Networking for Career Success: 24 Lessons for Getting to Know the Right People (The McGraw-Hill Professional Education Series)

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“From your first conversation in the morning until your last conversation at night, you are networking.”

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“Networking is the art of building and sustaining mutually beneficial relationships. There is a worthwhile reason for all parties to participate. It happens at home, at work, in our community, with everyone.”

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Networking for Career Success 24 Lessons for Getting to Know the Right People

DIANE DARLING

M C G RAW -H ILL New York Chicago San Francisco Lisbon London Madrid Mexico City Milan New Delhi San Juan Seoul Singapore Sydney Toronto

Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. All rights reserved. Manufactured in the United States of America. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or ditributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. 0-07-149025-6 The material in this eBook also appears in the print version of this title: 0-07-145603-1. All trademarks are trademarks of their respective owners. Rather than put a trademark symbol after every occurrence of a trademarked name, we use names in an editorial fashion only, and to the benefit of the trademark owner, with no intention of infringement of the trademark. Where such designations appear in this book, they have been printed with initial caps. McGraw-Hill eBooks are available at special quantity discounts to use as premiums and sales promotions, or for use in corporate training programs. For more information, please contact George Hoare, Special Sales, at [email protected] or (212) 904-4069. TERMS OF USE This is a copyrighted work and The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. (“McGraw-Hill”) and its licensors reserve all rights in and to the work. Use of this work is subject to these terms. Except as permitted under the Copyright Act of 1976 and the right to store and retrieve one copy of the work, you may not decompile, disassemble, reverse engineer, reproduce, modify, create derivative works based upon, transmit, distribute, disseminate, sell, publish or sublicense the work or any part of it without McGraw-Hill’s prior consent. You may use the work for your own noncommercial and personal use; any other use of the work is strictly prohibited. Your right to use the work may be terminated if you fail to comply with these terms. THE WORK IS PROVIDED “AS IS.” McGRAW-HILL AND ITS LICENSORS MAKE NO GUARANTEES OR WARRANTIES AS TO THE ACCURACY, ADEQUACY OR COMPLETENESS OF OR RESULTS TO BE OBTAINED FROM USING THE WORK, INCLUDING ANY INFORMATION THAT CAN BE ACCESSED THROUGH THE WORK VIA HYPERLINK OR OTHERWISE, AND EXPRESSLY DISCLAIM ANY WARRANTY, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. McGraw-Hill and its licensors do not warrant or guarantee that the functions contained in the work will meet your requirements or that its operation will be uninterrupted or error free. Neither McGraw-Hill nor its licensors shall be liable to you or anyone else for any inaccuracy, error or omission, regardless of cause, in the work or for any damages resulting therefrom. McGraw-Hill has no responsibility for the content of any information accessed through the work. Under no circumstances shall McGrawHill and/or its licensors be liable for any indirect, incidental, special, punitive, consequential or similar damages that result from the use of or inability to use the work, even if any of them has been advised of the possibility of such damages. This limitation of liability shall apply to any claim or cause whatsoever whether such claim or cause arises in contract, tort or otherwise. DOI: 10.1036/0071456031

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Contents How to network Learn to network Know what and why Surpass your fears Start smart! Know whom you know Evaluate your contacts Prioritize and prepare Rehearse spontaneity Use your networking tools Control your body language Enter, connect, exit Find opportunities Mind your manners Pack your kit! Socialize with savvy Focus on connecting Talk tactically Overcome your limits Follow up right! Phone, e-mail, mail Cultivate your garden Rise above prejudices Do what's right Keep developing!

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✓How to network N etwork? What’s that about and why should I care? If that’s what you’re wondering, this is the book for you. In 24 short lessons, you’ll learn the basics of networking. This book focuses on two facets of networking: the outside—the practical, the skills—and the inside—the spiritual, the connection that we feel with others when we network. This book will establish that networking is the art of building and sustaining mutually beneficial relationships. It’s about helping and being helped, about having expectations of others and meeting their expectations of you. It shows how networking is building relationships before you need them, so when you need help, you know people to contact who will be willing and able to help you. It’s not about selling anything, getting a job, receiving a donation, or securing funding. Networking can be difficult for many people. There are suggestions here for overcoming your shyness and your fears in order to prepare and psych up for networking opportunities. This book outlines the essential steps for creating a networking plan, beginning with an inventory of your current networks and an evaluation of your contacts, so you can prioritize your contacts and prepare to work with them and add new contacts to your networks. There’s also a lesson on building a support network of specialists who can help you network more effectively, from making a better first impression to developing your business skills and planning strategies to advance your career. viii Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

There are also tips for preparing to meet people, for interacting, for communicating—very practical matters, including manners (yes, they matter!) and networking survival kits. There’s even a lesson devoted to shaking hands and remembering names and another on eating and drinking. How do you know where and when to network? This book helps you evaluate opportunities, too. It also discusses strategies for meeting the right people the right ways. There are also two lessons on following up on contacts—essential for networking effectively. There are suggestions for maintaining and growing your network and a lesson on dealing with stereotypes of gender, race, culture, religion, political affiliation, age, appearances, and so on. Finally, there’s a lesson on ethics. This little book concludes with a presentation of some valuable resources to help you network better. So, you’re now just a few minutes away from starting to network. Let’s go!

“Strategic networking prepares us for serendipitous moments. When we are confident of our ability to meet people, we are more likely to be open to chance encounters and convert them to mutually beneficial relationships.”

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Let relationships happen

✓Learn to network N etworking is the art of building and sustaining mutually beneficial relationships. It’s as simple as that. There are three types of people: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened. Which are you? People who network make things happen and they know other people who make things happen. You need other people in your life to do what you want to do, professionally and personally, and other people need you in their lives. Getting to know people and letting others know you begins the networking cycle. Maybe you think that it’s just not in you to network. Maybe you don’t like to network. That’s OK: there are a lot of people who feel like you. So, I’ve got three questions. Do you love to floss? Probably not. Are you competent at flossing? Maybe. To keep your teeth healthy, it’s in your best interest to take good care of them. Can you outsource flossing? No. You’ve got to do it yourself. Networking is like flossing. You don’t have to like doing it, but you should become competent at it, because it’s in your best interest and you can’t outsource it. Networking is about getting what you need or want—and helping others get what they want or need. It’s about mutually beneficial relationships—but not always a quid pro quo. That means that reputation and trust are essential. Reputation is what others think of you. It starts with the first impression. It builds 1 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

as people get to know you—if you’re effective, if you work well with others, if you’re sincere, if you respect others, and so on. Reliability is essential to trust: you can destroy your reputation if you act inconsistently or unpredictably. Networking is about having expectations of others and meeting their expectations of you. So, make the best first impression possible, show that you care, help others, and work to build a good reputation. Then, people will want to network with you. Find the most effective techniques for networking by doing the following:

Choose the best person or people to approach: Whom do you know or need to know who can help you achieve what you want? There will be different people to contact for different projects. Determine the best method: How can you get help from the person or people? What do you need to know? Do they respond most by email, a phone call, or a written request? Decide on the best strategies for networking: How can your contact(s) help you get from where you are to where you want to be? Be sure to consider the request from their viewpoint. What would get them to say “yes”?

