Things I'll Never Say

Citation preview

Things I’ll Never Say

M.J. O’Shea

Things I’ll Never Say M.J. O’Shea Published by Republica Press 1008 North Talbot Windsor, Ontario N9G 2S3 www.republicapress.com

All rights reserved. Copyright © 2010 by M.J. O’Shea No part of this e-book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, including emailing, printing, photocopying, or faxing without prior written permission from Republica Press ISBN 978-1-926830-17-9 Available in Adobe PDF, MobiPocket and ePUB Printed in Canada Editor: Emma Holt Cover Artist: M.J. O’Shea

Dedication

To my beach-loving honey. This one's for you.

The ocean glittered in the setting sun. Fiery orange, pink, and shimmering gold dappled the surface of the Pacific creating a kaleidoscope of colored light far out into the horizon. The shore was at least a hundred feet away, nearly invisible in the blinding light of the last few moments of sun. Sam balanced, sitting on top of his board, breathing in the scents of salt and warmth. His legs dangled in the water tiredly and he could feel his shaking arms start to tighten up. It didn’t matter, though. At that moment, in the glow of the setting sun, his world seemed perfect. He had spent the afternoon with the most perfect set of swells imaginable. Who cared if they had ridden him more than the other way around? He was tired, full of salt and sand, and completely blissed out. The turbulent sea that had greeted them a few hours before had finally calmed, near glassy in the evening quiet. Sam scanned the horizon looking for Ryan, his best friend and permanent surfing partner. Ryan had been the one to wake him that morning with news of the best surf of the summer. They had piled in Sam’s Jeep, boards tied precariously to the roof, and drove an hour and a half up the coast to a beach that had been their secret place for years. Sam grinned to himself. He wasn’t devoted enough to get up early and listen to the surf reports. He had Ryan to thank for such a perfect day. He saw a splash about twenty-five yards in the distance, and waited, watching his favorite person in the whole world paddle up to his side. When Ryan reached him, he sat up on his board as well and gave Sam a tired but elated look. “That was freaking amazing,” Ryan panted, still breathing from his long paddle. He gave Sam a huge smile. Sam grinned back. Although he was smiling, Ryan’s sweet

Things I’ll Never Say familiar face reminded him that everything wasn’t exactly perfect. There was a twinge of bitterness in the beautiful day, their totally peaceful moment. Ryan was leaving him. Sam still couldn’t quite put his head around it. In two and a half short weeks, his best friend was going away to college and it was all going to be completely different. It was going to suck. A lot. Some of the other guys in their group were leaving, too. A few of them had already gone, to settle in early or try out for sports teams. It was tough to say goodbye to them, it really was. They had been his boys for as long as he could remember and he hated to see them go; but losing Ryan felt like his insides were being ripped out. **** Sam still remembered the day when he and Ryan first met. It felt like a lifetime ago. His teacher had told the class that there would be a boy transferring in from one of the schools in the city. Though they were only ten, most of the kids in his class had been savvy enough to know that “in the city” was code for “from a bad neighborhood.” It meant that Ryan was a scholarship kid. They had all rolled their eyes and snickered. There were a few others, smart kids from the wrong part of town. Usually they stuck to themselves and Sam’s friends didn’t encourage them to mix. It was understood that the scholarship kids were there to keep the school’s academic scores high so that rich parents would continue to send in money. They weren’t tortured, but they were nowhere even close to socially accepted. Sam remembered being annoyed the day that their teacher had picked him to be a guide for the newest poor kid. He didn’t have a problem with the guy, didn’t even know his name. Sam just didn’t feel like being the assigned friend to some brainiac from East Compton or wherever. Turned out it was the best thing that had ever happened to him. By the end of the day Sam had forgotten that he was supposed to be nice to the kid everyone felt sorry for. He had even -6-

M.J. O’Shea forgotten that he was supposed to feel sorry for him. He was too busy getting to know his new best friend. With Sam’s endorsement, Ryan had evolved quickly from being a ‘scholarship kid’ into just one of the guys; not merely accepted but a natural leader. He was smart and funny, down to earth, impossible not to like. He wasn’t really from a bad neighborhood, just an average single parent middle class house with four sisters who constantly argued at the tops of their voices—a world away from wealthy Malibu, but nowhere near the ghetto. Ryan had been glad to escape from the chaos of his all female family, so he was more than happy to make friends with Sam and his crew. Their little band of boys did everything together— play sports, camp on the beach, learn to surf. They had shared everything with each other, from stories of their first minor conquests with the girls to highly exaggerated tales of monster waves they had ridden. By the end of that first school year Sam barely remembered what it was like when Ryan wasn’t his best friend. They were inseparable and he wouldn’t have had it any other way. Somewhere around eighth grade Ryan had sort of moved into Sam’s house. It was never really official, just convenient. Instead of the hour plus bus ride, he could be minutes away from school. It went unsaid that he could also be away from his loud squabbling sisters. He usually spent at least four nights out of seven at Sam’s place and he even had his own room. It seemed like the best thing for everyone involved. Ryan’s mother had one less person to worry about, and Sam had an instant family. His parents were gone nearly all the time anyway on some business trip or social function. Sam’s big house had been lonely until Ryan’s laughter filled in all the empty corners. Besides, Ryan was way better than Rosaria, his maid/nanny/surrogate mother who spent most of her time scolding him—in Spanish.

-7-

Things I’ll Never Say Sam had spent almost half of his life with Ryan. It really did feel like they were family. Maybe even closer since there was none of the squabbling that usually happens with real siblings. Ryan was the other half of him. Sam had no idea how he was going to give him up. It had never been suggested by anyone that Sam go too, all the way to rainy Seattle and the University of Washington, so he hadn’t said anything. He just watched Ryan, all excited, get his acceptance letter and felt his heart tear in two. **** “Ready to go in, Sammy?” Sam smiled, startled slightly. Ryan hadn’t called him that in about a million years. Maybe he could sense that Sam was sad. “Yeah, let’s go.” He lay down on his stomach and started paddling towards the shore. He could hear Ryan’s strokes behind him; feel his presence in the air. It was reassuring to still have him near, even if it was only going to be for a couple more short weeks. Sam tried not to think as he paddled towards the crescent of darkening sand. He tried to let the rhythm of his strokes take over, to concentrate on the burning in his biceps, but he could feel his eyes stinging and he knew it wasn’t from too much salt. Get a grip! he told himself. He didn’t know why Ryan’s leaving was getting to him so much. It wasn’t like he was going off to war or anything. Just Seattle. And he’d be home on holidays, right? Plus, Sam knew when it came to the bottom line, they were just friends. Not really a family. He didn’t actually have any hold on Ryan at all. But it still didn’t mean that him leaving wasn’t the suckiest thing in the world. Because it was. ****

-8-

M.J. O’Shea Ryan thought Sam was beautiful. So beautiful it hurt to look at him. He was lanky and nearly as tall as Ryan’s six one. His surfer’s body was golden and tan beneath the bright blue t-shirt he wore. His already blonde hair was kissed by the sun making it nearly white in some areas, and that open friendly grin he had made Ryan’s stomach all goofy and weak. But that wasn’t the best part. The best part, Ryan’s favorite part, were Sam’s eyes, turquoise blue like the Caribbean, huge and rimmed with the most unbelievably long curly lashes. He couldn’t begin to count the number of times he’d wished those glorious eyes had something other then friendship and brotherly affection in them. He dreamed that just one time he would look up and Sam would be staring back at him with all of the love and lust and need that Ryan had felt inside for nearly as long as they had been friends. Of course it hurt to look at him. Sam was his best friend, nearly his brother, and Ryan was turned-inside-out-head-over-heels in love with him…not that Sam would ever find out. That was one of the few things Ryan would never say to him. Maybe the only thing. **** It was almost time for dinner. Ryan was sitting at the kitchen counter watching Sam cook. It was his favorite thing to do other than surfing. The graceful dance that was Sam in the kitchen never ceased to amaze him. He flitted back and forth from the fridge to the oven to the huge butcher-block island where neatly chopped piles of veggies and chicken were growing by the minute. It almost seemed like he was doing nothing at all, then suddenly all of his preparations would be done. Ryan constantly marveled at the process. Sam’s love of cooking had evolved slowly. Fueled originally by Rosaria’s lack of culinary skills and a pure disinterest in teenage junk food, he had started experimenting with salads, home made pizza, pastas, and desserts. By the time they were juniors in high school he was making dinner every night and packing great stuff for them to have in their lunches. Ryan knew Sam was -9-

