell did I give it an English accent? “Dr. Kenovich to the heliopad, medical emergency. Dr. Kenovich to the heliopad, medical emergency.” My stomach clenched. What? “Move, Tevor.” Antoine knocked me out of the way. My back hit the wall. If…if he was hurt why the hell would he come back here? There were hospitals with the best equipment and expertise out there. Why would he come back here? If he was hurt why would he come back here? I trailed after all of them like a lost puppy who had sort of hoped to have found a new home but really wasn’t expecting it to be true. Sure enough there was a flat concrete slab that had a yellow circle painted on it with an H in the middle of it in a courtyard that I hadn’t attempted to explore because Erik’s personal space was 126

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down this corridor. The helicopter was large I couldn’t tell what make and model it was but it was pitch black. Meant for running in the night and running fast. The turning blades were blowing debris everywhere. I had to cover my eyes. Francois had the side door opened. Jean and Pierre reached in and helped Erik out the cockpit. He was bloody. He listed to his left and his arm was pressed hard into his side. Blood coated his chest on down his side, soaking into his trousers. His face was pale and he winced as Pierre jostled him. Erik was hurt. He was really hurt. Why the hell would he come back here? Why didn’t he go to a hospital? Olga dropped a hand on my shoulder and squeezed hard then shoved passed me. I was standing in the middle of the doorway. I ended up shuffling sideways to get out of the way and Antoine rumbled a wheelchair up. Useless. I was absolutely useless. I stood there as Erik was settled in the chair then rushed past me. His bluegreen eyes were pain filled but he turned his head and looked at me. He smiled. There was blood staining his teeth. Why would he come back here? “Trevor…” He reached out and briefly touched my face then Antoine pushed him past as they disappeared back into the house. The helicopter powered up. I stood there stuck in a numbness physically and mentally watching it as it began to lift off. I ended up squinting then turning my face away as it hovered for a moment then it rose and took off to parts unknown. I watched it go, getting smaller and smaller until it was nothing but a speck in the sky that could be mistaken for a seagull. I could have gotten in it. I had the opportunity to get in it and fly away but to where? Until I knew who I was, or who I was going to be; I could be running into worse trouble. I headed back to my room. I didn’t want to see how bad Erik was injured. He meant something to me in the past, that we meant something for each other whether creepy or obsessively doesn’t mean that it’s all going to be hugs and tickles now. I might be fucked in the head, but I wasn’t that bad. So I keep telling myself. Erik Howell means nothing to me. He…should mean nothing to me. As it was, I ended up waiting for news. I caught myself drumming my fingertips on the arm of the chair in my room. Damn it. I can’t just sit here and wait. I got up. I sat down. Was I feeling 127

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something for that rapist? No. Do something. Do anything. Just don’t sit here like a sixties sitcom father waiting in the delivery room. I spied the book that I had been reading all day. I flicked on a lamp and settled back in the chair to do something other than wait. The adventures of the vampire hunter that enthralled me during the light of day couldn’t hold my attention now. My thoughts kept heading back to that bloody smile. It was horrifying and yet…what? Special? I went to the bathroom and after I did my business I looked at myself in the mirror. There was a smeared but dried bloody handprint on my face. Erik had touched me on the cheek before he smiled at me with those red stained teeth. I didn’t feel it drying or if I did it was such a familiar sensation that my body ignored it. You don’t get the name the Devil by using please and thank you. I washed his blood off my face then settled back down to read. “You really are one heartless bastard, Trev.” Olga and her delightful bedside manner had come to call once again. I looked up from my book. She was in a flower print sundress that accentuated her womanly curves. The appeal that had once drawn me to her in the tropical sands was gone now that I knew that she was fuck-me-over-number-two I should have known even way back then that I was being played. I mean how can someone who looks like her go after a pudgy pasty thing that I was “What? You’re not going to say anything? You’re going to sit there and read that book? Do you even want to know if he’s alive?” Her voice was heavily accented with that eastern block tone and was laced with so much sarcasm that if I did care, she would have cut me to ribbons. Good thing I didn’t. I read the same line. “God, you can be such a bastard!” She moved further into the room. I glanced up from the page and saw that she was a little haggard. It was six hours since Erik came back. I’d been the doctor’s home office here. While it might not be a full fledged hospital, it was a well equipped underground medical clinic. Since the helicopter didn’t come back, Olga was able to operate in there. Aside from the henches being all…well, henchy, they had medical backgrounds. My voice came out surprisingly normal and a little bland. That wasn’t what I was feeling but the tone was enough to piss off Olga 128

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even more. “That has already been established, dear Doctor. No use flogging a dead horse.” I read the same line again. “He’s alive if you care to know.” She crossed her arms under her boobs hoisting them skyward for a mountainous view. I flicked my eyes back down to my book. I turned the page even though I didn’t comprehend a single word on the page. “I knew that before you came in here.” “Oh, and how did you know that? Dr. Trevor?” She was going to throw a full fledged tantrum based on the way her foot tapped the carpet. My heart clenched. I had intended to be cool and cutting but my voice froze in my throat. The only sound that came out was a whisper of air. “He smiled.” It would be nice if flashbacks came with theme music. I mean something like ‘the outer limits’ with the spinning circles and wavy dissolves. Something that would tell you that your mind was about to mess you up. I could hear Olga nattering on but memory zipped from the dark abyss that is me and threw me into the middle of agony. Azure eyes stared down at me, glittering with tears. His hands clenched at my bicep and the other…oh dear god. The pain. I was shot. I could feel the hot blood streaming from my side. His hand was pressing hard down on it. I bit back a groan and looked up at him. Erik’s emotions were so damn easy to read. He knew nothing of artifice. That was something I valued in him, his honesty and his emotional truth. I loved his eyes. So expressive. Right now they were filled with fear bordering on panic. His fingers curled tight pressing into the bullet wound. He held me so tight as if he could keep me here with him if Death came a-calling. I laid on my back in the back of a speeding car. My chest and shoulders were propped up against his own and his body was curled around me in protection. I was bloody and in pain. I had been shot. After the gunshot all I could remember was someone screaming my name. Out of my peripheral I saw my beautiful Azure start towards me after the ambush. I felt the bullet rip through me, front to back but my eyes never wavered from my target. The fucker who did it was a crappy marksman. I wasn’t. I ended it quickly before my boy got himself into harm’s way. Three would be assassins. Three shots. Then I dropped. I expected the ground to be 129

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hard but I never hit it. Erik caught me and picked me up with more strength that I ever gave him credit for. “Are those tears for me, my boy?” Pain tinted every word and he knew it. “You’re going to die.” He said it so hopelessly even as his grip tightened on me. It was a through and through. In and out. Hurt like fucking hell but nothing major had been hit. I was going to make a snide remark but I looked up into my Azure’s eyes. He was absolutely terrified. There were main different kinds of strengths out there in the big wide world. I had worked with him to give him physical strength and confidence but his asshole parents had undermined everything he was. They chipped at his core. Always telling him that he wasn’t right and forcing medication down his throat. He couldn’t win for losing with them. He had been inches away from the abyss when I took him from the nuthouse his parents had committed him to. My Azure had come so far. He had taken so much to heart. I guess me getting shot was out of his comfort zone. Hell, it was out of my comfort zone. “Erik look at me.” He buried his face into my hair. “Erik!” The pain made my voice harsher than I intended but I did get his attention. I pulled my head back and turned towards him. I gave him a big beaming smile. “As long as I can smile at you, the wound isn’t serious. I don’t plan on leaving you my Azure. Remember this. I might be bruised. I might be beaten. I might be covered head to toe in blood but if you see these…” I flashed my pearly whites. “know in your heart that I am telling you that I am fine. Understood?” “I’m scared, Trevor.” That little boy voice had crept back in. I hated his parents for doing this to him. Just because they didn’t have the patience and skill to handle him, they tried their damnedest to damage him. We still needed to work on his self confidence. “It’s all right to be scared. Everyone gets scared. It’s what you do when you are scared is what counts.” “Even you?” His eyes glittered that entrancing blue green. Hell, I could gaze into his eyes for all eternity if it was allowed. “I’m everyone too, Azure. Maybe one day, I’ll tell you what I’m scared of.” I could feel the hold on me begin to ease. 130

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His lips brushed against my ear. “I don’t think I want to know. It would give me power over you.” I grimaced as the car hit a deep pothole and we ended up bouncing hard on the seat. “Erik, my love, I gave you power over me that day I set my eyes on you. Ask me anything and I will do it.” “Really?” There was calmness in his voice now. “Really.” I relaxed a bit hissing slightly as the car wove in an out traffic. Every little shift in weight put pressure on the wound. I was still bleeding and I was getting cold. “Love me forever. Never let me go.” He pressed his head up beside mine. “That was the plan.” “Then I could die a happy man.” “I won’t let you die, Erik…” I blinked as I heard my lips whisper the words of my former self to the room. I was curled in a fetal position on the floor my hand pressing against my side. Forcing my eyes open, I saw that I was in my bedroom. I blinked slowly. The phantom pain misted away. I rolled to my back and laid flat. My fingertips traced the puckered scar under my shirt. That explained one of the many scars on my body. I gave one long groan and raised my hand to my eyes. I was shot. I killed three people. Erik carried me to safety. There was no guilt. It was a righteous killing. I felt worse for Erik than for the lives I ended. Whatever Olga was ranting about dried up about the time I fell out of my chair. She had a stricken look on her face that stretched her skin thinly over her cheeks. She paled. “You’re remembering.” “Out of context.” My throat was scratchy. Had I been screaming? “You’re remembering him aren’t you?” That was said with a little bit too much venom. A bit strong and bitter for being friends with benefits. I frowned. “You and I…you said we were together until Erik came along.” Olga pulled herself together quickly. It was as if she had just passed a hand over her face and everything blanked. The burning in her eyes faded. The tightness around her mouth eased. The firm set of her shoulders softened and tossed her head back so her blonde hair flung out around her face. It was all an act. She was hurt but she was damned if she was going to let on – at least to me. Her lips 131

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quirked up into an emotionless smile. “If you can remember it, I’ll talk about it. Until then…go and see him. He’s asking for you.” “And if I refuse?” The pain that doubled me out of the chair to the floor was gone. It was long gone but I felt so weak. My fingers traced the scar. So much for thinking I was a victim of a robbery or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I had felt the butt of the revolver kick back into my palm as I pulled the trigger. Odd, I can’t recall the men’s faces of those I killed. My inner eye was still swamped with the way Erik’s blue green eyes had looked – frightened and concerned but he had moved with such purpose to get his Devil out of there. “You dreamt of Erik long before he found you again, didn’t you? A blonde angel with azure eyes. You dreamt of him and it confused you. Erik has been there with you when you were lost out in the big wide world; even when you didn’t know that he was real you dreamt of him.” She pivoted on a sandal. “I can’t forgive, Love. You dreamt of him not of me. Do us all a favor and …” She shook her head and swallowed whatever vitriol she was going to launch next. “Just do what you gotta do, Trev. That was something that you always did no matter who got hurt or stood in your way.” The Doctor has left the building. My head hurt. I crawled over to the bed and hauled myself up the side. My body felt so heavy. So, I laid down on the bed to close my eyes for a moment. There had to more than these disjointed memories. They were making things worse. There had to be the good and the bad not just the romantic and lustful. Well getting shot wasn’t a good memory but I could see that Erik’s intentional message was the trigger for that. So, why was my psyche only dishing out the junk that was confusing me even more? Shouldn’t it be doling out more important stuff? Or was THIS the important junk? I groaned. I wanted to stop thinking. Even if it was for a moment. I awoke at midnight. The moon was rising, a sliver of itself on the horizon. I sat up. I never got dressed the whole day. I can’t ever remember doing that before. I had lounged the whole day away. I slipped out of bed. The trigger hadn’t opened up the floodgates which, as I prized honesty, was a blessing. I had found out in one single day that I had been a 132

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whore and a killer. I think that was more than enough to leave me floundering a bit. Where was everyone? My toes kicked the hard cover laying on the floor where I had dropped it. Picking it up I headed out into the rest of the house. I knew where Erik’s room was because it was the one place I desperately wanted to avoid. Jean was in the room when I walked in. He looked at me a little puzzled then glanced back toward the king size bed. Erik looked rather small in it. His color had improved somewhat. Not that I could really tell because he had been in pain and he had been covered in his own blood. There were bruises under his eyes but that was more from exhaustion than anything else. Erik wasn’t sleeping at night. With his high metabolism he had to have a minimum of eight hours of sleep or he looked haggard, or at least on the wrong end of a bar fight. How the hell did I know that? “Sir?” Jean crossed over to me. I stood there at the foot of the bed staring down at the blonde bastard who had just made my life a living nightmare. So why was I here? I had meant it when I told Olga I didn’t want to see him so why I am I standing here now? My voice was soft. “I’m not sure why I’m here, Jean.” My stomach growled. I pressed my hand flat against it. “You did not eat. ” I shook my head. “Not hungry.” “I can hear you from here, Trevor. You need to eat.” Erik opened his eyes and looked up at me. His lips twitched at the corners but it wasn’t a wide smile like the one he had given me on the heliopad. His gaze swept over me and then those blue-green eyes locked onto the book in my hand. “You found it. Did you read it?” “Vampires?” Erik nodded. “I’ve always liked the fantastic.” Jean came over and pulled the light covers down to expose stark white bandages wrapping Erik’s tanned sculpted chest and abs. “Do not try and sit up, Master Erik. I’ll get Trevor a cold plate from the kitchen.” “It’s too late to eat.” I shook my head but my stomach decided to voice it’s opinion again. 133

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“Get Trevor a cold plate. You eat, I will lay still.” I nodded then looked around his room. It was decorated in pale shades of sand varying from pink to well, sand. It was actually pretty restful. I don’t know what I expected? Whips and chains and more bondage gear than you could shake a paddle at, I guess. This looked so normal. That was petty even for me. Mental illness is not a choice. “You didn’t come when I called for you.” His eyes never wavered from me. His tone was ever so composed and neutral. He was asking for more than an answer. He needed reassurance. Hell, I think we both did.” I took a deep breath and looked calmly into those blue-green eyes. “You smiled” He stilled then his eyes seemed to glow with an inner brilliance. If he wasn’t medicated now, how much more could those azure eyes dance? “You remember?” I nodded. “Bits.” “You remember us?” There was so much embedded in these words. I closed my eyes and hung my head forward. “Erik, my memories are not the issue here. You did horrible things to me. Me. Not the Devil that you knew. You hurt me. Not him. These memories that come back to me conflict with my reality.” “You were living a lie.” “Yes, I was. I will admit that. I was the Devil but that was a past life. I’m just Trevor.” I gestured to the side of the bed. Erik nodded but kept to his promise to keep still. “What happened?” I sat down on the mattress while trying to keep from jarring him. “I got careless. I turned my back on someone who had been my enemy, which I guess was still my enemy. He’s not anything any more.” A hardness washed over his face for a moment. “Why…” The question dried up in my throat. “Why did you come back here ? You were shot.” “I came back here because this is where you are, Treasure.” “You could have died in route.” “Would that have made you happy?” “Was the Devil that much of an asshole?” Erik actually chuckled then grimaced. “Don’t make me laugh.” “You’re fucking with my head, Erik. I’m confused.” 134

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“I think I like you confused. When you’re confused you’re not actively hating me. Lay here with me tonight.” What? Erik lifted his hand off the mattress but his elbow was anchored down to it. His palm was open and his fingers were relaxed. “I’m shot and weak from blood loss. You’re safe with me tonight, Treasure.” I stared at his hand. I think he knew I was about to refuse to make him admit it. “Please don’t run from me, Trevor. I’m scared. I got shot and there was blood everywhere and all I could think of was that I wouldn’t get to see your face if I died out there in that warehouse.” “You are an ass.” I all but hissed at him. “But I’m your ass.” A corner of his mouth quirked into a smile. “Please, Trevor. I’ll beg you if you want me to.” I laid the book down then took his hand. His palm was warmer than usual. I thought that he was a heat furnace to begin with. “There is another side effect. I think I mentioned it but I heal quickly and I won’t scar. In two weeks, you won’t even see the exit wound. Still doesn’t make up for seeing your blood seeping through your hands.” I stretched out beside him careful not to touch him other than by our clasped hands. “Treasure?” I closed my eyes and tried to relax into the softness of the pillow. “Sssh, Erik. Get some sleep.” “Promise me that you won’t leave me again, Trevor.” His voice was met with my silence. “You can lie to me. I need you to.” I don’t know if I meant it at that moment or if it was a flashback or something that was becoming real. “I’m not going anywhere, Erik.” I couldn’t go anywhere. I needed a starting point before I could head someplace. Here on a tropical island surrounded by men who were diligent in their desire to take care of me was as best a spot as any to start a new life. Not a Donahue. Not a Howell. I was Trevor. That would be enough for me to start figuring out the essence of who I am. Who I was is gone. Lost in the darkness of the abyss; maybe lost forever, maybe not. I couldn’t wait for my damaged 135

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brain to serve out recollections like a cafeteria worker on a metal tray slab. I had to grab life by the balls and hang on to it with both hands until it gave me what I wanted. I had to figure out what it was that I wanted. If I could be lucky as some, I would know what I wanted and once I had it I would never let go. If I could be so lucky... Even in sleep, Erik never let go of my hand.

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Lesson Nine: The Price of Memories

I

dreamt of sex. Hot. Wild. Mind numbing sex. My skin was hot and flushed and I could smell my own heat and lust. It seemed to ratchet my desire to a higher level. I could hear the pulse of my blood coursing through my body, pounding in my ears like a big brass kettle drum. I have never felt this horny. My skin was sensitive and I shuddered as a slight breeze caressed me. It felt so good. I was alive. I was burning up. I gave a deep and throaty cry as if I were a jungle animal calling for my mate. I never realized that scent was such a strong erotic thing in dreams. The musky fragrance filled my senses. Skin under my kisses was warm...so warm and responsive. I didn’t need to open my eyes to know who was under me. The heat from his body was enough of a hint. I leaned forward and buried my nose into his golden hair. He smelled so good. I’ve fucked around enough to know that some people just don’t smell appealing as the heat gets generated. Some tricks, were so rank that I had to bury my face in a pillow if we were in a hotel or my coat if it was a wham-bam-thank-you-man encounter, to keep from gagging. You don’t get paid if you vomit on your date. I’d yet to meet the fetishist who went for that. Here’s to crossing my fingers that I never did, that I never had to do that to survive again. But I knew I wouldn’t have to because I had Erik and I had clawed my way off the street corner long ago. Why wouldn’t it leave me alone in my dreams?

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My Azure made the sweetest noises as he shuddered under me. I knew everything about him. If I pressed a sucking kiss on the side of his throat right here I knew what his reaction would be. His chest bucked up against me as he tried to meld our bodies together. I sucked the hollow between his neck and shoulder. “...Treasure...” His voice was a whisper of pleasure. It took me back to another time and place. I lifted my head from his chest and looked into his flushed face. He had his eyes closed as he shivered under my ministrations. I was awash in tenderness for him. I don’t remember love. I don’t know if I have ever been in love; but, I knew that this feeling of tenderness was a foreign thing for me. But I wanted to wrap him in my arms and never let him go. I could protect him. I was hard enough, tough enough and strong enough to do that. He was so broken when he came to me. A shell of what he was becoming. The drugs were almost out of his system. Those beautiful ever changing eyes sparkled with vitality and character. I could tame this wild young god to my hand. I could see the possibilities, the potential in him. I just needed the patience for him to be able to reach that point within himself. I never was a nurturer but maybe my idea of nurturing didn’t fit the norm. My Azure was special. The things we would accomplish when he decided to run in side by side with me. The world would deny us nothing. It wouldn’t dare. Erik opened his eyes. They were green -an emerald jewel tone that reflected my own devilish face back at me and his desire. Slutty. Wanton. Mine. All mine. Forever mine. “My Azure.” I let my lips slip over his lightly. The taste of peach juice still tainted his mouth. He moaned into my mouth. I taught him how to kiss. I taught him mind blowing sexual techniques. He taught me how to feel. Yes, I knew where to touch him to make him crazy and making him crazy made me happy, happy for the first time in my life. His hand came up, slipping over my ass to the dip of my waist. His fingers paused slowly tracing the bullet scar on my back. It was still tender and red. Not that my skin was perfection, but it was puckered and raw, I didn’t want him to touch it because it was ugly. I hissed slightly. He swallowed my pain, all of it, the physical and the deeply seated mental pain. He taught me how to cry, I didn’t know whether to love him or hate him for that because it made me vulnerable but still, I couldn’t get enough of him. 138

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It was an absolute marvel that his skin was so soft, more the texture of a woman’s than a virile young man. I let my hands trace his body with the attention of a sculptor trying to capture the perfection that was man. That is what Erik was to me...my perfect creation. He existed only for me. He breathed only because I wanted him to. He reveled in pleasure because I gave it to him. I was the one who could make him lose himself. And in return, he found me. Forever Azure. “Treasure...” His voice was music to my ears. The trumpet of angels could not get my attention the way a soft whisper of my name would as it crossed his lips. I could find him in the dark with just one whisper. My hand ran down his flank until I could cup the muscle of his right cheek. His ass filled my palm perfectly. My own hot cross bun. He lifted his leg, allowing it to fall to the mattress. This opened his groin and in my fantastical musings I could feel the heat of his arousal slam up into me. I would take him into my mouth and bring him to a quivering climax but it has been so long. I have missed my boy with the blue green eyes. I have missed my green eyed god of sex and desire. I needed him...now. I pushed into his heat. “Trevor!” He was hot and tight. His hands tightened on my shoulders and his head arched back onto the pillow. I hurt my love. It’s been so long. I’ve missed him so much; I was too hasty in showing my passion. As the new Trevor I cried at night for so long for something to hold onto and I didn’t know what it was. My arms had missed him and now I had him in them again. He grunted and turned his head sideways into the pillow as I pushed myself deeper into his heat. He was so warm but so tight. I bucked deeper and I felt his portal clench tight around me. It was like slipping into a warm bath. The scent of arousal so fragrant, so welcoming. I shoved myself in to the hilt of his warmth. Erik bit back a scream. His portal quivered around my shaft but he brought his legs up higher locking his ankles at the small of my back while his calves slid around my hips. His elbows were locked, stiffened into a parody of trying to push me away as his hands tightened on my shoulders trying to draw me close. I pressed my hips forward grinding even deeper. 139

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I was rewarded with a moan. Erik’s head pressed back showing his neck tight with tension. I snaked my arms inside his upper arms and pressed down forcing his elbows to bend. I pinned his arms to the bed. My knees left the bed and I pressed my weight up to my toes until Erik had to curl up. Our tight joining enabled me to easily reach his neck. I was able to get my lips to his throat. I hadn’t marked my boy in a while. His skin looked so bare without my marks of ownership on him. His eyes were open but hooded so only the briefest glimmer of green shone back at me. I owned my Azure...just as he owned me. Together we were complete, apart I had to admit we were bereft of the whole of our being. I began to fuck him. No, I began to love him. My Erik. My beautiful blue green eyed man. He was unappreciated out in the world. He had thought himself ugly and worthless. Those individuals he had valued tried to crush the spark that made him unique. They locked him up and abandoned him. Only I saw the possibilities in that fascinating mind. He blossomed under my care. No, I wasn’t kind when I took him from the hospital. I had to break the training those people had forced on him. Those people. I wouldn’t call them his parents. The nuns treated me, a foundling, better than those whose flesh and blood he shared. I broke him so he could find himself, so he could shatter the chrysalis and become who he should have been all along. He is as beautiful on the inside as out. Physically few men, or women as a matter of fact, are so matching with their inner and outer beauty. My Azure is a wonder of the world. My wonder of the world, only mine. A cry of pain shattered my dream. What the hell? How had I dreamed of a young Azure? Awake now, I became aware that I held Erik pinned to the bed. Not only were my hands tight around his arms, forcing them down to the mattress, I was also...in him. Oh dear God! I was raping Erik in my sleep. I shifted my hips and he winced, clenching his teeth together and grimacing. Tears streamed down his temples. There was a wetness against my upper thigh. I glanced down between us and saw that the bandage on his side was red with blood. I was horrified. Not only was I raping him, but I re-opened his bullet wound! My body posture changed and he knew that whatever aroused me was over. The hold on his upper arms loosened and I tried to move my hips backwards. His heels pressed against my lower back 140

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forcing me deep into him. His arms wrapped around my shoulders pulling me down onto his chest, the strength in those arms keeping me from moving away. His forehead rested in the crook of my neck. “I’m sorry...you’re bleeding.” There was a panic tone to my words. “No....no.” Erik’s voice was broken and stuck in play back. “...no...” He tightened his grip on me...everywhere. I gasped as his portal clenched down around me. What the fuck was I doing? I had ripped his stitches. I was in the middle of raping him when he was injured and weakened from the painkillers. “I’m sorry....sorry.” I tried to ease myself out of his body. “...no...don’t go” I felt that whisper sweep along my bare chest. His legs tightened on me. I became aware that not only was I engaging in sleep sex, I was bare assed naked. How had I come to be this way? I had never done that in my life at least I thought I hadn’t but I couldn’t remember all of what the old Trevor had done. “Erik...” I reached behind me pulling at his ankle, trying to get him to unclench. I knew the agony he was going through. The forceful possession he had inflicted on me was still fresh in my mind. Too fresh. “Erik…” He crushed me tighter to his chest. His mouth was pressed against my ear. “Don’t stop...Trevor....please don’t stop...it’s been so long and I missed you so much.” “Erik...” I pushed against the mattress trying to get some leverage to lift off him. “I’ve waited for you for so long. Don’t pull out of me. The pain is nothing.” I could feel the strength of his body. He had used it against me so many times these past few months to show me just how weak I was compared to him. Only now, as I lay on his heated body, here on this fantastical island was I beginning to understand what he had been trying to do. The trial by fire the Devil had put him through had results that allowed him to stand on his own two feet and eventually to stand by the Devil himself. It didn’t work for me because...it was me, not the person who was Devil once upon a time in another world. All those times I fought him with every ounce of my strength I was as 141

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effective against him as a foam baseball bat against a professionally thrown fast ball, that was me not the Devil. I could feel my heart begin to pound hard as a wave of panic hit me. Then he whispered, “Treasure....please treasure me. Don’t leave me out here all alone again. I can’t bear it. Take me with you...” He tightened his body around me. The forbidden pleasure sent a shiver down my spine. He felt that resonate through my body. His tongue came out and licked at the curl of my ear then he captured my earlobe in his warm cavern of his mouth. I could feel the searing heat of his blood seeping onto my leg. “You’re still bleeding.” The crisp white sheets were stained the bright crimson of fresh blood. “You’re holding me. It doesn’t matter.” His words whispered across me ear and my body shuddered. He tightened around me. I bit back a gasp at how good that felt. “Of course it matters...let me go.” I wanted to thrash free but how could I without doing worse to him. I had forced myself on him while he lay wounded and asleep. I was a rapist. I didn’t think I was capable of such a thing but here I was. “Erik....” “I don’t care that you don’t love me. I’ll love enough for the both of us. I need you, Trevor. When you left my world shattered and the pieces I tried to put back together wouldn’t fit, they kept shifting out of place. It wasn’t the right world without you. You made me who I am...you used to love me as I am.” A kiss pressed against my neck. “You made me promise never to beg anyone to love me again. You said I was the way I was because I was meant to be with you. Please...please, please, please. I’m begging you, Treasure. I’ll be whatever you want me to be. I’m on my meds. If you want to tie me up, so you feel safe with me, I’ll submit to you. If it means that you will love me, you can wound me to keep me weak.” I recoiled and accidently hit his wound. He muffled a gasped of pain as I was telling him, “I don’t want to hurt people.” I thought how ironic that was that as I was avowing that I didn’t want to anyone and then I did anyway. He hissed in pain again as it turned the corners of his eyes and mouth pale with agony. “Then it’s just me? You ripped me apart, Trevor. I thought it would be easy once I had you back in my arms 142

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but you’re cutting me to pieces. But I’ll take it. I’ll take anything you want to give me. I can handle it. If all you want to give me is pain, I’ll take it. I deserve it. But never forget that I love you...I love you. I just existed without you.” Then he spoke the worst words a lover could whisper, “I’ll do anything for you. You can close your eyes and pretend I’m someone else...” “Erik...” What kind of hell was he living in to even suggest that? He hunched his hips forward grinding me deeper. His teeth bit into his bottom lip as the pain in his side hit him, but he did it again using his legs to thrust me into him. He whimpered in agony. “Erik...” I tried to pull my hips back, to free myself from his tangle of too warm arms and legs. Where our bodies touched it felt so right; but it was so wrong. This was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. “I love you, Trevor. If this is only what you can give, I’ll accept it. I’ll cherish every minute of it. Just stay with me please.” I thought what he had said before was bad but this was even worse. I looked down with a stricken look on my face. I didn’t have the acting skill to truly hide what I was feeling. Tears streamed steadily from his closed eyes, trailing back to his temples and ears. His beautiful lashes were dark and thick with tears. Looking into his eyes was my Achilles heel. The lost past and the current reality was crashing together in my head. The other me, the Devil, raped him and turned him into a different person. He raped me to change who I was. Now I was doing the same thing, raping a helpless person. How much of a bastard am I? I wasn’t. This isn’t me. This isn’t the me that I know. I helped old ladies carry packages. I took out neighbor’s garbage when I took my own. I walked a poufy tissue box sized dog every day when Mr. George needed knee surgery. I knew who I was. I was a good Catholic boy. I went to Church when I could. I offered up prayers to ease the suffering of others. But since I met Erik he began changing me into someone I didn’t want to be. I wasn’t a killer. I wasn’t a user. I...I wasn’t a rapist. I wasn’t but He was. The Devil was. And Erik belonged to the Devil. Azure belonged with the Devil. Did he belong with me? 143