“For networking to be worthwhile, you need to give as much as you take.”

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Trust your gut

✓Know what and why Our network is the group of people who want us to be successful, safe, and secure—personally and professionally. It’s people who are willing to lend a hand, share an idea, champion our efforts, and, when appropriate, challenge us to reach new heights. Networking is building relationships before you need them. Then, when you need help, you know people to contact who will be willing and able to help you. Networking is not about selling anything, getting a job, receiving a donation, or securing funding. Networking is not marketing or selling. And yet, the three activities are interdependent, more powerful together than separately. Marketing is the start: it’s an integrated campaign of promotion, designed to create awareness. Networking then narrows the scope. It’s a personal connection with people who may want what you have, know others who do, or play a role in the decision. Selling connects the solution and the problem. When marketing and networking have done what they can do, selling is much easier. It’s tempting to skip the networking part and go directly into selling. However, networking is the most efficient way to proceed, to get to decision makers and those who influence them. Networking is also not schmoozing. Schmoozing suggests trying to get something without giving anything. In other words, it’s not the mutually beneficial relationships that you build through networking. There are basically two types of networking—strategic and serendipitous. Strategic networking has a stated purpose and therefore a desired outcome: there are results that you want and conse3 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

quences if you do not get them. Serendipitous networking, in contrast, is an unplanned encounter that leads to a mutually beneficial relationship: no plans and no expectations. Strategic networking prepares you for serendipitous networking. When you are confident of your ability to meet people and explore the possible benefits for both parties, you’re more open to chance encounters and converting them to mutually beneficial relationships. You know a lot of people. But time is limited, so you need to make difficult choices about the people you know or could get to know:

Make time for people whom you like and who like you: These are the people who will want to help you and whom you’ll want to help. These are your mutually beneficial relationships. Make time for people who make you feel positive, energized, and worthy: They will help sustain you so you can keep networking. Make time for people to whom you can offer value: These people you help—even if they are not helping you.

“The more people savvy you are, the better your chances of success. The more you let others help you, the greater your success.”

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Do what’s easy

✓Surpass your fears M any people fear walking into a room among strangers. That fear gives us reasons to stay out or at least to stay away from those strangers. As comedian and counselor Michael Pritchard says, “Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.” Here’s a new look at the word fear—false evidence appearing real. What real evidence do you have for being afraid to talk to strangers at a business or social event? None! Just smile, reach out your hand, and say, “Hello.” If it turns out that there’s no reason for the two of you to continue talking, just say, “It was very nice to meet you. I look forward to our paths crossing in the future!” Most people think that good networkers are sociable by nature— outgoing, able to approach anyone with ease. That’s not necessarily true. Shy people can network very well. You just have to be genuine and sincerely interested in others. Shyness is rooted in fears—fear of failure, embarrassment, rejection, humiliation, and shame. So, when we contemplate attending an event, we may experience “anticipatory anxiety.” We also have to overcome internal messages, the voice of our “inner critic,” which affects us in all that we do. We can convert that influence from negative to positive. Don’t think, “I don’t want to go. I won’t meet anybody for my network.” Instead, think, “I’ll give it 15 minutes. Then, if I don’t feel inspired, I’ll allow myself to leave.” Don’t think, “At the last event, I met only competitors.” Instead, think, “Competitors can be an interesting way to learn what’s going 5 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

on.” Don’t think, “I don’t like small talk.” Instead, think, “I’ll write out three questions to ask anyone and see which works best.” I suggest checking out these three Web sites: ■ ■ ■

www.shyness.com: a gathering of resources sponsored by the Shyness Institute www.social-anxiety-network.com: The Social Anxiety Network www.bu.edu/anxiety/adult.html: Boston University Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders

I also recommend reading Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties, by Jonathan Berent and Amy Lemly (Simon & Schuster, 1993). Here are three keys to using your network:

Start small: Begin by having conversations with people just for practice, let’s say in a shop, on an elevator, on the commuter train. Don’t put pressure on yourself to ask for anything—just make a connection and be friendly. That sets the networking cycle in motion. (I like to encourage people to connect with others just for the sake of being professional and friendly—not just because they “want” something.) Communicate: Your business associates and friends cannot read your mind. They may be waiting for you to ask as they don’t want to offend you by offering to help. Or it honestly didn’t cross their mind. Make it easy for them to help—ask! Flatter genuinely: Thank them in a way that makes them feel special: “I knew you would have the answer.”

“Shy people can be excellent networkers. ... Networking is about being genuine and sincerely interested in others.”

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Just do it

✓Start smart! Most people network when they need something—a business lead, an employee, a job, funding for business growth, or a contribution to a favored charity. But that should not be when you start networking. It’s cyclical: start small, giving and receiving, and build upon the success of your networking. Most importantly, build trust. How should you start? Many will advise you to make a list of your friends, work colleagues, family members, and other contacts and start calling. That’s fine, but I also recommend a complementary task: start talking with complete strangers. This may seem counterintuitive. However, it’s usually easier to just start talking with strangers—someone walking a dog in your neighborhood, another shopper at your local store. Try it! Just start talking with a stranger and asking questions: “What breed of dog is that? Can I pet your dog? What’s his name?” At a store you can ask, “Are you familiar with this brand? Do you prefer another?” Then, at the end of the conversation, thank the person and walk away. It’s easy, because you’re not trying to get something from those strangers. But you can learn from this exercise. Think about the experiences. What did you like about talking with strangers? After the first few questions, what happened to the conversation? What did you find out about these people? What didn’t you like? How did it feel talking with a stranger? What would you do differently? In communicating with a stranger and making a connection, you’ve accomplished one of the key steps in networking. That’s how you begin. The more you do it, the more confidence you gain. Then, 7 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

as you gain confidence with strangers, try the same exercise with acquaintances. It can be quite intimidating to ask for help from people with whom we’re close. We assume that they know what we do and what we need, so they would offer to help. But you can miss out on opportunities if you don’t let friends and family know what you’re doing and how they can help you succeed. Work out a plan, so you save time, energy, and money and, ultimately, you network smarter and less. Here are three steps in creating a networking plan:

Set goals: It’s important to know what you want to achieve. Make your goals SMART: They should be specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timed. Be open to opportunities: Beware of being too focused on your goals, too rigid in your planning, because you can miss out on opportunities that come along. Remember to network both strategically and serendipitously.

“If you are networking now, keep going. If you are not, start immediately. In order to receive, you must give.”