Things I’ll Never Say planning to apply to a few culinary academies in the fall, much to the horror of his upper crust parents. His mother of course put a spin on it, of course, telling everyone that her son was going to be a famous chef some day. Ryan believed that Sam could do it. He believed Sam could do anything. Of course he did. That’s what happened when you were in love with someone. He watched Sam slice the chicken and beef for the skewers he was planning to grill later. His hands were graceful with the knife, dexterous and gentle. Ryan had spent long hours imagining what those long delicate fingers could do to his body. He nearly moaned aloud picturing it: Sam touching him all over, threading his fingers through Ryan’s hair, arching his back in mindless pleasure… Stop it! Ryan sighed. It was useless. He couldn’t force himself to stop the wanting no matter how much he tried. Sam’s hair was hanging in his face as he leaned over, intent on his task. Ryan’s hands itched to reach over and feel the soft strands, to run it between his fingertips and revel in the silky texture. He wanted to taste and touch him everywhere that Sam could be tasted and touched. He wanted to fall asleep with Sam in his arms and kiss him awake in the morning with loving little bites and gentle nuzzles. More than anything, Ryan wanted to feel the tight heat of Sam’s body surrounding him, caressing him, as he slowly pushed inside. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like to have Sam inside of him but he wanted that too. God, he wanted that; so much that it made his belly tighten with need every time that he thought of it—which was more often than he wished. Ryan tried to hide a shiver. It was that same feeling in the pit of his stomach that he felt every single time he looked at Sam. He wished he could just open his mouth and tell Sam how he felt. - 10 -

M.J. O’Shea They had shared their lives together for so many years that they should be able to tell each other anything. He felt he could say anything to Sam, well anything other than the one thing he really needed him to know. It was the one exception to the ‘tell your best friend everything’ rule and it was a big one. Sam loved him, but just as a friend. No, more than that, he loved him as a brother. Ryan would never do anything to ruin that bond. The wanting had to be pushed aside. “Whatchya thinking about, Ry? You look distracted.” Sam had looked up from dinner preparations, pausing with his knife on the board. “Just school,” Ryan lied. “I guess I’m getting kind of nervous now that it’s closer.” Sam tried to hide the sad look on his face by glancing back down to the vegetables but it was impossible to miss. Ryan hated to see Sam so sad. “Sam, I’m going to be home for Christmas. It’s only three and a half months.” “Yeah, I know. Three and a half months. When was the last time we were apart for even three and a half days? Who’s going to surf with me? Who am I going to go to for advice? Rosaria? This sucks. Can you tell me again what was wrong with UCLA?” Ryan was well aware of Sam’s opinion on his choice of colleges. He hated how hurt his best friend was but he knew he needed to get away. He needed to separate himself from Sam before too many years went by and he ended up living his entire life alone, in love with someone he could never have. He needed to be on his own, date, get over the guy who would never be anything but his best friend. “I need a new scene, Sammy. I told you that. I’m going to miss you, too. Like crazy. I’ve never had another best friend and you know I’m not going to replace you. I just need to be my own guy for a change. Not Ryan the little brother, not Ryan that kid who’s Sam Belford’s best friend. Just Ryan.”

- 11 -

Things I’ll Never Say Sam shook his head, looking defeated. “You are just Ryan to me,” he murmured quietly, taking the tray of grill fixings and heading to the beach patio. His sad look made Ryan’s heart melt. **** Sam knew it was wrong of him to keep making Ryan feel guilty about his choice but he couldn’t help it. He guessed that it was the normal thing for friends to do, to go off, move on and live their own lives. It still felt wrong to him. Like him and Ryan weren’t meant to be just regular friends who lived separate lives. To Sam they were a family. He didn’t know how that was supposed to work forever but somehow it had to. He supposed that Ryan would find a wife and have kids and maybe he would too. For some reason, though, that was never the future that he saw. He’d always seen them being together forever. Just like it had been. Obviously he was wrong. As he set up the food and started the grill, Sam tried to talk himself into being supportive, happy for his best friend, but it didn’t work. The crash of the waves in the darkness soothed him a little bit and so did putting dinner on the grill for him and Ryan. But the feeling wouldn’t go away completely. That hard sad pit in his stomach was just getting bigger as the day came closer when Ryan had to leave. Sam tried not to think about the fact that when Ryan was gone he wouldn’t have anyone to cook for anymore, no one to take care of. He would miss taking care of Ryan almost as much as missing Ryan himself. Ryan came out with plates, silverware, and a few beers. There was always a ton of alcohol in the house left over from Sam’s parents’ huge parties and they didn’t mind if he had a little every once in a while as long as they never heard from the police. Honestly, Sam knew they didn’t give a shit what he did as long as he didn’t embarrass them. He was more of an accessory than a real son. - 12 -

M.J. O’Shea He sighed, reminded of yet another one of the other bad parts about losing Ryan. He was going to have to go back to being alone like he had been before. Sam wasn’t used to the solitude anymore. It wasn’t like he was going to find some other friend to move into the house in Ryan’s place. Sam unconsciously made a face. That would feel so wrong. He vowed to apply for culinary school as soon as possible. It would drive him nuts not to have anything to do but be by himself for hours at a time, wandering around his big empty Malibu house. His parents had wanted him to apply to a real college, one of the expensive and exclusive ones on their list of acceptable choices, but he had refused. He didn’t want to waste thousands of dollars on something that wasn’t for him. The only things in his life that he really loved were surfing and cooking…and Ryan of course. He wasn’t ever going to be a surf pro and there was no such thing as a professional best friend (except maybe on Entourage), so he figured cooking was going to have to be it. Problem was even cooking wouldn‘t be the same without Ryan to appreciate his efforts. Sam tried to shake himself out of his funk. Determined not to ruin the last weeks with his best friend, he put on a smiling face as he grilled their dinner and sipped one of his parents’ expensive micro-brewed beers. “What do you want to do tonight?” he asked Ryan, who was busily enjoying the dinner that Sam had made. Ryan didn’t reply for a minute. Sam hoped he didn’t have plans with one of the girls he had been casually dating. He had this irrational feeling like he didn’t want to share his best friend with anyone in the little time they had left. “Hadn’t really thought about it,” Ryan finally answered. He smiled at Sam, as if he thought maybe Sam had an idea. “Go see a movie?” Sam suggested. He didn’t really want to do that, but he figured he should say something. - 13 -

Things I’ll Never Say “I’m honestly happy staying at home.” Ryan crunched appreciatively on a bell pepper. Some part of Sam buried way on the inside smiled because Ryan considered Sam’s house his home. That same part of him hoped it was the home Ryan would come back to when he was done doing whatever it was he needed to do in Seattle. “Home is good,” he replied with a smile. It was exactly what he wanted. **** They did something that night that they hadn’t done since they were kids. It was like they were visiting all their old haunts, reminiscing about times that would never come again. When they were younger they used to turn off all the lights, lay on the deck chairs, get lost in the stars, and wonder about life out in the vast emptiness. In those days they had talked about Martians, far off worlds, and deep space travel. That night, laying on those same cushy deck chairs, looking at the same glittering array of stars for the first time in years, they were silent. It was a comfortable silence, both engrossed in their thoughts. Sam had always liked the feeling of being enveloped in the night sky. Almost like his body had disappeared and he was floating out there in the abyss. It made his worries about the future seem a little less significant. Ryan and Sam stayed out on the deck looking up at the sky for hours. The only constant sounds were the subdued crashing of waves and a faint rush of traffic from the distant highway. They exchanged comments now and then, but were mostly peaceful in each other’s company. There was a slight sadness in the air, a ‘this is the last time’ kind of feeling. Sam thought he might be imagining it, pushing his own emotions out into the warmth of the night. It really did feel like everything was ending, though, not just being put on hold. Even in three and a half months when Ryan came back, it wouldn’t be the same. Ryan would have made new friends,