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Fuck yes. I mean, Fuck no. I leaned forward and licked at the salty tear trail on his skin from the corner of his eye back to his ear. He went as still as a prey animal realizing that its life was in danger. I liked that. I frowned. What the hell was that? Where was it coming from? I whispered into his ear. “I am so fucked in the head when it comes to you. I don’t know who I am.” I bucked my hips forward slightly. He rewarded me with moan mixed with pleasure and pain. “You haunt me. Even when I thought I was someone else, you disturbed my nights. I thought I was going crazy. In my dreams I was hot and bothered for a man. For you. I thought I was straight. I dated women. I went out with them but I never did go to bed with them. Olga was the only one wouldn’t take no for an answer. I fucked her despite my inner desires for that warm body to be a man’s. Then you came for me, straight out of my erotic dreams and you terrorized my days...and all I want to do to you right now is this.” Erik’s death grip released slightly on my body as I began to slowly move my hips back and forth. I withdrew my hard cock a bit and slid back into his warmth. “You fucked me over because you are lost without your Devil...but he is not me. I don’t want to be the Devil. I won’t let you turn me into him. Do you hear me?” I pulled out to the tip then shoved forward until my groin was touching his to emphasize what I just said. “Nghhhh.” Erik pushed his head backwards exposing the soft skin under his chin to me. In my dreams, or fragmented memories, I would bite him. It would be a dark bruise that would only last a couple of hours because of Erik’s increased healing abilities. It was a mark of ownership. A sign of property. For all the lingering thoughts invading me saying that the Devil wanted Erik to walk with him I knew that he treated him like chattel. I wasn’t the Devil, I didn’t want a slave. I leaned forward and pressed my lips against the softness of his throat. His throat swallowed convulsively as my teeth lightly nipped his flesh. His hand came up and began to stroke the nape of my neck as if I were a favorite tabby. I didn’t bite. I couldn’t bring myself to bite. In the heat of sexual frenzy, I might leave marks and bruising but it was never intentional. I sucked a hicky on his jaw. I ran my hand down the side of his chest but stilled when my fingers felt the bandage plastered to his side. 144

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What the hell was I doing? Erik felt me still and opened his eyes. They were green. A rich emerald green that promises calmness and forgetfulness. That was the color of my dreams...a green that promised peace. Was that why the Devil wanted him? Erik gave him peace and the Devil gave him acceptance? Together they found that they were the two separate pieces of a whole, that they clicked and fit like they were born to belong to each other. “No.” Erik wrapped me up in his octopus limbs again as he felt me pull back emotionally. “Finish what you started, Trevor. You taught me that.” Actually that was something the Nuns beat into me. “Ride me.” He looked up into my face with suspicion. “I am tearing your stitches with you on your back, so, ride me.” “If I release you, you’ll run.” “I didn’t ask you to release me...just help me turn over.” What the hell was I doing? I couldn’t stop it what ever it was. I wanted this with all my twisted soul. There was a long pause then Erik pressed his tear stained face into the curve of my neck. “Is this a one time thing? Will you ever hold me again?” Honesty. He deserved bitter sweet honesty. We both did. “I don’t know, Erik. I never would have done this if I was awake. I didn’t come in here to do this to you.” “I should be content that you came to check on me at all...but I want more from you.” Slowly as if trying to catch a wild animal Erik unlatched his ankles. And let his legs slide reluctantly off my hips. His hug loosened but he kept a hand around the back of my neck. He wasn’t bleeding heavily but combined with the amount he had lost before, it wasn’t good. Even I knew that. “I’ll make it good for you. At least I can do that for you.” There was so much emotion in his voice. Probably more than he was willing to admit that he showed me. He was so different now that he was on his medication. He was more vulnerable. He was approachable. He was needy, maybe too needy. Would have he been shot if he was out being the Devil’s Advocate au natural? Did he get injured because he scared the hell out of me and did it bother him enough to keep his eye off of dangerous business id only for a moment, long enough to get shot? Did I get him shot? “Let’s make it good for both of us.” 145

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He smiled at me. That same smile from my spotty memory. I couldn’t doubt it. Those recollections were of a younger Erik. It wasn’t something he had told me and I was subconsciously building around it. Once, I was the most hated and feared man on three continents. The Devil wore my face. We turned a corner or was it we just came full circle? I allowed Erik to take the initiative on getting us turned over so he was straddling my waist. I wanted to get his wound looked after but his land closed around me. Those green eyes opened and I was mesmerized by the fiery desire burning there. It was a personally intimate thing to be locked in a lover’s gaze as Erik pressed the tip of my member up against his portal. It was hauntingly familiar how he sucked his lower lip into his mouth and his white teeth bit down as he bore into me without hesitation. He didn’t hold me down. He didn’t force me. We seduced each other. I was buried deep within his channel. The heat from his torso was comforting...and also setting off memories that were overlapping with reality. I threw myself into the pleasure that he was giving my body but my mind was not a thing to be trifled with. “Lean forward. Place your hands on the mattress.” Erik looked down at me and gave me a slight smile as he moved into position. He flattened his hands on either side of my pillow and now he was resting his weight on his knees and arms. This left me free to push up into him. He mouth opened slightly and a puff of air escaped as I thrust up into him. My mind was playing back a younger Erik as he hovered over my waist, his head tossed back with ecstasy as I piston my hips up into him. He did what I wanted. His lines were long and lean. His head held back exposing his neck and showing my mark. His shoulders back thrusting his chest forward so his nipples that were hard and dark pebbles could be suckled. He brought his hand up caressing them with the open palm of his hand. They looked more enticing as they peaked higher off his chest from the stimulation. His rippled abs contracted with each stroke I made into him.. My hands rested on his upper thighs, curling around the sides and slipping up to cup his perfect ass. His mouth hung open as my shaft stimulated him. He was not a quiet lover especially when I... “AAAAhhhhh!” He cried out as I slipped deeper into him. I answered that call as his body clenched around me. So tight. So warm. My hands caressed his skin. He was a hard body but his 146

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skin was so supple to the touch.. I could stroke my hands over him for hours on end. I think I used to. “Treasure...Treasure...” Erik’s voice was a litany. It was too much. Everything was over stimulated. I’d been raped six ways from Sunday since Erik came back into my life. He would make me cum with every encounter, or try to, but that wasn’t the same as actually being in the driver’s seat. The sensations were building and the pressure was mounting. I hadn’t touched myself in the entire month Erik was banned from me. Aside from waking up in the morning with Mr. Happy, I wasn’t a sexual being. I didn’t even jack off in the shower. This pent up energy was now trying to explode out of me. Any control that I did have was out the window as young beautiful Erik gripped me tightly in my mind and older, still beautiful Erik rode me physically. I tried to hold back but....but... aaahhhhh. I grunted as my body spasm into orgasm. I bucked uncontrollably deep into him again, and again...and one final time. I panted as I lay under him. My eyes were mere slits as I watched the blonde god writhe on my cock as he started to reach his own crisis. Blood was seeping from under his bandage. The scent of it filled the air. Blood and sex -a potent, primeval aphrodisiac. Erik began to spasm around me, clutching me so tight it was almost painful then his cum spurt out on my chest. It was hot almost like oatmeal cooked on the stove. It almost burned my skin. He left sticky trails on my skin as his orgasm played itself out. The memory of ecstasy on his face was nothing compared to the real thing. As soon as his body stopped shivering with ecstasy he slowly eased back resting on my hips while keeping me inside him. His hands were still flat on the mattress but his arms were quivering with the effort to stay hovering above me. His head hung forward and he watched me through the fringe of his oh so blonde hair. “I love you.” His voice was hoarse but the sentiment and the emotional truth was there. He loved me. His eyes were fiery as if challenging me to deny it. I can’t control what someone else is feeling. Hell, I couldn’t even figure mine out. “I want to kiss you.” Erik lowered head toward me. 147

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I turned my face from him. What the hell? Why was I balking at a kiss, for god’s sake. I just violated him in the worst way possible, yet a kiss was far too intimate for me to handle at this moment? His green eyes were still bright with lingering passion but then the pupil seemed to just swallow up the color and his eyelids fluttered. He collapsed on me in dead weight. God... I pushed at his shoulders but I couldn’t get any leverage to move him. I was still inside him. Oh Lord, I was still inside of him. I was surprised that I hadn’t shrunk and slipped out by now. I whispered into his ear, “Erik...” There was no response from him. “Erik.” My voice was a little bit firmer. I pushed at his shoulders making sure that my hands were well away from his re-opened wound. He weighed more than I did. I couldn’t get out from under him. God, I’m stuck inside of him ...like a dog. “Erik.” I tried to wriggle out from under him. I grew hard. I stilled horrified as my body took pleasure in this situation. I tried to shift his leg over. I thrust into him. Oh... I thrust again. I was hovering around the panic state but lust was driving all thoughts out of my mind. The more I struggled to free myself...I fucked him. I screwed an unconscious man. What kind of man was I? I couldn’t stop. The thwap, thwap sound of me burying my full length inside him hammered at my head. Don’t do this...don’t do....nnnngghgghhh. I came deep within him. Tears burnt my eyes. I wasn’t crying for what I did to him. I was mourning the loss of who I thought I was. Who the fuck am I? I shouldn’t have been able to do that? It should have been repugnant. I shouldn’t even have gotten aroused by it! Forcing my arms under his shoulders, I pressed up against him using the bed as leverage. I’m trying not to hurt him more than I already did. Too little, too late. “ERIK! GET OFF ME!!” Before I do it again. Antoine came into the room carrying a tray with a couple of domes on it. He dropped it as soon as he saw me pinned underneath the blonde man. “Master Trevor!” He rushed forward anger and disappointment flaring on his normally placid face. He reached for Erik’s arm to jerk him off me. No! I wrapped my arms around Erik’s shoulders and held him tightly to my chest. 148

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“Don’t hurt him!” To say stunned is an understatement. Antoine stilled in his reach. I met Antoine’s brown eyes evenly over Erik’s slumped shoulder. “I...started this. I re-opened his wound. He’s bleeding and....I’m....I’m...still inside him..” Damn, I was stuttering. I only did that when I was embarrassed. I had nothing to be embarrassed about I only raped him for gods sake, after all he had done to me what was a little rape among friends? I knew I was beet red with embarrassment. “I can’t...get...I’m stuck inside him.” “Trevor...” His voice trailed off as he realized that we were joined at the hip as it were. “Help him. He’s bleeding.” My face had been flushed from the sexing I had indulged in but it seemed to be even more crimson as Antoine had to call in Johan to get Erik off of me and me out of him without causing more damage. I could feel warm and stick fluid trailing back to coat my balls and leave a pool beneath me. I shimmied free once most of his weight was shifted. Antoine swore as he saw that the bandage was now fully soaked through. I was stained with Erik’s blood on my chest and side. “Was this consensual?” I couldn’t admit to the truth, I shook my head and looked down at the mattress like the coward I was. “Erik.” Antoine’s voice was harsh. No...I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud. How could I? This shook the foundations of my belief in who I was. Who I thought I was. How could I? I mean...I....I raped him in his sleep and when he passed out from blood loss. Johan pressed an intercom discreetly set into the wall. “Dr. Kenovich to Erik’s room. Medical emergency.” “You promised me that you would leave him alone.” Antoine berated Erik as he pulled on the paper tape keeping the gauze bandage against his flesh. He took it off with one quick yank. The whole of Erik’s torso jerked from the force of it. I laid a hand on Antoine’s forearm. “No...no...he didn’t...it wasn’t me...I mean...Erik didn’t rape me.” Antoine looked up at me and frowned. “What do you mean?” “I...I....I...” I burst into tears. What the hell was the matter with me? 149

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“I forced him...in my sleep, I was dreaming...and I made him...I made him...He’s hurt and couldn’t get away...I made him...” Jean rushed into the room just as Antoine reached for me. Erik’s hand came up and closed around Antoine’s wrist. “Don’t touch him.” It was in that deadly tone of voice that he used on me when he first kidnapped me from the bank. Emotionally and mentally I was on shaky ground to begin with. I truly felt guilty for taking Erik without his permission but guilt was not remorse. I got more than sexual satisfaction. It was like time had folded in on itself and for once my disjointed memories had touched with reality. And I craved it to happen again. I climbed shakily off the bed, naked except for Erik’s still warm and clinging ejaculate and his red, oh so red, life’s blood. I had to leave. I had to get away. “Trevor...” Jean turned to me and held his arms wide as if to corral me or spook me back into a corner. I slammed shoulder first into Olga but aside from stumbling I didn’t stop running. I didn’t look back. I didn’t know where the hell I was running to but I just had to run. Don’t know why I was crying. I don’t know why my chest was so damned tight that it felt like I was having some sort of attack. I wasn’t the one bleeding this time. His blood clung to me. I was stained. Why was I running? There was no where to go? No place to hide. There’s no place to hide when you’re running from yourself. My feet slowed and I began to stumble. I ended up grabbing onto a tree that was just the right size for hugging. I threw my arms around it and buried my forehead against the rough bark. I was one sick fuck. I tightened my grip on the unforgiving tree and let out a howl that hurt my throat. I angrily wiped the tears from my face. I wasn’t crying because I raped him. The Trevor from the bank would have been wailing and wallowing in guilt right now. I should be drowning in guilt. Why wasn’t I drowning in guilt? My legs gave out from under me and I knelt beside the tree. I wasn’t feeling guilty because Azure was mine. He was mine to do with whatever I wanted. I grabbed at my hair with both hands. AAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhhhh! My head hurt so much. The past was reaching up and dragging me into it. A younger face. An older face. Eyes the color of 150

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emeralds. Eyes the colour of a sea. While I fucked him his eyes were green. He wanted it. Just like the good boy I had taught him to be... No... NO! I am not the Devil. He’s dead. You can’t resurrect the dead no matter what Erik’s vampire book says. The Devil is dead. The world has sung his requiem. The only one who cares is Azure. I buried my hands into the sand. Azure and the Devil, Erik and Trevor. Azure and Treasure...no, that didn’t sit right. It wasn’t Azure and Treasure....it was something else. HE had called him something else when Treasure was whispered across sensitive skin. GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I don’t know how long I huddled in the shade of a palm tree. I blinked. Where the hell was I? Great. I was naked, smelling of blood and lost in the small jungle on my own island. I slumped against the trunk. The panic attack was over. Or at least the worst of it was over. Dear Lord, please let it be over. I was exhausted. Physically drained. Emotionally rendered inoperative. I never thought that I was capable of such violence. Everyone had that inner demon inside them. It was our duty to keep that creature locked within. At least that is what Father Shaunessay used to preach. I forced myself to concentrate on my breathing. I felt a little more grounded with each deep inhale and exhale. I could hear the sounds of the shoreline. It wasn’t exactly a calming tone but I was numb enough that I couldn’t break into another panic. The sun was rising above the horizon. I was all turned around. Somewhere along the way I sliced the hell out of my feet. I was rank and my skin was tight and scratchy from the blood that had dried on me. Crap. I used the tree as a crutch to get back on my feet. I winced as I limped down to the beach. This is what you get for running off like a two year old. I looked at the gently lapping waves on the beach. My stomach clenched. The blood dried on my chest and waist and...on dear lord, on my groin turned into a need to be clean. That need overpowered the stomach clench. Antoine would have been proud of me. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. The fear can be there but it doesn’t own me. It doesn’t own me. I got calf deep and stopped. Splashing water up on me wasn’t getting rid of the blood that had already dried up on my chest. It doesn’t own me. I made it waist deep. I scrubbed at my skin cleaning off Erik’s blood. 151

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Out damn spot. Out. I rubbed at my cock washing it clean. The soles of my feet were stinging but it was a pain I could live with and I looked on it as penance for what I had done. Damn it. His cum had dried to my chest and just like oatmeal, it wasn’t coming off with just brushing. I had to lower myself to my knees. The water was up to my shoulders. I rubbed at my chest, cleaning off all signs of rape. I stilled. Where the hell was that segue music to tell you something bad is about to happen? I mean look at that shark movie Jaws. Dah da, dah da, dah, da, You don’t even see the shark but the segue music tells you something bad is about to happen. So my own segue music would help me out here. Bad memories were encroaching on reality in a big way. Forced sex is never a good thing. Even before Erik’s intense courtship rounds one and two, I knew that. When you worked for yourself, you took the chances of getting fucked over, only getting stiffed if you were lucky, or fucked up and stiffed if you weren’t. Again, another life lesson that I had to graduate from. I got fucked up hard once. As I said, I am grateful that I’m not a walking infection. Once I could move again, I took some of my hard earned stash and went to a dojo. The sensei should have kicked my ass to the curb. I had set up my place of business the next block up from his and he walked by me every evening at closing time. He knew what I was and he knew how I got to be looking like death warmed over. I suspected that he was the one who called the cops and the ambulance. He never said anything about it but that was the only reason I could think of as to why I became his number one charity case. He wouldn’t take my money, cause he knew how I came by it. He wouldn’t take trade. He was actually affronted by the offer. I’d had enough of human charity in the orphanage and I wanted to pay my own way how ever I could. He just said show up and be prepared to learn. I showed up. I learned. The next time a ‘date’ got rough, he got fucked up and I still took my money that was owed. Gahhh. I raised my hands to my forehead and tried to physically force those hateful memories back down into the darkness. If it wasn’t Erik it was shit like this. I didn’t want memories if this was all I was getting. Calm....get calm. I took a 152

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deep breath and held it until my lungs began to burn. There. That’s better. Why was I only getting the bad shit coming back? My breath stilled in my chest. Was Erik the good memories? Opening my eyes I realized just how far I had come out into the ocean. I can do it! I blinked as dark ripples under the water approached me. Shit. Crap. Damn it! Sharks can smell blood miles away. Oh crap. I began to back towards the beach. Thrashing around wouldn’t help. A dark shadow came close to my legs. My heart was pounding in my ears so loud. Run, run away now. Run. Fear didn’t own me. It doesn’t own me. I won’t let it own me. The shadow suddenly broke the surface of the water and I got a gun butt to the side of the head. Fear didn’t own me but panic did. Water closed over my head and filled my nasal cavity. I flailed and hand caught my arm jerking me upwards. I coughed and gagged and saw two of everything. Men in scuba gear. I got dragged up the beach and across the sands to the tree coverage. There were twelve of them…or six. We humped deeper into the jungle where I got thrown on my back. A hand came over my mouth and the edge of a blade rested at my throat. “One sound and I’ll slit your throat.” His tone told me that he wasn’t fucking around. “TREVOR!” A voice echoed along the beach. Jean walked along the beach calling my name. He paused for a moment at the spot where everyone had left the water then cupped his hands around his mouth. “TREVOR!” Those were his last words. There was a thippt sound and he crumpled to his knees. He fell forward and laid ominously still. Jean! “Target has been confirmed.” One of the scuba gear clad men walked up to my knife wielding assailant and held a photograph up to my face. “Repeat target identity has been confirmed and target as been acquired.” “Casualties?” The man was close enough that I could hear the man on the other end of the walkie-talkie clearly. He had a slight English accent, his language was unbearably proper. “He was alone. One guard down. Request further instruction.” The sound was nothing but silence for a moment. “Secure target. Return to rendezvous point. Expect pick up in 10 minutes.” A gag was forced into my mouth and tied tight around the back of my head. My hands were zip tied behind my back. “You 153

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cause problems, you get carried over my fucking shoulder and you won’t like it very much, clear?” I nodded my head as much as a knife under the chin would allow. I didn’t know if Jean was alive or dead and I was surprised that I cared either way but I really didn’t want him dead. He hadn’t done anything bad to me. I got jerked to my feet by a hand tight around my upper arm. The rest of the invasion force had already moved back toward the beach. Finally I could see that there were six of them. I was dragged along ripping my feet open more. He jerked on my arm again and I felt the zip tie bite deep into my wrist, I could feel moisture, my wrists were bleeding. I lashed out with my heel at my captor’s knee joint. I heard the crack as I broke his knee. I made about three steps away from the group then I heard a loud crack as another gun butt bounced off the scar on my skull. Fuck it hurt! I saw the sand and scrub grass rush up to meet my face then there was nothing but darkness and the lingering scent of blood.

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Lesson Ten: Past is Present

T

he air was stale. It was re-circulated to air conditioned coolness, but it wasn’t the crisp freshness that I had gotten used to. My body felt heavy. Slowly I opened one eye and focused looking up at an oak beam and plaster ceiling. Now that was not the island. Even though I was the only one in the room it felt as if a hand was pressing my head back into the pillows. I was finally able to shift my head enough to look across the bed, I was covered with a sheet. An Egyptian crimson cotton duvet was folded back across my hips. I was alone and trying to gather my thoughts to remember what had happened? Where was the crisp white room of my island prison? Then I remembered part of it and I felt panicked, I tried to assess my condition. My throat was dry. I ran my tongue over my lips slightly surprised that they were weren’t chapped. I vaguely remember throwing up repeatedly. Actually, more non-stop than repeatedly. That was the result of being slammed hard in the temple with a gun butt and fear of the water slapping at the rubber sides of the boat. So much for not letting fear conquer me. Where the hell was I now? My head throbbed. My vision kept doing carnival glass wavy fades then snapping back into 20/20 vision. I have a concussion. Every time I tried to move my head the throbbing increased. It was easier to lay still. I concentrated on breathing evenly while trying to deal with a big bass drum pounding inside my skull.

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Boom, boom, BOOM. Something but clicked inside me and I had to get up and out here. It was a strong fight or flight instinct. I panicked and struggled to stand and get to the window. I don’t know what I was thinking? I couldn’t raise my head off the pillow so why the hell was I trying to stand? Now I lay in a crumpled heap beside the bed. The carpet was soft against my cheek. I think I passed out before I hit the floor. It could have been minutes later. It could have been hours for all the sense of time I had but hands dragged me back up onto the bed. I wasn’t tossed as easily as the henches would but I still ended up in cushiony softness. I felt the covers get tucked around me until I was swaddled, and almost totally immobile. A cool hand stroked over my forehead and slid down my cheek. I opened my eyes a slit. The light was bright and stabbed into my skull. I groaned and tried to turn my head away from the touch. I was too weak to do that. “My dear boy, I must apologize for the lack of manners of my escort team, however, you did start by breaking knee caps.” A hand cupped my chin and a thumb opened my eye lid wider. The light was too bright and everything was a fuzzy shadow inn tones of grey. “They certainly did a number on your head. Don’t slip into a coma on me, Tre-don. If I take you to a hospital it’s right back to the loony bin for you.” “Shut up...” I groaned then moaned as my own voice rattled my swollen brain. “Nice to see that your manners still need improvement.” The voice was heavily accented with a German flavor. “Your voice...too loud.” I was too weak to even lift my hand up to cover my eyes. A cool wet towel was laid across my forehead. Ah, that was nice. The sheets were pulled back to my waist, nice again to be released from that tight swaddled bond, then fingers pulled the buttons free from my pajama top. Hands began to smooth over my skin on my chest and stomach. They were cold. Weren’t they supposed to be warm? Why weren’t they warm? “I always thought your skin would freckle if you ever went out into the sunlight. How do you stay out of the sun while on that island , my boy?” “What?” Weakly I brought my hand up and pushed at his hand. He shouldn’t be touching me. This wasn’t Erik. Only Erik could touch me... “Berühren Sie nicht mir!” 156

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His hands left my chest. “Dort sind. That will be enough for now. Be a good boy, Tre-don. The MRI didn’t show anything major but based on what you survived before, I really don’t think your skull can take another hard knock. This includes bouncing it off the floor.” “Wer?” “Later, boy. I do hate to have to repeat myself.” “Wh...” “Later.” Telling myself to get up and get out of this new prison was all fine and dandy but my body wasn’t listening. Sleep seemed to be the thing it wanted to do right now, so I let it pull me down into nightmares I thought were far behind me.

Winter was a shitty time to try and pick up dates. You can either be warm in a second hand puffy Michelin man coat or you can show some skin. Either way you get passed by or you flirt with frostbite especially on nights like this. There was a wind chill warning but after the sixth car cruised on passed, I knew that I was going to have to go for option number two dress-wise. No jacket and exposed skin, especially my lower belly. Older fucks really like that. Maybe because their paunch covered over that bit of them. I was itchy down there too. That score three days ago had paid a couple of hundred to shave me...no, that wasn’t right, it was to watch me shave myself. It was an easy date. He jerked himself. I didn’t have to touch him. Creepy took the razor with him. Different strokes for different folks. I grinned then grimaced as the cold hit my teeth. Unless there was a car idling in front of me, I wasn’t taking off my coat. I wouldn’t even be out here tonight but the damned rent was due. I didn’t care if the landlord was willing to take it in trade, I wasn’t letting that rancid bastard near me. Glancing up and down the street told me my luck was running out. Snow had started falling lightly. It looks great on TV, but it kills traffic. None of the closet fuckers want to get into a fender bender and then have to try and 157

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explain how they got it down in fag alley. My stomach growled. I still had the couple of hundred on me. It was supposed to go towards rent but I wasn’t going to make anything tonight. Normie, a fellow hustler, had warned me not to make installments on the rent. Rancid bastard had a habit of keeping it for himself. No full payment of rent, no receipt. No receipt, you got evicted all legal like. A hand written receipt on piece of the corner of a newspaper meant shit. My ears perked up as I heard a car crunching in the snow. A long black sedan with tinted windows cruised past the intersection. Fuck this. I stamped my feet. I was cold and I was hungry. Everything I needed was on my back anyway. Maybe I should hop a bus and head somewhere warmer. I didn’t have to stay in this godforsaken town. Dear ole’ mom fucked off after she dropped me out of the womb. Why the hell am I hanging around here hoping that maybe someone might recognize me? Right, like some thirtysomething woman would see a red headed male prostitute and fall to her knees to re-claim me now that her life was settled. It was an orphan’s wish-on-a-star fantasy. I was too fucking old to be wishing for things. I’m all officially legal now; turned 18 two days ago. Yeah, wishing is a waste of energy. If I want something to happen, I’m going to have to make it happen. Nothing comes for free. I hunched my shoulders up to attempt to cover my ears. I turned and began shuffling down the street. Considering it was a city ordinance to have the sidewalks clear, I guess nobody was enforcing it. Or, more likely, who the hell cared what happened down in the core. The trendy stuck to the suburbs and the well lit cafes. I was the last one off the street. The others had gotten lucky or recognized a lost cause and hustled back out of the wind, cold, slush and snow to a warm room somewhere. Not me. I was made of tougher stuff. More likely, I had a warmer coat. There was a bar up the street a couple of blocks over that kept their kitchen open till two a.m. I headed there, they knew me and unless I tried to work inside or order a drink (Cause, quote “I don’t lose my license for nobody”), I was tolerated. Halfway there was an electronic store with so many security bars on the windows it was hard to see the TV’s. I stood there as a commercial popped up showing a woman absolutely glowing as a smiling man held up a diamond solitaire. My hand clenched in my pocket. What the hell 158

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was I thinking? I wanted that. Here I am wishing again. Prostitutes don’t get marriage proposals. Male prostitutes definitely don’t get marriage proposals. I pivoted on my heel and stopped. That long black car that had gone cruising by was parked behind me. It was quiet. I didn’t even hear it crunch on the snow covered roadway. That goes to show me how caught up I can get in my stupid little fantasies. A tall man in a long back wool overcoat stood by the back door of the stretch and opened it. For me? My spy-dee sense was tingling. You learn to rely on that little panic button when you set yourself up as an independent contractor. You don’t listen to it. You get fucked up. I looked at the man’s face but it was emotionless -- even his eyes were unreadable. Most of the time I can see the disgust in the date’s eyes even as they grunt over me. I turned back towards the bar. “Tre-don.” He called out my street name. You don’t use your real name so my moniker was the first three letters from my first and last name. Trevor Donahue, orphan to Tre-don, the street whore. “Do you really wish to stay out in this weather tonight?” He had a way of talking that was sort of upper crust America. I wouldn’t call it an accent but I could tell that he wasn’t a local. I shoved my hands in the front pockets and straightened my shoulders. I was tall. I could do with more meals but I could cut a dangerous figure if I needed to. Right now, I felt like I needed to show that I wasn’t a push over. “I have a feeling that if I get into that car of yours, I might not ever see the light of day.” “Do you not take that chance every time to get into a stranger’s car?” I wasn’t about to argue with the man. I stared at him for a second then turned on my heel. I continued on hunching my shoulders forward against the sudden blast of Canadian arctic wind. Why was it always a Canadian arctic wind that got blamed for this bitter cold? Did the Canadians call it an Alaskan cold front? I walked away but my senses were on high alert. The door closed and I glanced back to see the car pull away from the curb. I didn’t even know my shoulders were tensed so tightly. It wasn’t until I had a home made hamburger that was thick and mixed with onion soup mix so it had the tang that I liked and fresh cut fries 159