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Get out and meet adsfasd

✓Know whom you know The people in your networks are assets—and vice versa. What is their value to you? What is your value to them? How many people are in your networks? Do you know how you can help others in your network? Do they know how they can help you? An important step in networking is to do an inventory. Take a large sheet of paper. Put your name in the center. Then, draw a line out from the center for each type of network, with branches at the end, one for each group within that network. What are your networks? There’s your family network, including people that your spouse or partner knows and, if you have children, any people you know through their schools, their activities, and their friends’ parents. There’s your neighborhood network—including former neighbors. Of course, there’s also your business network— colleagues present and past, maybe clients and/or suppliers, and people you know through business and professional organizations. What else? Just think about all of the things you do and have done and where. You have alumni networks for high school and any college or university. If you were on a sports or debating team, for example, you have those networks. What are your interests? One of the ways I relax is to knit—especially if I’m flying and giving a number of presentations. There are a number of knitting groups. Are you a member of a wine, book, or investment club? For each of these, you probably have a network. Are you involved in your community? If so, you’ve got more networks. After identifying your networks, write the name, profession, hob9 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

bies, and so on for each person in those networks on a sticky note. What do you know about each person? What does each person know about you? Who would you feel comfortable calling? Who would you rather not call? Why not? The interests of each person will reveal potential connections, reasons to introduce two people. By connecting people, you can build a reputation as someone who makes things happen. There are three points to keep in mind as you inventory your networks:

Be wise in three areas—politics, religion, and gender: These are three hot buttons for most people so manage your conversation on these areas carefully. In that way, you’ll more likely avoid alienating anyone. Focus on quality not quantity: Each person typically knows about 200 to 250 people. So, you’re automatically two steps away from 10,000 people. Few can network that many people well. It’s more than enough if you focus on developing good relationships. Keep your network information organized and up to date: You’ll be adding people to your networks and losing people. Therefore, note changes and any information you learn about them as you network.

“Many people have a Rolodex full of names. The question is, how many of them do you really want to help? Which of them would really help you if you called? If people don’t know much about you and what they can do for you and what you can do for them, your relationship is limited.”

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Treat them all the same

✓Evaluate your contacts N ow that you’ve identified the people in your networks, assess each of them in terms of how they could help you and you could help them. Realize that some people in our lives are just there because we like them and don’t have any specific agenda. Others are people who would like to help us in our professional or personal life and we would like to help them. It may not be quid pro quo in all situations and that is just fine! Here are some criteria: ■ ■ ■

■ ■ ■ ■ ■

How accessible is he or she? Will he or she return a call from me promptly (within 48 hours)? How does he or she make me feel? Energized? Drained? Do I feel valued? Does he or she treat me with respect? Do I enjoy being around this person? What do I get from him or her—worthwhile feedback or criticism? Are his or her knowledge and expertise relevant to my present needs? Will he or she be willing and able to make time for me? Does he or she have access to others who can help me? What can I give back? Is there someone to whom I can introduce him or her? Can I tell him or her about an organization or an event? What compensation would he or she like for any help? Cash? Introductions? Advice? Referrals? Time? You should also assess your network in general: 11

Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

■ ■ ■ ■ ■

Who has the power to help you, through his or her network? What do you need from these people? What do you want? And do you know the difference? Have you written it down? What’s the best way to approach them? Who can introduce you? What is their value to you? What do they offer you? What is your value to them? What do you offer them?

You should also evaluate each organization with which you have an affiliation and each person you know in those organizations. Basically, you’re assessing the potential for opportunities. Here are three ways to manage with people in your network who may not match your needs and values:

Think realistically about the quality of your contacts: We often believe that we need to have a large network, when in reality most people are simply acquaintances. Focus on taking care of a few good, strategic relationships rather than having a large database of people who are not able to make a positive and productive contribution. Let go of “one-way” relationships: We all know people who contact us only when they want something. Determine your tolerance level for these people and how much brain space you allow them to occupy rent-free. Handle unhealthy relationships with care: Some people we know are just not good for us, for various reasons. They add little or no value to our lives and sometimes they actually detract from it. Don’t ignore these people; understand their effect on you, communicate positively and productively with them, and limit the negative. If need be, interact with them only when absolutely necessary.

“Everyone can be useful in your life. Some are decision makers, and others influence them. What’s most important is that they share your values and their actions reflect the quality of your life.”

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Wait ’til you need help

✓Prioritize and prepare N ow that you’ve identified and evaluated the people in your networks, you should prioritize. You want to learn more about these people—what you and they have to offer each other and why. For each, prepare a personal profile. This is basically data about a person. It should include contact information and details about his or her professional and personal life—activities, interests, accomplishments, affiliations, education, physical conditions (allergies, injuries, etc.), and family members (with their activities, interests, and accomplishments) and any pets. Whatever you might write about yourself if you were doing a self-portrait, that’s what you want to know for each personal profile. Next, contact the clients you like, from the bottom five percent to 30 percent of your revenue sources. The goal is to practice networking, which you don’t want to do with your top clients. Network efficiently and effectively. Prepare by determining whom you want to contact and what you want from him or her. Tell the person that you’d like to meet, at his or her convenience, to get some advice. When meeting, be specific about what you want. Explain that you want to take your career, business, or organization to the next level and you’d like some advice. Make it easy for the person to decline, but there should also be reasons for him or her to agree. Pick up any expenses. Follow up with a thank-you note (paper or e-mail, as appropriate) within 24 to 48 hours and ask what you can do for him or her. 13 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

Then keep the person updated on your progress. Analyze the meeting. What did you learn from it? What would you do differently? Why? Is this someone with whom you should meet regularly? By continually prioritizing your network, you’ll discover how to best use your time and who can help you succeed. You should also be attentive to your “netbank” with each person in your network—your “account balance.” If you’ve helped someone, you’ve made a deposit. If that person has helped you, you’ve made a withdrawal. If you want to contact someone for help but you hesitate because your “netbank” with that person is either low or nonexistent, there are three things you can do:

Build a balance: Make a commitment immediately to find a way to make a deposit in that “netbank” as soon as possible. In other words, find some way to help him or her. Wait: Don’t ask for anything at this time. Find people with whom you have a sufficient “netbank”: Can they help you?

“People grow and change throughout their life. It is worthwhile reviewing your networks periodically to see whether you have people in the right place for mutual success.”