- 14 -

M.J. O’Shea forged new identities. He wouldn’t be Sam’s Ryan any more. He wouldn’t even be just Ryan anymore. He would be different. “Sammy?” Ryan whispered. They had been quiet for close to a half an hour. Ryan probably thought he had fallen asleep. “Yeah?” he whispered back. For some reason talking out loud seemed wrong. “I’m really tired. You wanna call it a night?” “Sure,” Sam answered, and started to sit up. He noticed Ryan standing in front of him with his hand held out. Sam reached for it automatically. When their fingers touched he felt a strange sensation unlike anything he had felt before. It was a lightness deep in his belly, a shivery tightening that made him shiver. The feelings were new, but Sam liked them. More than liked them. They had touched thousands of times in the years of their friendship, but this latest touch was different. What’s the matter with me? Sam thought. He stood quickly and dropped Ryan’s hand, but the feeling wasn’t forgotten. It had almost seemed like in that second Ryan was taking Sam’s hand to lead him to bed, and not alone but with him. Like they were going to lie down together and hold each other in the darkness. The weird part was that it didn’t feel weird at all. It felt really good. Sam figured he must be half asleep since he was obviously hallucinating. He shook his head and gave Ryan a light punch on the shoulder. “Night, dude,” he grumbled. “Good night, Sammy.” There it was again. When Ryan called him Sammy that feeling came back, fainter but still noticeable. Sam felt the urge to lean into Ryan’s arms and nuzzle his cheek up against Ryan’s warm tanned neck. He tried to squash the impulse as he trudged into the house and up the stairs to his room. - 15 -

Things I’ll Never Say **** Only one more week…Sam had tried not to count down the days in his head but he supposed it was impossible to stop. He only had one more week with Ryan. Seven days. One hundred and sixty-eight hours. Each one of those hours seemed like it went by quicker than the one before it. He was starting to panic, a feeling that used to be so familiar back when he’d been alone. He hadn’t felt it in years. Now, every few hours he would think of Ryan leaving and his chest would get all tight and his heart would start thundering. He’d try to calm himself down, remind himself that he wasn’t going to be alone forever. Sam knew, though, that it wasn’t really the thought of being alone in general. It was the idea of being without Ryan that was really making him feel so awful. He had to concentrate on pushing the panic down. Ryan was leaving and there was nothing he could do about it. “Hey, you wanna watch a movie?” Ryan’s head poked into the door of his room. Sam had been playing solitaire on the computer while he waited for Ryan to shower. He didn’t want to dwell on the irony of that fact. They’d had another great day at the beach and had stopped for fish tacos on the way home at their favorite little dive. Think about that instead, he told himself. “Sure, I could do a movie. What do you want to watch?” Sam closed his game down and stood, stretching. His muscles were stiff and achy. They’d surfed that day until nearly dark. “It doesn’t really matter,” Ryan replied with a yawn. “Something I don’t have to pay too much attention to. I’m pretty wiped out.” Sam smiled at his tired friend. “Yeah, me too. Too much sun I think.” They settled on the couch after Sam put the movie in and set all the different dials on his parents’ complicated entertainment system. He had picked an action comedy that they had both - 16 -

M.J. O’Shea seen before; mindless but entertaining, perfect after their long day. Sam knew pretty much right away he wasn’t going to make it through the whole thing. His eyes were already feeling a little droopy. He leaned his head back against the cushioned couch loving that lethargic half asleep floaty feeling. The salt breeze from the ocean drifted in through the open deck doors and Ryan’s soft sleepy breathing lulled him. He figured he’d have to get up and go to bed soon. But he was just so comfortable… **** Ryan had no idea what’d happened. They were watching the movie and he’d been tired but awake, trying not to notice the way Sam smelled or how much he wanted to hold him. The next thing he knew, it was the middle of the night and he was waking up to the chirp of some confused bird outside in one of the lemon trees. Ryan blinked his eyes, thrown off by the bird and the absolute darkness and the fact that he wasn’t in his bed. Even more unsettling was the soft warm weight of a body covering his. Oh god. Sam. They must have fallen asleep during the movie and somehow, unbelievably, Sam had curled up next to him in his sleep with his arm wrapped around Ryan’s waist and his leg threaded between Ryan’s suddenly shaky thighs. He sighed, wishing it were for real. Ryan knew he should try to separate them without waking his sleeping friend but he couldn’t stand to do it. He’d wanted this for way too long. With a long silent sigh, Ryan laid his head back on the couch pillow. A few more hours, he bargained with himself. Then he’d slip out from under the slumbering Sam and go to his room. Ryan shifted his arm, making as little movement as possible, and threaded his fingers through Sam’s golden hair, cradling his head gently. He could feel his soft breath against his neck, warm

- 17 -

Things I’ll Never Say and damp. The sensation made little shivers of pleasure trill up and down Ryan’s spine. He fought the urge to haul Sam up against his body and kiss him until they had to come up for air. Sam mumbled a little and Ryan was afraid he’d woken, but instead he made an adorable little smacking noise with his lips and snuggled closer, tightening his arm around Ryan’s waist. It was heaven, nirvana, pure bliss. Ryan hadn’t ever felt anything better. His body shuddered slightly then settled, acclimating itself to a sensation long dreamed of but never experienced. He didn’t want to fall asleep and miss a single second of having Sam in his arms. He definitely didn’t want to risk having Sam wake up first and freak out, which he probably would. They punched and teased each other all the time but they’d never been particularly touchy-feely. Ryan knew he should move but he couldn’t help himself. He was tired and holding Sam felt so comfortable and right that he started drifting off. Just for a little while, he thought. Then I’ll get up. **** It was sunny and bright when he woke the next time. He opened his eyes blearily when he felt the cushions shift. The sight that greeted him was a humiliated looking Sam huddled in the far corner of the couch. Ryan’s body felt cold without the comforting weight it had become used to. “I’m so sorry,” Sam mumbled miserably when he noticed that Ryan was awake. “I didn’t mean to do that. I was asleep.” Ryan didn’t know how to handle the situation. He obviously couldn’t tell him that it was way more than okay, that it had been the best night he’d ever had. Ignorance, he realized. It would be best for Sam if he pretended to have slept through the whole thing. “What are you talking about, Sammy?” he mumbled, making a show out of yawning and wiping his eyes. “Were you snoring or something? I was so passed out.”

- 18 -

M.J. O’Shea Sam shook his head. “No. I woke up lying on top of you. We were…cuddling. I have no idea how long I was there.” Ryan chuckled at Sam’s unexpected honesty and the excruciatingly embarrassed look on his face. “Hey, so you’re a cuddly sleeper. No big deal. Maybe I am too. Who knows?” He ruffled Sam’s hair casually. Sam smiled, looking relieved. Ryan wanted more than anything to drag Sam back into his arms where he obviously belonged. It had felt so good to have him there. Instead he stood and reached out his hand to haul Sam up, too. Sam stood and they looked at each other quietly for a minute before Ryan caved and pulled Sam close for a long hug. Touchy relationship or not, he needed it. “I’m going to miss you, dork.” “I’m going to miss you too,” Sam replied. Then he looked up and Ryan felt a shot to his gut. Those eyes… “What do you want to do today?” Ryan asked quickly, changing the subject. He looked away from Sam’s rumpled hair and incredible sexy sleepy eyes. That boy had no idea how gorgeous he was. Luckily he also didn’t know how Ryan was thinking about grabbing his hand, dragging him up to bed, and spending the next twenty years or so making him come so hard he screamed. He wished he could see the look of ecstasy on Sam’s face as he toppled over the edge into oblivion. Ryan felt himself getting hard at the thought of it and ground his teeth together. Hold it together for one more week then you can find someone new at school. At least he hoped he could. Another year of loving Sam so much he could barely breathe was going to kill him. **** It was so late it was almost early, nearly three in the morning. Ryan couldn’t believe he was actually leaving for Seattle in less than twenty-four hours. He had to load up his ancient Corolla - 19 -

Things I’ll Never Say and start driving before noon if he had any hope of making it for freshman orientation on Monday. He had packed and unpacked about a million times. It was hard to decide what was worth taking and what should be left behind. He knew there was one thing he was leaving behind that it was going to be nearly impossible to live without. Maybe because he didn’t want to leave Sam he was subconsciously making every other decision totally difficult for himself. Sometime after that amazing night on the couch, he had started regretting his brave decision to go off on his own and try to figure out who he was without Sam and his family around. When he made the choice to apply out of state, it had seemed like a great idea. Be independent with his very own identity; meet new people and all the usual stuff. Plus he really didn’t think he had a chance of finding someone else to love, someone who could love him back as more than a friend, if he never left the comfortable but agonizing friendship he had with Sam. Great idea? Right about then he was thinking it was the stupidest thing he had ever decided to do in his life. Leave the one person that he loved more than anyone else to go try to make it on his own? What was he thinking? Of course, having Sam look at him with those sad betrayed eyes didn’t help. He didn’t think Sam even realized what he was doing but it was totally killing him. They had been lounging on Ryan’s bed playing video games for hours. It was a good distraction to stop them both from thinking about what was going to happen in the morning. They had gone through nearly every game that Ryan had, neither one of them ready to go to bed and face the morning’s goodbyes. For the last hour or so, they had been embroiled in a vicious Mario Kart battle, laughing their asses off at the same time as they tried to ram each other over every available cliff. Ryan finally got Sam just as he was about to pass him at the finish line. He crowed victoriously and laughed at Sam’s look of pure outrage.