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smothered in gravy that I started to relax. The cigarette smoke and the stale smell of beer filled my nostrils but the air was warm and my finger tips, toes and ears were starting to thaw. “Tre-don. May I join you?” I turned my head and found the same man who held the door open to that big black monstrosity. He slid into the seat beside me and looked at the mess I was eating. His expression never changed but I could sense the mild disgust at my meal choice. “My employer has sent me with a proposition to offer you.” The bartender slapped the bar top and pointed his thick finger at me. “Kid, I said you work here, your ass is out in the snow bank.” “I am not procuring his services for my use.” The man returned easily. He slipped out of his coat to reveal a three piece suit and tie. I could tell the difference between off the rack and this. Custom job. Tailored. Silk tie. The man never even brushed at the flakes of snow that clung to his dark brown hair. He stood out in this place because it looked like he was driving and wearing more than the establishment was worth. I took a big bite of my burger and chewed it thoroughly before gesturing at him. “You don’t look like a social worker.” “Hardly. Bourbon, straight up and...” He arched an eye brown at my dark brown frothy mug of root beer, “...another of whatever Tre-don is drinking.” The bartender snapped a bar towel over his shoulder. “Root beer. Don’t serve underage here.” “That is good to hear. Keep the change.” Mr. Suit paid with a hundred dollar bill, peeled from a money clip full of hundreds. I’d seen the money roll trick before, roll up some one’s wrap a twenty around it. Hell, I got taken in with that once. Once. Mr. Suit didn’t look like he needed to scam anyone. The next bill under that hundred he handed over was another hundred. He didn’t look like he needed to impress. I took a couple of fries and swirled them through my gravy. “I think your EMPLOYER needs to shop a bit more high end.” “You can call me Eldon.” He accepted the tumbler of golden brown liquor. He sniffed at it and then took a sip. “Mr. Eldon.” I took a swig of my root beer. I should have gotten coffee or hot chocolate to warm my core. I’ll get some after I drive this guy off. 160

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“No, just Eldon.” “Like just Jeeves?” I was trying to be smart. Hell, I watched PBS when I was at the orphanage. “Somewhat. My employer has watched you struggle, Tre-don and finally has decided to, take you in, as a matter of speaking.” Well wasn’t this civilized. Usually I just bent over, stuck my ass up in the air and smiled as I asked if you wanted a date. I guess this is own the upper crust gets their jollies. “In a matter of speaking, who the fuck is your employer?” I scarfed down some scaling hot fries trying to show how uncouth I was. I tried to keep the pain of the burn passing down my throat off my face. “I have been instructed that until you agree, his name will remain a secret.” “I don’t take charity, Eldon. I’ve had enough of that.” The orphanage. The dojo. I swear I had a big “save me” sign tattooed on my forehead. No matter how many tried to shove a halo on my head, I wasn’t having any of it. Eldon took another drink of that vile stuff then glanced over at the bottle it came from. He turned back towards me, “This is an offer of employment.” “I don’t need a pimp.” Eldon turned toward me. “Where do you see yourself in three years, Tre-don? Still out on the street? Hustling to try and meet rent? Getting attacked and raped, again? Maybe next time you won’t be so lucky.” I lost my appetite. I didn’t need to have this Eldon character see how shook up I still was about that. I fought them. Fancy moves didn’t work when you take a two by four to the back of the head. I fought those three fuckers has hard as I could and I still got beaten and raped repeatedly. They didn’t see it that way, neither did the ambulance attendants nor the cops...nor the rape counselor. I got paid. Three twenties were shoved up my pillaged ass... “Tre-don.” He touched the back of my hand. I reacted quickly. My fingers closed over the dull dinner knife that came with my meal and I brought it up to his throat. The food had turned to ash in my mouth and my stomach was threatening to toss my cookies. Sensei had been teaching me but I still had the gut reactions of a rabid dog. 161

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“This is a legitimate offer to get you off the streets.” He was calm. His eyes didn’t even waver from mine as I pressed the blade a little harder on his skin. “Kid....put it down.” The bartender lifted a hand towards us as our little drama suddenly became the toast of Broadway. All eyes in this place focused on us. I could barely cut crusty buns with this knife but there must have been something on my face, in my eyes that informed everyone that I was fucking serious. “I’ve heard that before. Normie heard that one. He thought he was finally getting what he deserved when some three piece suit kept picking him up every Friday night. They found Normie in bloody pieces under the Fifth Street Bridge. They still haven’t found his cock.” “Kid!” The noise of the bar died to anticipatory silence. “Don’t do this.” “Are you refusing my employers generous offer?” Eldon was as cool as a cucumber. I wouldn’t have been so calm if there was a knife at my throat. Hell I was holding the knife and I wasn’t calm. “I’m leaving this fucking place. I’m out of this town forever.” “That I cannot allow. I was not given an option of failure.” My arm was knocked back as Eldon kicked my stool out from under me. I braced for impact on the crappy wooden floor. I ended up stretched out face first on the bar with him pressed hard against me. His hand ran along my jaw and he pushed down hard on a little notch just past my mouth. Pain flared up into my face and down my neck then I dropped into darkness.

Awareness seeped into me slowly just like one of the leaky faucets filling up a chipped enamel washbasin back at the orphanage. My head ached but it wasn’t a big bass drum anymore; it was down to the agony of a wicked hangover. I opened my eyes and 162

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found myself draped artfully over a mound of pillows on a queen sized bed. It was something like every princess in every story book had been drawn to pose as while waiting for her rescue by the handsome prince. It should have been girly but it wasn’t. I glanced around the room slowly. Everything around me screamed money and class. There was still the lovely strangeness of the concussion as my vision swam. That dream was a timeless memory. I was able to tell now when it was a disjointed dream and when it was a memory. Again, timeless because I had no context to the rest of the black hole that is my head but it was clear. Really clear. 3-D clear. The kidnapping triggered this. Erik wasn’t there in my flashback. He wasn’t even hinted at. I was getting tired of my head playing mind games with me. That was funny. I let out a chuckle. It didn’t hurt so I started laughing. It was either that or I start crying. I think it was a side effect of having my brains scrambled yet again. I was still laughing when the door across the room opened and a cadre of men came in. One carried towels. Another looked like he was a barber. A tray was wheeled in pushed by yet another man following after them. HE was outside of my crispness of vision. There was a déjà vu of a younger face overlapping the current reality. I met him when I was eighteen. I’m thirty-two now...so that was fourteen years ago? I haven’t seen him for seven years. He should have changed more than he had. Shouldn’t he? He walked forward in his perfectly tailored suit, crisp white shirt and silk tie. He was dressed like a man of influence but he wasn’t. He worked for a man of influence. Still he was the Man’s right hand man so he had a big budget to make sure that he looked damned good. He had changed. He had gotten more distinguished over the last years—if that was at all possible. “Tre-don. Do we need to renew our acquaintance?” His voice was the same as the one that spoke to me in my dream, er, memory. Eldon. A one word name. Like Madonna. Like Cher. Like me. “Is Jean dead?” Eldon folded his forearms over his chest as he stood at the end of the bed. “Non-lethal incursion. An instantaneous paralyzing tranquilizer. It was a good field test of our new pharmaceutical. Tredon Industries is still the leader in innovation in the pharmaceutical world even though you took a runner on him. Now, 163

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are you going to be good or do you need to escorted?” He placed a stress on the word escort. Nothing had changed with him. I was still regarded as the street corner whore. “I need to be escorted.” Not that I was trying to be an ass but I felt so damned weak. I didn’t need to be slamming my head off the berber carpet, again. Over the years, I’ve learned to pick my battles. He approached and pulled on my chin angling my face up to stare into my eyes. “I don’t think that this is a side effect of the drug. You are and yet, you aren’t. He said that you were a new person. I thought he was looking at you through rose-colored glasses again. I have to concur. He is right. You couldn’t act your way out of paper bag.” Him? Vague memories of someone trying to talk to me. Touching me. It wasn’t Erik. The hand was cool to the touch. Nothing. It was a big blank. Why would I pick up memories on Eldon but not this mysterious employer? “He?” “You truly don’t remember Henrich Audric?” Eldon tightened his grip on my face. His pale blue eyes stared into mine. I couldn’t lie to him. Why did I know that he would be able to tell if I tried? “How about Henry?” Nothing. No flutter of recognition. No involuntarily muscle tension. Henrich Audric. The name mentioned absolutely nothing to me. “How about Father?” Eldon still held my face. “I’m an orphan. I don’t have a father.” “No, Henry isn’t your father, not in the traditional sense but once upon a time, you called him Father. You broke his heart when you ran away, Tre-don. You wounded his soul when you turned into that menace called ‘The Devil.’ You should see the shrine that he built for you when the world reported you were killed. A shrine in memory of someone, we both know that you never were.” His face went all wonky and the sound of a train filled my ears. Darkness began to call to me again but I still heard Eldon’s quiet voice. “I will not allow you to hurt Henry like that again, Tre-don. I’ll kill you myself if it comes to that.” God, I used to be such a winning personality. It still didn’t tell me where the hell I was and why I called someone who I think touched me in a familiar and possessive way, 164

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Father. Erik...where are you now? I’m sorry I raped you. Even if you did want it, it wasn’t right. I’m not who you think I am. I’m not who this Eldon thinks I am. I’m still not sure who I am but I do know my name. It sure as hell isn’t Tre-don. I am Trevor. Just Trevor. I knew Eldon was still holding my face and his voice was fading in and out but I couldn’t make out any of the sounds. Darkness engulfed me and this time, oblivion wrapped me in her ever loving arms. My final thoughts were of blue green eyes and hair the color of ripened wheat.

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arcolepsy. I think I had it now from too many blows to the head, the only other explanation was that I was fragile. I don’t know what would be worse, an illness or being shown that I was weak. I kept fainting, every time I tried to move into a vertical position I ended up passing out. A few times I crashed to the floor, the rest of the time I was highly supervised and I was caught before I hit something unforgiving. The rate I was going I was going to need a padded room as my permanent residence or a crash helmet just to keep from doing myself serious harm. I was like one of those fainting goats—I get kidnapped and I pass out, I get kidnapped again, I pass out again. If so, then I guess I just have to stop getting kidnapped. Easier said than done. I might not know exactly who I am but there are others out there who apparently do and are standing in line to get a chance at me. Unlike Erik and his magnetic cuffs of rape and ecstasy and Dr. Olga with her big case of pharmaceuticals, Eldon started off with hulks one through four who accompanied me everywhere. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom in private, not since I rapped my face off the tiles once. Not even knocking myself unconscious, for long anyway, and now I was supervised constantly, everywhere I go for my protection from whirling walls and assassins.

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Round the clock protection and then I was graced with a side order of ‘Eldon the Magnificent’ every morning and afternoon. He usually ushered in a round of medicinal poking and prodding. Any resistance was easily thwarted by the hulks. After being hauled to a private clinic and run through a CT scanner, everyone breathed a little easier that there wasn’t any bleeding under the skull or within the brain tissue. Everyone included me as well. So the final diagnosis was post concussive syndrome. Headaches, dizziness and difficultly concentrating were all part and parcel of the syndrome. Combine that with the titanium plate screwed into my skull, it was more than enough to keep me off balance and weak enough to be easily shepherded around. It must be nice to be rich. Kidnap strangers off the street or off a private island and have henchmen men hold them against their will. Erik did it. This Henrich, who ever he was, did it. Apparently, I was the inspiration, the end all, be all person to kidnap, the Holy Grail of the trend. You kidnap me and you get the Jackpot. Or was this just a case of being hoisted with my own petard or rather the Devil’s petard, except that the petard in question belonged to both of us since the Devil and I are apparently one and the same. The way my Karma was working, it probably was just that, whoever I was, we were screwed. Apparently between the two of us we still had a heck load of bad karma to work off. I was still considered dangerous so it was always a ratio of four to one with my hulks and me. How dangerous can one be when he has to hang onto the bedpost to stand upright? The days were broke up into blood work; CT scans, can’t do a MRI with a metal plate in my head, and lots of assisted walking. I had thrown a holy shit fit when Eldon shown up with a walker. After falling down and rapping my skull on the corner of a credenza, resulting in enforced bed rest strapped to a gurney, until the team of medical doctors gave me the okay to get up, I took to shuffling around behind it with no complaint. It was a little less demeaning than hanging on the walls or off a hulk. Medical discussion continued around me as if I was the lab gerbil who couldn’t understand what they were talking about. And really, they might as well have been speaking in Latin because I didn’t get a damned word they said in medical-speak except for ‘El Diablo.” Not Latin or medical-speak but I got it. 167

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When they finally got tired of sticking things into me or tapping my joints, and shining flashlights in my eyes, I got a blood thinner. Take one little pill every morning and no more e-ticket rides to concussionville. Well, maybe to unconsciousville. My winning personality was going to keep my timeshare to concussionville paid up and available. I think this was all done within seven days. I am only going on that time frame by the elaborate meals I was served in the bedroom. This seven day conjecture was also dependant on how long I was unconscious. One day? Two or Three? I had a bruise the size of Texas on the back of my hand from the intravenous that had been taped there. I was physically weak. Could it have been five? Seven? Erik must be going crazy looking for me. The only thing I could do was submit to it all and get stronger even if I wanted to escape back to the island and Erik. That thought made me wonder if I was really crazy. I was helpless until I stopped dropping in a faint like those stupid goats and I could bench press more weight than a spoon and fork. No TV. No newspapers. I didn’t even get books or magazines. I was just supposed to be laying there like Sleeping Beauty in the enforced twilight gloom because once in a while on top of everything else I found myself light sensitive to the point of developing a blinding headache. What the fuck? I was the damsel in distress. Please, someone come rescue me and I was surprised to find that the someone I wished for was Erik. I guess it was a case of better the devil you know. I learned that Henry, who ever the Hell he was, was not happy that my head had been used as a butt stop and that Macho Man, the one who had done so was gone. He was among the missing as an object lesson or else he booked before Eldon or Henry got a hold of him, I didn’t know which and I didn’t give a damn. I also learned that Jean was probably Ok, that the dart that dropped Jean was meant for me. No muss, no fuss, no concussion. Since my head was made into fuss, people talked as if I wasn’t there so I learned a lot without asking. I think Henry was someone I was supposed to know but I haven’t seen him, or I don’t remember seeing him or didn’t recognize him anyway if I did, since I’ve been wherever here was. 168

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Short term memory loss is to be expected, so said the men in white. Eldon’s men in black were well trained. They didn’t speak to me. They only talk to each other when absolutely necessary so I learned absolutely nothing from them even if they were my most constant companions. They wore black wayfarer shades so they could have been sleeping standing up like horses, when they were on guard in my room for all I knew. Eldon was the only one who came into my room regularly until I would start making loud demands to be released and swearing at him. Eldon took that as his signal to leave. But before he would he would look at me as if I was the lowest, most disgusting punk in the world, clench his hands into fists and leave without another word. I would be back to staring across the room alone. I felt such blinding rage when he would come in and start telling me what to do, what to wear, to finish eating that. I wasn’t a teenager. He wasn’t my father. He couldn’t tell me what to do. He might be able to make me do what he wanted but he needed the Hulks to do it. At least fighting with Eldon meant there would be a few minutes less of this fucking boredom. I would yell obscenities at him until I could no longer hear his footsteps down the hallway; entertainment for the day over again. Until then I never thought I had a temper. At the bank nothing could shake me up, at least not until I was kidnapped and tried for bank robber. But until then I was well liked because I minded my own business, stayed on everyone’s good side, did more than my share of the work. I guess it was not that everyone liked me as much as that no one saw me as a threat. Everyone saw me as a boring pushover to shove their extra work onto but I think they liked me too, at least that was the hope I used to cling to. But I didn’t have a temper then. I never got angry or irritated or even mildly annoyed. My personality was almost nonexistent, my temper along with it. Somewhere deep inside I must have known that when you want to disappear you become the exact opposite of who you used to be. From being the biggest badist bastard on the planet, in order to disappear I turned into Trevor the soppy milk toast or like, yah, Trevor Howell. I was like a chameleon, blend in, become invisible, 169

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part of the background and you don’t do that with a temper or a sense of humor. When I was finally exposed for who I really was it was hard to believe that I was a manipulative son-of-a-bitch with ulterior motives for everything I did. Apparently I did nothing if I couldn’t benefit from it somehow not to mention I was a ruthless, heartless, soulless, merciless and a predatory bastard. This just leads me to think of what the hell I had done to make Erik love me. Well, I think I fucked his head harder than I did his body. I made him dependent on me, physically, with my demand for him to have a perfect body despite the drug dependence the effort cost him, with my arrogance, that he be a shadow image of me, a devil to walk in my foot steps, and emotionally when I made myself his world. I destroyed who he was, took everything and everyone he knew away from him, filled the void with me and he loved me for it. Now, this Henry wanted to steal me from Erik or from myself I can’t figure out which, or perhaps Henry was the first one who got a douse of the devil-on-training-wheels, or maybe he created the Devil? Am I the runaway creation of this man, the Pinocchio to his Puppet Maker? This man who brought me here had yet to make an appearance. Apparently he was someone from before the Devil even, back to that pathetic creature, the whore with my face that haunted my dreams when I was the Devil? Funny to think that even the Devil might have had his devils. From what I could gather from Eldon’s brief conversations before I went off on him Henry was the mysterious employer who sent him to get me off the streets, by bribe or by more nefarious means. From our brief conversations, I gathered that Henry was old, foreign money maybe even secret eastern block government funded once upon a time. He came over from Europe when communism was taking the last kick at the can. Some government medical officioso some thing like that. He had a talent with chemicals that could make beneficial medicines, deadly toxins for militia use or exotic designer narcotics. Take a guess where he made the money that paid for the private nurses and doctors and hulks who made up my world right now. From the way Eldon tells it, it was my red thatch of hair in the bright, cold sunlight that first caught Henry’s attention. Not too 170

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many red headed boy whores out on the streets in thong inspired jean cut offs. He had me investigated thoroughly. What I couldn’t find out about my origins, he did. The name of my mother was Dominque Symthe. Classy sounding name. She was a junkie. I was some john’s brat that she was too high to get rid of before it was too late. Apparently she just squatted someplace one day and out popped me. I was lucky she squatted at the steps of the orphanage otherwise...I wouldn’t have had this fun filled life. She was found dead from an overdose six months after having me. She was buried at the expense of the city in a pauper’s grave. Apparently Henry had the plot location if I wanted to go and visit. I think the sentiment I hold today was the same as when I first learned this. I’ll visit her when she comes and visits me. Symthe is not a surname I’ll be trying out anytime soon. Apparently I had taken on Audric for a bit, as this Henry adopted me when I was twenty. I didn’t understand it. I couldn’t wrap a reason why he would do that, around my mushy little noggin. I was street trash from day one. Why would this Henry even bother with me after he fucked me? If he wanted exclusivity, well, he had Eldon to keep my punk ass in line. There was no reason to give me his name, I suspected that was what Eldon held against me the most. There are times I was glad I was confined to the bed. I was so fucking confused. Just when I think I am getting the missing pieces of the jigsaw that is my life together, I realize that its not a table puzzle, it’s a fucking 3-d puzzle that just builds and builds higher and higher. I don’t have the box and I have no clue what the hell I’m building. Right now, it looks like Dante’s inferno. “Abandon all hope ye who enter here.” Eldon presented facts to me unadorned and in your face. Henry adopted me legally. I can’t recall anything about it, I just have a feeling that I wasn’t picked off the streets to become his son. I was ‘procured’ because he saw my red hair and got a stiffy that wouldn’t go away. I was alone in the world and no one would care if I disappeared. I frowned. Henry was a predator of the worse order. So why isn’t he predatoring all over me now? Was I scary? Or was I scary now because I used to be? Chicken or the egg? 171

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Chicken crosses the road to get the egg? Or to get laid? I was going to send myself to the loony bin legitimately if I kept doing this. My day just got lively as Eldon arrived with his entourage, this time one of them was carrying a dress bag. Inside was a natty navy blue three piece suit and in another bag was all the accessories that went with it. “Henry would like you to meet him for lunch.” “In public?” I frowned. I hadn’t been overly dizzy the last couple of days and yesterday I managed to get around fine without the old man walker. The doctors kept saying it should lessen as time went on, I guess time just went on. “You do have manners. At least you used to.” “You taught me?” “Heavens, no. I do believe it was a Sister Katherine.” The birdlike face of an older woman came to the surface. She was strict and stern. God’s word was the law but if anyone messed with her nest of orphans they tasted her wrath. She died not long before I left the orphanage. I remember I missed her very much. She was the closest thing to a mother that I had. I quit taking it so hard to heart that some memories came back unbidden and others stayed away. I still had nothing of Henry. I glanced over to him. “I thought I wasn’t supposed to be seen because I’m dead and all that. Twice over.” “Good of you to remember. Henry is keeping you safe right now. Actually safer than your Mr. Howell could at this moment.” There was a tone of censure in his accented voice. I snapped my head around ready to round on him for his remarks and caught Eldon’s eyes on me. “You would have never shown any sort of emotion like that for anyone before your accident, Trevor. You viewed it as a sign of weakness.” “Shown you what emotion?” I narrowed my glare at him ignoring the other staff. “Fear.” I tried to blank my expression. Fear? Eldon continued on in his usual British carry on fashion. “Is it because of him or for him though? Hmmm? That I haven’t figured out yet.” What? “You must have figured out for yourself by now that Howell endangered you. You would have been safe from your enemies if your little Blonde lover had let you build the life you 172

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wanted. The Devil destroyed banks, he didn’t work in them. The dark intelligence that was your trademark is gone...” I let anger take over, “So, I’m stupid now?” “You’re not stupid. Henry doesn’t do stupid. You’re naïve. When Henry picked you out of the snow he didn’t think you were stupid; he sure as hell didn’t think so when he sent you to M.I.T. and when he adopted you as his son and made you his sole heir. You still remember nothing of him?” “Been over this.” “Leave us.” Eldon’s voice was polite but it brooked no dallying. The rest of the staff buggered out of the room leaving just me and him and the goons at the door. “You do know you were the Devil right? Mr. Howell did not strike me as someone who would allow you to wallow in self-delusion.” “I can’t deny it.” “But you didn’t remember anything but Mr. Howell, not Henry or any of this?” “I don’t even know if he’s real now for crap sake.” I was exasperated. “Well, let me spell this out for you, Trevor. Mr. Howell brought your face back to the limelight with his little Golden Goose heist stunt. Working in a bank can be ignored, dismissed even. Robbing a bank, can’t. Mr. Howell was shot because his underworld colleagues believe that you are alive and well and flaunting your lover in their face as your puppet. They think that Mr. Howell is nothing but your lapdog and you are still the true power behind the throne. They are trying to draw you out. As you are now...you would be a puppy tossed into a pit to dog fight. Mr. Howell can be vicious, he can be more vicious than you surprisingly, but he can only see what is in front of him…and that, dear orphan, is you.” “What are you saying?” “You are alive because of Henry’s good graces. He dragged you out of the gutter once and gave you a chance at a better life. You fucked him over and built...Mr. Howell. Henry allowed you into his heart. He called you son and you upped and left him. You hurt him, Trevor. You wounded him deeply. I never want to see him go through that again. Not over you.” His lip curled as if he was smelling garbage. I was getting tired of being tired, and scared and unconscious and picked on for someone who was dead and gone. I was the 173

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Devil, once upon a time. I’m not him anymore. Even if Eldon didn’t want to acknowledge it, he said it. As I am now. As I am now, I can’t survive in their world. I’m not that man anymore. Still didn’t mean I was a door mat. “So why the fuck did you bother ‘securing’ the target for that bastard?” I thought my head was going to rocket off my neck and slam into the far wall. Eldon hit me hard and quick. I never even had a chance to defend myself because I didn’t see this coming. To top it off, Eldon followed up by forcing my stinging face down into the mattress and pinning me there with a forearm across my neck. “You might have forgotten a lot of things, Trevor, but if I have to beat manners back into you, I will. Henry will not tolerate profanity.” I couldn’t breathe. “Now, you will get up, put on that suit and make your way down to the car in less than fifteen minutes. Am I in any way, unclear?” Eldon let me go. I pulled my face out of the smothering comforter. Eldon grabbed my hand and twisted my wrist back. Hot agony shot up my arm and exploded in my skull. “Am I clear?” “Yeah!” “Slang is not appropriate.” “Yes!” I screeched. It felt like he broke my wrist. “Yes, what?” “Yes, Eldon.” He let me go. “Fifteen minutes, Tre-don.” “My name is Trevor.” I cradled my hand to my chest. My fingers moved but... Eldon reached down and buried his fist in my hair. He pulled me upright and looked at the handprint forming on my face. His eyes were emotionless as usual. It was hard to come to terms that he could just snap and there was nothing there to telegraph that it was about to happen. His mouth crinkled into an indulgent quirk of the lips. “At this moment in time, with your faulty mental facilities, you are nothing more than a body to Henry. Talented, you used to be. Are you now? Maybe. Beautiful, yes; but in the end, you are still little more than the punk shivering out in the snow banks trying to turn a trick. So, Tre-don, until you can prove you have worth as something else...you’re just a bed warmer.” 174

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He dropped me back to the bed. Eldon walked to the door and allowed the other assistants inside. “Make him presentable. He is meeting Mr. Audric at the Golden Truffle for lunch. Do something with the hair...it’s undignified.” With that statement, Eldon disappeared and the magical mystical timer stated the count down. Apparently everyone else found Eldon super scary as well. So much for being careful around the post concussive syndrome patient. My headache came back with a jackhammer as a tagalong. I was silently grateful that my vision and perception seemed to be fine. I was groomed like a pampered dog. An ice bag was discreetly settled on my wrist as scissors and an electric razor was brought out and my shaggy mutt appearance was altered. They ended up gelling the mess backwards like I had just stepped out of a 1920’s dance musical. My hair shone like glass and was just as hard. My wrist was bruising nicely so it was wrapped in a flesh colored tension bandage. I was downstairs waiting for the car with a minute to spare. I passed muster and Eldon held the door open to the rear of the sedan. It was a quiet, uneventful ride to this restaurant. I was in a city. No clue where. The only thing I knew for sure that we were in America because of the street signs. No familiar landmarks. It was still summer based on the light weight business suits and dresses of the pedestrians. I couldn’t hear a thing. The sedan was sound proof and probably bullet and explosion proof. When we got to the restaurant, they knew Eldon here. He was treated like he was the one with money. Well, that was petty of me, but damn my wrist ached unbearable so. I trailed along after the taller man well aware that I was getting looks. It could have been the suit. It might have been the helmet hair. It could be the bruise forming on my face. “Good Afternoon, Henry. I brought him.” Eldon stepped aside and pulled out a chair for me to sit down. I looked across the table to Heinrich Audric. He stood and smiled as he held out his hand. A bolt of terror ripped through me. It must have shown on my face because he stilled. I didn’t remember him. Well, there were no flashes of the past but something in my core quivered. My reaction wasn’t based so much on his appearance, I didn’t know him but I 175

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knew him in my gut. Instinctively like a rabbit knows a snake without ever having been in the presence of one. I couldn’t bring myself to shake his hand. Henry Audric looked like he should be selling candy to children out of a quaint ethnic storefront in an old world village. I didn’t get that chilling vibe from someone who sold candy to children, looks were deceiving. Saying he was five foot six would be a generous statement. His hair was a silvery grey and was styled in a professional business man’s cut. His grey suit was cut to perfection even though he was physically out of proportion. His upper body looked like it should be on a taller man. His shoulders were broad and he was barrel-chested. No amount of sculpting exercise was going to change his wide torso. His legs were about half the length and size they should be for his upper body. He looked as if somewhere along the line he had been squashed from the top of his head into the floor. He was a bigger version of a little person…and I wanted nothing more than to back away from him. I was a head and half taller than him but just being in his presence made me want to cower. What had this man done to me to make such an emotional scar that went beyond the black void that was my past? “Tre-don...” Eldon warned me quietly. I had just been staring at him. “Eldon, please. There is no need to be insulting. Setzen Sie sich mein Sohn.” This was surreal. Once upon a time I was a terror, such a monster that there had been rejoicing when I was vanquished but I knew without a doubt that I was in the presence of true terror now, the Devil’s master, a grey haired man with a deceiving face. I jerked as his hand reached up stroking my cheek where Eldon had smacked me. It must have started bruising. “Ein teil von dir fehlt. It’s like something has been cut out of your soul, Trevor. Physically, you look the same but your hard drive has been reformatted. Motor functions, basic skills have returned, but the customization we have done has been wiped clean. A pity, we will have to see if you are worth rewiring.” I got the jargon. I got the sentiment behind it. I got that he wasn’t kidding. Who the hell was this man and what had he done to me? God, I didn’t want to be rewired by this monster. I wanted to 176

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get to my feet and bolt the hell out of the restaurant and run until there was half the world between me and this man. Eldon pushed the chair behind my knees and it was either sit down gracefully or plunk on my ass. Graceful it was. “So much emotion. It makes your eyes shine, my dear boy. Maybe I should send Mr. Howell a thank you basket for all the trouble he has gone through to get you to this point. That was the one thing that I did secretly wish for you. Emotions, how lovely, let’s see if we can keep them this time, humm?” Waiters came forward and started setting plates on the table. “I have taken the privilege of ordering. You were never much for rabbit food, mein Lieber, but even the doctors are saying you are under weight. Werden wir essen” I didn’t want to eat with either of them. A bowl of creamy mushroom soup was slid in front of me. Henry got a salad. He took the offer of freshly ground pepper and cheese. I just shook my head. Aside from Henry touching my face, this looked like a typical meal just like the other typical meals going on around us. I had been only slightly hungry before Eldon slapped me down but now my appetite was completely gone. Once Eldon was sure that I wasn’t going to bolt out of my chair he bowed his head to Henry and wandered off to his own private table not far away and I noticed between me and the door. I guess Henry didn’t eat with the help. Henry talked about everything and anything and I learned nothing. There wasn’t a flash of brilliance. A bolt out of the blue that held a eureka moment. I just had this unknown dread sitting like a lead weight in my stomach. “Dinner here is expensive, mein Lieber. I didn’t ask you here to watch you paddle your soup around the bowl. Essen.” I could have been sipping sawdust or chewing on particleboard for all the taste I got out of it. I ate because Eldon was glaring at me from across the room and...Henry didn’t like to be disappointed. Anything that floated near the surface of my conscious was like a bubble, when I grabbed for it, it just floated away from my touch. Finally this farce of a dining experience was drawing to a close and I couldn’t recall a single nattering thing he said. Not memory loss, I just wasn’t paying close attention. I could only think about how much I wanted to make a run for it but I sat frozen like a mouse 177

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before a cobra. “Don’t move, don’t move or it will strike.” I was petrified with fear. “It is good to see you Trevor. All the unpleasantness that has passed between us is forgotten and forgiven. Pardon me, I meant no disrespect regarding your memory loss. We shall start anew, you and I. After all, you are my son.” “I am not your son.” My bravado was directed into the crisp white linen table cloth. “Well it’s safe to say that you are just as charming as always. Petulance is one of your least charming characteristics.” “Why?” My hands curled into fists in my lap. “What was that, son? Speak up.” “Why did you bring me here?” “This used to be our favorite restaurant.” I shook my head negatively. “No, why did you take me off the island?” Henry took a careful sip of coffee and I felt his eyes roam over me. “A son belongs with his father.” “We have already established that I am not your son.” “I birthed you to this world, Trevor. I fed you. I clothed you. I educated you at the finest educational institutions. I am your mother and your father. Even if you can’t remember that, you should honor your parent.” “I...I don’t believe you.” Henry picked up his coffee cup and took another savor. “How about this then, meine wertvolle? I own you. I fed you. I clothed you. I educated you at the finest educational institutions so you could stand at my side and not be an embarrassment. I let you off the leash and you ran away. I thought you were dead but instead, you have transferred your affections and allegiance over to another. I sent Eldon to fetch you. I have simply reclaimed my property.” That statement rang true like a peal from a big cathedral bell tower. I worked hard to keep my meal down. “Every thought and emotion shows on your face, Trevor. You are like a trashy novel...so easy to read that it’s not worth the effort. I have mixed emotions over you. I value loyalty and integrity. Did you even think of me at all when you decided to fuck me over for that little scatterbrained blonde with those big blue eyes?”