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Improvise

✓Rehearse spontaneity P reparation is essential for networking. It helps us do better—and feel better about what we’re doing. Anyone who has experience with standup comedy knows that everything is scripted. It is meant to look spontaneous, but it is not. We have only a few seconds to make a first impression. Part of that impression is packaging, so you should maximize your looks and your image. Some people say that fashion and even manners are “little stuff,” that people should get to know us before they judge us. True—in a perfect world. But if we want to face reality, manners and fashion matter. Form a support network. Find specialists to help improve your first impressions and make you better. Start from the outside and move in. I recommend getting coaches who can cover 10 areas: wardrobe and image, hair, dining etiquette, manners, physical training, presentations, acting, business writing, smile and oral hygiene, and networking. Begin with a makeover. Then, practice your networking and writing skills. Follow up with refreshers as needed. Create your own personal “graduate program” as you advance in your career, to develop skills in management, leadership, sales, hiring and firing, conflict resolution and stress management, meetings, time and project management, and communication. You should also “balance your brain”: if you’re predominantly left brain, develop your creative, intuitive, visual, subjective side; if you’re predominantly right brain, develop your rational, logical, verbal, objective side. I also recommend forming a personal board of advisors. In Love the Work You’re With, Richard Whitely suggests finding a politician or 15 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

mentor, a strategist, a problem solver, a coach, a “butt kicker,” and a cheerleader. You should also form a peer group, people in the same position outside your company or organization with whom you can discuss matters that you wouldn’t discuss with those around you. In addition, find some “networking buddies”—people with whom you can pair up for networking situations so you’re not out there alone. When you meet with a contact, give him or her a “networking snapshot.” This provides some background information and serves as a conversation starter. These three points should guide you in creating your snapshot:

Think of it as biography and résumé combined: Tell what you’re doing now, both professionally and personally, with just the highlights from the past. Keep it conversational: There’s no need to clutter up what you’re doing now and what you’ve done with dates and details. Just imagine you’re chatting casually at a party. Make it easy to read at a glance: Use bold headings—Professional, Publications, Clients, Residence, Family, Education, Hobbies/ Interests, Associations. Keep it short and interesting.

“We don’t live in a perfect world, so we can either spend time fighting our culture or accept reality and invest in being our best, on the outside as well as on the inside.”

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Simply smile and shake hands

✓Use your networking

tools

A good business card is essential. The design should be clear and crisp, with enough white space and the text in a readable font of at least 10 points, on stock of at least 80-pound strength and 14-point thickness. I advise against folded cards. Should you use the reverse side to explain what you do or leave it blank for notes? If you use it, leave enough space for a few lines of notes. Check that the information is complete, current, and correct. I advise creating a second card, a sort of miniature brochure that tells about what you do and/or offers some tips. This card can start conversations and make you more memorable. Keep your cards in a case and carry a second case for cards you collect. Cases keep the cards together and in good shape: they show you care. Personal digital assistants let us exchange information without trading business cards and store and use the information without much effort. But most people still prefer receiving cards. Also, when you beam between PDAs, you can send information that you might want to keep confidential, such as passwords and credit card numbers. Always carry a notepad and at least one pen. Ask permission to take notes—and then do so, which sends the message that you value the information. Use blank sheets, which shows that you respect the person and his or her information. Don’t trust your memory. 17 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

Your briefcase is an extension of your image. Maximize the opportunity with a classy choice that fits your image. It should also be functional and durable. Be mindful of plopping it on a beautiful conference room table—especially if it has been on the floor of the subway or your car. Cell phones and pagers are very useful. However, they can also send messages about you. If you take a call while talking with someone, you reveal your priorities. If you’re talking in a public place, you may be annoying others or sharing things that you should keep confidential. Use your tools more effectively:

Know how to use your business cards: At meetings, cards are exchanged at the beginning. At networking events, cards are usually exchanged after a conversation; don’t just hand out a card without talking. If you’re sharing contact information for a second person, draw an arrow on the front and put the information on the back. Get the most from your contact cards: Organize them in whatever way makes sense for you and your company—by name, event, type of vendor, or other order. Find a system that works for you and keep to it. Manage your technology: If you can do so, you send the message that you can manage other things in your life.

“There are some basic networking tools that you should have at all times. ... Be prepared!”

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Be natural

✓Control your body

language

When we speak in person, we communicate in three ways: words, voice, and body language. Research by Albert Mehrabian of UCLA shows that 55 percent of our communication is through body language, 38 percent comes through our voice, and only seven percent is conveyed in our words. Given what we know about the importance of body language, it makes sense to be attentive to your body. Allow at least 18 inches of personal space around every person with whom you speak. Don’t slouch; keep your shoulders and hips parallel. Smile. Maintain good eye contact without staring. Keep your hands out of your pockets. Don’t cross your arms: this is an unfriendly signal. To better understand body language, read Understanding Body Language by Geoff Ribbens and Richard Thompson (Barron’s Educational Series, 2001). When speaking, one trait to avoid is a rising inflection at the end of a sentence that turns a statement into a question. People don’t generally misunderstand what you’re saying, but your tone suggests a lack of confidence. Here’s a tip for talking on the phone: smile. A smile puts energy, enthusiasm, and a sense of purpose into a voice on the phone. Also, speak slowly. Keep it calm, assured, friendly, and professional. Take charge of the pace: if the other person sounds anxious, slow down; if the conversation is dragging, pick it up a little. Pay attention to the pitch of your voice. 19 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

Use vocabulary that the other people will understand. Acronyms are good—if everybody understands them. Avoid slang and vulgarities. Speak in complete sentences. Use correct grammar. Avoid clichés. Also, don’t use sports analogies or terminology unless the others are familiar with the sports. Otherwise, it’s a foreign language and you risk alienating people. Three quick suggestions for communicating more effectively:

Speak loudly and clearly on the phone: All you’ve got is your voice and your words—only 45 percent of your communication power. Videotape yourself: How do you come across? Get input from your presentation coach. Do this periodically to keep improving. E-mail with care: When we send an e-mail, we’re losing 93 percent of our communication power. Choose your words carefully and make them count!

“For maximum networking success, be aware of all three aspects of communication: your body language, voice/tone, and words.”

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Talk, talk, talk

✓Enter, connect, exit C onversation is essential to networking interactions. Good conversation gets attention, impresses people, makes you memorable, and builds your self-confidence. Before an event, prepare three neutral questions to ask, such as “How do you know the host/company?” “What made you decide to come to this event?” “Have you ever been to one of these events?” and “What other organizations in this industry do you belong to?” Then, focus on neutral topics—business, local places of interest, movies, books, sports. It’s usually best to shift away from talking about politics, gender/sex, religion, weight, age, and others at work. Of course, avoid inappropriate jokes that could be offensive. Also, don’t get too personal, about yourself or others. If a conversation begins to go astray and you feel uncomfortable, take charge. Decline to talk about anything you don’t want to discuss. Switch to a neutral topic. It’s important to listen well. If you have trouble listening, here are some recommendations. If you’re on the phone, stand up. Also, don’t do anything else: the person deserves your total attention. If you’re talking in person, make eye contact and face your body toward the person. Count to three before you speak. Most important, concentrate on the other person’s agenda, not yours. Don’t talk too much or for too long. Just try to build rapport and create an opportunity to follow up and discuss in depth. Talk for three to five minutes, eight max. If others are nearby, draw them into the conversation. 21 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

Leave before the others leave you. Smile and say something like “It was a pleasure talking with you. Enjoy the event.” Don’t leave someone alone. Don’t lie with an excuse. Invite the person to walk with you to the food table or the bar; you’ll likely meet people along the way. If you want to follow up, ask for a business card—and then be sure to follow up! I recommend reading How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman (Workman Publishing, 2000) and Power Talk: Using Language to Build Authority and Influence by Sarah Myers McGinty (Warner Books, 1981). Improve your conversations:

Set the stage for future contact: Don’t try to cram everything into the first conversation. Sometimes people feel too comfortable with someone they’ve just met and they share too much. Let your network develop gradually. Prepare for each conversation: Think through what you want to say. Plan to talk about what you’d like to learn. Meet person to person: Be interesting as a person and interested in others as people. Business conversations are more interesting when there’s a personal story behind them.