- 20 -

M.J. O’Shea “That’s it!” Sam shouted jokingly. He tossed his controller onto the floor and attacked. Ryan laughed even more and gave back at least as hard as he got. The fight started silly and got even sillier. What began as laughing and wrestling turned into poking, tickling, and giggling so hard that neither of them could even begin to catch their breath. Minutes went by, both boys struggling to get the upper hand in their mock battle. Ryan was taller and broader across the shoulders and had the obvious advantage, but wiry Sam always managed to find his weaknesses. Maybe because Ryan really didn’t mind letting him win if it meant he could be underneath him. Sam of course won, and Ryan tried not to smile too obviously as he looked up at Sam’s laughing face. “I surrender!” he finally gasped, his breath and the laughter that still bubbled up fighting in his throat. Sam still had him pinned to the mattress and had been tapping on Ryan’s ribs relentlessly. They grinned at each other. “Yeah?” Sam asked, breathing hard through his huge smile. “Say ‘I only win because I’m a big fat cheater.’” Sam made another lunge for his ribs and Ryan burst into laughter. When he’d finally gotten his hands secured around Sam’s squirming wrists he answered. “How ‘bout I only win because I’m better at cheating than you are?” Ryan smirked up at Sam, his heart skipping a beat at the sight of Sam’s beautiful smile. Sam laughed again and let up the pressure. Ryan began to sit up just as Sam leaned over to get the second forgotten controller from the corner of the bed. Their foreheads conked against each other and they both fell back to the bed groaning and laughing again. Ryan felt something shift in the pit of his stomach. God, I’m going to miss this. I’m going to miss us. He looked over at Sam and realized consciously in that second what he had probably always known. He wasn’t going to find a replacement for Sam at college. Not as a friend and not as anything else. He had been in love with Sam for as long as he could remember, probably since - 21 -

Things I’ll Never Say that day on the playground when they were ten years old. There wasn’t any person, any feeling in the world that could take the place of what they already had. Ryan shook his head slightly and went to sit up, again at the exact same time as a still moaning Sam. This time instead of conking foreheads, their faces ended up centimeters away from each other, laughter slowly fading. Ryan’s heart started pounding as they both froze. He breathed in Sam’s saltwater and sunshine scent, and felt little sparkly shivers go down his back. God, he wanted him. Don’t do anything stupid! Ryan screamed in his head, while at the same time wanting desperately to close the tiny distance between them and finally, after all these years, see what Sam tasted like. Somehow, miraculously, that’s exactly what happened. Without knowing quite how they got there, Ryan’s lips were touching Sam’s, feather light and tentative. His heart started pounding in his throat. Could it be real? It was so much more than he had ever even thought possible. Sam’s mouth was soft and gentle against his, hesitant but eager. Did I really do it? Did I close the distance and kiss my best friend? Ryan really didn’t think that he had done it. He had spent so many years not acting on his feelings when he so desperately wanted to that he knew he wouldn’t have actually leaned over and kissed Sam, which could only mean that Sam…? His mind reeled at the thought, but honestly at that second he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was in the middle of his oldest and best fantasy and he wasn’t about to start asking questions. Ryan reached up with his hand, scooting closer to Sam, and threaded his fingers through the streaky blond waves. Sam’s hair felt so soft against his fingers. Soft like the lips that were shyly caressing his. Ryan shivered at the sensation, feeling a tightening in his groin. Then he finally got the nerve to do something he had wanted to do since they were kids. - 22 -

M.J. O’Shea Opening his mouth, he ran his tongue gently along the pillowy softness of Sam’s lower lip, tasting him. Then he nibbled that lip gently. Ryan felt Sam tremble, and a shot of heat shimmered through him that he could feel all the way to his toes. He tugged on Sam’s hair, trying to say without words: Open for me, let me in. I need you so bad. Sam must have felt the silent plea because he did open his lips, and Ryan sank his tongue into the wet warmth of Sam’s mouth. It felt so good he couldn’t hold back his moan.. Sam moaned too, a hot little needy sound, and lifted his hands to hold onto Ryan’s neck. Ryan could feel Sam’s tongue brush against his, uncertain but wanting to explore. He nearly lost it. After that, the kiss went wild. Ryan lay back on the pillows, dragging Sam down with him. He delved into Sam’s open mouth with his tongue, tasting, touching, loving every second. Sam was halfway laying on him shimmying his hips and trying to get closer. Ryan searched frantically for the hem of Sam’s shirt, needing more than anything to feel the warmth of his skin. When he finally found it and slipped his hand underneath, he felt Sam sigh against his lips. It drove him crazy. He pushed his hips up into Sam’s, cupping his round perfect butt, devouring his mouth, and touching every inch of skin he could get to. Sam was doing his part too, yanking on Ryan’s shirt, nibbling his lips, and pushing closer and closer. Ryan was hard and aching, more turned on than he had ever been in his life. He could feel that Sam was hard too. Shockingly, amazingly as turned on by their kiss as Ryan. I love you, baby, Ryan said with his lips, with his hands. He caressed the amazingly soft skin of Sam’s back with fingers that were suddenly a little shaky. He could feel the goosebumps that his touch caused, and Sam shuddered in his arms. God. He couldn’t believe it was real and not a dream he didn’t want to wake up from. - 23 -

Things I’ll Never Say Ryan hauled Sam against him as hard and as close as he could. The sensation of Sam’s erection rubbing against his made him groan. Sam started moving, rolling his hips and wiggling, soft moans matching Ryan’s. His body felt amazing, resilient muscles, warm skin, and strong arms holding Ryan close. It was too much. Between the kisses and the sexy grinding dance, Ryan started to feel his orgasm, sudden and trembling through his body. He tried to hold it back. He’d be mortified if it wasn’t something Sam wanted. It was impossible. He came in waves, shaking and trying not to shout. His hands bit into Sam’s skin. Just moments later he felt Sam trembling too, frozen in motion with a look of blind pleasure on his face. It was the most amazing thing Ryan had ever seen. For long minutes, they held each other tightly, shaking and overwhelmed. They finally broke apart, panting like they had ridden the wave of a lifetime. Ryan lay back on his pillow, and tenderly cupped Sam’s head with his hand, caressing the soft hair that tickled his fingers. He could feel Sam’s hand on his abdomen just under the hem of his shirt. Ryan held back a moan when Sam started tracing little patterns on his skin with soft fingertips. He was happier than he could ever remember being but at the same time he was completely terrified. What now? His senses were on overload, his heart full to bursting. Did Sam mean that? Is it ever going to happen again? Please let this be real… He felt the need to say something, and so he said the first thing that popped into his brain. “What the hell was that?” Ryan was still breathing hard and grinning, but he realized as soon as he spoke, that it hadn’t come out like he’d meant it to. His voice was rough with the lust raging through his veins. Somehow it made the question sound harsh, not anything like the awe he was feeling. He had been marveling over the amazing-ness of the past few minutes but to an

- 24 -

M.J. O’Shea unsure and nervous Sam, it probably sounded like a rejection. A ‘why the fuck did you just kiss me?’ Sam’s eyes, his beautiful blue eyes, said it all. The hurt was enormous, magnified a hundred times and colored bright aqua. I ruined it! Ryan thought, wanting to kick himself within an inch of death. He could feel Sam start to get up. He panicked. “No, Sammy, I didn’t mean it like that!” he exclaimed and tried to hold on to Sam as he jumped off the bed. He ended up grabbing at empty air. Sam bolted towards his own room and slammed the door, humiliated. Ryan ran after him and tried to open the door, but found it locked. “Sammy, let me in! I’m sorry. It didn’t come out the right way!” He didn’t get a response. Ryan felt like screaming. He was so turned on he could burst, ready to cry with frustration, and panicking because he may have ruined what he had been dreaming of for years with one sentence out of his dumb mouth. “Sammy, come on. I’m your best friend. I love you! Let me in.” It was the closest Ryan had ever gotten to telling Sam how he really felt. He waited, but heard only silence from the other side of the door. He finally sank down onto the carpet ready to intercept him as soon as the door was open. **** Sam collapsed on his bed, tears streaming down his cheeks. He had just ruined the only thing in his life that meant anything to him. Sure, Ryan was out there being as nice as hell, trying to make him feel better. But Sam knew that things would always be different now. No matter how sweet Ryan tried to be everything was going to get weird and awkward.