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This was scary. His words were having more impact because they were coming out in an even tone as he looked at me over the rim of his coffee cup. Carefully he set the cup back on the saucer then wiped his fingers on the napkin. “Well?” “I don’t know you.” His eyes looked at me intensely. I flinched inwardly but I forced myself to keep eye contact. “I believe you, son. You are not what you once were. I have missed him, my wily Tre-don. He was a fighter. He was my lover. Together, we created ‘The Devil’ and he took on my mantle to be the public face to the underworld.’ ‘Even when you were crushing rivals under your heel no one believed you could have done it on your own they looked for the power behind the puppet. Then, mien Lieber, you showed them just how ruthless you could be. I bought you that island out of gratitude for a job well done that first year.” The conversation waned as the waiter came and removed plates. Henry was given a refill of coffee but passed on the dessert cart. I was going to throw up if I attempted to eat any more. As soon as the waiter moved out of earshot, Henry started up his dialogue again. “We were doing well. The Devil had made impressive inroads into the domestic market. Ours was a beautiful partnership. Then you just upped and disappeared. I thought you were kidnapped but no demands ever came. Then I thought you were dead but there was no one claiming to have ‘handled’ the problem the Devil was becoming. Then suddenly, six months later, there you were; taking the Devil to new places and dragging that little wounded boy behind you. You broke my heart, Trevor. That is not an easy thing to forgive.” A nasty thought popped into my head. “Did you shoot Erik?” “Would you cry crocodile tears for him if I said yes?” “Did you....sir?” “Uh, uh, uh. There will be none of that. You can call me Henry or you can call me Father.” “Did you shoot Erik, Henry?” “No.” Henry met my eyes evenly. “I don’t need to lie, Trevor. If I had any confidence in Mr. Howell’s abilities to keep you safe and out of harm’s way, I would not have intervened. As it was, his rushing back to you has just told 179

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all those enemies who were suspecting you were just playing dead, that you are indeed alive and well. They will be coming for Mr. Howell and for you now, mein Lieber. The fact that Eldon was able to secure you less than ten minutes into the mission just confirmed my doubts about your security on that island.” “What happens now?” “Whatever do you mean? You are home.” “Let me go.” “I can’t do that.” “Can’t?” “Won’t then, mein Lieber. You are a babe in the woods. At least Mr. Howell recognized that. Your name is mud in the world but then, Eldon informed me that you don’t claim a last name. Not Donahue, nor Audric, nor Howell. You hid yourself from the world once. You can do it again. While I love your red hair, we are going to have to change that. Facial reconstruction won’t be necessary, as I said you can read everything on your face so remarkably well that you hardly ever look the same anymore. The Devil had a more stoic appearance.” What the hell? Henry was speaking as if this was something I was going to go along with. I was trying to find myself, not to build another fake life. “Ich hasse dich.” “See, I’ve ticked you off. I think I’m going to like the new you. I did have to tiptoe around your temper and I will take your hate, mein Lieber. I would rather have your love but I will take your hate and cherish it. Anything is better than the indifference you have shown your Father these past years.” The silence that hung between us when Henry stopped talking was a physical thing. Now that...wait. He said that together we made ‘the Devil.’ The Devil was just the front to his organization? I brought my gaze back to his face and found his blue eyes spearing me. “Sie haben Fragen, mein Lieber?” A silver grey eyebrow quirked over his the rim of his coffee cup. “Questions? Does Erik work for you?” Henry sat back his face tightened slightly around the corners of his eyes. “No one knows about me. That was the only reason you and that blonde boy of yours are still breathing, mein Lieber. You took off but you kept my confidence. You trained that blonde boy well. He pays all debts the same way you did. That’s one of his 180

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drawbacks. He has never questioned anything you ever did. Then again, that is why he is still the face of the Devil’s organization, of my organization. I only need to play Geppetto to one Pinocchio. Mr. Howell is just a puppet.” That reference to Pinocchio almost made me cringe. Could he read my mind? “He doesn’t know, does he? Erik thinks he’s doing it for me.” “I have always been entranced by your body, mein Lieber. The fact that you had genius behind those beautiful eyes of yours was a pleasant surprise.” He sipped his Brazilian coffee blend. “When I discovered that you were emotionally disassociated from the rest of the world was another plus and at the same time a minus. I wanted to see fire in your eyes, to see every emotion and there were none except that I am certain that you loved me once, Trevor. A father knows these things about his son. You gave me the companionship and affection that I needed and I laid my world at your feet. The things we have accomplished together, mein Lieber were far beyond my expectations. I let you run things the way you saw fit. What is that saying? Wenn Sie jemanden lieben sie frei...” If you love someone set them free. Henry’s tone of voice hardened. “I set you free to allow you to spread your wings and grow. Then you went out and got yourself a pretty face that wants nothing more than to please you. Mr. Howell is like a gamboling puppy. I thought he was just your toy but when you had your accident, his true breed came to the forefront, from puppy to Rottweiler. Your boy has got teeth and he has learned how to use them most effectively. You chose well, however, he is not the Alpha male. Mr. Howell has served his purpose.” A Wizard of OZ moment popped into my head. Erik and I were propped up against each other on a long low leather couch. I had never seen the movie. Considering it was a classic, I guess watching classics wasn’t high on my priorities when looking for my rent or my next meal. I turned my head and breathed in the subtle scent that was pure Azure. Innocence. I toyed with his blonde hair. I wish I had met him when innocence was more than just a word to me. Again, wishing lead to nothing. You made your dreams bear fruit. No one was going to hand them to you. The world took. It never gave. 181

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He whispered, “You’re getting Dark in your thoughts again.” I glanced over at him. His hand came up and brushed against my forehead, sweeping my hair out of my eyes. That is what he called it when I got my game face on. “Don’t go where I can’t follow, Trevor.” I turned my shoulders towards him wrapping my hand against the back of his neck pulling him up closer to me. He kissed me eagerly. I came, I saw, I took, he conquered me. My Azure was my future. I broke the kiss as the commercial came to an end. “I know you would follow me into hell, Erik.” His eyes were darkening to that emerald green that promised so much delight. “How do you know that?” “Cause you love me.” I looked right into his eyes and gave him what he wanted. What he deserved. “And, I love you. I will do anything to keep you safe. No matter the cost, Erik.” I could feel my heart start hammering in my chest. What? What was that? Wishful thinking or a real remembrance? “Your face shows everything, mein Lieber, you use to be a master at hiding your thoughts.” I blinked and stared across to Henry. There was anger in his countenance this time and he didn’t try to mask it. “I gave you everything you could have ever wanted. You only needed to point at it and I got it for you. You betrayed me with a child. A broken child at that. You are MY creation, Trevor. You belong to me and it’s about time that your fractured skull and psyche remembers it. He raised his hand and Eldon magically appeared at his side. He set a reddish tinged wooden box on the table at Henry’s elbow. It gleamed in the sunlight. “Get the car.” Eldon turned and walked away. I watched puzzled as Henry reached down into his pocket and pulled out a pair of leather gloves. Methodically and almost hypnotically he began pulling them on his large hands. “Mein Lieber, I had worked out so many scenarios in my head of how I would greet you if you suddenly returned from the dead. I am not as magnanimous in real life as in my fantasies especially concerning you. I value loyalty above all else. You need to prove yourself to me. Do what I ask and all will be forgiven. I will not say forgotten but I would like to bring you back home as my son.” 182

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The waiters came and cleared the table, it was quick and discreet. No one rushed Heinrich Audric. The man who claimed to be my Father sat still, his gloved hand on top of the box that Eldon had deposited on the table. Wait. Eldon was wearing gloves as well. Dread sat like a lump in my throat. Whatever that box represented was not going to be good for me. Henry waited until the waiters had moved off before speaking again. I set my hands in my lap because they were shaking slightly. To say that I was rattled was an understatement. “There is a drug dealer right behind you. His name is Rodney Vega. He is attempting to encroach on my territory. He is a direct threat to me, mein Lieber. You know what you have to do.” I frowned. I didn’t know what I had to do. Henry pushed the lacquered box towards me. “Open it.” I took it and slid it in front of me now that my untouched dessert had been taken away. I spun it around and then flipped the gold latch. Inside was a pistol with a silencer already attached. “There is a round in the chamber.” “What?” I tried to keep my actions steady but closed the lid again. Henry wiped his mouth with the linen napkin then set it on the table. “Do what I trained you to do. You have benefited from my protection over these years. It’s time to show your loyalty, Trevor. It’s also time to make a choice. If you don’t take care of me, I’ll have Eldon take care of your little blonde bi-polar fucktoy. It would be a pity, he stepped up to the plate as penance when he let you die. Someone dies today. Vega or Howell. Your choice.” “I can’t do it, dieser.” I whispered. “Yes, you can, boy. It’s who you are. By the way, do you realize that you sprechen Deutsch to me when you get agitated. I find that rather remarkable considering you cannot remember anything else about me but my mother tongue. Do what I have asked you to do, Trevor, or I’ll have to clean out the island if I do have to take Howell out of the picture. You should understand what I mean by the term ‘clean’.” Henry stood up. “You have until the valet brings the car around. It you are not in it when Eldon drives away, we will be heading directly to the airstrip.” “I’m not a killer.” “Yes, you are, Trevor. You are a very good one. You are ruthless, unfeeling and cold. That is why I let you be the face of my 183

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organization. I allowed you to do whatever you wanted because that was your reward for handling my dirty work.” Henry leaned over the table and brought his hand up and under my chin, catching it and holding me still, his gloved fingers digging relentlessly into my skin. I would show the bruises of his fingertips pressing hard into my face, gloves or no. I forced myself to sit still and keep from shuddering at his touch. “When I sent Eldon to get you, I intended you to be my ‘holeof-the-week’. I recognized a kindred spirit in you within thirty seconds of meeting you.” He glanced at his gold Rolex. “You have forty-five seconds, Trevor. Choose wisely.” I watched stunned as Henry turned and walked away. He paused and leaned over to say something to someone else he recognized. This was surreal. Who the hell just says kill that stranger? Kill that stranger or your lover gets killed. Lover. Erik and the word lover shouldn’t go together....but they did. Think here, Trevor. Think. Henry had Eldon pull me off the streets. I turned out to be a find but he didn’t adopt me until almost two years later...so...what did I do in that two year blank spot? I saw my diploma in a nice ornate frame that told me I was twenty-four when I graduated from M.I.T. I was with Erik for five years...so there is a two year blank from eighteen to twenty and another gap from twenty-four to twenty-seven. The Devil arrived after I was twentyfour. Henry and Eldon turned me into the Devil to be the front of their underworld activities and I must have liked it because I was that menace for three years before I broke ranks and ran off with Erik tucked under my protection. Was he my chance at my own life? Did I look at his badly dyed hair and blue green eyes and decide that I needed to build my life around him? There was nothing. No flood of memories. No wash of emotion...just a coldness in my center. Could Henry send Eldon to kill Erik? Yes. Would Henry kill everyone on the island if I defied him? Yes. Did I love Erik enough to save him the only way I was offered? Did I? Was that just a dream or was it a warped version of Memorex? 184

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I closed my eyes and took a ragged breath then another and another until it steadied. I could hear the conversation behind me. It was light and joyous. You wouldn’t think that someone who could laugh so heartily sold death by the gram. Am I a killer? Automatically, instinctively without thinking about it I grabbed the dirty napkin on Henry’s side of the table and wiped the box of all my fingerprints, I flipped open the latch looking down at the cold metal lying there so innocently, wiped the lock and the inside edges of the box then tucked the cloth in my pocket. Gun residue and DNA, I should leave it and let Henry or Elrod get tagged for the murder but no, I couldn’t risk that. “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” It rang through my brain as I plucked the napkin from my lap and laid it over the grip. My brain was faulty. I couldn’t rely on it to tell what I needed to know so I was going to trust my instincts and emotions. Emotionally and instinctively, I felt what Henry said about killing Erik and the rest of the henches on the island to be the gospel truth. He would do it. My hand closed around the linen covered stock of the gun. I stood up, pivoted on my heel and took in the scene behind me. It was a birthday party. A prepubescent girl sat in a virgin white dress with white flowers intertwined artfully through her dark curls. Henry said there was a bullet in the chamber. I only needed one. In answer to that last question, yes. I had found my salvation once in azure eyes. I could do it again. Why? I had two grasping hands. I had two strong arms. I wasn’t going to let go of him. I was just Trevor when I was with him. Could I be myself with him again? Did I love him? The pistol recoiled back into my aching bandaged wrist, I tucked the napkin covered gun into my suite pocket as I turned and walked out of the restaurant. The place broke out in a panic. “Did I need him?” Eldon was waiting at the car and opened the door as I approached. He looked at his watch, a Rolex too I noticed, only stainless steel and mouthed the word “one second left.”

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I wanted to say “Fuck you,” but I didn’t, I wasn’t that brave. He said nothing else as I ducked into the back of the sedan and settled on the seat. “Good Boy. You can change the packaging, but the core is always pure. Welcome home, mein Lieber.” Henry was generous with his praise. I would never trust him again to be truthful about the readiness of a gun he provided for me as Rule Number One from a hand written gun manual clicked into my brain from somewhere. It was my hand written gun manual. “Never use a gun that you have not checkout and loaded yourself.” I shuddered as I realized just how much danger I had been in. Certainly Rodney Vega carried his own gun, what if my gun had been empty? I closed my eyes to escape the thought. In another second I asked myself again… Did I love him? Did I need him? Did I want him? My Azure. The answer would always be yes.

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Lesson Twelve: The Reformation

H

ell hath no fury like a lover scorned. Henry was scorched he was so scorned. He might call me son and expect me to call him Father but first and foremost, he had picked up a street whore to fuck. I had been his lover and I had abandoned him. It didn’t matter that he was a part of the big black void that was my past. What mattered was that I belonged to him and I fucked off to be with a younger, taller and more beautiful boy. I got into the back of sedan and sat down on the leather seat only to be jabbed with an epi-pen into the meat of my upper thigh. What the fuck? I’d done as he ordered. I’d given a little girl a birthday party she would never forget. Instinctively I elbowed my attacker but whatever was just injected into me ripped hard and fast through my system. My arm dropped halfway through the defensive movement and I slumped over in the direction of the force I had started with. My head hit Henry’s warm, hard thighs. It wasn’t like getting knocked out. It was worse. It felt like a black bag swooped me up and left me disoriented but awake, unable to see and move. My hearing was just grand. I felt a hand run through my gel crusted hair. Physical sensation seemed to be unaffected as well, his touch made me shudder even though I couldn’t even lift my pinky. “It’s good to see you, mein Lieber. For a while, I thought that you were truly gone. Eldon, please confirm the kill.”

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I could feel Henry’s hand began to...pet me. His hand stroked the skin on my cheek moving over my jaw line, trailing down to my mouth. His thumb worked between my lips and easily he pried my jaw open. He took the moisture he found on my inner lip lining and stroked it smearing it over my lip. He was silent as a frantic telephone call sounded from the restaurant. “There’s been a shooting!” “How many injured?” “One. There’s blood everywhere.” The voice was panicked and as clear as if the caller was in the car with us. “I think he’s dead!” Eldon’s calm voice spoke evenly. “Shall I keep monitoring, Henry?” “Yes, Eldon, however, turn it down. I have heard what I needed to. Take us home.” My body lurched as the car began to move. Henry manhandled me until I was sprawled out on the back seat with my head in his lap. I should be thankful for small mercies that he had my head angled towards the windshield and not his crotch. His fingertips danced along the curl of my ear tracing down to my fleshy lobe. The pads of his manicured hands stroked the skin of my cheek, slid down my neck and on to my chest where he lingered on one nipple that he could feel under my shirt. He pinched and tweaked it sharply. Internally, I shuddered. I couldn’t do anything but lay limp and accepting in his lap. Finally, after the oppressive silence, Henry began to speak. “Nothing. You give me nothing. Your favorite restaurant. Your favorite meal. A re-enactment of your first kill and still your mind is a massive black hole regarding our time together. You don’t remember me at all, Trevor? This cuts me to the quick, mein Lieber. I used to be your world or was that an act, only a financial drama between a prostitute and his client? If so, you were a better actor than I ever gave you credit for.” He continued to pet me as I lay in the darkness of whatever he pumped into my system. If only my hearing and the nerves under my skin weren’t working the way my inert body/muscles wasn’t/weren’t able to move. “You remembered Eldon. I have noticed that there is still a flare of anger in your eyes when you look at him. Not fresh anger because he rescued you from that island, but it’s a burning thing, an ancient outrage between you two. Sibling rivalry if you will, the 188

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rivalry between an older son and the much pampered, beloved and beautiful younger son. You have the lingering emotions but you have nothing to explain them. Your rivalry with him is because I’ve done much better things for you, to you...and much worse. He has worked hard to be useful to me. I see his efforts every day yet I gave to you something he has striven for. Instead of love and honor, you betrayed me; not once, not even twice but three times, my little Judas. Yet, here I am, ready to give you a another chance to survive in this world. I can’t bear to see you struggle. Instead of gratitude you disregard me; leaving me as a shadow swallowed by the darkness now that your brilliant candle has flickered out. I am just one of the crowd. That in itself is like a knife in the heart.” He paused and shifted slightly then I felt the brush of soft cloth, a handkerchief at the corner of my mouth. It wouldn’t do to have drool marks left behind on a custom made suit. Again a thumb pad slid over my lower lip for a moment then slipped back into my hair. “It’s sad, mein Lieber. Your darkness was a wonderful thing to behold. Many cultivate it. More fake it. Few have it. One look from you could have a man pissing in his boots. There have been men who have reputations of having stone for balls that you’ve had void themselves just with a look and conversation from the red haired Devil. You have no idea how rare a thing that is in this world. All that raw power of personality...gone...because you had to step in front of a speeding car to rescue that little sextoy from injury.” Henry transferred his touch to the flat expanse between my shoulders. He began to rub in a clockwise motion. “I’ve spoken to your Mr. Howell, Trevor. Right after the accident happened. To say that I was still feeling betrayed at the time was an understatement, I fully had intentions of sweeping in and taking over. After everything I found out about him; how you stole him from his life and kept him as your sexual prisoner, I thought he would have bolted the first chance he got. On paper, he wasn’t that impressive. Youngest son of three. Father a Lawyer. Mother a Librarian. A juvenile record of fighting and other sundry mischief. He wasn’t properly diagnosed until his second year in high school and that was only after he had put a couple of boys in the hospital. With an unmedicated condition and a documented history of violence...well, his options of higher education were limited. I thought at first you were only looking at him skin deep. He is a beautiful young man. 189

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Golden hair. Perfect skin. He could be a model that all those vapid teenage girls would be wetting themselves over. Physically, I could almost forgive you for tossing me aside for that body. Almost. Imagine my surprise to arrive at the clinic and find him channeling you. He had the staff in terror. The raw intelligence in those unique eyes of his cut me to the quick.” “His dismissive glance, sweeping me from head to toe and finding me wanting, me Henrich Audric! He told me that I was in the way and to move it. You were the only one I have ever permitted to take that tone of voice with him. At first I wanted to crush him but I found I couldn’t, he was too much a creature made in your image, fascinating that you could make him so perfectly into a carbon copy of you. Still, I knew that all I had to do is wait for the right moment for snatching you from him. You had the finest doctors. The best medical care. I couldn’t find fault with it. I didn’t expect Mr. Howell to pick up your work. I sure as hell did not believe that he could handle it. At first I thought it would be interesting to see just how he would do without you and made preparations to step in when he failed. But, mein Lieber, your boy didn’t fail. He performed admirably, you can be proud of him. His only mistake that I fault him on was that he used my island to shelter you from harm, but we can’t really blame him for that can we? It was perfect to keep you safe from every one but me. When I finally wanted you back extraction was easy, and now here we are again one big happy family, you me and Eldon.” I gasped in pain as his hand moved back to my hair and wrenched my face upwards. “I know I am not the most physically perfect specimen especially for a beautiful young man to tie himself to. I know that I am overly endowed which is why I had to get whore boys. There are times I don’t want to wait and play with my partner and with prostitutes, I don’t care if I hurt them and for the money I pay they could have no complaint no matter how rough I was. But you, you have never had to suffer my strong urges even if that was the reason I picked you up. Mein Lieber, if you came to me and told me you wanted your own toy, I would have got Mr. Howell for you. His transition might have a little smoother but then, he wouldn’t be the Devil’s Advocate right now, would he?” “Mein Lieber...” Henry’s voice trailed off but his hand kept touching me. “My Tre-don is truly gone isn’t he? I didn’t want to believe that a knock to the head could take him away from me.” 190

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My head rocked as Henry shifted under me. “Then again, you left me long before that, didn’t you?” Henry’s voice trailed off and the rest of the drive was done in silence. I couldn’t move. No matter how hard I struggled I just lay at his side and breathed. His hand came over my neck and the side of his thumb stroked my jaw line. Henry’s words whispered over me. “As I said, Mr. Howell didn’t seem like a threat on paper.” He never stopped touching me. His hands or fingers were constantly somewhere on my body. I felt fear mixed in with anger and frustration. I could do nothing. Absolutely nothing. “Henry.” “Yes, Eldon.” “Mr. Howell has accepted the invitation.” “Thank you, Eldon.” What the hell was that about? I heard a whine as the glass partition rose up to divide the cabin and leave us in solitude. “Even wounded, your Mr. Howell is moving heaven and earth to find you. It is sad to say, but he is doing everything I should have done when you first ran away. It is actually quite a sight to see. I admire your Mr. Howell for his dedication and perseverance, so, tomorrow I will bring him here.” My heart began to beat harder. Erik was coming here, wherever here was. I couldn’t help but feel a touch of hope. My emotional state seemed to be the most honest thing I had so I was going to listen to it. Fingers pressed along my neck, searching out my pulse. Henry lightly pressed against it then his touch fell away. His voice was tight and crisp. “This is not the way, I expected our last night together to be, mein Lieber. I can feel your heart beat. It beats just for him, doesn’t it? You don’t need to answer, I know it does. This is why I had to drug you, because you truly love him and you wouldn’t do what I would ask of you. You cheated me out of our last goodbye. Tomorrow when your Mr. Howell arrives, you will be only my son and my heir. Tonight...tonight, you will be my sweet little street whore who took advantage of an old man by making him fall hard then you abandoned him.” His hand cupped the back of my neck and pulled me upwards, arching my head backwards. I felt a shadow cross my eyes, making it darker than the blackness that was already robbing me of my sight. His breath on my cheek told me what he was going to 191

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do...and I could do nothing but lay here. He plucked a kiss from my lips. An icy ball of fear moved from my stomach up to just under my ribcage. His free hand came down my chest, a finger slipping into the slight opening in my dress shirt. Flesh stroked flesh. I couldn’t resist. I was surprised that I could groan in protest. “For a dead man, mein Lieber, you are still so alluring. I could never say no to you.” Henry made kissing an art form. His other hand never ventured further than my waistband holding me close and supporting my slack torso. He nibbled at my lips, gently parting them and when my jaw hadn’t fallen back far enough, he pressed his thumb down, opening my mouth wider. His tongue swept into my mouth brushing at the sensitive inner walls and tangling with my own stilled tongue. His words whispered over my temple. “We will do this the way we have in the past. I am still so angry with you, Tre-don, but I don’t want you hurt, much. I doubt you have been indulging as much as you used to, so this will be a task that will require lots of groundwork.” Henry finally reached between my legs and began stroking me through my pants. All his gentle kissing had started an automatic response, but it wasn’t a full blown hard on. He stroked me as he continued to kiss me. His breathing grew deeper and heavier. I felt his body flush with the heat of desire long before his hardening cock knocked at the back of my head. He was going to rape me. There was absolutely nothing I could do to stop him. I couldn’t even snap my teeth closed to bite his tongue off. This was worse, this being trapped in the darkness of the syringe, than being restrained with cuffs or chains. I couldn’t see to anticipate where any movement was coming from. It was like a dark ride, hands and finger tips brushing against my body came out of nowhere. “What is this, mein Lieber?’ His hand left my crotch and smudged at the corner of my eye. I was wrong. I couldn’t do anything but cry. Crying seemed to be enough. Henry moved his ministrations back to just petting my hair. The car finally came to a stop and rocked slightly as Eldon got out of the front. Henry began to speak again in a calm yet frightening voice. “You owe me this, Tre-don at the very least. You owed me an 192

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explanation but I accept that I’m never going to get it now because now even you don’t know why you left me. I understand that but what will happen tonight is your punishment, and my lingering rage for being left behind.’ ‘Make no mistake, mein Lieber. Tears will not sway me from my course. I will break you tonight. I will physically shatter you into pieces just as you did to my trust and my heart. You will have to endure me.’ ‘In the morning when your Mr. Howell gets here I will give you back to him. I will leave it to him to pick up the pieces and rebuild you into an image befitting his desires if he can…” He bent forward and whispered, “…but I’m going to see that you are so broken that not even all the kings men can put you back together again, understand? I wonder what Mr. Howell can make of such a shattered boy toy? I guess we will see soon enough.” The back door opened and my head was gently laid on the seat. The car shifted slightly as Henry got out. “I’ve decided on the brown. It will give him a softer appearance and will suit his pale complexion better. I’ll be in my office until it’s time.” “Yes, Henry. I’ll inform the team of your decision.” Eldon answered. I heard hard soled shoes walk away. Eldon’s voice drew closer to my ear. “How do you like this drug, Tre-don? It was an experiment designed to create a new anesthesia for military use in the battlefield. It immobilized the patient but we found out that it magnifies all the physical sensations. Those poor bastards who volunteered as test subjects, they were permanently traumatized by this. Some committed suicide.” Hands reached under my arms and dragged me across the seat. “Don’t worry, Tre-don. That won’t happen to you. You need to have a conscience for that to happen.” The sound of more feet descending the stairs reached my ears. “Henry has timed this perfectly.” Eldon reached down and tiled my head sideways so his mouth breathed deeply into my ear. “Movement will slowly return to you. First will be your voice. Then your vision. Just remember, my little street walker...Henry has paid for your lifestyle. Tonight, you are going to be paying him back with interest...and I’ll be there with you to make sure that you do. Make sure you give good voice, Tre-don. He does like to hear screams.” 193

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The car rocked again as Eldon backed off. To say I was scared was an understatement. I was panicked and terrified and still totally helpless. Guards finished dragging me out of the car, their hold bruised my upper arms as they dragged me over the steps of the threshold. They threw me on a bed or couch and the rest of the time I lay there waiting for the horror that hovered over me passed in a panic as all I could think of was that Erik was going to be here. I don’t know if it was minutes or hours, that passed as I lay helpless and waiting. I didn’t hear Henry or Eldon again but the guards and their helpers had their orders.