“At the heart and soul of any networking interaction is a conversation.”

22

Hit the hot spots

✓Find opportunities P lanes and trains are optimal places to practice networking. Carry a book and have it visible: it indicates that you aren’t expecting others to entertain you and it gives you an out to end a conversation. As soon as you sit down, smile and greet the person or people next to you. Start a conversation by asking about where they’re going. Respect their personal space and pay attention to their body language. At conferences and trade shows, you reflect your company’s image at all times and in all places, so it’s even more crucial to make a strong first impression. When you start talking with people, ask questions, so you can focus your conversations. Make appointments in advance. Be specific about your reasons. And don’t overcommit your schedule: leave time to get away from the action, to recuperate. Go for quality contacts, not just amassing business cards. Get together away from the event, at parties or for dinner. To network more effectively at meetings, here are some suggestions. Arrive early. Exchange business cards with the other participants and place their cards in front of you in the seating order. At the end, thank the others for attending; make sure that any from out of town know how to get to their next destination. To decide whether to attend an event, evaluate it with a “whether report.” What organization is hosting the event? Have you attended its events? Do you know someone in the organization who can help you meet people? Who’s sponsoring the event? What’s the purpose? Who invited you? Who else will be attending? Why? Prospects? 23 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

Clients? Competitors? How many people will be there? How much time will there be for networking? What about logistics—location, price, time, parking? These three points will help you prepare for events:

Know why you want to attend: What’s your goal? Connecting with colleagues? Finding business opportunities? Personal growth? Evaluate the benefits of joining the organization: Do you feel welcome? Are other participants decision makers in your industry? Do you have an opportunity to add value to the organization? Evaluate each person: Before you contact someone, know whether you’ve met already and the circumstances and outcomes. Why do you want to contact this person? Are you ready for any possible result—positive or negative?

“It is always crucial to make a strong first impression, and the stakes are higher at large events such as conferences and trade shows.”

24

Don’t sweat the small stuff

✓Mind your manners Nothing builds confidence more than knowing how to behave appropriately. Here are some recommendations and reminders. When meeting, both men and women shake hands. When introducing yourself, keep it short: give your name and tell how you fit into the situation and why the other person should care—although not necessarily in that order. Your introduction should be about how you can help others. It’s successful if it invites questions and opens a conversation. When introducing two people, remember the proper order: younger to older, junior to senior, your company employee to guest company employee. Give the person’s name, his or her title or role, and the name of the company (if necessary) and then mention something interesting about the person. Don’t drink alcohol during the day; be cautious in the evening. Don’t drive if you’re unable or unsure. Don’t smoke. Discuss; never debate. Be friendly but be careful not to flirt. It’s a fine line. Also, don’t tell any jokes that you wouldn’t want your kids or grandmother to repeat. Always be friendly, respectful, and courteous with receptionists, secretaries, and executive assistants. This is not just right; it’s also wise. These people can help you succeed—or stand in your way. If you have assistants, treat them well and use “please” and “thank you” with them. They should know how you expect them to answer the phone, greet guests, and make all visitors feel welcome. They 25 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

should know what topics are inappropriate for them to discuss with visitors and what behavior to avoid around visitors. These books can help you mind your manners: Get Along, Get Ahead: 101 Courtesies for the New Workplace by Karen S. Hinds (New Books Publishing, 2000), The Etiquette Advantage in Business by Peggy Post and Peter Post (HarperResource, 1999), and Power Etiquette: What You Don’t Know Can Kill Your Career by Dana May Casperson (AMACOM, 1999). These three points will help you connect better:

Think before you dial: Know what you want to ask and whether the person can help. What contacts have you had with him or her? Are you ready to schedule a meeting or to talk right now? Prepare for events: Do you know someone who can advise you on attending this event? Are you mentally, physically, and emotionally ready to be your best? Don’t forget your business cards. Meet more effectively: Remember whether this person has offered you advice—and what you did with it: he or she may ask. Know what results you want from the meeting. Be prepared to take notes—and turn off your cell phone, pager, or PDA.

“There is nothing that builds confidence more than knowing best practices. ... Knowing best practices gives us peace of mind that we know how to conduct ourselves.”

26

Be spontaneous

✓Pack your kit! M ake sure you’re ready for an event by preparing a Networking Survival Kit, so you have everything you need. In fact, you may want to pack several—for your briefcase, your car, and your office. Your kit should include your business cards, two card cases, a pen, 3-by-5 note cards or a small notebook, a Sharpie marker (for your name badge), and breath mints. For an event, you should also have directions to the event and a printout of the front page of the hosting organization’s Web site. For a meeting, take along a portfolio for taking notes and copies of snapshots of all the people who will attend the meeting. If you arrive without what you need, you will come across as apathetic and uninterested. Be ready to meet people, accept help, and share information. It’s also smart to pack another kit for your office and your car. It should include a toothbrush, toothpaste, hand lotion, nail clippers, a file, polish, a comb and/or a brush, hair spray, a lint brush, a cosmetics/shaving kit, tissues, socks/hosiery, moist towelettes, safety pins, a sewing kit, and—of course—more breath mints. For events, do a little research to find out about the organization, the purpose, the participants, and the site. Then, when you arrive, circle the room to scan name badges and get a sense of who’s there before deciding whom to approach. Start with VIPs—early, before they get swamped. Then, meet people who are standing alone. Always ask for a card before offering yours.

27 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

Here are three points to keep in mind:

Name badges are for others, not for you: Print your name in large letters. If you’re gutsy, add something memorable, to start conversations. Put your badge on your right shoulder, rather than your chest, to make it easier for other people to read as you’re shaking hands—and avoid badge holders whose long straps make them navel decorations. Be ready to network: Smile and convey a positive attitude. Stand tall and sit tall. Be guided by your curiosity and accompanied by your sense of humor. Focus on contacts, not cards: Your core goal in networking is to meet people whom you can help and who can help you. It’s not to collect the most business cards. It’s quality that counts, not quantity.

“Before you head to an event, conference, or meeting, you need to pack your Networking Survival Kit. The purpose is to have everything you need for networking in one place.”