- 25 -

Things I’ll Never Say If only he could explain why he had done it. Why the hell did he kiss Ryan? Was it because he was so afraid for him to go? Did he just want a reason to break off their friendship so it didn’t painfully fade, as it so inevitably would have? No, that wasn’t it. Even if could have honestly said the thought had never crossed his mind before (which he couldn’t because it definitely had), in that moment he’d been totally sure of what he was doing. When he leaned over and touched his lips to Ryan’s he was nervous and uncertain, but damn he wanted it. And that kiss, oh god that kiss. The tenderness of Ryan’s lips, the strong warmth of his arms, the way he ground his hips closer and closer; just the thought of it made silvery tingles race all over Sam’s skin that had him aching in ways he’d never imagined. He may have never truly let himself imagine it before, at least not consciously, but now it was all he could do. In those painful predawn hours, he ran those amazing minutes through his mind over and over. He realized that he had probably always wanted it, wanted Ryan, but had shoved the unwelcome feelings as far down into his subconscious as they could go. Hell, he wouldn’t care about being gay, if that’s what he really was, but wanting Ryan? How could he? Ryan was like family! Even still, filled with self-disgust and pain as he was, Sam couldn’t get that amazingly hot and completely awful kiss out of his mind—more than a kiss actually. It was the closest thing to sex that he’d ever had. Sam examined every second of what could possibly be the last few minutes of friendship with the best friend who he loved more than anyone else in his life. Sam had thought Ryan was kissing him back, responding. He must have been imagining it because he wanted it so much. He felt like a total asshole. Sometime after dawn Sam finally fell asleep. His head ached from crying and he was cold to the bone. Not from the air streaming through his open window but sick with the realization that - 26 -

M.J. O’Shea he had ruined everything. He decided in that moment that it was over. He didn’t want some awkward half-assed friendship where Ryan pretended he didn’t know that Sam wanted him, and Sam pretended he had never jumped on top of his best friend. He wasn’t going to do it. They had to be over that day. It was close to noon when he heard a tentative knock at his door. Sam’s heart sank when he saw the time on his alarm clock and realized that Ryan had to leave. Even if he decided their friendship was over, it still broke his heart to realize that the face he was so used to seeing every day was going to be gone any minute. “Sam, I have to go. I don’t want to leave things like this. We need to talk.” Sam didn’t say anything. He didn’t trust his voice not to break. “C’mon, please let me in. I don’t want to say goodbye from the other side of the door.” “Just go, Ryan. I don’t want any weird scenes.” Sam’s throat was sore from crying. “I’m not leaving until you let me in there. This is nuts.” Ryan sounded hurt. He couldn’t have been hurting more than Sam was. Sam could feel the tears gathering in his eyelashes. “Just fucking go, all right? I can’t do this. Go!” Sam couldn’t hide the tears from his voice. He heard Ryan, breathing on the other side of the door and the soft thud of what must have been his forehead resting on the door. “I love you, Sammy,” Ryan whispered shakily, his voice barely coming through the wood. Then Sam heard a sigh, and the quietly retreating footsteps of his used-to-be best friend leaving his life forever. **** Sam felt like dying after Ryan left. He didn’t see a point in getting out of bed. The first few days, Ryan had called about every ten minutes trying to get through but Sam had ignored the calls. He was in too much pain to even think of talking. He just curled on his bed halfway - 27 -

Things I’ll Never Say sleeping, trying to think of anything but Ryan. Too bad he was the only thing Sam could think of, especially since every time his phone rang Ryan’s name was on the caller i.d. He doubted that Ryan was going to let their friendship go easily. Sam didn’t want to let it go himself. But he couldn’t imagine how they could survive what had happened that last night. Especially since the aftermath for him had been a floodgate of feelings all focused on Ryan. As much as he hated feeling them, they were there: admiration, attraction, lust…love. Sam knew he had been pushing the emotions away for years, not wanting to admit to any of it. Unfortunately, he didn’t think his feelings for Ryan were going to go away now that they had surfaced. Eventually the calls stopped. Ryan must have finally given up hope that Sam would ever answer. He realized he had gotten exactly what he’d wanted. Their friendship was ending just as he predicted on that awful morning when he told Ryan to go. He couldn’t feel worse. Even the applications to the culinary schools, which had seemed promising only weeks before, didn’t appeal to him. They sat, incomplete, on his desk waiting for him to decide to be alive once again. Sam wasn’t sure if that was ever going to happen. It was nearly two weeks before Sam realized how much of a ghost he had become. He hadn’t surfed, hadn’t cooked anything. He’d survived on cereal and soda, barely leaving his room except to go to the kitchen. He had never been able to imagine before what it felt like to have a broken heart. He knew now, even though he blamed himself. By kissing Ryan then pushing him away, Sam had essentially broken his own damn heart. He hated it all the same. He guessed the first weeks alone would’ve sucked even if well...that hadn’t happened, even if they could still have been long distance friends. He’d be missing Ryan just as much, but at least there would be phone calls and e-mails, little details about each other’s new lives that would keep him going halfway. The total lack of contact made him feel like he couldn’t breathe.

- 28 -

M.J. O’Shea Finally after close to three weeks, Sam reluctantly trudged over to the somewhat dusty pile of applications, knowing that he had to do something before he turned into some Malibu version of Mrs. Havisham, locked away in his house and going slowly insane. He figured he might as well move on with his life even though he didn’t feel like doing anything. Classes were starting in a few days but there were bound to be a few spots available. Sam filled out the applications carefully, knowing they were his lifeline—his chance at a new start. **** Ryan hadn’t slept well in weeks. He didn’t taste a bite of the food he ate and he felt like crying at the weirdest times—like always. If college was supposed to be the best time of a person’s life, he’d like if someone would tell him why he was so damn miserable. Okay…truth? He didn’t need anyone to tell him what was making his life hell. It was obvious. Sam. Every day spent away from him hurt more than the one before it. It was like having little tiny strips of his skin pulled off one at a time but instead of going into shock and becoming numb it only got more and more painful. **** He had arrived at the University of Washington on a rainy Monday, the start of freshman orientation. The long frantic drive north, punctuated with hundreds of ignored phone calls to Sam, had him sad, tired, and utterly frustrated. He wanted nothing more than to dump off his stuff, turn around, and drive back to California. When he got home he would take Sam in his arms and tell him that what they’d shared that night was the best thing that had ever happened in his whole life, that he loved him so much it hurt, that he should have never walked away and never would again if he just got one more chance.

- 29 -

Things I’ll Never Say Ryan actually considered ditching the first few days of class to do just that. If he hadn’t been afraid of losing his scholarship, he wouldn’t have even thought twice. Instead, Ryan decided to give Sam a few days, maybe weeks (or as long as he could stand it), then continue on his mission to get their friendship back. When Ryan had gotten to his dorm room that first day, he’d found the other half already occupied. His mystery roommate had covered half of the room with a mind-boggling array of band posters from Weezer and Blink 182 to Muse and Nine Inch Nails. His bed was covered in piles of books, and his closet was already full to bursting. Ryan sat his boxes and bags down on his empty bed and just stared dazedly at the psychedelic collage across from him. He barely heard the door creak open. A very full laundry basket came teetering in the door before landing nearly on Ryan’s feet. “Hey, dude. Kevin.” His new roommate, who now had a face to go with the décor, stuck out a hand. Ryan shook it. He half admired Kevin’s arm full of tattoos. They must have hurt. “I’m Ryan.” It was the perfect male introduction, short and to the point. They gave each other a friendly nod. “Where ya from?” Kevin was grinning openly. Ryan couldn’t help but to smile back. At least the guy didn’t seem like he was going to be an asshole. Not Sam, but not an asshole. “L.A.” “You surf?” Kevin was eyeing the miniature surfboard that was sticking out of a box. Ryan had been planning on putting it up on the wall. “Yeah, not much of that here though.” Kevin laughed. “No, not much. I surf, too. My grandma has a place in Kona.” “That’s sweet. I’ve always wanted to surf Hawaii.” - 30 -