My physical reformation was a total humiliation which I sure was Eldon’s intention. He was an enigma, sort of. Emotionally, he wasn’t in my “glad to see you” sector, nor in my “get the hell away from me” zone; he was...nothing to me. Henry was off the mark about my blinding rage toward his right hand man. Eldon’s opinion really didn’t matter to me. His words had no value in my life except as a threat of the unknown. It didn’t matter that he made his thoughts clear that I wasn’t good enough for Henry. I knew where I stood with him and I was grateful for that. I was grateful? The word roamed around my mind. Grateful. Why the hell would I be grateful...but I was. Eldon laid it out straight. I knew where I stood with him and his motives were clear and concise. He was like Erik in that regard. Aside from the nothingness of my body right now, the black hole that was my memories was still a pit nothing was going to escape from. Erik. Henry was jealous. He kidnapped me off the island but then had Eldon invite Erik to come and pick me up. This struck me as wrong, it just didn’t make any sense. Isn’t that saying ‘if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, it’s yours, if it doesn’t hunt it down and kill it?’ Was Henry done hunting me down? Hunting us down? Tonight was going to be payback for leaving him for Erik. It didn’t matter that I 194

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couldn’t explain it. Henry knew I couldn’t explain it. This was why I was locked in pharmaceutical hell right now. Resistance was futile, explanations unnecessary, mercy not the most remote chance in Hell of happening. My hair was colored. The smell was horrendous and my scalp burned. My eyes were taped closed and my eyebrows were done as well. While that was going on, all other hair was ripped out of my skin with hot wax. My legs, arms, chest and groin. I was manhandled into various positions so they could get to all my hidden areas. I could do nothing but feel. The pain of having hair ripped out by the follicles was intensified as my body turned into one big pulse thanks to the effects of what ever drug had me in its maw. I was given a manicure and then a pedicure. The cuticle cutting was severe agony. Finally I was rinsed and un-taped then carried off to a soft towel draped massage table. Sweet almond oil was rubbed into my skin. All my limbs were caressed, my muscles which were pretty relaxed as it were, were further soothed. I was being prepared. I was the sultan’s favorite who was being prepared for a night of service. I wanted to sleep but the drug kept me hovering on wakefulness. I was finally moved to a bed. I was tucked under the covers, but my exposed arms and head was displayed prettily. Then I was left alone. My body was pulsing with varying degrees of pain and sensation. My scalp and eyebrows felt burnt and faintly I could still smell the chemical stench of hair dye. I still couldn’t move. My eyes were frozen forward staring at the backs of my eyelids. All I could see was grey tinted with a reddish glow from distant light. An improvement over complete darkness? I didn’t know. The air conditioning chilled the exposed skin...too sensitive...too much....it was all just too much. I fought to limit the sensations but it was impossible. Everything was magnified. I tried to ignore it...but it wasn’t going to be ignored. It wasn’t hard to see why someone would commit suicide. This was a horrid feeling. I couldn’t even fall into the oblivion of sleep. I could do nothing but lay here and feel...and feel...and... The bed shifted as a body climbed up on it then my head rolled to the right as a hand pressed down on the mattress beside my ear. The blankets were pulled away from my body, it was suddenly chilled by the cold breathe of the air conditioning. A hand cupped 195

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the side of my face and urged my body upwards. I cried out in shock and protest as a hot tongue ran from the hollow of my shoulder up my neck to the base of my ear. Breath warmed the wet trail. My ear lobe was sucked into the unseen mouth. “Uuuhhh.” I might not have moved but a shiver ran up my spine. “You look disgustingly beautiful, Tre...” Eldon. He was touching me. His hand settled on my bare stomach and began to stroke my oil slicked and softened skin. His touch was confident and moved without hesitation as if it were a familiar action. Oh, God. I wanted to be sick. “Move behind him, Eldon. You are blocking my view. Turn him more this way.” Henry’s voice sounded close to the bed. I’d been so immersed in my worries about Erik coming into this Black Widow’s web that I hadn’t even heard them both come into the room. “Nnnngghhh...” My throat convulsed and I actually tried to say no. The cover over the careful display of me was ripped completely off the bed and I heard it slither to the floor. I was pulled across the cool, silk sheets and propped upright. The mattress shifted again as someone climbed back into bed then I was pulled back against a naked chest. More than that was naked. I could feel a throbbing member slip up the soft skin of my spine. Eldon. He was naked. One hand came across my throat and pulled me upright while the other hand, hooked under my knee and pulled my legs wide apart. He kept pulling until my foot was flat on the mattress. Everything that had been hidden was now on display. Eldon’s hand cupped around my ankle but then slipped up my denuded flesh stroking my calf on the way up to my knee, which he pushed toward the mattress. “Good. That’s very good. He looks so young like he did when you brought him to me but he has so many scars now” My eye lids creaked open. I still couldn’t focus on anything. It was just dark shadows in bright color. “Ah, the effect is beginning to wear off. His eyes are open.” Eldon’s hand moved from my neck down my chest to my waist. My flesh burned behind his touch. His wrist twisted and fingers slipped around the exposed skin of my hairless crotch. “He feels like he did when he first came to you. Smooth and soft. Silky.” 196

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Eldon gripped my member and pulled it up in a vicious movement. I started to feel myself react as I forced a protest to my reawakened mouth. “St...op.” I heard a deep chuckle from the end of the bed. I flicked my eyes toward the sound, there was a blurred shape sitting close by. I guess Henry wasn’t perverted enough to actually sit at the edge of the bed to watch me being raped. “Lovely, Eldon. He needs a better line, take his arm and bring it behind your head. I want to see all of his body when it begins to peak.” My nipples had puckered of their own accord as the loss of the warmth of the blankets began to affect me in the chilled room. I felt Eldon’s hand around the underside of my bicep as he pulled my arm up to my ear. My chest was open. Fingernails lightly swept my armpit as the weight of my hand hanging behind my head kept my arm in the desired position. I shuddered. Eldon gently squeezed the base of my member. I began to stir to his touch. As I was now, I felt more helpless than I could ever remember.. My body was on display. It was an offering. An offering to the god of pharmaceuticals. I struggled to make my body move. Eldon pressed sucking kisses along my neck down to my shoulder. My cry of ‘no’ turned into a reluctant moan of pleasure. “Nnnnnhhhh.” “Impressive, he seems to be fighting against the serum. Trevor, mein Lieber...I will have this night with you. It can be pleasurable for all involved or, it can be pleasurable for just Eldon and me. The choice is up to you. Make him come, Eldon. Let’s get this first volley over with so we can get down to the real business of the night.” “Yes, Henry.” “Arggggg...” Eldon wrapped his hand around my cock and began to stimulate me. It was too much, too intense. I have never gotten this hard, this fast. Eldon continued to stroke me raising the pleasure to the point of pain and suspending me there. Teeth worried my ear lobe. I could feel my chest burning hot, tightening with dread and excitement. Eldon shifted slightly drawing me up onto one hip as his forearm slipped under my sprawled thigh. I felt a touch at my portal. He pressed forward breeching me deep with his stiffened finger making me ejaculate hard. White lights shot off behind my eyes blinding me at the suddenness of it. 197

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No...my eyes opened. My mouth was slack and I panted hard to the ceiling. Eldon continued to flick his digit inside me. “Nnnnnoooo....” Eldon shifted enough that my head slipped off his shoulder to hang forward. I looked down at the wanton display. I had my own cum splattered across my stomach and chest. My nipples were puffed up into tiny cones, a darker shade of desire. My cock...was still hard and dripping. “Beautiful Eldon....I do appreciate your mastery.” “I am honored to be in your service, Henry.” What the.... “ARGHHHH!” Eldon pulled his finger out, swept it across my cum trail then pushed two digits deep inside again, without any preparation besides the wetness of my cum on his fingers. He stilled and I hung helpless against him, speared. My portal burned slightly with the suddenness of its opening. “Be a little more considerate, Eldon...he has to last.” “Huuuuunnn” He began to scissor his fingers inside me, stretching me to take something larger and deeper. I could feel a tear fall from the corner of my eye onto my cheek. “It seems, Mr. Howell hasn’t been taking care of Tre-don’s needs.” Eldon hit my prostate. “Aaaahhh…..” “Of course he wouldn’t, Eldon. Our Trevor has trained himself a willing and eager bottom. If you think about it, we might have been the last ones to enjoy the pleasures of the forbidden with our little street boy.” I heard Eldon make a humph noise behind me. “Maybe a toy would be in order rather than me forcing the issue right now.” They discussed me like I wasn’t in the room. I was just a poseable sex doll. My eyes were open and I could register objects and shapes. I could finally focus about three feet in front of me. My head hit the mattress as Eldon shifted me to my knees. I felt my face slide across the silk sheets smearing moisture from my slack mouth as my hips were lifted higher so a leather covered wedge could be pressed under me. My cock was pinched between it and my thigh for a moment then Eldon casually freed me as if I was nothing more than a disarrayed sex doll. He took his time arranging my body as Henry directed. I remember earlier when Henry mentioned that they had done this before. With me? Or with some other poor fuck? 198

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“We will do this the way we have done in the past.” He said. Eldon played my body like a talented musician, carefully arranging me to the preference of his lover? Boss? Cold, wet goop was pressed up against my portal, it dripped cool and slick down the inside of my thigh. A blunt tip was rubbed around my puckered portal then fingers splayed my buttocks wide and a device was pushed relentlessly against my tight hole. Dipping and sliding, stretching me and making me pliable for larger entry. “Push it in.” Eldon worked the vibrator and then shock waves ripped through me. I gasped and my ass muscles tightened involuntarily almost forcing the foreign object out. Eldon caught it and pushed it deeper still. He pressed his body over my back keeping the vibrator inside me but his mouth dropped to my ear “Look at yourself. Henry knows what you truly are. Listen to your slutty voice. You shot a father to death in front of his daughter and you’re groaning in total abandonment less than three hours later with a fake cock shoved up your ass. You are evil incarnate, Tre-don.” I cried out in ecstasy he drove the vibrator deeper so it throbbed against my prostate. “The Devil only slumbers inside you. If he was truly gone, you would have shot yourself in the head in the restaurant instead of murdering a man at his little girl’s birthday party and walking calmly out to the sedan. Henry will find him, that Devil of his. He set him free once...he’ll do it again and I’ll help him because in the end it’s what Henry wants. What Henry desires, I will do anything I have to give it to him. If it means doing you until the break of dawn, then that is what I am going to do.” I climaxed hard, shuddering and twitching around the faux cock buried within me. Eldon kept it pressed against that sensitive area as his poisonous vitriol poured into my ear. “Once the Devil comes back, will your Erik still want you? Or...do you think he will hire another car to run you down in the street?” I had no control over my body. Pleasure swamped me even though my heart had just collapsed in on itself. A bullet to the back of my head would have been kinder.

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Lesson Thirteen: In the Name of Love

T

he darkness now was of my own making. How did I know this? It was warm and comforting. That pharmaceutical’s hold was a cold and bitter feeling. As I lay there I had a glimmer of understanding. It was a flash of light in the night, a lightening bug spark. What’s that saying, I would rather light a candle than sit in alone in the dark...or something along those lines. I’m tired of sitting in the dark. I’m weary of looking to others to be my guiding light. They just keep falling short of my expectations. I thought I was the one failing them but it was the other way around. Erik claimed to be the love of my life but he wanted a shade that still clung to this form. Henry wanted a lover’s vengeance. Not on me, on whom I used to be. Maybe once I was the sharpest pencil in the box but from the point of my coherent and comprehensive timeline of memories, my thinking was worn to the nub. Who I used to be isn’t who I am and who I am isn’t a victim. Or maybe closer to the point is that I am not going to be a victim any longer.

The darkness around was lighter now, a deeper shade of gray, a twilight. I opened my eyes found myself still in the big bed that was the venue for last night’s uncalled for debauchery. My body was my 200

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own to command again. I was in mild agony. When Henry had sicced Eldon on me, I had thought that the Englishman would have taken great enjoyment in showing me my station. Erik had hurt me worse than being in the middle of Henry’s sexual Olympics. The stale scent of sex and sweat hung in the air and clung to the skin that my nose was pressed against. I was propped up on Eldon, my arm up and over his waist with my head resting on his chest. I was using him as a pillow. Eldon had his hand tangled in my hair and was gently stroked my scalp, his finger running idly over my scar as he smoked a very mild cigarette. I had a feeling that without even the start of this evening of lust as a drug experiment, I would have been lost in pleasure. Both Henry and Eldon had spoken as if they knew this body intimately and before the night was over, they have proven that they did. Still, body numbing ecstasy if unwanted is still rape. It didn’t matter that Eldon had prepared me so thoroughly for Henry’s plunder that, though Henry was abnormally large, it didn’t hurt at the time. A heavy weight was across my hips and legs. An arm was around my waist, pressed between the smooth silky sheets and my own smooth skin and the hand attached to that arm was splayed across my lower stomach as if claiming ownership even in slumber. His face was at the small of my back. Each breath warmed my flesh in contrast to the coolness of the air conditioning. It was a poor joke on God’s behalf to lock a hedonistic sexually over stimulated man in a body that was inadequate in some areas and over developed in others. At the time, my body accepted his cock easily. Now, I was feeling the stinging fruits of his endeavor. Henry’s cheek rubbed, rough with stubble, along my back and his arm tightened. I understood now. If Henry had hoped to re-open the floodgates of memory and intellect, he was going to wake sorely disappointed. He didn’t seem to get that this was more than just simple willful forgetting. I wasn’t pretending not to remember him. All that we once were together was gone. That car accident was more than just broken bones and bruising, in the end my brain was rewired. Connections had been severed. Neutrons weren’t firing properly, more likely firing out of sequence and that is what I am left with. I had all I was going to get and I had better deal with it. If those 201

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around me cared so much, they were going to have to accept it as well. I am what I am. If memories floated up out of that darkness, they would come on their own. Trying to live in the past... trying to live in the past only resulted in me getting raped. Repeatedly. As I said, I understood now. The Trevor that I am is my core. My true core no matter what Henry and Eldon believed. I’m kind, emotional, tender and so easily hurt by those I value. Yes, I walked dogs I was embarrassed to be seen with and pet sat for neighbors when they needed me to even when I didn’t like their dog. I did it because I could, not because I was expecting money or gratitude. I took out the garbage for the elderly and picked up their mail. Hell, I would supplement their meager income by purchasing extra groceries and sharing them. I got myself a home cooked meal and they felt useful and part of this godforsaken world. I did it because I was still that orphan who was dropped off on the steps of the Church like tissue paper finally noticed and kicked off a shoe. I reached out and helped others because that hole inside me, that empty screaming void needed to be filled. I wanted love and acceptance and I honestly think I had it once with Azure eyes and hair kissed by the sun. I had my heart’s desire. I had my void silenced. I think I was happy for five years. I’m twenty...no I’m thirty-three and I’ve only been happy for five years out of my whole life. That was actually pretty sad. I had used others to fill the void. Henry was one of my victims. Eldon, saw me for what I was and avoided the trap. I respected him for that, I think. Otherwise, why would I remember him? My mind was beginning to spin in circles as I lay so still on Eldon’s warm body. I’d been forsaken. To forsake; to renounce, to desert, to abandon. Not by Erik. Not by Henry...hell, even Olga wasn’t willing to let me go. I let myself go. I had renounced the Devil and still would, consciously now, even if he was no longer physically barred from me because of the extent of my injuries. Why? Because...just because... I was tired of trying to live up to everyone’s expectations but my own. 202

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There were still things that didn’t add up in the time line I had figured out. Those lost two years from eighteen to twenty were spent here, just like this, fucked between Henry and Eldon. Eldon couldn’t give a damn about me. He did what Henry wanted without question or explanation. I could have been any whore until I must have shown Henry I had something else worth exploiting besides my body. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, if you can’t pull your weight at MIT, you don’t get to stay and you don’t get to graduate. From my memories of my childhood, school had always been easy for me. Too easy I thought. The Sisters had done a good job of trying to save my blackening soul but I thought their schooling was subpar. It turned out, it was only because I was Mensa material and while they worked hard to save our souls there just wasn’t enough money to go around to keep the curriculum current and up to date. The Sisters did the best they could with what they had. It wasn’t their fault that the unwanted son of a junkie prostitute turned out to be a genius. Honestly, what were the odds of that? The Devil everyone wanted so desperately was my defense mechanism. Me, Trevor the good Catholic boy was the gooey center of a hard shelled candy, known as the Devil. Not a different personality, just a way to survive. That shield was charismatic, hard and decisive. An alpha bent who took what it wanted when it wanted it because so many were so ready to give it to him. Tre-don was the first generation of the Devil. He was hardened through trials by fire but he wasn’t enough to step up into Henry’s world. That’s where the Devil came in. So, yes. Technically, Henry had brought ‘the Devil’ forward, but not in the way they were thinking. Me, Trevor, the want to be good Catholic boy was still here cocooned and protected even when the Devil was doing the unspeakable. I did what I had to do to survive; Trevor to Tre-don to the Devil. It was the way of the world. The gooey get smeared. The hard get respected. The hardest get feared. The accident cut off the pathways to the Devil and Tre-don. The gooey was feared...for now. A random thought drifted into clarity as I lay on Eldon’s body. His hand was still tracing my scar. Erik had said something that struck me as odd at the time back there on the island. “The face 203

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that the Devil showed the world was not the face that he brought back to me every night...the Devil was not a good man...but my Trevor wasn’t the Devil...not really.” This sounded like I had trusted Erik enough to drop all pretence and hold him in my arms. My gooey arms. Trust was not something lightly given. He would have to get passed the Devil and Tre-don to get to me. I had a feeling that Erik was the only one the Devil had given that privilege. That was why even when I dreamt my thoughts were full of HIM. Which brought back the sting of what Eldon had whispered to me about my Azure and car rental. It was a lie. I knew it was a lie. Why? Because it FELT like a lie. The microfiche catalogue of memories that flashed forward and back blurred only to stop and reveal a kernel of truth for a split second then zipped on again. Memories were faulty but my emotional state; I was going to give it a chance to be my guide, to be my touchstone, I still yearned for HIM. I don’t think I was self -destructive. I wouldn’t want to cling to something, to someone who could have done that to me. Run me down in the street. When Erik had talked about me and the accident, he was honestly distressed. Antoine had confirmed that Erik had tried to follow me down into the depths of ultimate darkness. Then there was Olga’s account. She had said that Erik had performed CPR on me for twenty minutes until the ambulance finally arrived. Olga. Where the hell did she fit in this fiasco? Yes, not forgetting the tacky shack in Tahiti, what else had she been to me? Was she the after Henry phase? Was she the MIT period? Aside from her Doctoring skills, why else was she still hanging around? There was an uneasy peace, or maybe truce was the correct term between her and Erik. I was with her then I met Erik and I took off and left her in the dust. If I got kicked to the curb, I would have stepped away. I didn’t need to cling to someone who clearly didn’t want me. Right? Erik haunted my days and nights. Olga didn’t. I never lingered over her memory the way I did with Him. My Azure. There was another waft of strong cigarette smoke as Eldon exhaled. “I know you are awake, Tre-don.” 204

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“My name is Trevor.” I didn’t bother raising my head. I was physically exhausted and emotionally wrung out. “I know that now.” Eldon’s hand moved from my scar to lightly stroke my hair. That wasn’t something that felt familiar coming from him. Was this an attempt at comforting me? “Tre-don’s not here.” The cigarette smoke curled up from the white stick in his fingers. “Even when Tre-don was on the bottom, he was a top. There would have been no way he would have allowed last night to go unchallenged. Somehow, didn’t matter if you could move or not, that...spark of what fascinated Henry so much wasn’t there.” Eldon shifted slightly to raise his hand to his mouth. “I guess Henry had to find out. I had wondered myself. If your Erik couldn’t get him back...?” His voice trailed off as he inhaled again. “So, it seems like we’re stuck with you, Trevor.” “You seemed to like sticking it to me.” My voice was raw and my tone was bitter. “Sex is sex. The anesthesia should have worn off back around four a.m. How are you feeling?” I concentrated on my body. My limbs were lethargic but I could wiggle my fingers and toes. I seriously doubted that I would be hopping out of bed and walking away from hours of unbridled sex. “I’m just worn out.” “Aren’t you going to ask?” Eldon took a final drag off his smoke and butted it out on the crystal ashtray beside the bed. “Is there a point?” My voice was still a little hostile, even if it was deservedly so. “You were a lot of things, Trevor. The cynicism was there but never to this extent.” Henry murmured into my back then tightened his grip. I felt his warm lips kiss my spine then he shifted his position without releasing me. I ended up sprawled across him. “Good Morning, Eldon.” “Morning, Henry.” “Coffee, please. Trevor, you still take a sugar and cream in yours?” So damned polite and refined considering they sexually tag teamed me all night long. “Black.” “You heard, mein Lieber, Eldon.” Just like that, Eldon rolled off the bed and walked naked toward the master bath. He snagged a bathrobe from the door, slipped into it, carelessly looped the belt at 205

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his waist then disappeared into the corridor closing the bedroom door behind him. I was alone in the room with the stranger who called himself my Father but who had fucked me all night long. My hips were killing me but I forced myself up and off him. Enough was enough. A hand rested on my shoulder as I eased my weight onto my ass so I could put my feet on the floor. “So ask, mein Lieber.” Henry’s tone was so polite. Last night he was calling me ungrateful whore and son of a slut. Did he forget that I could hear everything? I laid in Eldon’s arms as this man violated me repeatedly through out the night. Now he wants to sugar my coffee. I wanted to vomit. “I’m not sure of the question.” I shifted my shoulder. Henry took the hint and let go of me. “Why...the question is why.” I stared across the room to the elegantly refined furnished den of inequity other wise known as the master bath. Cleanliness is next to Godliness and that is one thing that Henry is. Not a god, but a clean freak. What he sullied, he cleaned. Again, Eldon helped. Eldon was probably the only reason I didn’t drown in the tub. I was still locked under the influence of that drug and couldn’t have moved to save my life. Henry could get lost in doing a task well. When the drug wore off in the early light of morning, I could feel just how thorough Henry could be. My body was wrecked. My pale skin was showing the bruising the sexual marathon had left behind. My wrists, inner thighs and my hips all bore the marks of purplish black hand prints. You can dye a redhead brunette but the flesh still betrays. I said I had a glimmer of understanding. I knew ‘the why’ Henry did what he did. Why Erik did what he did. I knew the why. I didn’t have to like it. Gooey me wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t strong enough to stand with either of them. I wasn’t tough enough. I wasn’t smart enough. I just....wasn’t enough...for anything. I knew why they did what they did. “Trevor?” “I don’t care to hear anything you have to say to me.” “Yes, you do.” Henry reached up and grabbed me, dragging me back across the mattress. I wasn’t expecting it so the sharp welling of pain washed over me too quickly for me to handle. My voice cracked as I gave a cry of agony. Henry held me tight to his 206

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chest. “Trevor. Of all the things you could have forgotten, why did it have to be me?” I lay in his hold concentrating on controlling my breathing and by controlling my breathing I was controlling the pain. “Mein Sohn.” Henry kissed the nape of my neck. “Sie sind nicht mein Vater. A father doesn’t drug his beloved son then fuck him senseless all night long with the hired help.” I caught myself speaking German. It was true that I never picked up on it before. It was something that came naturally. I didn’t even have an inkling that I knew another language. Knowledge was there trapped in my mind. It was a surprise even to me. “You used to enjoy this.” “Did I? Really? I was a street whore. You were a rich client. I was selling a product and you bought it. Me liking it, or getting something out of it other than money wasn’t part of the equation.” My words were ripping out of the dark hurt place in my soul. “I know you, Trevor.” Henry wrapped his hand in my dyed brown hair and jerked my head back so I was prone against his thighs staring up at him. “You don’t know me.” “You cannot change so much.” “This isn’t a choice!” I winced as Henry tightened his grip. “Both of you think that by doing horrible things to me, I will snap out of...this and be miraculously cured. I’m not FAKING IT! STOP FUCKING ME OVER!” My hand was shaking as I raised it to my forehead. I don’t know if I was trembling because of anger, fear or plain exhaustion. I thought I should be crying right now but my eyes were desert hot. Henry shifted and I slipped to the mattress. He leaned over me, one hand beside my ear the other by my waist. At the restaurant, Henry was cold and angry. Last night when I could focus my eyes, his face was ravenous and lustful. As he perched over me, his face was sorrowful. “Ich bin nicht, wer du willst. Your son died, Henry. I’m wearing his face but I’m a stranger.” My tone was pure exhaustion. “I can’t be who you want.” I don’t know what I was expecting. Yesterday, Henry terrified me. I had no memories of him but my feelings were that if I fucked with him I would be the one who lost. So going on my feelings, Henry should be getting angry with my mild defiance. This little big 207

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man along with the tall Brit was the power behind the throne of the Devil. Henry matched my gaze evenly. “A Father doesn’t abandon his son just because that boy disappointed him. A Father doesn’t walk away because that boy was in an accident.” “You’re not my Father.” Henry snorted. “I am better than your unknown Father.” I took a deep breath and looked passed him to the high vaulted ceiling. “My asshole begs to differ.” “That was last night. I told you at the restaurant that it would happen. That was owed to me from a long time ago. The bill is now paid in full. When Mr. Howell arrives today, I will give you to him because that is were you belong.” His large hand came up and caressed my cheek lightly. “I know you are not faking injury, mein Lieber. You were clinically dead for twenty minutes. If it was not for Erik’s incessant CPR, you would have died in the street, mein Sohn. For that action alone, I will allow Mr. Howell to be your companion because that is whom you have chosen. Blunt force trauma. Lack of oxygen to the brain. The fact that you are up and walking around is a medical mystery. It is as if a surgeon has cut out only the questionable parts of your character leaving behind the tender bits to the world’s mercy.” He caught my hand and urged it down from my face. He curled my hand towards him and pressed a gentle kiss to my line of knuckles. His eyes looked up into mine. “We both know that the world is far more cruel than merciful. Mr. Howell will shelter you from the storm. Because it is what you wish, mein Lieber, I shall shelter him for you. I will watch over both of you until you are capable of watching over yourselves.” I wearily forced myself to sit up. Henry moved back and even held my shoulders. I shivered involuntarily as he stroked his hand up and down my back. The action wasn’t meant to be sexual but his cock had stirred and was pulsing against my waist. He was monstrous. His cock matched his upper torso; coupled to narrow hips almost half his shoulder width and his bowed legs, it looked even more abnormal in size. “Trevor...”

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“Nimm die Hand von mir.” Henry pulled his body away from mine. “Are we done here? Did you get what you wanted out of this?” “I am a man of my word, mein Lieber. You are my son and the heir to the Audric fortune. Boy, if you come to me willingly, I will not take you back into my bed.” “I’m 33 years old, Henry. I’m nobody’s boy.” “Nonsense, you are my one and only precious son.” I was tired; mentally, physically, spiritually. I don’t remember ever being this tired. I couldn’t process this. It was too much. Yes, I understood why Erik and Henry physically and mentally assaulted me. They wanted the Devil. Only Tre-don was the direct link between the man I was and the man I am. If it was Henry’s intention to revive the street hustler, it was a monumental failure. I’m nobody’s son. I’m everybody’s toy though. Well I was wrong in some respects, I was good enough to fuck just not enough to love.

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Lesson Fourteen: A Small Blue Thing

I

was fucked; figuratively and literally. Physically my lower half felt detached but I managed to make my way out of Henry’s bedroom. Mentally my mind was racing. It was too much to hope that my Rubber-Baby-Buggy-Bumpers gang had left because I was supervised by the boss and sure enough there they were blocking the exit when I swung the door open. A beefy hand encircled my wrist preventing me from escaping them. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, but I knew the fire wouldn’t be drugging me and mixing me up in the middle of a Germanic British sandwich. “Take Master Trevor to his room in the west wing.” Henry called out to them. I swear they grunted in unison. “It is time to return to your life within this house Trevor. You can go back to your old room, mein Lieber. As a sign of good faith as your father, I grant you the whole of the west wing to do as you wish. This is way I can keep you close and still give you freedom to live your life. When Mr. Howell gets here later this afternoon, you and he can redecorate however you wish. I will have the kitchen send something for you. Your stomach was growling all night long. Kept waking me from a sound sleep. You should have eaten at the restaurant.” He didn’t sound the least bit sleep deprived and the tone of gentle admonishment coming from such a monster made my throat tighten as if I was going to vomit.