28

Grip and grin

✓Socialize with savvy Two points are essential in meeting people: shaking hands and remembering names. People should remember you, not your handshake. Show that you are confident and friendly and you know how to behave in a business situation. Avoid impressing people as aloof, uncertain, unprofessional, or on a power trip. The web between thumb and index finger on your right hand should touch the web on the other person’s right hand and the palms should touch slightly, uncupped. Shake up and down slightly or hold for a moment and let go. Maintain eye contact throughout the handshake and introduction. Refrain from putting your left hand on the other person’s arm, shoulder, or hand. Don’t rotate your right hand “to get the upper hand.” Don’t grip tightly: know your own strength—and don’t use it. Finally, handshakes are for both men and women. Some men hesitate to extend a hand to women, so women should be ready to make the first move. It’s very embarrassing and awkward to forget the name of someone you’ve just met. Here are some suggestions for remembering. Get the name right from the start. If you don’t hear it or can’t repeat it, ask the person to repeat it. Then, use it once or twice in the first few sentences—but not often or it will seem pretentious and get annoying. Develop a system. Some people associate a name with something else. If you’re a visual person, write the name down mentally. If 29 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

you’re auditory, say it out loud. If you’re kinesthetic, imagine tracing the name on the ground with your toe. If possible, take a moment by yourself after meeting someone to write down the name and a few words about the person. If you’re attending a meeting, take notes about each person. If you’re hosting a meeting, provide tent cards—8½-by-11 sheets of paper, folded lengthwise. To improve at shaking hands and remembering names, here are three suggestions:

Practice shaking hands: Ask a few people you trust. Use this book as an excuse to discuss the importance of handshakes. Maybe you can agree to help each other—and then shake on it. Create an incentive for learning names: If I gave you $100 for each name you remembered, how hard would you try? When you meet somebody, just imagine a $100 bill over his or her head. Or if money isn’t a motivator, what about a massage, a round of golf at your favorite club, or an extra week of vacation? Make it easy for others: When you meet someone, help him or her to get your name and remember it. Then you’ll find it easier to make sure you get his or her name—and remember it.

“Every successful professional realizes at some point that he or she needs business training in order to reach the next level of his or her career.”

30

Eat, drink, and be merry

✓Focus on connecting S ometimes when networking we can get distracted by food and beverages ... or hunger and thirst. Eating is a natural part of networking. You just want to be mindful of getting too distracted. If you must eat as part of an event, such as a sit-down dinner, then do so. Otherwise, consider snacking before the event, so you can focus on networking, not your stomach. Always eat before a stand-up event. If you arrive hungry, find someone you know well, a networking buddy, and suggest getting some food and drinks and going somewhere secluded. Eat and catch up on news for 5 or 10 minutes. Then, go network! It’s difficult to juggle a plate and a glass. If you must, be very careful. Stand near a table, so you can put your glass down frequently. Hold any glass in your left hand. Leave your right hand free for shaking—and not cold and clammy from a drink. What if you drop something? If you’re in someone’s home, pick it up immediately. If you’re at a function, use your best judgment. Play it safe: if you’re in a home with a light-colored carpet, stick with white wine or light-colored drinks. If these suggestions are new to you, you should read Power Etiquette: What You Don’t Know Can Kill Your Career by Dana May Casperson (AMACOM, 1999), Chapter 3, “Meal Manners.” Networking frequently includes a bar. Fortunately, it is socially acceptable now to drink less or not to drink at all. If you drink, know your tolerance level and stick to it.

31 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

If you’re likely to drink, carry a snack in your briefcase so you can have a few bites before drinking. Alternate water with your alcoholic drinks or consider stopping after two drinks. Here are three tips for networking around food and drink:

Be prepared to eat: Carry nutrition bars in your briefcase for a handy snack. You won’t be hungry—and alcohol won’t affect you as much. Be appropriate with alcohol: Don’t drink during the day; be cautious in the evening. Know what you can handle. And, of course, don’t drive if you’re unable or unsure. Never drink anything straight from a can: Clean off the top and then pour it into a glass. If you’re familiar with storage areas, you know that stacks of cans are often accompanied by critters and their remnants. It might not bother you, but think about those around you.

“Most networking events involve eating in some fashion. ... Networking frequently includes a bar. ... You want to be unforgettable; however, there are some memories that are better than others.”

32

Catch, corner, and chat

✓Talk tactically O ften we attend a meeting or an event in order to meet the speaker or a VIP. It’s better to approach speakers before they present than afterwards, when there’s often a crowd around them, making contact more difficult. In advance, determine a specific goal and prepare with some research: visit the person’s Web site and read his or her bio. Plan a few questions to ask: that’s the best way to connect quickly. Keep the contact short. If you want to meet a VIP who will attend an event, do some research—especially to make sure that this is the right person to meet. The person at the top is not necessarily the only one who can help you. Ask: this shows respect and professionalism. If you feel that meeting a specific person might be awkward, find someone to introduce you. Consider e-mailing your contact in advance to ask for an introduction and articulate what you can offer him or her. Again, research the person you want to meet. At events, approach people who are alone; they’re more likely to welcome contact. You may make a good connection. If not, it’s a great chance to practice your networking skills. Maybe you can introduce him or her to someone who’s involved with that organization. If you have opportunities to host networking events, work with people in the organization who have experience hosting events or outsource to a professional planner. (Check with Meeting Professionals International, www.mpiweb.org.) Clearly define your goals and your objectives. Select an appropriate and appealing loca33 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

tion. When scheduling activities, allow time for networking. Ask staff members to help people meet. Make sure that members of your company or organization who will attend know what’s expected of them and how to behave appropriately, so they’re confident and capable. Some final guidance for networking smarter:

Ask how you can help: When you meet someone you want to help, ask what you can do for him or her. Just asking can help build rapport. If the person accepts, be sure to do it; your reputation depends on keeping your word. Avoid conversations in public places: Reporters and your competitors may be anywhere. Do not engage in any conversation in public that you would not want to be published or known to your competitors. Follow up after a meeting or an event: Few people follow up and even fewer know how to follow up. Do it—or you’re hurting yourself and your company or organization.

“At an event, if a chance presents itself, quickly ask yourself if this will be your only opportunity to meet the other person. Be strategic, but don’t be foolish. ... Come across as poised and polished, not ill prepared or opportunistic.”

34

Take it easy

✓Overcome your limits S ometimes you might not feel like networking. If you’re tired or the location is inconvenient, OK. But it’s a problem if you’re afraid of talking with people, feeling intimidated, or concerned that you won’t fit in. At times you’ve just got to psych yourself up to attend an event. Here are some suggestions. Find a networking buddy to go with you. Research the event’s Web site and write out some neutral questions. Remember a positive experience from an event you didn’t want to attend. Consider the event as a chance to practice: try a new introduction or challenge yourself to meet a few people. Wear something that makes you feel great and take a cab so you arrive in a peaceful state of mind. Do you feel under pressure to say something meaningful or memorable? Just start with “Hello, how are you?” Do you feel like you’re bothering people? That’s true only if you don’t know what you have to offer. In that case, you’re only thinking about yourself. Shift your focus to the other person. Be friendly and hospitable. It’s a part of being a grown-up. Do you feel like you might seem needy? What if the other person feels the same way? If you’ve thought about why you are networking and with whom, then you’ll know what you have to offer and what the other person may need, so you’ll be genuine and sincere. Do you feel like you don’t fit in? Do a little research on an event to find out if it seems worth attending. If so, then learn more about

35 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

the organization and draft several neutral questions that you could ask anyone you meet at the event. Do you feel nervous? A few exercises should help. Sit down, close your eyes if possible, tense all of your muscles for 10 seconds, relax, and breathe deeply. Repeat once or twice. You can also just breathe: take in a deep breath slowly (four seconds), hold it (again, count to four), and then let it out slowly (four seconds). Do this three times. This works well anytime, anywhere. Here are three ways to make networking easier:

Make sure it’s worth the time and effort: Evaluate every event opportunity with a “whether report.” Avoid overnetworking, which can lead to burnout and bad experiences: Before you contact someone, ask yourself some key questions. When did I last communicate with this person? What were the circumstances? Will he or she recognize my name? What do I want? What is my goal? Change if it’s not working: If you keep doing the same thing again and again and expect different results, that’s irrational.