M.J. O’Shea Ryan could tell they were going to be just fine. At least for a while. He wasn’t planning on keeping the gay thing a secret. He had done that for long enough, and being himself was the whole point of leaving home in the first place. He hoped the so far cool Kevin could handle it. **** Classes started and things got busy. Ryan spent a lot of time in those first crisp weeks of fall getting to know Kevin and all of his friends from high school. He decided that it was good he’d happened to get a local guy as a roommate so he had a ready made group of friends. They took him downtown, showed him all the locals’ hangouts. Ryan felt totally welcomed by Kevin’s punk buddies. He supposed they were the northwest’s version of surfers—cool guys who were nice to everybody. He was grateful for their inclusion, grateful to be kept so busy with classes and social activities. It really was too bad that it wasn’t enough. When he was at a party, in class, playing Guitar Hero with Kevin, there was always a part of him thinking about Sam. He was constantly agonizing over their last night together, missing his voice, the way he smelled like sunshine, how he laughed at all of Ryan’s jokes. Most of all he dreamed of the amazing feel of Sam’s body, warm and sprawled on top of him. He fell asleep every single damn night wishing that he could hold Sam just one more time. It was getting worse. That first pain of having one little strip of skin missing had turned into a raw burning agony that wouldn’t subside. His original plan had been to seek out a few gay organizations on campus, maybe meet a guy. He couldn’t even think of it, hadn’t even considered looking at other guys. All he could think about was Sam. It didn’t take very long for Kevin to notice something was wrong. **** Ryan came back late from the library one night, where he had been studying for a chemistry test that was sure to kick his ass. He was tired and feeling more than a little dejected. It had been - 31 -

Things I’ll Never Say six long weeks, six interminable, horrible weeks of living without his best friend. Ryan was just about at the end of his patience. He had to contact Sam soon. If he could just hear his voice, read an e-mail that he wrote…anything. The whole thing was stupid and it hurt like hell. It needed to end. He tiredly pulled his key out and unlocked the door to the room. Dropping his backpack on the floor, he blindly flopped on his bed and started at the ceiling. “All right. Spill it already.” Ryan nearly jumped out of his skin. He hadn’t seen Kevin sitting on his bed. Who the hell sits alone in the dark, anyway? “What are you talking about, dude?” he answered. He knew what Kevin was talking about. They were so not getting into it. “I know you’re trying to act like you’re having a good time, but you’re not. There’s something…I don’t know, like, sad about you. What did you leave at home?” Damn. Kevin was pretty perceptive. “There’s something you don’t know about me. I don’t want anything to be weird between us.” He had a hard time spitting the words out. Ryan realized this was going to be the first time he’d told anyone other than his family and that had been hard enough. Kevin looked at him quizzically. “What? Are you an alien? Vampire? Apparently vampires do pretty well in these parts.” Ryan chuckled tiredly. “Not an alien. Or a vampire. Not a werewolf either in case you were going to ask.” “Then what?” “Promise not to freak out?” “Yeah. Not going to freak out. What?” - 32 -

M.J. O’Shea Ryan took a deep breath. “I’m gay.” He held the big breath in his lungs, afraid to let it out. “I have six freckles on my butt,” Kevin answered sarcastically. Ryan burst out laughing. “Seriously, who cares, dude?” Kevin continued. “It’s so not a big deal. Jesse and Rob are both bi. No one’s going to give a shit. Just please warn me if you’re planning on riding the wild baloney pony in the room. Not something I’d want to walk in on.” Ryan laughed again. It was a relief to have finally said it out loud. That couldn’t have gone better. When the laughter died down, Kevin was still studying him intently. “That’s not the whole thing is it?” “No.” Ryan really wasn’t sure if he wanted to tell anyone up here about Sam; it would be the final nail in his ‘I’m never getting over him’ coffin. Turned out Kevin made that choice for him. “There’s a guy at home isn’t there?” There he goes with that perceptive stuff again. “Yeah,” Ryan admitted. It actually felt good. It didn’t matter if he talked about him or not. He wasn’t ever going to get over Sam. What he was going to do, what he had to do, was get him back. He just didn’t know how. “Tell me. Maybe it’ll help.” Ryan did tell Kevin all about Sam. About their years of friendship and that last confusingly beautiful and horrible night. Obviously he left out details like how much he wanted Sam. How often he still dreamed of them all wrapped up in each other’s skin, bodies connected and slick with sweat. He did tell Kevin most of it, though. It helped to talk about it finally, to not keep the hurt all bottled up. They stayed up and talked for hours, about what Ryan should do with Sam, about Kevin and his weird high school girlfriend who had followed him to the university. It was a good night for both of them. By the morning, Ryan knew he had a real friend. He also had - 33 -

Things I’ll Never Say decided that he had given Sam enough time to breathe. It was time to get his best friend back…and hopefully a whole lot more. He lay in bed that night wishing Sam was near, but instead of the usual pain, he felt hope. Hope that Sam would see the message he’d just sent and respond, that he missed Ryan so much that he couldn’t breathe a full breath. Hope that Sam wanted him, too. He needed Sam to feel that way, needed him to respond. Ryan hadn’t been able to breathe in weeks. **** Sam trudged into his house, dropping his keys on the counter tiredly. He smelled like garlic and onions and thought if he never saw a knife again it would be a blessing. He supposed he should be grateful to school, the one thing that was keeping him from flying apart at the seams, but at that moment it seemed like a total pain in the ass. They had just had their first practical exam, covering such exciting topics as knife technique and garnishes. Things that were usually easy seemed awkward and wrong when someone with a clipboard was breathing down his neck. Sam had ended up passing with flying colors but he was exhausted. After a long shower spent scrubbing the ever-present smells of vegetables off of his skin, Sam pulled on pajamas and headed to his room. He thought he’d play a few games of chess online then hit the sack. They were starting pastries in the morning, and he wanted to be rested. When he turned on his computer, he saw the icon for his e-mail box blinking, showing a new message. Thinking it was probably someone from class wanting to set up a practice session or something, he absentmindedly opened the box. When he saw RTaggert attached to a University of Washington e-mail address his heart dropped to his toes. Ryan? It had been a month and a half and it hadn’t gotten easier. Sam still missed him exactly as much as he had on that first day when he couldn’t even peel himself off of his mattress. He’d - 34 -

M.J. O’Shea barely survived those first horrible days of blackness when he could barely move followed by long weeks of trying to be alive but spending most of his time daydreaming about Ryan’s touch. He’d had countless near misses, almost cutting his fingers off in class when the memory of Ryan’s tongue slipping into his mouth sent a jolt of heat shocking through him. Just the echo of that first kiss was enough to make Sam moan in his throat. It caught him when he least expected it. Sam thought that Ryan had given up on them weeks ago and still it hurt every day. What on earth could Ryan possibly have to say? That he was coming home? That he hated Seattle? That he hated Sam and never wanted to see him again? Sam tried to tell himself to chill. It was just an e-mail and there was only one way to find out what it said. He clicked open the message with suddenly shaky hands. Sammy, I waited as long as I could, to give you space or whatever it was you needed. I can’t stand it any longer. I hate this. I want to be your friend again. No. Screw that. I need to be your friend again. I don’t know how not to be. I came up here to finally be my own guy, but it turns out that being with you is what I do best. More than anything I want us back. That might sound dumb, but it’s true. Everything sucks without you. Please write back to me. Please… I miss you (a lot), —Ryan

A momentary debate raged in Sam’s head. He had felt like such a noble martyr all those weeks ago, cutting off their friendship to save them from the weird descent into acquaintancehood. He’d meant it too. He really thought that he and Ryan should be over if things were going to get weird. Problem was, he understood what Ryan was saying. Understood it all the way to his bones. He had hated it too. Like some vital organ of his was missing and he needed to get it back. The decision was already made. He hit reply. - 35 -

Things I’ll Never Say Ryan, I miss you, too. A lot. Everything sucks without you too, just like I thought it would. Maybe worse. I didn’t want things to get weird between us so I thought it would be best just to let our friendship go, but I can’t. You’re right. It hurts too much. Maybe being with you is what I do best, too. How ‘bout we just pretend that night never happened? Go back to the way things were and not let it get awkward? I need my best friend back. It’s been hard not having him around. Talk to you soon, —Sam P.S. I got into school and it’s both harder and easier than I thought it would be. I’ll tell you about it sometime.