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I didn’t turn around. I really didn’t want to see his naked body again. We had a bath in the middle of the night, all three of us, but I could still smell the scent of him in my nostrils and I felt...dirty. I had been used. I wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of his sight. I nodded and allowed my guardians/jailers to assist me out of the room. I would like to say that I had the physical fortitude to suck it up and make it to ‘my’ wing of this Tudor monstrosity but I thought making it out the bedroom door was a damned good effort on my part. My legs were trembling. My ass was killing me. My vision was wonky so I was using the paneled walls as a brace and guide. I used a tremendous amount of energy to get as far as I did ... to the first corner in the hall. Damn it, it was there that my knees began to buckle. The Buggy Bumpers caught me and I found myself swung up in the arms of a hulk of a man. I am not a small man. Right now I might be weak and lacking muscle tone but these men were tossing me around like I was a cute little plushie animal. “It’s easier this way, Master.” He spoke soothingly in my ear when I made a sound of protest. I blinked at my carrier. Apparently by calling me Master, Henry had taken me off of injured reserve. Eldon met us in the hall. He had taken the time to don his usual garb, stepping back into his man-servant guise by pushing a loaded serving cart toward Henry’s room. “Trevor.” He nodded his head toward me and then passed by as if I had just melted into the wood work. Not too damn long ago he’d been holding my thighs open and wide as Henry worked his cock in and out of my well oiled portal. Now it was just a pleasant nod as if I had been hallucinating or that it was all a bad dream. Fucking Bastard! I fell asleep in the arms of the man who was carrying me, I was that exhausted after a night in my “father’s” room with Eldon assisting the man in raping me over and over. I roused, almost screaming in agony when my back side pressed into the bed as the guard settled me down on the king size bed. I was tucked under the covers quickly and the heavy drapery that had been opened to allow light into the room were pulled across effectively turning the room dark again. 211

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“Rest, Master Trevor. I will inform you when your breakfast is ready.” He didn’t wait for an answer. I got another head bow from him and he and the other hulks left the room. I had a headache. I had heartache. I was filthy. I wasn’t going to sleep reeking like this even if it was only in my head. Slow and steady wins the race. It didn’t matter that I ended up on my knees in the shower the good thing was that my skull never impacted the wall or the floor when I collapsed. I cleaned up, toweled off and trundled my way back into the bedroom wrapped in a warm bath robe. I seemed to have washed the cobwebs out of my head. This room was ... familiar. I stood stock still and let my gaze sweep the room. Book shelves upon book shelves, rock god posters, a desk cleared of everything but a state of the art computer circa seven years ago. This looked like a typical teenager’s bedroom and I knew that it was mine. My heart began to beat harder. I waited for the flood gates to open. Nothing. Nothing came back but ... this was mine. I couldn’t explain it, I just knew. There was a floor length mirror off to the side of a walk in closet. I stalked over as quickly as I could without taking a misstep and pulled the door open. This was my life once upon a time. On the left side of the closet were power suits, color coordinated as to suit, shirt and tie. I wondered if I had matching boxers too, I wouldn’t bet against it. I didn’t need to pull a hanger down to know that these were designer. Just the way they hung screamed money, class and a tailored, perfect fit. On the opposite side were t-shirts, jeans, leathers, mesh. It was as if this closet was used by someone with was a split personality. I laughed. Things would be simpler if I were. The suits were gifts. Henry would have wanted the younger me with him. I would have blended in a little better in Armani and Hugo Boss than black leather and mesh tank … during the business hours. I turned to the casual side, opened a drawer and pulled on a pair of boxers. Solid jewel tones in the purest of silk. It looked odd against my bruises. Everything was a little big. Not as baggy as the stuff Erik had… Erik. I looked over the closet. This was pre-Erik. Not that I was a fashionista, but the suit side was up to date. I reached up and fingered a jacket. The discreet tag was still there. Henry was still 212

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buying his Tre-don clothes. That should have creeped me out a bit but it didn’t. Erik had been watching from the wings and buying things for me as well. Erik and Henry. They were different as day and night. If they were Greek Gods it would be Apollo and Hephaestus. Why the hell were they both holding on so tight? I pulled on jeans and a plain white tank. There were bright and shiny shirts on one side meant to catch the attention. I really wanted to blend in now. I snagged a plain white dress shirt and shrugged into it. I stepped back into the main room and surveyed “my” room. I shifted my attention to the book shelves. I recognized the titles. Absently I fingered the spines moving from hard covers to paperbacks. The topics ranged from physics to...crypto zoology? Yeah, I was fascinated with Big Foot. My hands slipped over the books. These were mine. I knew these. For a kid who had to share everything growing up, I should have known that the old me was a hoarder. I stopped. My index finger was on a leather bound book. But it wasn’t a book. I pulled it towards me. It was a safe disguised in plain sight. I carried it back to the bed. Physically I was still drained but my thinking was more clear than it has been in a while. There was an elaborate brass plate on the front. Setting it down on the bed I pressed three spots at once and the faux gilded pages slipped forward revealing a drawer. My treasures. Licking my lips I pulled the drawer open. There was a clank. A green and blue marble rolled to the corner over top of yellowed papers. I found this in the basement of the orphanage. It was small enough that I could hide it so no one else could find it. I had hung onto it as if it were a sphere of solid gold. Times were hard then but the Sisters had done the best they could. I could have ended up in a state run facility. I could have turned out...like the Devil. I rolled the smoothness between my fingers. It was a comforting motion. I slipped it back into the box. The next thing I pulled out was a piece of folded paper. No, it was a legal document. Adoption papers. Henrich Audric had adopted Trevor Donahue. Wait. Didn’t Eldon mention something called Tredon Pharmaceuticals? Henry named a company after my whore name? I was still nineteen when this was signed. A couple of days before my birthday. Henry was officially my father. If he is so important why is he erased so completely from my memories? My hands were shaking. I set the 213

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paper down on the comforter. I valued this. I valued this piece of paper that made me Henry’s son. I wouldn’t have hidden it away if I didn’t. To display something is to make a showing of weakness. If you display something you value you are begging the world to try and take it away from you. Maybe it’s a test of your skill and mental fortitude to keep it, but if you truly value something – you keep it in a dark secret place. There was one more piece of paper in the book safe. My fingers brushed it. It was the back of a photograph. I pulled my hand back. I was scared. After all that I had endured these past few months why the hell was I terrified now? Come on, Trevor. Get a grip. Screw your courage to the sticking point. I pulled the photograph out and turned it over. Henry. A black and white photo of Henry sitting in an Adirondack chair on pure white sand as he glanced indulgently at me over his shoulder. His hair was disheveled from the topical wind but the smile on his face was genuine. Crows feet were pronounced at the corners of his eyes and lines were cutting into his cheeks that were going to give him jowls later in life. He was younger. He was happy. I could see the blue waves lapping up the shoreline in my mind’s eye. I didn’t feel scared of the water. The warmth of the sand beneath my feet didn’t send me into a panic...cause Henry was with me. I was cold. He took me somewhere warm. I was hungry. He fed me from his own plate. I was lonely. He procured me ‘entertainment’ for a night or a week, however necessary. I was loved. My chest constricted. Henry loved me. Once. Once, I loved him. It was hard to breathe. I trusted Henry. I believed in him. I let down my guard and let him inside. I gave him Trevor...I gave him myself. I gifted all of me to him. I gave him that yawning maw of emptiness inside me thinking he could fill it. Knowing that he would protect me. That he wanted me – the unwanted child of a junkie hooker. Only he didn’t want me the way I wanted him. He made me love him and then he abandoned me. He showed me what it was like to be warm and loving. To finally be inside the room with the warm fire with a cup of coca in a mug while the blizzard raged outside. He showed me everything I could have ever wanted then ripped it away with a stroke of a pen. 214

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I had loved him. I opened my heart and came to him willing to be his lover...and he made me his son. I grabbed at my chest as I clenched my teeth together in agony. This pain was worse than being shot. This came from my core. I had reached out to him with both hands, reaching for the brass ring that so many nuclear families take for granted and I got slapped down hard. Gooey gets smeared. I thought Henry would fill the void inside me, instead he made it bigger. He made me his son and he sent me away. I could have given a flying fuck about higher education. I just wanted to stay by his side. He forced me to go. Yes, Eldon and Henry and I had played together lots of times. We had to. It was the only way for me to be relaxed enough to take Henry into me without fear of damage. Once the adoption papers were signed, he quit touching me. It didn’t matter if I dropped to my knees in front of him, he would just pat my head like a puppy and leave me there quivering with rejection. I knew it was time to go when I walked in on Eldon and Henry tag teaming a blonde twink. It wouldn’t have torn me asunder so bad if Eldon had still been stretching the portal but Henry had the slut on his back with a pillow under his hips so he could get full penetration. This meant that they had been going at it for hours if Henry was able to do that and have his partner moaning in pleasure. I stood there watching; wanting to leave but unable to tear my eyes away from the mind numbing spectacle. Finally Eldon noticed me. He didn’t say a word but something on his face caught Henry’s attention and he turned his face towards me. “Trevor...” I remember feeling such rage. Fuck this prick. I recalled the weight of the glass ashtray in my hand. The pull of the muscles in my shoulder and arm as I slammed it down on the usurpers face. I broke his nose with my first swing. I wanted nothing more than to smash his face back into his brains. How dare he touch what is mine! I could feel the heat of his blood on my face. There was screaming and yelling. Henry knocked the bloody ashtray from my hand. I grabbed that blonde hair and dragged him off the bed. “Er ist mein! Er ist mein! ER IST MEIN!” I kicked the twink. I punched him. I rammed his head against the floor until Eldon got a hold on me. He ran his hand along my jaw line and found that spot that renders you unconscious. I brought my hand up and raked his face but he kept steady pressure 215

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up until my world started to get dark and my body refused to obey my enraged commands. “Give me Trevor.” I was jostled then the coveted scent filled my nostrils. I was back in my Henry’s arms. “How is he?” “He’s out. His nose is broken. His cheek might be as well. That was a lead crystal ashtray.” I was hanging on the edge of consciousness. I could ear every word. Why was Henry talking about that twink? He had me. He didn’t need anyone else. “I never suspected that Trevor could be so violent. He’s always been a good boy.” The warmth of Henry’s words swept along my skin. I leaned my head toward the warmth of his touch. “I told you to send him away when he got his letter of acceptance to MIT. You heard him, Henry. He is mine. Tre-don is not to be trusted. Don’t be alone with him.” What was Eldon saying? I would never hurt Henry. “You’ve seen his past history. There is no telling what drugs that woman was on while she was pregnant.” I heard rustling. “He is going to need an ambulance, Henry. I’ll get help and get him out of Manse. I’ll call 911 when we have him back at his corner.” “Give him double the going rate, Eldon.” “It might be more depending on the damage.” “It’s only money.” “Be careful with Tre-don. He’s been a little off since the adoption went through.” “I know that, Eldon. I’m not blind to his faults.” “Forgive the impertinence but you have this big blind spot when it comes to Tre-don. It might come back to bite you in the ass. ” “Trevor is a gift, Eldon. He is everything I have ever searched for even with his temper.” I could have purred as his hand ran along my cheek, if I could have moved. “His hair matches his temperament. Intelligent, passionate; a slave to his emotions.” I wasn’t before. Emotional that is. I was always controlled and concerned. I knew where I was and what was expected of me. I was a good Catholic boy ... until I fell in love. Hard. Why didn’t he love me back the way I loved him? Isn’t that the way it was supposed to be? It’s the way all those TV and movies showed it. You declared your feelings and your lover gave them back. Weren’t you supposed 216

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to bask in the shared love? I shared him with Eldon because it was a necessity, but not with anyone else. He wrapped me up in his arms. His chest was wide and steady as he carried me out of the master bedroom. I didn’t care where he was taking me. I had him all to myself. The way it was supposed to be. All too soon I felt the softness of a mattress under my ass. Henry laid me out on the bed. The mattress shifted slightly as he settled beside me. “Mein Lieber. It is by chance that we have met but I believe that the hand of fate brought us together. There are so many things I want to gift to you but you are not someone who takes gifts as if it’s your right. You earn your own way. That is a big reason why I admire you so much. Others would not have the strength to stand on their own much less strike out on their own.” His hand ruffled my hair. “If I had known that you were out there waiting...I never should have fucked you. I know your face when it is lost in pleasure. The flush of desire under your skin. The sweet cries of your voice. I have known you in the carnal sense and I regret it.” Shut up. I don’t want to hear this again. Again? The pain in my chest grew exponentially. I loved Henry. He was supposed to give me his heart to cherish. He wasn’t supposed to regret embracing me. “I see you in my mind’s eye, writing under Eldon’s ministrations but watching me.” A hand stroked my stomach, slipping under my shirt to touch my warm flesh. “To keep you just as a toy is wrong. You can be so much more. You will be so much more. That is why I made you my son. I leave this empire I’ve built to you. Women find me repulsive. Even my money cannot make me so appealing. I can spot gold diggers within the first second. You were never that. For someone who has always done without, my money didn’t impress you. That is a rare commodity in this world, mein Lieber. You are so beautiful to me. Your body. Your temperament. Your brilliant mind.” Familiar lips caressed mine. A sweep of tongue and then my jaw was urged open. He gave me a full on passionate French kiss. Whatever the hell Eldon did had paralyzed me. I lay under Henry’s embrace accepting his kiss, limp and wanting, when I wanted to wrap my arms around him. 217

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“You have the most beautiful mouth I have ever tasted.” His fingers stroked my lower lip. “You need to move on. I am an old man. You have your whole future head of you. I won’t hold you back. I won’t hold you like a street whore again. You are destined for so much better than that.” Henry leaned over and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Lovers come and go. Sons are forever. You need to forget me, mein Lieber.” Forget me. Forget me. You need to forget me. Tears were streaming down my face. Henry’s photograph was crumpled in my hand. I had wanted to make him my world. Instead he wanted to give me ‘the’ world. And what did I do? I forgot him. I replaced him. I shifted on the bed and the book safe slid off and landed on the floor. The marble bounced and rolled free to stop in the middle of the room. I reached out to him because I believed he wouldn’t reject me. He slapped me down. So I reacted like the rabid beast I was. I searched for someone he would covet. I hunted down weaker prey. Someone so fucked up that they would never think of abandoning me. My breathing got shallow. I found two. Olga and Erik. They wouldn’t let me go because I made sure that they couldn’t let me go. I turned to Erik because he was so damaged. He made me his world and he had no qualms about letting me know that. I slipped off the bed to my knees. Slowly I crawled toward the small marble. It was my treasure. My fingers plucked it from the carpet. It was blue green. It was azure. My Azure. I thought I was the victim. I played the wounded prey but it was all an act. I was the predator. I closed my fist around the azure marble and held it even though my hand was shaking. I set out to punish Henry. I shoved Olga in his face using her as a sacrificial lamb that he could destroy if he was jealous enough, if he wanted me enough and when she didn’t faze him. When it was clear that he didn’t care that I had such a beautiful woman in front of him, I knew that she wasn’t what I needed to make the man I loved, love me. So I searched for someone who would make him love me again. I searched for wounded perfection. I scoured until I found him. Someone who would make Henry covet me. Someone physically everything that Henry wasn’t. 218

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Erik was a god. Henry was a demon. But of the three of us, I was the one who was a monster. What the fuck have I done?

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Lesson Fifteen: Vergessen

V

ergessen Sie. Vergessen Sie. Vergessen Sie. Forget me. That litany was running around my head. Henry told me to forget him and I did. With forgetting him, I allowed myself a break from the rabid animal I was. The hurt, the anger the feelings of devastating betrayal were shoved away as well. I wanted that TV commercial I had watched while standing in the snow on a bitterly cold winter night. I wanted flowers and a diamond ring. Instead, Henry gave me a BMW, a higher education and the keys to kingdom of his fortune when he died. I didn’t want that crap. I still didn’t want that. I wanted this yawning hole deep inside of me filled. Vergessen Sie. Vergessen Sie. When I was someone else, the mild mannered bank teller, there was a wide patch over that hole. I wasn’t living a fulfilling life but it was satisfying. I wasn’t drinking the night away and smoking cigarettes until dawn. I wasn’t drowning in my own rage and disappointment when I was a bank teller. I was surviving. Vergessen Sie. My head hurt. It was a searing stab that throbbed intensely for a brief second than abated leaving me reeling in its wake. Actually, all of me hurt. Physically because of the extra inning marathon of sexual indulgence. Spiritually because ‘I’ killed someone. Not the defense mechanisms I had created to protect this me in the here and now but I did – Trevor the good catholic boy. But, then, I’ve never been a good boy. Good boys would have the TV commercial life. A mom who loved him. A mother who 220

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wouldn’t have left a newborn laying in the filth of the street not sober enough to even give a shit if her kid was alive or not. I would have had a father – a real father who wanted his son. We would have played catch. He would have taught me how to ride a bike. I would have had a last name. I wouldn’t have been Trevor, the stand alone. Vergessen. The pain in my head wasn’t leaving. I had to squint and my hands cradled my temples. I still had the blue green marble in my hand and rolled it like a smooth glass ball along my skin. I was heated. My face was flushed. My Azure Treasure. Did I stalk Erik down because he eyes matched my fondest treasure? All those things I had once done to Erik. I fed him lines to make him love me. I strung him along spinning my web around him until he was caught. He looked only at me. He existed only for me. All he did, he did for me and I had only wanted to use him to make Henry jealous. No. I loved him, didn’t I? I cared for him. I was sure of that. It might have started out as just a ploy to make Henry jealous but it was more than that now. Wasn’t it? It was. It had to be. I killed a man to keep Erik safe. It had to be love or else I was just a monster with no purpose. Erinnern Mich. Be careful what you wish for. The void was cracking open. It was cracking my skull open. Images began to bombard me. Faces lost in the dark. Men I’d killed because they got in Henry’s way. People I hurt to get what I wanted. Things I’d did, not because I wanted to, but because it was expected. I wanted the sister’s approval so I became a good boy. She still died although I needed her desperately. I needed Henry’s love so I became an ace student. But still he threw me away, that’s how I saw it anyway. There was a dial with hash marks, levels of inhumanity, somewhere back in the darkness of the mind that I dialed up one day. Living up to their needs didn’t get me what I desired. It didn’t fill the void. The screaming, yawning void. It was never silent. It was never filled. It was the monster inside me telling me that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t loveable that I deserved all the pain and humiliation I got because I wasn’t…I just wasn’t. It triggered a fight or flight reaction. I fought and at the same time fled back to the lonely child I once was. 221

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I didn’t want to be in the dark anymore. I needed someone to be my light, to illuminate my way, to keep me from the darkness of my soul. Erik became what he was because I asked it of him. It might have been a silent command but he heard it and became my Devil – and he was such a golden devil, so radiant. He was the light that I needed him to be no matter how much that brilliance might hurt him. He sacrificed who he really was for me. Who is to say it wasn’t a good choice for him, to be my shining light instead of the misfit embarrassment he was raised to be? This room was oppressive. Ripping at the curtains, I revealed floor to ceiling French doors that opened onto to an enclosed courtyard. I pulled open the door with a gasp of agony for stretching overworked muscles. If I continued to limp slowly, the agony that was my lower extremity probably wouldn’t hurt as much, but I couldn’t. I was claustrophobic, I needed to be out of there…NOW! The weight of this house was pressing heavily down on my shoulders. The weight of the expectations of others was as if I was bound in place by heavy chains, with no hope of escape. Even standing in the bright light of morning wasn’t enough to chase the heavy shadows away. I wanted to howl and scream but I was afraid that if I started, I wouldn’t stop. That would bring the henches in. I needed time… A man’s face exploded in a blast of red goo as I fired point blank. I killed him. I don’t know why. A woman looked up at me with tears on her cheeks but absolute hatred in her eyes. Her Dolce & Gabanna dress was ruined with bloody grey bits that once were her husband’s brains. I shot her too. Their image was replaced with a night so dark that the rapid fire of bullets leaving the muzzle was as beautiful as a fourth of July firework show. A warehouse full of people died that night by my order as I watched untouched. More physical memories battered at me. My legs almost buckled as the sensation of riding a powerboat as it slammed into the waves hit me. Another man with dark brown hair pulled back into a pony drove with confidence. He turned and grinned at me – a wide white smile on his tanned flesh. Gibby. His name was Gibby. He used to be my shadow. Henry sent him with me when I went to school. I liked Gibby. I considered him my best friend. I watched as the smile turned bloody and the sparkling blue eyes turned dull and flat as a red stain spread across his chest. 222

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Turn it off…I grabbed the sides of my head with both hands. Turn it off. I got him killed. I thought I was safe at school. I knew that Henry did some dark dealings but he was sure to keep that from me, but one day, that hand of darkness reached out and clawed me open. If I had been stronger. If I had been harder, Gibby wouldn’t have died trying to rescue me. They made a video of me captured and afraid as they tortured my nude body and sent it to Henry. Digitally recorded was my voice as I cried and begged for him to save me, I wasn’t strong enough then to tell them to go to Hell and Henry to forget about me…I think he gave them a million five to set me free. They didn’t live to spend it. I am sure that Eldon carried out that order. I couldn’t live in Henry’s world. I wasn’t worthy. I was a weakling despite my time on the streets. That pain. That horror. That loss of a friend was the catalyst. The dial was twisted over to the inhuman level and everything I was that wasn’t good enough, hard enough, brutal enough, cold enough, soulless enough to do, was wrapped up and tucked away. I grew the Devil inside me. I nurtured it. I fed it what it needed so Henry would never have to rescue me again. I knifed a blonde in the hand sticking him to the workbench to make a point. I cut off a man’s finger as proof of identity. I shot a man off a motorcycle with a night scope mounted on my rifle. Death. I was death to so many. I was fear to many more. My name was earned from a fountain of blood I left behind me. Shooting that father at his daughter’s birthday party was a cakewalk. I’d done worse without the batting of an eyelid. All in the name of Henry. All for Henry. The love who I thought rejected me so completely. And he did it again. Images were assaulting me. More death and destruction peppered liberally with drug deals, arms deals , the kinds of crap that badly made mafia movies portrayed, only it was my face in the starring role. I couldn’t escape who I was, what I was. I staggered and dropped to my knees on the rough walkway. The sunlight glinted brightly through my eye lids. Turning my head away I opened my eyes. A pool. My room looked out onto a pool. 223

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How fucked up was that? I don’t know what is worse, laughing or screaming. I ended up doubling over and holding my stomach. I was terrified out of my mind out of getting my ankles wet in a wading pool back on the island but here just outside my bedroom door is a lap pool. I watched as my azure treasure slipped out of my grip and rolled away from my grasping fingers. It rolled faster toward the rolled lip of the pool tile. I hoped that it would hit the rise and stop but it flew up into the air and then arced into the crystal clear water. It went plop. I crawled to the last place I saw it. I couldn’t lose it. I couldn’t lose my azure treasure now that it was returned to me. Once I got to the edge, I froze. Clear water. Deep water. Deeper than the wading pool. The mid morning sun was glistening off its surface sending shafts of painful light stabbing into my eyes. It hurt my brain. Everything hurt my brain. Hair black as night and brittle as a tree branch coated in ice after a storm. The acrid smell of dye still clung to his scalp. His limbs were tight around me dragging closer as his tears begged me to leave. “AAaaaahhhh, nnnnnngggggh...” His moans were like a choir in a vast cathedral; echoing and ethereal. He was young. I waited for him but he was so much younger than me. The heat of him was glorious as I rocked our hips together. It hurt. It didn’t matter how well I had played with him down there, he was a virgin in every sense of the word. He was coming into adulthood under me. His nails dug hard into my shoulders. The tension in his arms was making him shake. I drove myself fully into him again. “Nnnnnggghhhh.” His voice broke out loud as his neck arched backwards into the mattress. “Is this too much?” I held myself still as I was buried to the hilt. The heat of our conjoined flesh was thawing my frozen heart. “I didn’t plan on going this far today...” “Don’t stop....don’t stop now...Trevor...” Eyes the color of a blue green sea opened. They glistened with tears. They shined up at me. There was so much going on inside that head of his. One only needed to look into those azure eyes to see the daunting intelligence and fighting spirit in this frame. It was a shame that this pasty pale, 224

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chubby body housed such an indomitable will. One hand released his claws from my back and snaked into my short shorn red locks. His hand closed around the back of my head and he urged me down closer to him with more strength that it looked like his body had. His lips kissed at my ear. “You see me...don’t you? You see the me that I am and you’re not afraid.” I circled my hips up against him, “Erik...” “I can see you...I can treasure you...if you don’t trust… aaaahhhhhhh, aaaahh. Trevor! Show me the you that you really are. Let me see you. Treasure...let me see you.” He locked his ankles behind my ass so I couldn’t escape even if I wanted to. I didn’t want to. Erik washed the blood from my hands. He scrubbed the stains from my soul. The black faded from his hair and the golden strands began to gleam as it grew. It was as if he were returning light to my world, day by day, month by month, inch by golden inch. Those azure eyes looked at my core and for once I knew the peace of acceptance. Oh, it wasn’t blind acceptance. My Azure had a temper. Little by little my rescued mental hospital patient restored what I might have been. The yawning maw was plugged. It didn’t scream through the night anymore and if it did manage to re-open, the warm arms of a golden haired man held me tight until the worst of it was passed. He treasured me. Erik Howell treasured me so deeply that he couldn’t leave me living a happy life. I had a scar and a hole in my past. I was tabula rasa. I was content with my naivety then Erik came and stuck a gun in my face. He tried to resurrect his Lover. He left me broken and confused. He stole my life because I once stole his. No, I didn’t steal his life, I nurtured it, I let it grow as it deserved to. He would have withered and died in that mental institution. The expressive lightening in his eyes would have dimmed and one day it would have extinguished. Erik would have been nothing but an empty shell, robbed of all his potential because he didn’t fit in with the norm of society. Erik returned the favor I had given to him but the results of the experiment were flawed. Instead of simply freeing me from the doldrums life I was creating; Erik made sure that life was beyond resurrection. 225

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My Azure was a thorough boy. He fucked up the new life I was living; he dragged my face back into the limelight; he re-awoke the yawning maw in me knowing that he was the only one who could fill it. Not Henry. Definitively not Olga. He cut off every avenue of escape. Every direction I turned, he placed himself in my way so I had no choice but to run into his arms-- eventually. Once I had trusted him so completely that I had shown him my vulnerable center and Erik wanted it back. “The face you would show me is not the face you showed the world.” His soft words hit me like a speeding car. I had reached out to him. I had approached him like a puppy who wanted to be owned but had only been kicked and driven off so many times that hope was fading and all I could do was growl and snap at every raised hand. Hit them before they hit me. I was a feral beast. Erik. Beautiful, mercurial and oh so resolute, Erik who had made my recent life hell, had taken in a pathetic, needy stray. All those snapshots and mini movie scenes that had haunted me in my dark dreams of remembering were real. He took me into his arms and treasured me for who I was. Trevor. Just Trevor, me. Erik accepted the good. He accepted the bad. He even took on the mantle of my sins when I was incapable of carrying them on my own. He had given me my TV commercial. For five years, I was living my hearts and diamonds fantasy while keeping Henry happy with my work. This was a lap pool. For Henry, Tre-don had learned to hide his fear. For Erik, I had shown him my core where those fears lived. In the eyes of the world, The Devil learned to conqueror everything, even a lap pool. I knelt on my hands and knees at the edge of the pool and stared down into the still water. The reflection staring back at me wasn’t someone I knew. He was a brunette. The face was still young enough to pull off the modern hairstyle and color Henry had insisted on. Having my forehead pressed into the sheets one thrust at a time had made the hair spikey. Brunette hair. Brunette eyebrows. My skin looked even paler with the darker hair. The bathrobe was half off my shoulders so it was easy to shrug it off. The body reflected was nude, totally devoid of body hair and bruised here and there with the evidence of what Henry and that 226

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bastard Eldon had done to me only hours ago. My hair might be changed but the skin of a red head holds so much of a tale. The water held the reflection of a whore. Verschwinde. Disappear. Me. The me of the here and now wanted...what? I wanted... I wanted that dark hole in my soul filled. Everything could be laid at my feet, every damnable action, every selfish desire, every....thing, I had done, remembered or not, was to fill that hole inside me. It still was a gaping wound. He filled it in the past. He made me happy. All those smiles from my spotty memory told me that I had made him happy. My Azure. I wanted my Azure. I heard the sound of chopper blades approaching. Thump, thump, thump. Erik. The Devil’s Advocate approaches. He wouldn’t wait for Henry’s scheduled pick up. I squinted and raised my hand to look up. A rounded belly of a flying machine soared over the high Spanish tiled roof. The ‘why’ Eldon had wanted me to ask was something I already knew. The same with Henry’s repeat of the same question. Why did they do this? Why did he do this? Why was this happening to me? Why, why, why? They had seen me as the street walker. They had watched me as the Devil. They had seen me happy and at peace. They all fucked me over in the name of love. As a father to a son. As a mentor to a student. As a lover and a soul mate. They did all this in the name of love, because they wanted me happy. It was rather fucked up, but we all were screwy in varying degrees. The wind of the blades picked up as the copter swung around and came back toward the house. The calmness of the pool was broken by wavelets kicked up by the power of that hovering machine. The reflection was broken and the thrall I was under by just staring at it was broken. I was precious treasure to my Azure. Just as he was to me. I pushed myself back to my haunches and stared up at the flying machine. The pain that was my skull had faded back to a wicked hangover level. The sound of the copter was like a sonic boom ripping though my brain. The darkness wasn’t done with me yet. How could it be? I’d killed hundreds of people. I’d hurt thousands more through my actions. 227

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A face flashed in my mind’s eye. A face in transition between the lingering freshness of youth and the hardness of man. My body locked up. It froze. I began to tremble. That face... Those dark cruel eyes. His hand reached back and he hit me in the face with all his power. I heard my neck vertebrae creak as my head snapped sideways. Darkness swooped down and wrapped me up in a smothering blanket. How could I have forgotten? How could I have forgotten the face of my first rapist? I felt the coolness of water close over me, but it was so distant, so far from me. I didn’t want to relive this! I had shoved it away so hard in the back of my mind that I could convince myself that it never happened. I felt his hand close around my throat, cutting off my air. I can’t breathe. He won’t let me breathe. I couldn’t do anything but stare up into to dark hate filled eyes as he strangled me. Azure...