“Practice makes perfect. If you practice not attending, then you will continually not feel like going to networking events.”

36

Let it happen

✓Follow up right! Follow-up means completing several tasks. One message it sends is that you’re interested in developing a mutually beneficial relationship. Taking responsibility for your part of the relationship sends a signal that you’re a considerate professional. Another is that you have some information you want to share—an introduction to someone else or an article. Use e-mail when time is vital but not your voice, such as when information is needed immediately. Use voice-mail when your voice tone and energy are important. Use snail mail in any situation. A handwritten thank-you note is always welcome—unless accompanied by unrequested materials, such as a sales pitch, résumé, or donation request. When you ask someone to help, make it easy for him or her to decline comfortably. Then, say thank you and move on. If people feel free to say no, they will respect you and will be open to helping you in the future. If somebody to whom you were introduced is not returning your calls, call the person who made the introduction; let him or her know that you’re getting no response and ask for advice. Always update your champion on the status of your new relationship. It’s polite, it shows that you appreciate his or her help, and it gives you a valid reason to be in touch. How many times should you try to follow up? I rarely try more than three times. I usually start with an e-mail (with a subject line to get attention) and a phone call, which I script and practice, to be 37 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

ready for either a human or a machine. Then, if there’s no response, I contact the person who introduced us or I call again. When you call, don’t expect the person to recognize you immediately. Give your name and your company. Then, jog the person’s memory: how you met and when you were in touch last. Ask if he or she has a moment to talk. Keep it short—and end with thanks. It can pay to be persistent—but it’s bad to go too far. Persistence is perseverance, determination, and resolution. To the extreme, it’s stalking—pestering, annoying, aggravating. Know the difference and show respect. Here are three suggestions for following up:

Ask about preferences for follow-up: E-mail? Voice-mail? Snail mail? Ask what the other person prefers—and use that method. Explain when you invite: If you invite someone to lunch, be clear about what you want. If you expect advice or expertise, that approach may not be wise: in essence, you’re buying an hour or more of consulting time for about $20—depending on where you go to lunch. Make it quick—and offer alternatives: Suggest a 15-minute meeting in the person’s office, for example. The meeting is easier to schedule and his or her assistant and resources are at hand, so the person can immediately take action.

“Few people follow up and even fewer know how to follow up. ... The difference between successful networking and unsuccessful networking is follow-up.”

38

Do it all in person

✓Phone, e-mail, mail Try to network in person whenever possible. If that’s impossible, here are some suggestions. When phoning, know what you want and what you’re going to say, script your message, and rehearse it—out loud. Smile when you talk. Always prepare to leave a message. Give your name, the purpose for your call, the best times and ways to reach you, and your phone number and/or e-mail address. Speak clearly and slowly. Repeat your name and contact information. When someone calls you, answer by the third ring—and smile. Turn away from your computer. Write down the caller’s name immediately and use it during the call. Take notes. Stand up if it’s difficult to pay attention. Thank the person for calling. People are more likely to return your calls if you call during working hours, leave good messages, and include contact information. Call again—but only three times. Always return calls—within 48 hours—even if others do not. Your outgoing message is important. Script it, practice it, and speak slowly and clearly. Include an alternate way for people to contact you. Change your message if you’ll be unable to return calls within a day or two. Use e-mail only if you know the other person uses it regularly. Remember: an e-mail is like a postcard—potentially open to the world: write carefully. Keep it brief and use bullets to make it easier to read.

39 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

Set up your e-mail software so your name appears with your address. Use professional signatures. In your subject line, give the recipient a reason to read your message. Use “cc” only when all recipients know each other. Use “bcc” when sending to a group, to maintain individual anonymity. After “to” put your e-mail address and then put all recipient addresses in the “bcc” line. Finally, when replying, change the subject line if the topic changes. Handwritten thank-you notes attract attention because they’re rare. After an initial networking connection, send a brief thank-you note within 24 hours. When possible, use monogrammed notecards and be sure to include your business card. After the initial meeting you don’t need to send a thank-you note for every meeting or lunch. Just be sure to stay in close contact so the win-win is clear for all. These three points make it easier to get what you want:

Ask for help: Others cannot always guess what we want. Be prepared to accept a negative response, so as not to make the person feel uncomfortable. Be specific: Know what you want and communicate it clearly. When preparing for a call or an event, be prepared for the question, “How can I help you?” Express your appreciation: If someone agrees to help you, show your gratitude. If the person declines, for whatever reason, thank him or her for considering your request.

“Your goal should be to get your ‘face in the place’ whenever possible. However, that isn’t always possible.”

40

Expect success

✓Cultivate your garden To maintain and grow your network, here are a few suggestions. Once or twice a month, meet with someone you like—business or personal—and ask what you can do for him or her. Build relationships before you need them. Introduce people. Take the initiative in starting relationships. Get involved with professional organizations. Check out the possibilities and identify the best choices and the reasons for joining each. Then, join and—if possible—get involved in a leadership position or on a committee. Also, join a few clubs, just for fun, in areas that interest you. In each of these communities, you’ll meet people whom you can help and who can help you. Volunteering is also a good way to grow your network. Get active in a few organizations, strategically. Hold networking meetings within your company. Try getting people together monthly to share ideas and discuss problems and solutions. Involve senior managers. Find opportunities to write, speak, and teach. These are highly effective ways to increase your visibility and credibility. Print publications always want quality articles by people in business. Invest a little time and effort in becoming known as an authority. Speaking at local business gatherings or professional association events is also good. It takes more knowledge and the ability to draw upon that knowledge spontaneously in interactions, but such experiences can give a solid boost to your networking.

41 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

Create and maintain a personal Web site. It’s a smart investment. Get your own domain name or use something professional. Several pages may be sufficient—each page short enough to print out on one sheet. Put contact information on every page—but not your home address or phone number. Keep your site current. As you consider ways to grow your network, keep these three things in mind:

Choose your causes carefully: Whether you pick a cause for business or personal reasons, it will reflect on both. Why does this cause appeal to you? Is it the best use of your time in terms of networking? Be professional: Treat all commitments as if they were business responsibilities. It’s the right thing to do—and it’s smart for your reputation. Keep developing: Meet regularly with your networking support groups to discuss your skills and strategies.