Sam pushed send and smiled his first real smile in a long, long time. **** The next day at class he was almost jubilant. He felt like his feet were barely touching the ground, instead of sinking into it like mud as they had been for such a long, long time. His classmates noticed that something was different about him. They asked if he had done something with his hair, started working out…They couldn’t put their fingers on it. He didn’t know how to explain that he finally felt like he could breathe again. So what if he still woke up at night, hard, aching, and sweaty, dreaming of Ryan’s body buried inside of his? So what if that was never going to happen? He had his best friend back. He had been dumb to think he could just decide to live without him. Sam couldn’t wait to get home that night to see if Ryan had written him back. It felt good to have something to look forward to again. He smiled and joked with the other students in his class, laughing more in one day than he had in all the previous weeks combined. He could feel the others opening up to him. Everything was so different.

- 36 -

M.J. O’Shea It was hard not to speed on the way home, nearly impossible to walk up the stairs instead of sprinting. Sam ignored Rosaria’s shout about getting his laundry pile ready for her. He had a mission! As soon as he woke his computer up, he saw the e-mail icon flashing. Sam’s heart pounded for a second, excited. Jesus! It was just an e-mail. At least that’s what he tried to tell himself. He forced himself to calm down, to slowly click the e-mail open. As soon as he saw the greeting, he grinned. Hi Sammy! You have no idea how good it was to hear from you. I’ve felt like half of me was missing for so long. Let’s not do that again, okay? Don’t know why I’ve been calling you Sammy lately. Guess I just miss you and it reminds me of when we were kids and always together. I’m so happy for you that you got into culinary school. Tell me everything! I think you’d like Seattle. Especially the marketplace with the flying fish. There’s stall after stall of bright fruits and vegetables. I can see you having a total blast picking through them. It’s cold here and the beaches are rocky but there’s a ton of stuff to do. You’d like my roommate Kevin. He’s cool and he surfs. He’s not you of course, but he’s still cool. I feel like I could write pages. It’s been such a long time and we used to know every little detail about each other’s days. I know I said it already but it feels so good to finally get to talk to you again…well sort of talk I guess. It’ll have to be good enough for now. Tell me about what you’re cooking in class so I can drool over it while I eat sucky dorm food. I’ll write again tomorrow. Still miss you, —Ryan

Sam couldn’t help the little dance his heart did when he read Ryan’s e-mail. He read over it a few times, always pausing at the first few sentences. He knew exactly how Ryan felt. That feeling that part of him was missing. He’d had it, too. Now the missing part was back. Maybe not totally, because it was still stuck hundreds of miles away, but at least there wasn’t a black gaping hole where it used to be.

- 37 -

Things I’ll Never Say He wrote Ryan back, giving him a joking description of the weird Belgian chef that his group had for a pastries teacher and of course a detailed description of the different flavors of croissants they had made that day. He knew Ryan was a total carbaholic and the whole croissant thing would kill him. He smiled to himself remembering the blissful look Ryan got on his face whenever he ate good bread or dessert. Maybe if they made something mail-able soon he would send it to him. **** Sam attacked tricky croissants, scones, and cakes with gusto. Everything they were learning in class was fun now, instead of a chore. He spent each day smiling, laughing, and making friends in his cooking groups. Everyone had probably assumed he had just been shy and hard to get to know. Nobody could possibly know that he’d felt like the walking dead for what seemed like forever and he was finally coming back to life. Every night he came home to a new e-mail from Ryan. Sometimes two if Ryan thought of something later he wanted to tell him. The e-mails were always light, filled with stories of Seattle and all of the people that Ryan wanted him to meet. He said they wanted to meet him, too. That he had told his new group about Sam and they were totally interested in Ryan’s best friend who was going to be a famous chef. The chef remark made Sam blush, but he did continue to send descriptions of all the sinful desserts and tender breads they were producing in class. Ryan would write back saying he was in fact drooling and it wasn’t fair of Sam to tease him when he had nothing to look forward to but a suspicious tuna casserole or baked potatoes that were harder than hockey pucks. Ryan always ended the e-mails by saying that he missed Sam a lot, and Sam always told him that he missed him, too. It wasn’t quite the same as things used to be, but that was only expected. At least they weren’t drifting apart any more. - 38 -

M.J. O’Shea **** In the third week of pastries, the class finally made something that could be mailed. They were these amazing coconut chocolate dessert bars with toffee chips that even Sam had to admit were fantastic. He wasn’t much of a dessert person but Ryan was. He had written the night before complaining that early November in Seattle was miserable and he would give anything for a piece of home. Sam wanted more than anything to send himself (preferably naked with a big satin ribbon), but he figured the cookie bars would have to do. He took the entire pan that he had made home and cut it into perfect squares which he wrapped carefully in foil and plastic bags. Then with a grin he ran them over to the Fed-Ex store and had them overnighted to Ryan’s dorm. He laughed at himself a little for being so excited to make Ryan smile. Sam guessed that no matter how much he tried to push the emotions back down into himself, he had to admit he was in love; heart pounding, lust filled, would-do-anything-to-make-Ryan-happy love. He had been right all those weeks ago. Now that the emotions had surfaced, they weren’t going away. Sam shrugged, accepting it. He loved Ryan. He was in love with Ryan. Saying it, even just to himself made Sam feel giddy and more than a little bit scared. He didn’t know what to do with such an overwhelming emotion. One thing for sure was he knew he’d do anything for Ryan, including ignoring his feelings. He sighed. Well, at least I can send him cookies. Sam smiled wistfully. **** Ryan trudged into the dorm late again that night. It had been dark for hours, and he was soaked to the bone from walking all the way across campus. He figured he was going to have to invest in some decent rain gear if he was planning to make it through the rest of the quarter

- 39 -

Things I’ll Never Say without dying of pneumonia. He was regretting his decision to take chemistry, missing the sun and the beach and feeling down in the dumps. He checked his mailbox in the main hallway, which often held letters and little packages from one of his sisters or his mother. Instead, there was a pink slip that said he had an oversized package waiting at the front desk. Handing the slip to the desk attendant, he peered behind the counter, wondering what on earth had been sent to him. Hopefully it was a rain jacket! The package was a little heavy, and he could swear it smelled like chocolate. When he checked the return address, Ryan’s heart jumped happily in his chest. Sam! What the hell had Sam sent him? Up in his room, he opened his computer, hoping for an email that may explain the mystery package. Nothing. Hmm. Ryan started tearing off the tape, one layer at a time. When he got to the inside there was a note scrawled in Sam’s loopy handwriting. Thought I’d send you a little piece of home. Hope you like them. —Sam

The chocolate smell was overwhelming. Ryan’s mouth started to water. He unzipped a plastic bag and unwrapped one of the bars inside. The first bite was heaven, sweet from the chocolate and toffee, with hints of spices and the warm coconut taste of the Tropics. Ryan devoured three or four of them then flopped back on his bed wallowing in food bliss. Sam, he thought.

- 40 -

M.J. O’Shea His heart was smiling but achy. Knowing that Sam had gone to so much trouble to make him happy was enough. It really was. Really. But Ryan couldn’t talk himself out of wanting more. Wanting to hear Sam’s voice all sexy and scratchy in the morning, see those amazing turquoise eyes, smell his skin, warm like the beach on a summer’s day. He needed Sam, needed to have him in his arms again, feel his soft as silk lips, taste him. Just thinking about it made Ryan start to get hard. He knew that Sam had wanted it too that night. He remembered Sam wiggling closer, trying to melt into his skin…trembling when he came. Ryan nearly moaned out loud. He hadn’t brought it up, since Sam seemed to be the most comfortable with things going back to the way they were. But he still thought about that night every single day. He decided in that moment that the cookies deserved a real thank-you, not just an e-mail. He knew he was rationalizing. He mostly just needed to hear Sam’s voice. They were okay again, right? It was time. Ryan got out his phone and pulled Sam’s number up. His hands were shaky and he felt himself start sweating. He couldn’t believe how nervous he was. It was Sam for shit’s sake! He pressed ‘call’, and waited hoping that Sam had his phone on him. He picked up on the second ring. “Ryan?” He sounded surprised and happy. Ryan had to suppress a shudder at the sound of Sam’s warm whiskey voice. He had missed it so much! “Yeah, it’s me. Thanks for the cookies. You have no idea how much I needed them.” He couldn’t keep the grin out of his voice. Sam laughed. “All that horrible dorm food. I was feeling sorry for you. If I could send a good salad, I would.” - 41 -