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Lesson Sixteen: Light Glistens in the Darkness

I

was locked, trapped, in a demon’s nightmare as that man punched and kicked me until I was hanging on the edge of unconsciousness. I knew what happened next: the ultimate violation. It was more than just a physical act. He tore me asunder. The void within had been buried under the love of a possible new mother and new father but...he tore the void back open, forcing it wider to eat all that I held good in my young life, all that I longed for. One moment I was there feeling all that horror once more then the next, my lungs were burning. I thrashed in the water. In my panic I couldn’t find which way was up. I swallowed and choked. My throat burned. I took a deep breath...calmness descended. I opened my eyes as I felt my body grow heavy, my lungs were weighing me down like diver’s ballast. I should be fighting. I should be clawing my way up to the surface but I was tired. That drug might have left my body malleable but I never got any rest during that sexual marathon. Now I was at the bottom of the pool looking up into the distortion of the sky through a couple of meters of water above my head. Then I was floating above everything looking down at the pool that held my drowning body. An out of body experience. It was like watching a made for TV movie.

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Camera pan around to show Henry’s huge manor -- the very facade of respectability. Everything that glitters is not gold. How true. There was a body drifting on the bottom of the tiled pool. Arms hanging limp in the water. Dark brown hair swaying like seaweed in the ocean. Everything so still. Still and quiet. The screaming had stopped. It was blissfully quiet now. I could stay in this peaceful silence forever. Was it this quiet for others? Was this the soul-felt peace something others took for granted? I liked it here. I searched for this feeling in my scattered memories and found several gleaming strands of light coiled in and around each other. It made a small gleaming ball of light with strands hanging loose here and there. I tugged one end with my transparent hand and a strand of brilliance floated to me. Oh yes… The Reys. After all the reasons for rejection that I had heard as I had stood beside Sister Mary Margaret’s desk; there was a couple who wanted to take me home with them. Naomi Reys didn’t think that my hair was too red. She didn’t think I was too small for my age or too scrawny. Frank Reys didn’t glare at me and demand to know ‘What’s with the stare?’ They were empty nesters, Naomi and Frank had come to fill the hole in their life now their son had moved off to college. They were everything a little orphan could have wanted. Their love was unconditional. If I had ever sat down and made a list like those kids did in that Disney movie with the nanny, they would have met my every criteria. I came to their house prepared to be a good boy so the Sisters would be proud of me. I never asked for anything. I never made any demands and in return I got everything a normal little boy could have wanted. I was sent to the local elementary school. I was beyond the grade four curriculum but my social skills were lacking so they kept me with kids my age. I started making friends. They talked about adoption...right in front of me. Naomi was going to be my Mom. Frank was going to be my Dad. I was going to have an older brother. I was excited and couldn’t wait for the holidays to meet him. To meet Richard, Richie, my big brother. It was every orphan’s dream. I should have known. Dreams are for other people. 230

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Then...then darling Richie came home for Thanksgiving. For several weeks I basked in the dreams of a happy family and loving home. I had a big brother. I had parents. I had a full belly. I had clothes that fit and my shoes were new. I should have known. Naomi and Frank went off to a neighbor’s Christmas party leaving me with Richie as my babysitter. His hand was in my hair ruffling my head as Mom and Dad headed off down the sidewalk. They turned and waved at the end of the white picket fence that was decorated with cedar boughs and big velveteen ribbon bows. I waved back and I think I shouted something about being careful on the ice. The door closed and Richie got into the giving spirit. He gave me a hard punch to the face. The taste of blood exploded in my mouth as my lip split and my teeth cut up the inside of my cheeks. That was only his first present. Richie beat the crap out of me. Less than twenty minutes ago he was teasing me over the cranberry stuffing and now he kicked me in the stomach until I brought up the festive dinner. He said nothing as he punched and kicked me then...then...he raped me. Half naked, broken and bleeding laying on the newly laid linoleum of the kitchen floor, he stood up and zipped up his pants. During all that brutality he said nothing, only panting hard from the exertion of beating me. Finally, he spoke. “These are my parents. This is my house. I don’t share.” I couldn’t move. He dragged me out of the house by my arm and threw me into the back yard. I ended up sprawled in the light dusting of snow. “You come back here, I’ll fuck you again. Get the fuck back to whatever gutter you crawled from, whore. You’re not mooching off my parents.” He threw out my new winter boots and my puffy Michelin man type coat then slammed the back door and shut off the outside lights. I lay out in the snow until it started to burn. Thinking about it now, I was in shock. One minute I had the world, the next it was knocked out of my hands. My hands shook as I forced my feet into the warmth of the new boots. I shrugged my coat on pulling down my reindeer prancing cranberry colored sweater to cover my sore hips and ass. My pants and underwear were laying on the kitchen floor. I just 231

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remember it being so cold that my tears seemed to freeze on my face. Somehow I made it back to the orphanage. I had hypothermia and was delirious. After seeing my injuries the Sisters took me back into their fold. It was a different time then. This wasn’t reported. The Reys came looking for me all concerned and worried. Richie had told them he wanted me to do the dinner dishes but I pulled a tantrum and ran away. When I showed up back at the orphanage I didn’t have to say a damned thing. The Sisters knew what happened. They had seen my type of injuries before. They were like border collies protecting their precious wounded little lamb and drove the confused clueless Reys off. When I recovered from the worst of my injuries I wasn’t trotted out for the adoption parade anymore. But did I recover? It was unimaginable cruelty to give someone a glimpse of everything they were missing in their life, everything they dreamed of, then take it away. It taught me that yearning for what you wanted got you hurt beyond anything I could have imagined before that night. This was when a new harder shell began to form around my heart and emotions. Internally I didn’t feel like me anymore. I showed the Sisters what they wanted to see, what made them comfortable caring for me. I didn’t want them to worry any more than they needed to. But inside, I was disconnected. Tre-don was wrapping around me like an insulation blanket. It was as if Richie had pulled a plug out of a socket. I was in the dark but it was comforting because in the dark I could be however I wanted to be and right then, I wanted to be alone. I dropped that string of light, the string that showed what I lost that night. It wasn’t Naomi and Frank’s fault. It wasn’t my fault. I was just a kid. I was happy to be part of a family even if it was only three months. Another string tangled in my fingers. I coaxed it to me. A happy memory in its own way… It was a repeat of upstairs in Henry’s bedroom. A younger me, not yet filled out, eighteen years old but still growing so I was all gangly limbs. The Sisters had done their best but I always had a continuous gnawing in my belly as my arms and legs begged to grow. 232

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Henry asked for so little as he fed my appetites, all my appetites. It had been common sense to reject Eldon’s proposal when he showed up on my street corner that cold winter night. Who the hell knew what was going on? For all I knew this mysterious benefactor was going to make a snuff film with me in the staring role. Safer to just say no thanks to an offer that seemed too good to be true even when it meant the difference between warmth and a freezing night wind that cut like a knife. But when I did agree Henry never treated me like I was something less than a partner. I’d seen how he treated hustlers he didn’t plan on seeing again. He never treated me with that disregard. I think it was the level of respect that made me fall hard for him. Even though I had sex with men for money when I came to live with him he never treated me as a lowly whore. He took me to his bed, with Eldon’s participation, but he also took me to special events, galas, black tie balls, fancy restaurants, premiers and conferences, just him and me. I was given a go-pher job so I had something to do during the day. I know Eldon was surprised that Henry had me working for him. I learned that the pretty boys Eldon got for Henry usually only lasted a few days. They usually were given a wad of cash and driven to the hospital or set back on their corner. None got real jobs. None of those boys got to eat at Henry’s table. None of them got to sleep in Henry’s bed; no sex, just sleep. Henry evened out my life. I knew what was expected of me and the schedule never changed. Until then I didn’t know I liked predictability. I guess when you didn’t get it in your life, if it finally became the norm, order was a nice change of pace. I was truly happy then. My spectral self frowned. “Henry truly loved me then, didn’t he?” “If you love someone let them go...” When I showed an aptitude for computers, Henry got me ready to take my SATS and to get through the interview at MIT. I took that effort on Henry’s part as rejection and betrayal. Because I was too young and stupid to just talk to him about my feelings I embarked on a path of destruction of our relationship just to show him I didn’t care. That he didn’t have the power to hurt me. “If they truly love you they will come back...” I came back from school with Olga in tow. 233

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“If they don’t, you go out and hunt them down and make them come back.” Henry never let on how much it hurt, or even if my petty attempt at rubbing a womb and breasts in his face rated anything like the betrayal I felt when he sent me away. I had been happy here. This Tudor monstrosity that I called home was really my first home. All I knew or thought I knew was that Henry was trying his damnedest to get me out of his face. Since the time I tried to kill one of his little boy toys, he was very careful not to have any ‘guests’ around when I was home. Home. Yes, that is what this place was. My home. I might have the body of an adult but my reactions were like a school bully in the playground. He hurt me, so I’d retaliate harder. I set out to get someone to shove into his face, someone beautiful and strong looking but weak enough that they would never think of betraying me. Because they were weak, they would never be able to touch my bruised and bleeding core. They could never hurt me because I would never care enough to be vulnerable. I was looking for the perfect man when Olga Kenovich decided to pursue me. She had a reputation as a man eater. She was a female sexual predator. It was like recognizing like at first sight. I let her run me down until I caught her. She thought she was the great huntress but she didn’t know she was just a spitting kitten compared to me. She was beautiful. She was stacked. She had book smarts but inside she was just as twisted as me. No, strike that. She wasn’t as twisted, she was desperately searching for love. She wasn’t going to get it with me but she fit the bill because I was desperately searching for revenge. Since this was a stab at the heart that I thought Henry had pulled away from me, bedding her was just business. She had devoured the boys on campus. She was sexually dynamic and knew her stuff. These little boys didn’t stand a chance against her. What ever Olga wants, Olga gets. She didn’t know that she had stepped into my world and she was dancing to Tre-don’s tune. I brought her home. Henry just smiled and made her feel welcome. The next time we came back to a visit I made sure that he saw us making out in the entertainment room. I made sure to make it dirty and wicked. I showed him just how Olga’s natural breasts bounced as I slammed into her. I made her mewl and cry out in ecstasy. If he hadn’t wanted to see this, he would have turned on his heel and left but he stood there off to the side of the doorway, 234

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partially hidden in the dimness of the room. I knew he was still there as Olga screamed out her orgasm. She was just a means to an end. I stared at him as I caught her hips and began thrusting hard into her. I only broke eye contact when my own orgasm ripped through me. When I finally re-focused my eyes, he was gone. Not only had he left the entertainment room, I found out the next morning that he had suddenly gone off on a trip – without Eldon. My black little heart danced with joy. I hurt him. I showed him just how much it ached to be tossed aside. How every single breath stabbed something deep inside of me and now he felt that pain too. I wanted him to ache every day. Eldon had tolerated me until that point. He saw what I was doing but Henry loved me so much there was nothing Eldon could do to stop me. That was when Tre-don became his least favorite person, I’m sure he was glad when I disappeared. I hurt Henry every chance I could get because I thought he had thrown me away and I wanted him to know how much rejection hurt. I was too selfcentered even then to realize that if I could actually hurt Henry didn’t that mean he cared? It was my final year of school when I finally gave Olga a yes answer to her demands to get married. I didn’t love her. She was like a running mate. A fellow pack member. If she disappeared, I really wouldn’t have cried any tears for her. It was just sex. Olga thought that she taught me how to be a predator. She thought I was her tender protégé as we cut a sexual swath through campus. It didn’t matter to either of us, male or female, student or faculty member or someone from the street, they all came and knelt at our feet to offer us sex of all manner and content. We were a striking couple. Her yellow hair and her 1940’s pin-up body was a compliment to my hellish red hair and aloof arrogance and buff body. She wasn’t kidding when she told me back on the island that I fuck anything that moved. I had charm and grace and knew the right words to say to anyone to get them into our bed. I made sure that Henry’s body guards knew who I was doing and reporting it back. I was a fucking asshole. I dragged Olga into my mess. I entangled her so much that she couldn’t break free even after I dumped her. She was still hanging on when I couldn’t even remember her. No matter what shit I put her through she was strong enough to never let me see her tears. 235

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Even on her wedding day, before a crowd of 250 of her family and Henry’s friends when I left her at the altar, in her Vera Wang dress, diamond princess tiara, holding her exotic orchid bridal bouquet when it became obvious that I wasn’t showing up, she kept her dignity. That was the one thing that finally made me admire her. I kicked her in the teeth and humiliated her, and therefore Henry, in front of all his friends. She showed her true colors of courage and guts when she refused to bow to the pain of what I had done to her and to Henry by not crying even one tear. In doing this, I showed my colours which were muddied and yellow by disappearing first as Tre-don then metamorphosing into The Devil. Olga was better than me. She was too good for me. I was a complete bastard. Floating just above the pool, I looked down at myself lying still at the bottom, not struggling any more. Piling my sins one on top of the other they weighed me down. Had I never given anyone goodness in my miserable life? Had it always been about me? My Azure Treasure marble lay beside my hand on the bottom of the pool. Had I always been a feral dog who couldn’t accept kindness? It seemed I couldn’t find happiness so I dragged everyone down to share my suffering. I was better off drowning here. With my death, so many could be released from my web. They couldn’t break free on their own, so I would do some good by dying and it seemed appropriate that the method of my death was the thing I feared the most. As my last act I could finally do some good in this world by leaving this life without a struggle. I watched as my hand twitched, then my fingers closed around the round smooth marble, my azure treasure, I didn’t want to leave without it, selfish as always. My victims; generous Henry, pathetic Olga, faithful Eldon, my dearest Erik, that little girl who just had a birthday party she would never forget…and all the countless, nameless others who suffered my rage; I would release them from my twisted grip. I would set them free... See. I could be a good boy.

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Lesson Seventeen : Treasure

D

ying wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. I always thought I would go screaming off into that dark night. I had fought for so long and so hard all my life. This dying thing was easy. It was quiet. I appreciated the quiet. I relished the quiet… The remaining strand of lights wrapped around my hand and snaked up my arm. Winding securely around me moving up until my torso was wrapped in the glittering light. A familiar warmth flooded through me. Erik. Golden hair and azure eyes. He had the body of a god and the soul of a poet. He was that when I found him. Physically no, but his core was pure. I couldn’t kid myself at a moment like this. I chased him until he caught me and he tamed me to his hand. I didn’t deserve him. He was far too good for me. I knew it. I knew it but I wasn’t going to let him go. My Azure. Erik. Memories drifted up to me settling across my mind like a comfort blanket placed on my chest by a loving mother. Not that I would really know the feeling of having a loving mother but Henry was a little like that, he did take care of me until he threw me away, at least that is what I thought at the time. Then suddenly I was going to get married and Henry had thrown Olga and me a lavish engagement announcement party. Once more disappointing me to no end. I still wanted him to go all cave man on me. Drag me away from her and lock me up in his 105 room mansion so he could keep

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me all to himself. He got Michael Bolton to perform at our soiree. That was the only saving grace of the night. It was after that fiasco that Olga’s presence in my life became unbearably annoying. Her ranting about my lack of attention to her needs was laughable because she was still out there in the world being a very effective predator. Apparently her conquests were duds in the sack so I took her to bed to just shut her up. I did my boyfriend duty and left her sleeping in our queensized bed. She was really grating on my nerves. Her presence wasn’t doing what I needed it to do and the effort to keep her around and be even remotely pleasant about it was becoming taxing. The sex was a chore. She should be paying me be for putting up with her rapacious sexual appetite. No, that was cruel of me. I needed to get fucked if not by Henry then by another man. Olga was aggressive but I needed a man at my back not a sexually frustrated woman. I was heading back to my plan. I needed someone who would make Henry eat his heart out. Someone so damned beautiful that one would be afraid to touch him because one wasn’t worthy. I took a shower to wash myself clean of Olga’s scent then took my frustrated self to my computer. I found him by accident in a chat room one evening. I knew my role playing partner was younger by the way he typed. Maybe I should say, how he role played; but, that didn’t bother me, rather it intrigued me. Soon we abandoned the role playing game and were privately chatting together. Once in a while I’d toss something in that was a little bit more my bent in life. He would pause then either down play it or else he would give me back something I didn’t expect. I loved him before I even knew what he looked like. His mercurial moods came through in his writing. I knew he was bipolar before he even confessed it late one night just before we signed off. When he was manic, his thoughts were lightening quick and he challenged me, he pushed me to keep up with him. It was exhilarating. He confided after a couple of months of nightly chats that I seemed to help him snap out of his depression or keep it at bay. I thought he was giving me too much credit but I accepted his thanks. I began wooing him online. I was a predator after all. My Azure wasn’t stupid. It took me three months to get his real name. I 238

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could have gone all computer geek and tracked him down through his ISP provider and accounts, but this was turning out to be more than a side game for me. I valued the little bits of information that he doled out to me. To take more than what he was willing to give wasn’t a thought that had crossed my mind. Then one night, he logged on and told me this was the last time we would chat. His parents were institutionalizing him. Enough was enough. I could do little more than sit there and read my computer screen as he began to electronically cry on my shoulder as I was sure that he was doing in real life as he typed this message. He had stopped his meds because they dulled his mind but his Mom had found his hidden stash of pills. That same day, he had gotten into a fight at school which ended with a couple of juniors in the hospital and him in jail. He was only out tonight pending psychiatric evaluation. I felt his heartbreak and fear through his keyboard. That night I got his life story. His name. Erik David Howell. His address. His hopes and dreams and his tears. The news that he was going to be locked up the next day stunned me. I took a punch to the heart. He was only sixteen; far younger than I thought he was. Still it wasn’t that there was such a huge age difference between us after all I was only twenty-one but I had the life experience of a thirty-year old. I reached out as if I could physically comfort him and dragged my fingertips along the screen. He never asked for help. He never begged for me to come and take him away. If he had, I would have climbed in my BMW and drove to him. I would have kicked in their front door and rescued him in my silver steed. But even with Henry’s money, I couldn’t do anything to help him. Erik was a minor, I was not his guardian and I would have ended up in prison at the least, contributing to the delinquency of a minor or if Henry’s slick lawyers couldn’t get me off perhaps for kidnapping but I would have done it if he asked me to. I think Erik knew that. Even way back then, before we met face to face, my Azure was protecting me from myself. There was nothing I could do. He knew that. I knew that, it didn’t make things any easier for either of us. On that final chat we talked until they came for him in the morning and practically dragged him away from his computer. They allowed him to hurriedly signoff, to shut down his pc and just 239

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before he did that is when Erik called me his ‘Treasure’ for the very first time. Then...then he disappeared from my life. I had never touched him. I’d never seen his face but I wanted him with such a yearning in my heart. Sixteen years old and locked away in a mental hospital otherwise he would have ended up in Juvenile Hall until he was twenty-one. Somehow I made it back upstairs to my bedroom. Olga was still asleep all snug our bed with visions of wedding dresses running in her head. The sad thing was that I didn’t care enough about her to hate her. Even when it was new and fresh, she never made my body yearn or my heart race the way it did when I was sitting in front of the computer waiting for him to log on. Sixteen. I couldn’t go and get him for at least two years. “Love? What are you doing over there?” Olga turned over. Her generous breasts spilled out of the slinky bodice of her lingerie and the light of the full mood kissed her skin, making her seem like a moon maiden come to earth. I could do her for another 730 days. “Just enjoying the sights.” “Come to bed.” Treasure. He called me Treasure. It was a long 730 days but worth the wait. My attention was snapped back to the present as the light strands snapped and broke away. The gentle warmth faded away leaving me hollow and cold. The helicopter hovered as low as possible without danger of hitting the roof of the manor. The side door opened and Erik stepped out onto the rail. What was he? No! Don’t do that. You’ll get hurt!! He flung himself out of the chopper and splashed hard back first into the pool. My heart stopped. I was still floating above the pool watching everything. It was like watching an action movie. He grabbed the still body, my still body and hauled me back to the surface. He broke water with me cradled close to his body. He pulled my face up resting it against his shoulder and anchored my unmoving chest against his own. He was so strong. His hand hit the edge of the pool and he dragged us to the side. “HELP!!! SOMEBODY!!!!” The sound of the chopper so close to the house had staffers peering out. Erik slipped his arm under my legs and lifted me out of the water completely. He pushed my naked and bruised body up onto 240

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the aggregate of the pool walkway. What he saw made him pause for just a brief second then I was given the privilege of watching him perform CPR. I watched as he checked my airway. Two quick breaths of life. Cup hands together and mark my sternum then compressions. Whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp. He should have been counting to ten. “Trevor...Trevor...Trevor... Trevor...don’t you do this...” He shifted his weight so he was kneeling across from my head. His hand angled my head back and then there was the kiss of life. His lips sealed mine. His fingers pinched and sealed my nostrils. Two breaths in. He moved back down to my chest. “Don’t leave me...Treasure don’t leave me again.” Erik. Kiss. Compression. “Sorry...I did everything wrong. Tell me what you want me to be...” No, you did nothing wrong. I just didn’t remember. That wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. You did everything right, Azure. Kiss. Compression. “Come back Trevor. Come back and I’ll change. Don’t go just because of me...” Don’t cry, Erik. I feel so helpless when you cry. Kiss. Compression. “Don’t leave me again! Please... please… Trevor...don’t...leave me behind. I love you. Only you. Only Trevor...” Oh, Erik... The door leading out of my room burst open and Eldon came running out leading more staff. Eldon had a gun. Why would he have a gun? No...Erik didn’t do this. Eldon! The sensation was like going down into a water slide tunnel. I was sucked back down from my hovering spot. The immense freedom I had was now shoved into a narrow neck and then corked. My heart was in my throat as I slammed back down onto the rough surface surrounding the pool. Erik slammed his full strength down into my chest. WHOMP! I threw up, once...twice...I gasped as air slammed back into my deprived lungs. I choked on another gasp as sharp stabbing pains of broken ribs killed my attempt at taking a deep breath. I coughed and gagged spitting up more water. 241

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“Trevor!” Erik threw himself down on me grabbing onto my arms as his tears ripped through my black soul and washed it clean. He pulled me upright wrapping his arms around my torso in a tight bone grinding hug. I gasped aloud again this time more from pain. My vision was blurry and limited. I was disoriented and confused. It had gone from seeing everything blurry to blinking in clarity. The light of the day was stabbing into my head. I couldn’t see well but I knew the shape of a gun muzzle. I don’t know where my strength came from but I rolled Erik onto his back and threw myself over him, shielding him with my body against a bullet. “Don’t touch him. Nobody touches him.” My throat was raspy and burned from the chlorinated water. I tensed waiting for the gun shot but just succeeded in aggravating my broken ribs. I panted on Erik’s chest. His left hand reached up and pressed on the back of my head until my cheek rested against his neck. I smelled like pool water. Erik smelled like...heaven. “Don’t cry anymore.” My voice hurt to talk. I laid still listening to the heart beat of my love under my ear. His hands came up, curving around me to hold me in a loving embrace. “...Treasure...” “Trevor!” Eldon stopped finally realizing I wasn’t being attacked but being saved instead. “Medical emergency! Quick!” He uttered tersely to the men surrounding him. The gun was holstered and I felt Eldon’s hands on my back pulling me off of Erik’s warmth. I hissed as his hands ran over my broken ribs. I tried to reach out to Erik. He caught my hand and I hung onto it with all my might. “You are going to tell me what happened here.” Erik’s voice was cold, so cold compared to the warmth of his hand in mine. I shivered. The sun was bright but I was so cold. A blanket was draped over me. It did nothing to warm to me at all. All I needed was Eric’s body draped over me to feel warm again. “Why is he bruised like that?” “I am not at liberty to say, Mr. Howell.” Eldon was following orders as usual. “Who the hell is at liberty to say then? He wasn’t messed up like this when you took him off the island.” “Mr. Howell...” Henry had just arrived. “Who raped Trevor!?” 242

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“It was not rape, Mr. Howell. It has been a while since Trevor and I spent an evening together and I am afraid that my over endowment and enthusiasm got the better of me.” Erik’s hand tightened around mine. “Trevor consented?” “My son was in no condition to offer up consent.” “Then he was also in no condition to say no.” “Schwiegersohn, I have said that you are quick.” “You hurt him.” “We did not. If Eldon and I didn’t do it the way we did, mein sohn would have been in need of medical attention but when we were finished he was fine.” “He was not fine. What the hell do you call this?” I could feel Henry’s eyes on me sheltered in the blanket and held in Eldon’s embrace. “I do not know what this is.” Erik’s voice was rising. “You hurt him so bad that he had no alternative but to try and commit suicide. In the water! He’s terrified of water!” “Trevor is an excellent swimmer. He ordered the lap pool installed himself.” “That was before the accident. Now he can’t even walk across a wading pool.” I squeezed Erik’s hand hard. He glanced down at me and the fire in his eyes took my breath away. So expressive. So bright. So full of life. He was off his pills. “Fell...fell…” “Then why didn’t you stand up, Treasure? It wasn’t that deep. Why didn’t you stand?” “You...did...no...thing...wrong.” Every breath was a sharp stab. I couldn’t fill my lungs with enough air to make a sentence. “Sirs, the ambulance is here.” “Bring them here.” Eldon barked out sharply. “Sorry...” I could only whisper now. Erik bent over pressing his cheek close to mine. “If you fell in you have nothing to be sorry for, Trevor.” “...hurt you...” “Sssh...rest.” “...don’t hurt...you.” “You can’t hurt me, Trevor. I’m sorry you got hurt. I wasn’t on my game. I let my guard down. I won’t let that happen again.” The next moments were a flurry of activity. The staff moved around clearing a path for EMS and a gurney beside us. Erik fell 243

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back to allow then to work on me. A blood pressure cuff was strapped to my arm and squeezed until it pinched and numbed my arm. They flashed light in my eyes. Fingers pressed against my ribs. I grunted once and a wave of gray swept over me. Not as bad as the blackness of the needle but just as overwhelming. “We think he tried to drown himself.” I heard Henry tell the paramedics. “Trevor said he fell.” Erik returned. “How did he get these bruises?” Erik’s voice was cool and blunt. “That’s what I want to know.” “Back up. On three.” I was lifted onto the gurney and a blanket was laid back over my nakedness. Straps were tightened across my legs and hips. Carefully my shoulders were pressed down and another strap was tightened across them. I held out my hand to Erik. He caught my fingers and I dropped my most precious treasure into his palm. He glanced down. It was such a small blue-green thing. He picked it up with his fingers of his other hand and held it up to the light. The only reason I saw it was that Henry was directly behind Erik. All color blanched from his face as Erik held the marble with his thumb and forefinger. “Trevor?” He was puzzled. “...safe...” Henry took two steps closer as if to make sure that it was what he thought it was. My most special treasure. I freaked on him that one time he found it in my discarded clothes. I screeched at him when I woke up from a night of tag team debauchery to find him touching my precious azure marble. There was no rhyme or reason for my possessiveness. Well, maybe there was. It was the only thing that I alone owned. I didn’t have to share with countless others. I sure as hell didn’t share it with Henry. And he knew it. Henry’s voice had lost the hard tone of battle. “I’ll make sure Mr. Howell keeps it safe for you, Trevor.” The gurney was raised and the wheels were locked into place. “We can bring one relative along with us.” “Mr. Howell will go with you.” “What relation is he?” “He’s Trevor’s husband. We will meet you there. Eldon bring the car around.” 244

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Erik closed his fist around the marble as he turned back to Henry. “This doesn’t mean that we’re square. Just because you’re Trevor’s father...” “You won, Mr. Howell. Don’t be a gloating winner. Go with him. He needs you far more than he needs me.” The rumbling of the wheels on the pool deck shouldn’t have been that rough but my ribs protested. I groaned. Whatever else Erik was going to say was swallowed as he hurried to my side. The journey out of Henry’s mansion was excruciating. The only saving grace was that Erik held onto my hand every step of the way. I should tell him I remembered everything. That I recalled everything I had done, that I had endured, that I had set into motion. No. Once upon a time, I wasn’t a good person. I wasn’t a good person but I wanted to be. Even after all these years, Erik David Howell was still a better man than me. His grip was warm. It was comforting. Now that I had found him in the dark recess of my mind once again, I was never letting go. I tightened my fingers around his. He squeezed back. I was tired. My eyes drifted shut but I was aware of the heat furnace at my side. I think I smiled as I drifted off. I had what I wanted and I was never letting go. Never. Ever.