“Keep your network strong and healthy. When you maintain your network, you will never have to start from scratch again.”

42

Accept attitudes

✓Rise above prejudices S tereotypes abound. People tend to have certain expectations of others according to gender, race, culture, religion, political affiliation, age, appearances, and so on. However ridiculous stereotypes and those expectations may be, they are real. So, it’s wise to accept this fact of life and learn ways to manage situations complicated by stereotypes. It’s smart to network with people whom you can help and who can help you. It’s not smart to allow race, culture, gender, or anything other than ability to affect your networking decisions. And it’s downright stupid to make any decision based on any of those factors before you meet someone. One of the most established networks in business circles is the “old boys network.” This is changing as more and more women enter business and move up—often by working with other women, sometimes through men who understand that ability is not limited to a single gender. Members of ethnic groups have also had difficulties succeeding in business circles. Here again, networking has helped, informally and formally through such organizations as the Latino Professional Network, the National Black MBA Association, the National Association of Asian American Professionals, and the Minority Professionals Association. This book is all about the benefits of networking. However, it should be mentioned that there are evil networks. Some are more obviously evil, like terrorist networks. Some are more insidious, such as cults. Any time someone within a network asks you to think or do 43 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

something that you feel is wrong, it’s time to evaluate that person’s role in your network. Do not stay in an environment in which you are asked to compromise your values. Life is too short. Don’t waste your talents on people and communities that don’t appreciate them. These three points sum up smart networking reactions to stereotypes:

Find people who appreciate you: If your networking is not working, ask yourself, “Does this community of people genuinely appreciate me for what I offer?” If not, look around. Some are definitely better than others. Work against social limitations: If you feel that stereotypes are hurting your efforts to network, try to find people who are sympathetic to your situation and can help. It may be a friend with connections. It may be a group of people who are similarly limited by negative attitudes. Fight your own prejudices: We make instant decisions about people based on factors that should have no importance. Sometimes it’s very difficult to change. Be network smart: don’t close your eyes to problems and do rise above your prejudices.

“While it is tempting to be influenced by the networking factors discussed here, at the end of the day we fall into three networks: Smart, Not Smart, Bad News.”

44

Do what works

✓Do what’s right Your reputation is your most valuable life asset, both professionally and personally. Network ethically and wisely. It’s difficult to call people we don’t know; sometimes it’s tempting to use a little deception to gain access. Be careful. If you access someone under false pretenses, it will be discovered. Don’t risk it. Use someone’s name only when he or she has given you permission to do so. It’s better to ask the person to do an introduction by e-mail or phone. However, it’s OK to say something like “I met X at a trade show last week and he mentioned your name. I doubt he would remember me, since he met a lot of people there.” Do not let the other person believe that your mutual acquaintance has endorsed or recommended you. If that’s true, a letter or email of introduction is appropriate. Respect the limits of your relationships. Never exaggerate about how well you know someone. On your résumé, your background and claims to experience should be both complete and accurate. Find someone who specializes in writing them. It will be worth your effort, time, and money to get it right. If you think it’s expensive, consider the alternative. Dana May Casperson offers the following ethical guidelines in Power Etiquette: What You Don’t Know Can Kill Your Career. Don’t participate in gossip. Maintain your personal dignity and try to preserve the dignity of others. Keep confidences and maintain confidentiality. Be honest. Keep your word. Unless you tell people what your ethical boundaries are, you cannot assume that they will see a situation in the same way as you. If you 45 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

feel like someone is increasingly imposing on you, it’s probably that your expectations and perspectives are different. At that point, you can either say something or back away. It depends on the value of that relationship. Finally, as mentioned in the preceding lesson, do not stay in an environment in which you are asked to compromise your values. If someone within a network asks you to think or do something that you feel is wrong, it’s time to evaluate the network and consider leaving. Here are three essential ethical points:

Take pride in what you do: If you aren’t proud of your words and actions, why not? That may be a sign that you’ve crossed an ethical line. Give proper credit to those who have been a part of your success: You would expect the same consideration from the people whom you’ve helped. Be honest—always and in all ways: You will never regret it.

“If you have to ask yourself if something is right or wrong, you already have the answer.”

46

Learn from experience

✓Keep developing! This little book and The Networking Survival Guide on which it was based can give you a great start in networking. You’ll learn a lot from practicing, from your experiences and their results, and from other people. So go back and review what you’ve read here now. Think about ways you can apply the practices described in your everday life. Consider how those methods might help you expand your circle of friends and professional acquaintances as well as your own sphere of influence with others. Then, when you’re out, say on the subway or at the store, try connecting with someone with whom you have nothing to risk if things don’t work out as you’d like. (The likelihood is that things will go fine.) There is nothing like actually doing the things you’ve read about in a book like this to take them from the realm of theory to real-world experience—making them your own. And after all, that’s the whole point. While this book is about networking in many different contexts, we all know that building and maintaining your network is a key to finding the kind of job you’d really like and to building your career. So doesn’t it make sense to go about this a bit more intelligently than the hit-or-miss approach of most people? As you do this, build a database of the business cards and other information you pick up. You may even want to enter this data on your computer along with notes about the person that you can refer to later. 47 Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

Make it a point to keep developing your skills as a networker. The fact is that in life we really are all in this together. It’s smart, therefore, to consciously build mutually beneficial relationships that come from networking. And it’s not only smart, it’s also personally rewarding. To have a large network of people that you can call on when you need help as well as to be someone who helps others is one key to leading a fulfilling life. With these ideas in mind, I’ll close this final lesson with three comments:

Build benefits both ways: As I mentioned at the start, networking is the art of building and sustaining mutually beneficial relationships. If you focus on both parties, the other person as well as yourself, you’ll network more easily and effectively. Learn from others: You know people who network well and you’ll meet others. Ask them what ideas or resources have helped them most. Recommend this book, if you’d like. Use this book—now: This book has taken you through all of the basics of networking. Now, put it to work for you!

“Be a lifelong learner and add networking to your portfolio of talents.”

48

About the Author Diane Darling is principal consultant for Effective Networking, Inc., the company she founded on the premise that everyone can learn to network: they just need to find their own style. She has received rave reviews for her seminars and speeches and is increasingly sought after as an expert resource on the subject of networking. She has appeared on NBC Nightly News and in The Wall Street Journal, San Francisco Chronicle, and the Boston Globe. She now lives in Boston, Massachusetts. Her hobbies include watching football, reading, and attempting to play tennis. In order to overcome her fear of public speaking, she took acting and standup comedy classes. Visit her Web site at www.effectivenetworking.com, where you can learn more about her company and sign up for her free e-mail newsletter “The Net Effect.”

Copyright © 2005 by Diane Darling. Click here for terms of use.

“Getting to know people and letting others get to know you begins the cycle that empowers the networking process.”

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