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Finals

I

awoke in a private room bathed in the light of the sun that shone brightly through the big picture window that made up the fourth wall. I noticed that it was safety glass crisscrossed with embedded wire and then there were bars outside the window. It looked like no one believed me when I said I fell into the pool. What clinched it was the fact that both of my wrists were buckled into restraints. I couldn’t breathe deeply. My chest was taped tight. Oh, broken ribs. Where the tape touched my chest burned. I hoped they hadn’t use paper tape because I was allergic to it. I remembered that. My left hand ached from where the IV needle was stuck into me and taped down, it burned too so I was thinking that I would have to remind someone that paper tape was a no no. The shield in my mind had collapsed exposing the missing parts of my life. The most hurtful. The most precious. The good; the bad and the exceedingly ugly visions of myself all finally there for me to see. My whole life was before me and God, some of those visions, the ugly ones were truly black and twisted. But they were me. I groaned as I turned my head. It hurt, who knew that moving my head to the side used chest muscles? There was a strap across my shoulders and hips and thighs. Ridiculous, this was pure overkill. This wasn’t Henry’s doing. Henry was never this overprotective. So, the only other candidate was... I turned my head away from the window to search the other side of the room and met a blue green eyed gaze that hinted at 246

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hidden fear and anger as well as deep concern. Ah, my sweet overprotective Azure. Erik stood up and pushed the nurse’s call button then reached into a plastic cup and pulled out an ice chip. He kept his lips pressed together as if he was concentrating on an important task as he carefully ran the melting ice cube around my parched lips then slipped it between them. It was blessed coolness to the desert that had taken up residence in my mouth. I closed my eyes to savor the icy moist relief that melted on my tongue and even with them closed I could still see the concern and anger and love in those chilly blue-green eyes as they devoured me. We said nothing. Just from his stance he knew what I had tried to do. My falling into the pool accidentally was true. It was an accident, but the not standing up part…well, I guess Erik was justified in strapping me down. Once I was in the water I made the decision to not fight it, to let the water take me from my weary life. I didn’t want to continue on any longer, not alone, not belonging to anyone for sure. But now that I had not died my heart did a little happy dance to see him sitting there waiting for me to wake up. Strangely, I didn’t feel any of the guilt I had been wallowing in previously. Erik was far stronger than I have given him credit for when I couldn’t remember. Now I remember that he never did anything he didn’t want to do. That was something I learned about him almost from the first hour of meeting him. He couldn’t be manipulated unless he wanted to be manipulated. His strength of character far outstripped mine then. I was certain that, it still did. I didn’t deserve him then. I didn’t deserve him now. It was only the fact that he wanted to be with me that gave me any hope of our relationship surviving all I had put him through. I looked away afraid to see if there was censure and perhaps rejection for what I had tried to do. He caught my chin then pulled my face towards him. His azure stare never wavered as he searched my face for some sort of sign. I met his gaze evenly. Erik must have found what he was looking for because his thumb trailed along my jaw line as he leaned over. He pressed the sweetest kiss on my lips. I opened my mouth and the lingering coolness from the ice cube was burnt off with the heat that our kiss generated. He pulled back to rest his forehead against mine. “Let me tell you this in a way you will understand. Don’t. You. Ever. Fucking. Try. It. Again.” Each syllable was enunciated and 247

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said in a sweet whispering tone that made it all the more poignant and final. “I love you, Treasure. Don’t abandon me here in this world if you’re going to leave it. It’s cold and lonely without you and I would rather be with you, even if we are roasting in Hell. At least we would be together forever. That’s all I want, understand?” Erik straightened. . He brushed my hair back from my face. “You look like hell as a brunette. It was your Father’s idea wasn’t it?” “I’m sorry, Erik.” My voice was raspy from throwing up all the water I swallowed when I was giving up on life. “Sorry for what? Not succeeding?” His fingers caressed by hair. “No.” I felt so weak and sore and oh so tired. “I couldn’t keep my promise.” “Oh? What promise was that?” The backs of his knuckles stroked the patch of skin just under my ear gently in a sweeping motion. “The one I made to you on that hotel balcony in Monte Carlo when the fireworks were going off in the background for that festival...” Tears sprang to those lovely azure eyes, “Trevor?” “I got down on one knee and I gave you a ring. I promised to never leave your side.” “You remember...everything?” “The important things. Us.” “Am I important to you, mein Lieber?” Henry stood at the door with the ever ready Eldon at his back. He looked like he had aged twenty years since the last time I saw him. The sexually satisfied little big man wasn’t standing there in my hospital room, it was someone different. It was...my father. “These are not necessary Erik.” I rattled my wrists then winced as the IV shifted. “Let us allow the Doctor to decide what is necessary and what is not.” Henry walked into my room. Erik turned and put himself between Henry and me. Eldon slipped around Henry and mirrored Erik’s protective stance.

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Oh, for the love of Pete. I rasped out a sarcastic question. “Why don’t you just piss on one side of my leg and Erik can piss on the other to mark your territory?” “There is no need for vulgarity.” Eldon rebuked me quickly. Erik turned around and glared down at me then saw that I had a half assed smile on my face. Well, it was less than a grimace which what I truly was feeling. “Smart Ass.” He whispered. “Later...I got broken ribs.” “No, they are just badly bruised.” Henry spoke up. “Mr. Howell. I would like to see my son.” Erik pulled himself up to his full height and stared down at Henry. I could feel the tension in the room rise about twenty degrees in the twenty seconds as the men in my life stared each other down. “Are you a sexual deviant, Herr Audric?” Eldon bristled at the insult. I really couldn’t figure out what sort of relationship those two had. It wasn’t master and servant. It wasn’t lovers. All I knew that Henry could point at someone say jump and Eldon would go and make that person jump. It was almost a blind devotion. A willful suspension of query and conscience. I had no doubt that if Henry told Eldon to lay a beating on Erik he would without a moment’s hesitation. Was that a form of love? After all the horror I had done as the Devil, Erik stayed at my side. I didn’t doubt that was love. Erik and I were not hearts and candy. We were a darker kind of love. If we were dark love then Henry and Eldon were black love. Henry slowly blinked. Few men questioned him on anything, much less his love life. Then again, Erik wasn’t most men. Henry fixed his stare evenly on my blonde haired god of beauty. “In many respects, Mr. Howell, I am. However, as I explained to Trevor, lovers come and go but sons are forever. You should remember that.” “Sons get tossed aside as well.” There was pain in my Azure’s eyes when he said that. I wish I could erase that painful memory. “That is because you frightened your parents, Mr. Howell. You were beyond their scope of understanding and instead of attempting to make your life better they found it easier and better for their life to shut you away and forget about you.” 249

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“How would you know?” Erik’s voice was cutting. “Anything that touches my son, I know about. Not a single visit from your family. Not from your parents nor your brother and sister. They committed you to a medicated prison until you reached the age of majority so they would no longer have any legal obligations to you when you were released. You were not such a wild child that something like that had to be done to you. That in itself is unforgiveable, no child should have to suffer that.” Henry glanced at me with sorrow and apology in his eyes and I knew that he realized that he had inadvertently done that to me. “Mr. Howell, have you looked them up?” “You know I haven’t.” “You’re an uncle. Your sister has three children. Your brother has two. Cowards that they are, they have erased you from the family history. Not because of your illness, which you cannot be blamed for, but because you took up my son’s mantle when he couldn’t bear its weight any more. The Devil’s Advocate. Unfortunately, they want nothing to do with that person.” “The tabloids called me that. The Devil had obligations and since he couldn’t fulfill them I had to step up.” “It would be easy to hate you, Mr. Howell if I were a smaller man. The fact that my son is laying here instead of dead or locked away is a credit to your unceasing devotion to him. Even when he thought he was a normal member of society you were watching over him, shielding him from the horrors of the real world...but your arms aren’t enough, are they?” Alarm squeezed my heart. “Henry...” “And yours are?” Erik was not backing down from Henry at his scariest. “Do not be petty, Mr. Howell. My arms are backed by Eldon and all the millions of dollars from legitimate companies and the billions of dollars from the illegitimate ones. Some of which you yourself provided.” Erik shook his head, his golden hair sweep back and forth over his shoulders and swing in front of his beautiful face. His stunning features were marred with a sneer. “Yet with all that money, Trevor ran from you.” “Erik...” I tried to shift my shoulders and opened up a world of pain as my ribs protested that particular movement. 250

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“Did he?” Henry’s voice had gotten calm. That was never a good thing. “Henry, Erik, please stop this.” I rattled my wrists uselessly against the guard railing. Not that I could have hoped to do much but I really didn’t want my love and my father at each other’s throat at my bedside. It was just too mid-afternoon soap opera-ish. Henry glanced over Eldon’s shoulder at me, “Shush, Trevor. You know that this is something that Mr. Howell and I should have hashed out a long time ago.” Henry laid a hand on Eldon’s waist. The man in black didn’t even hesitate; he just stepped out of the way. I could tell from the line of Erik’s shoulders that he had just tensed up ready for a quick defense against an attack. It was a David and Goliath show down. “Trevor did not run from me. I pushed him away and I pushed him away and I pushed him away again and again. I was trying to turn him into a respectable person by separating the two of us. I didn’t realize what it was doing to him to be sent away but I could not introduce Trevor as my son and heir as I fucked him into a sensual stupor every night. That was simply beyond the pale. I tried to set him free to find true happiness. Instead, I left him twisting in the wind, reinforcing his insecurities and making him feel all alone in the world.” “I took a wounded chick that had fallen from the nest and I thought I had reset everything that was broken within him. I thought I had rescued a dove. I set lose a raptor. A hawk that tore through everyone and everything. By the time I realized what I had done it was too late. He was beyond my help or ability to convince that I was only trying to be a good father for once in our relationship. When Trevor showed up with Olga Kenovich, I could have wept. She was as sexually twisted as I was but I could see that she couldn’t stand in Trevor’s depraved shadow much less try and keep up with him. I actually feared for her life.” “He brought her home to show me what I had done to him. I thought if I made a big celebration of their engagement announcement, I would call his bluff. He would call off the marriage.” “But, I didn’t.” Erik turned towards me. His hand came down and naturally, artlessly entangled with my fingers. It made warmth flood through my body and I felt as if I would never be alone again. 251

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He loved me for who I was now and despite what I had done when I was someone depraved and cruel. “Mein Leiber?” “I remember. I remember almost everything.” “You need to tell him, if you can. Why is Mr. Howell here?” Tears burned my eyes. I wanted to wipe them away but my damned hands were chained down to the bed. No. No, I would take it my grave. I’ve caused so much hurt and suffering in the world, I can’t do it to my love. Not anymore. Too warm fingertips slid over my cheeks brushing the offending tears away. “I’ve always known why Trevor took me from that psych hospital, he saw what I could be and now I’m everything you’re not, Mr. Audric. I’m tall. I’m perfectly proportioned. I’m obedient and I can’t walk away from him. I can’t breathe without my Trevor nearby. I suffocate when he’s not around. It doesn’t matter if he told me everything I ever wanted to hear just to exorcize your demonic presence from his life; he accepted me the way my own family couldn’t, with all my strange quirks and kinks and straightened them out when I couldn’t.” “Trevor came to me. He rescued me, Trevor did, from that hellhole. Not Tre-don. Not the Devil. Trevor – the owner of this treasure.” Erik reached into his front pocket and pulled out a marble that was the same hue as his eyes. “You told me about this, Trevor. You told be about your secret treasure that you carried with you from your days back in the orphanage. This was yours and yours alone. It wasn’t a hand-medown. It wasn’t some parishioner’s guilty conscience being appeased by tossing gifts to unwanted children. You dug it out of the ground with your own two hands. You didn’t have to share it yet...” Erik picked up the small piece of glass from his palm with his forefinger and thumb and held it tenderly up to catch the light that was still streaming into the room. “Here it is. With me.” Erik glanced back over his shoulder. “You know about it though don’t you - Trevor’s special treasure? You know about it but he’s never let you touch it has he, Mr. Audric?” “Nein.” “Do you know the reason why, Mr. Audric?” “I am sure that you will enlighten me.” 252

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“I say this with the least amount of disrespect as I can muster. To me, he is just Trevor. I allow him to be exactly as he wants to be. I give him that freedom. I turn myself into the calm that comes before the storm. I am his safe harbor, you have mostly been the storm that he wanted to avoid.” “As Eldon demonstrated, your harbor is not that secure.” “So help me make it secure. You can’t be what Trevor wants or needs except for perhaps a father figure at a distance so leave him to me. I’ll be whatever else he needs.” “Insolent pup.” Eldon’s voice cut through the air. “I am well aware that you call me a dog. I’ve been called worse things.” “Eldon, that was unnecessary.” Henry’s tone was pure chastisement. “Apologies, Henry.” “That sentiment should be made to Mr. Howell.” Erik returned curtly. “No offense, but I don’t want your apologies.” I had started off a little apprehensive but that had been blasted away by the absolutely gall of the two most important people in my life arguing over me like a meaty bone found on the floor. I was angry and helpless being strapped to this bed like a mental patient. Which they both thought I was. “Stop it! I did not try to commit suicide.” I interrupted the snarling. Erik turned on his heel and glared down at me. “Then why didn’t you stand up. I know you’re terrified of water but you raked Antoine’s back up in your desperation to get out of the pool. You clawed me up when I was just holding you in the water.” Erik’s hand came down and cupped the side of my face. “Tell me, my Treasure. Tell what scared you so damned much that it overrode your fear of water?” Tears welled up in my eyes. Erik stroked them away with a touch of his thumb. “Tell me, Trevor.” “I remember things that should have stayed forgotten, things that hurt, that hurt me so much, things that I never ever want to rem...” I couldn’t go on. Did I cry back then? Did I cry when Richie raped me on the kitchen floor of his parent’s house? I remember when I ran from the house, that tears froze to my face but I think that I didn’t cry out loud, when my dream of being part 253

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of a family turned into a nightmare that still haunts me, I didn’t cry, I didn’t. Lying restrained in bed I broke down. My chest was in agony as each sob tore at my bruised ribs. Once my tears started, I couldn’t stop not even to reassure my Azure and my father that it was nothing, only the agony of remembering something I never wanted to remember again. Erik leaned over and pressed his forehead against mine. “Trevor...Trevor...we’re here...it’s just a memory...” Between sobs my voice was barely above a whisper. “I remember.” “What did you remember, Treasure?” “He...he...raped me Christmas day. He...hurt me and…” I sobbed harder. “He took my dream away and I was alone and afraid without it.” Erik stilled. “When was this? Who did it?” “He was supposed to be my big brother...” I felt Henry’s hand fall on my shoulder. “Lieber, when did this happen?” “I was just a foolish little boy wishing for something that that didn’t exist. All I wanted was to belong to someone. I thought I was going to be part of a family.” I sobbed again, both my ribs and my heart hurt. “Leave it to me, Mr. Howell. I will investigate the matter and mete out the necessary punishment.” I could hear my Father being strong for me but even he couldn’t take away the agony I felt in remembering the pain of that long ago loss. Once the floodgates were open, I couldn’t stop. It was as if I had stored away everything for so long and now it had escaped my tight leash and I was no longer able to bring it back under control. The sobs hurt my ribs which caused me to cry even more which only hurt my ribs again. It was an agonizing cycle. I couldn’t stop even though it was causing me incredible physical pain. Erik stroked my hair and tried to console me but that just wasn’t going to happen. I was past being comforted even by my Azure. Ten minutes later, I was still crying just as hard as when I started, years of sorrow were being released in a torrent I couldn’t control. Eldon was dispatched to get the nurse. When my nurse rushed in, she took one look at the situation, scolded the three men for not calling her sooner and administered a 254

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sedative to my IV line. I could feel the course of the drug racing through my system, it burned at first but soon the soothing sensation of a calming tide flooded through my veins. As I started to feel the seductive pull of the drug, my crying slowed and with that the pain in my chest began to grow less and less. “I’m sorry...” My voice was slurred. “Cry if you need to Trevor.” Eric caressed my flushed face. “I’m not telling you that you can’t, we just don’t want you hurting yourself more because of those bruised ribs.” “I used to be strong.” “No, Treasure, you used to hide behind that false façade of being the Devil but it was just that, a false front for you. You didn’t want anyone to know that you were vulnerable and so easy to hurt. Now both Henry and I know and we will keep you safe. No one will ever hurt you again we promise.” He glanced at Henry in time to see the man wipe a tear from his eye and give a slight nod at his statement to his drowsy son. My eyelids weighed about seven tons, so I let them drop closed. “...showed you soft...” “Yes, you did Trevor. You showed me your soft side and I cherished you for it.” Erik’s too warm hand entwined with mine again as my body grew just as heavy as my eyelids. “Sleep, Trevor. You need to rest.” I held on to his hand as if he was my life line and even in my drugged state I knew he was. I slept without the tormenting dreams for the first time I could remember and knew that they were gone forever. The Devil and the little boy who longed so much to belong to someone, both were gone. I didn’t have to be either one of them anymore. I was just Trevor.

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Convocation

I

didn’t dream. I was grateful because for the most part they were nothing but truthful nightmares. Awareness came back to me slowly. I felt fuzzy. My body felt heavy. I wasn’t strapped down anymore. There was a constant ache in the back of my hand so the IV was still stuck in me. I opened my eyes to the dim glow from the security lights from the private park land surrounding the buildings. Blinking, my eyes adjusted to the dim illumination. I knew the silhouette standing there staring out of the window. The width of his shoulders. The strength in his hands. The heat of his body. The warmth of his heart. “Take a picture, it lasts longer.” Erik looked over his shoulder slightly. “I know you’re awake, Trevor. Your breathing changed.” What ever made me think I could pull something over on him? I couldn’t in the past. I never won an argument with him either. Was that part of why I was so apprehensive about him when I couldn’t remember? Enough with the thinking. He’s here with me right now. “Are both of you done arguing?” At least my voice was sounding a bit more normal. “You know as well as I do that it was more a clearing of the air than arguing.” Erik turned back to the window and wrapped his arms around his body. “Since you’re the only one here, I take it you won?” He shook his head, “More along the line of I got the short end of the stick.” I frowned. “Well doesn’t that make me feel wanted.”

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There was an undignified snort that sounded across the room. It was totally at odds with the elegant three piece suit he was wearing. Erik had on his battle gear. I turned him into the pinnacle of coveted manliness and he immediately showed me how he could wield it like a weapon. If it wouldn’t have hurt, I would have snorted too. I knew who wore the pants in this relationship and strangely, I didn’t mind. The fear and unease that I had felt when I looked at him when I was still locked in darkness was gone. What I was left with was a sense of why I was in awe of him in the first place. I remember that after I had taken my shot at molding him into the best that he could be I was the one who brought the cuffs and collar to the bedroom. I willingly knelt before him and gave him control over me because I knew that he would cherish me even more that way, if I honestly showed him that I gave him all my trust. “Your Father and Mr. Eldon are out there with the “Wrath of God” as their motivation in hunting down everyone in the world that injured you. I refused their help all this time thinking it was my right to do that. I never could find out who ran you down in the street, Trevor but I am sure that they will. They are a couple of vicious pit bulls mixed with relentless bloodhound, I almost pity the ones responsible because they will pay in terrible ways for almost killing you.” Erik was still facing the window but I seriously doubted that he was seeing what was going on in the private parking lot. I watched his shoulders rise and fall as he took a deep sigh. “I’m so sorry I never suspected that you were so brutalized as a child but I should have. There is vulnerability and a wounded quality about you that apparently only I could sense but I never knew why my Treasure was bleeding from invisible wounds. I only knew deep in my heart that you were hiding something awful from me. I was too tender with you, I couldn’t get past the walls you erected to keep those wounds from bleeding you dry. I’m sorry my Love, that there was too much I didn’t know about you to be able to keep you completely safe. This time when your Father and Eldon offered to hunt down and destroy your enemies, I couldn’t in good conscience refuse them. I can’t protect you on my own. So be it. I’ll take all the offers of assistance I can if it will keep you out of places like this.” Erik turned on his heel so he was silhouetted front to 257

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back in front of the picture window. “What else are you hiding from me?” I could play dumb if I wanted to and I wasn’t sure that telling the truth would be wise for me at this time. I was mentally, physically and spiritually tired, however much lighter I felt at the same time. Was that screaming black void the involuntary denial of what Ritchie Reys did to me so long ago? I lifted my right hand and laid it across my forehead. Had I lived with that dark heaviness for so long that I felt bereft now that it was gone? Lost in my thoughts I started as a warm hand cupped my jaw. “What else are you hiding, Treasure?” I hadn’t even heard him cross the floor to my side. “I swear I didn’t even know I was hiding anything, it was concealed so deep I didn’t know it was there.” “That’s because you were wounded to the inner core. Once you had that storybook family within your grasp and he took it away from you so viciously, you never dared to reach out again. You spurned Mr. Audric when he offered you the chance to be his son rather than his whore. You couldn’t believe that what he was offering you was the real thing. You never let anyone close unless you somehow manipulated them into needing you. They needed you, not you needing them. You could walk away at any time, pain free.” “That makes me sound like a totally unlovable son-of-a-bitch.” The back of a finger stroked lightly down my cheek. “Don’t you know by now that we love you with all our heart? You are the shining jewel in our lives, my Treasure because we can see the real you.” “It’s hard to believe that.” “Then, I’ll keep saying it over and over until you do believe it. You deserve happiness, Trevor.” “How can someone like me deserve to be happy, I’ve killed so many and destroyed the lives of so many more?” “So have I. So has Mr. Audric. So has Mr. Eldon. We are what we are to our enemies and the public but also we are human and need some measure of happiness not to wind up blowing our own brains out because of self loathing. I’m not turning away from happiness and just to give you fair warning, I’m not going to let you turn away either.” 258

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“When did you get so damned pushy?” I tried to give a chuckle but gave up as my ribs protested. “I’ve always been pushy and you cave so beautifully to me. We are perfect for each other.” “You’re the only one I ever did that for.” “Trevor...” Erik faced the window and stared out into the night. “I know you think I’m strong but I’m not.” “I don’t understand.” “I can’t do it. Not again.” “What are you talking about?” “I’ve started your heart twice. I don’t want to have to do it again. Don’t make me do it again.” “Erik. Come here.” There was a glistening of tear trails down his face as he turned to me. I had made him cry. “I’m cold.” “I’ll call the nurse...” “Azure...” I pat the bed. “I don’t need a nurse. Everything is still a little scrambled up here,” I touched my forehead, “but I do remember you.” It was a mistake to invite him on the bed that was meant for one person. My ribs protested but I swallowed down that groan of pain. We fit together so perfectly. Erik curled around me resting his head of golden hair on my shoulder as the warmth of his body chased the chill away. He was my own private heating blanket. “Where do we go from here?” I whispered. “Your father wants us both to hide away in his mansion. He wants us to retire. That is an option.” “Being the Devil and the Devil’s Advocate is not something that someone can retire from. Even when I was dazed and confused, the past came back to bite me in the ass.” “And besides, you look like hell as a brunette.” “Duly noted.” It felt right to have him snuggled up against me. My Azure never liked to sleep alone. In my own twisted way, I didn’t want to sleep alone either. I turned my head and rested my cheek on the crown of his head. “So we go back to the way it was before...” Erik shifted slightly careful to try not to jostle me. I looked down into his big bright eyes. He was off his medication. “No. Not the way it was before. I was in total admiration of you back then. You did things I didn’t think I was capable of but after your 259

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accident and your disappearance, I found out that I could. The other option is that we go back and show the others that the Devil is back, but this time, the Devil’s Advocate will have your back. You won’t have to stand out there alone.” Oh my God, I was going to cry again. “Treasure?” “Yeah?” My voice squeaked with emotion. “I might as well tell you this now. I formally asked your Father for your hand.” My hand? “Uh?” “I asked your Father for permission to marry you.” “That’s rather old fashioned and it’s rather late and...what did Henry say?” “There are certain conditions I have to meet.” “Such as?” “I have you take your last name.” “Donahue?” “Audric. Your Father intends to adopt me since gay marriages are not recognized in this state.” “Ahhhh, I don’t know what to say.” “It better be yes.” Erik rolled over quickly in order to perch over me, his knees straddled my thighs and his hands on either side of my head. He leaned in closer angling his head for a kiss when something popped me in the nose. I glanced down and found my azure marble in a small silver cage of twisted wire hanging from a simple silver chain around his neck. “What is this?” Erik pushed himself upright and sat lightly on my upper thighs. He pulled his tie loose then opened his collar and a few more buttons down his chest. My treasured marble – probably a worthless hunk of glass not deserving of such a beautiful holder lay against deeply tanned skin. The chain was long enough that it rested by his heart. “Aside from making baskets and rag rugs, some of us mentally defectives got to take jewelry courses. I’ve always been good with my hands.” “You are not mentally defective. That’s a term your parents used.” “We are both the product of our upbringing, Trevor. I should be railing against the world because I got the short end of the stick. But I won’t because I have this.” Erik lifted it up by the chain. 260

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“You have given me the very thing that you have treasured your entire life. I will take care of it.” Erik let the marble settle back against his chest and then lifted his hand. “I lost the ring you gave me. It might have been all the blood after you threw yourself in the way of the car that was meant for me. With all that was happening at the time I didn’t realized I lost it until you were into your fifth hour of surgery. Seeing my hand bare struck terror in my heart, like it was a bad omen. I was frantic and by the time I went back to look I was completely panicked because I couldn’t find it. I posted a sizable reward, but I never saw it again. I promise I won’t lose this, Trevor.” I was struck dumbfounded. My treasured Azure had my azure treasure. That little piece of glass that I found as a kid and treasured as if it was a jewel of incredible value. When I dug it out of the dirt with my childish hand it was as if it was a shining promise that everything would be alright. That someday I would belong to a loving family and be safe and treasured as I was gong to treasure that dirty old marble. I hung onto that so hard because it was the child’s wish of a brighter future and the promise that someday my life would be as beautiful as the marble. My azure treasure. Now I remember…after he pulled me out of the water I gave it to him to keep when I thought I was dying. I wanted my Treasure to have my only other treasure. When I saw it hanging from the chain around his neck it never occurred to me to ask for it back. What was more perfect then the joining of both of the treasures in my life? Now, if I had one, I had the other. Having it hang from his neck in the beautiful silver cage that he made for it meant that maybe my life was finally the way I always wished for it to be. Perhaps it was still a bit of a mess but it was finally becoming my safe haven. I was finally gaining a sense of being safe and loved. Personally, I was still a work in progress but Azure wanted me. He pulled me from the bloodied streets. He pulled me from a drowning pool. He had walked my path of darkness when I couldn’t and he had offered to walk at my side once more on that same path. He saw me. He saw me with my all faults, all my horrible flaws and was still willing to stay with me. I couldn’t do less. To do so would be to hold his love and efforts on my behalf of little value. Something rattled when he climbed over top of me. Using my free hand, I reached into his suit pocket and found an acrylic pill 261

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bottle. I pulled it out and shook the bottle slightly to catch his attention. He stilled. “Thank you, Erik for being the one who rescued me. Thank you for staying as my guardian angel when I was wandering alone out there like a lamb before wolves. To show how much I love you and always will my Treasure…” I groaned and winced as I tried to throw the bottle of pills towards the trash can. As it was, they slipped out of my hand and rolled along the top cover until it finally flipped off the bed and smashed to the floor. Not as dramatic as I wanted but you have to take what you get. “I can only apologize to you for sentencing you a life time of needles but you don’t need these anymore. I fell in love with you when you were medication free. I loved you then. I love you now...Erik Audric.” Both of us paused at that moniker. Erik smiled as he cuddled closer on the narrow mattress. “Azure Audric isn’t that bad.” We clung together like two lost children who were grateful to have found each other in the darkness of a stormy night. It would be tempting to hide under Henry’s protective wing but someone had tried to kill Erik. I reached over and tousled his hair. My thinking was fuzzy but the pieces of the jigsaw were all here now. I stepped in front of a speeding car and died. That death was meant for my special someone. I was Trevor but I also was Tre-don and I was the underworld figure feared around the world as the Devil. We couldn’t retire. We couldn’t hide. Once you enter that world of darkness you are forever claimed by it. So be it. I pressed my lips to Erik’s temple. He pressed his body in closer to me. Since we couldn’t hide from the world, the only thing left to do was to own it. How does one own the underworld? First you need a devil. Second you need an advocate. Third you needed money. Myself, Erik and Henry. Everything was covered. Henry had found out that one doesn’t touch my things. The world was going to find that out as well. Erik was mine. Henry was mine. Hell, even Eldon was mine and not to mention the team back on the island. If they thought the Devil was bad before...well, just wait until they get a load of me. The Devil has been resurrected and this time I was connected directly with this incarnation. In the end, I am still Trevor. I will always cherish what belongs to me. I am the Devil. He is the tool to make sure that I can keep 262

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my cherished ones safe and secure. No, the Devil is not a good man, but it is Trevor that will come back to my Azure every night. Erik began to snore lightly. The Devil and the Devil’s Advocate would wreck havoc on the underworld during the day but at night it would be Azure and Treasure who slept in each other’s arms.

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