Things I’ll Never Say Ryan felt his heart melt. God I love him. “Still taking care of me? I love it.” He was so tired he almost said ‘I love you’ but managed to choke it back at the last second. “Yeah, I guess I am still taking care of you. Old habits, huh?” He could hear the smile in Sam’s voice too. “It’s really, really nice to hear you talk again. I thought I was starting to forget your voice, but the second I heard it I remembered.” “Me, too. I’ve missed talking to you.” It didn’t escape Ryan’s notice that their conversation didn’t sound very platonic. If he thought back, their conversations hadn’t been platonic for a long time. He wondered if Sam even realized how much they had been flirting with each other all along. He’d never let himself notice before but the vibe had been there for years. Ryan grinned. He was going to have Sam in his arms again, no matter how much Sam tried to pretend things were back to the way they’d been. He couldn’t wait. **** They stayed on the phone for a long time that night, Sam doing funny impressions of his offthe-wall pastries teacher and Ryan playing little clips of songs he had found in Kevin’s huge music library that he thought Sam might like. Even if they weren’t saying anything important it was still the best Ryan had felt in a long time. Every time Sam laughed it echoed way down in Ryan’s belly, that tight giddy feeling that was so good it almost hurt. He remembered thinking a few months before that loving Sam like he did was going to kill him. He chuckled silently to himself. It wasn’t such a bad way to go… Eventually it was so late that they were both yawning into their phones. They decided to say goodnight, and promised to e-mail the next day since they had used most of Ryan’s minutes - 42 -

M.J. O’Shea already. By the time Ryan hung up the phone, he was so high from pure happiness that he couldn’t do anything but lay on his bed and smile. Weeks ago he had put little glow-in-the-dark star stickers all over the walls and ceiling of the dorm room. They even spilled over into Kevin’s side, interspersed among his rock posters. Ryan laid in the middle of his little man-made galaxy and floated. It felt kind of like laying out on Sam’s deck, on those amazingly soft chairs, like they had in the summers when they were young. He was so zoned out and happy that he didn’t even register the sound of the door unlocking until Kevin came in, turned the light on, took one look at Ryan and burst into laughter. “Dude, you’ve got it bad. I have never seen that look on your face!” He continued to chuckle as he dropped his backpack onto his bed. Ryan smiled sheepishly. “Here, try one of these. You might fall in love, too.” He held out one of the bags of cookie bars. Kevin took one, unwrapped it and bit in. He fell back onto his bed making orgasmic moaning sounds. Ryan couldn’t help laughing. “You’re right. I’m in love. I’m going down to Cali to steal this guy away from you.” Ryan tossed a pillow at Kevin’s face. “Back off!” he joked. Kevin threw the pillow back nearly bowling Ryan over. “Maybe. If you give me another one.” Ryan was happy to share the cookies with Kevin. They sat there, eating themselves into a sugar coma until every last cookie was gone. “Wow,” Ryan finally said. He felt slightly sick, but it had been so worth it. “Yeah. Wow,” Kevin echoed, a satisfied smile on his face. “Tell your man ‘thank you’ from me.” Ryan smiled a little wistfully. “He’s not my man,” he sighed. - 43 -

Things I’ll Never Say Kevin chuckled. “He may not know it yet, but he totally is. Let’s just say I’m not sending care packages of cookies to any of my friends that went to UCLA.” UCLA. The answer was obvious. They had accepted him last spring, right? He hoped they would still take him as a transfer. It took Ryan about ten seconds to make up his mind. Maybe not even that. Sometime in the middle of their marathon phone conversation he had realized he didn’t want to spend even another second away from Sam if he didn’t have to. He wanted to go home. “Hey, Kev?” “Yeah.” “Just wanted to let you know. I’m going to try to get back into UCLA next quarter. I need to go home.” Kevin chuckled. “I’ve been waiting for you to say that.” “You’ll come visit?” Ryan really had liked getting to know Kevin. He’d like it if they stayed friends. “Doesn’t Sam live right on the beach? Of course I’m coming to visit!” They both laughed again. Ryan suddenly felt buoyant, excited. He decided to call the UCLA admissions office in the morning to see what he could do. “Hey, Ryan?” “Yeah?” “I expect you to have him back by the time I get there for Spring Break.” Ryan threw his pillow at Kevin’s head again. “Shut up,” he laughed. But he hoped it would be a lot sooner than that. ****

- 44 -

M.J. O’Shea Sam was kind of drunk. His senses swam woozily, and everything seemed a little too bright. The streetlights flashed by like strobes, and the road itself seemed to weave in the night. He was glad that he had decided to take a taxi to the dinner party, something he rarely did. A group of people from class had decided to go out to dinner to celebrate the end of fall quarter and the upcoming break for the Christmas holidays. They still had a few more days of classes left to finish out the week, but that pre-holiday feeling had definitely kicked in. The night had lasted quite a bit longer than expected, and more than a few bottles of wine had been shared. Sam was exhausted. He was glad that in just a few days he would have two full weeks to sleep in, only cook what he wanted, and spend as much time with Ryan as he possibly could. Ryan. He was coming home! He knew Ryan’s last final was in the morning, then he was going to start the almost two-day drive back home. He had a month off from classes. Sam couldn’t wait to see him, even if it was temporary. He stumbled out of his taxi, and gave the driver a huge tip. He felt around in his school bag for his keys, which he usually kept in the pocket by his phone. When Sam pulled his keys out, he felt his phone vibrate. He opened it quickly before it was too late. “Hello?” He hoped his voice didn’t sound slurry. “Hey, Sammy.” Ryan sounded tired, and just plain run over. The sound of his voice made Sam’s heart catch in his throat. He loved him so much. After that first phone call back in November, they had started calling each other at least once a week. The sound of his voice was just about the best thing Sam could imagine hearing. “How were your finals today?” Ryan chuckled under his breath. “They sucked. I’m so glad to be done with that damn chemistry class.” - 45 -

Things I’ll Never Say Sam laughed sympathetically, knowing that class was Ryan’s version of a never-ending nightmare. “I bet,” he answered. There were so many more things Sam wanted to say right then (Get on the first plane home. I need you in my bed tonight.) He decided that it was best to keep his mouth shut. It took him a second to realize Ryan was asking a question. “Did you decide on a recipe for your pastries final?” What? Oh, yeah. School. Recipe. Quit picturing Ryan sprawled out naked on your comforter! “Yeah, I took your advice and went with the mini hot chocolate cinnamon cakes.” Ryan groaned and Sam could’ve sworn he felt it all the way to his toenails. “Those sound so freaking amazing. I’m jealous of the instructors who get to taste them.” “You’ll get to taste them too, silly.” I’ll let you lick the frosting off my nipples. He lost his breath for a second but covered it up quickly. “I’m making them on Friday. That’s the day you’re getting home.” It took Sam a while to get over the image that had flashed in his head of Ryan’s tongue licking sweet frosting from his body. He had thoughts like that all the time but they were so much harder to keep to himself after all that wine. “I can’t wait.” “Me neither,” Sam agreed. They still sent e-mails that got longer and longer each day. In the past few e-mails they had started planning what they would do together over the holidays—surf, barbeque, stare at the stars. They had two whole weeks to do whatever they wanted. All Sam really wanted to do was hold Ryan in his arms.

- 46 -

M.J. O’Shea Okay, that wasn’t true. He did want to hold Ryan, and cook for him, and take care of him. But he also wanted to kiss him, taste every inch of his skin, make love to him for hours, and wake up wrapped around him in the morning sun. The idea made Sam’s blood boil, but it scared him a little bit, too. Sam had no idea what he was doing in bed. He had never gone very far with any of the girls he had dated. It just hadn’t felt right. This did. He wanted to experience it all with Ryan. Maybe it was the alcohol, or his love, but at that moment he needed it more than anything else. He needed Ryan’s body loving him, needed his touch, the taste of his mouth. “I’m really excited to see you, Sammy,” Ryan said quietly. The sincerity in his voice made Sam’s stomach quake just a little. “I am, too. I mean, it’s been nice to talk on the phone, but it’s not the same, is it?” “No, it’s not the same.” He was quiet for a little while. “Hey, I gotta go to sleep but I’ll call you when I’m leaving for home tomorrow. I mostly packed and I think my final will be over by ten. I want to get out of Seattle before the traffic starts.” “Okay. I don’t leave for class till noon so I’ll have my phone on.” “Night, Sammy.” “Night, Ry.” Sam hung up the phone feeling happy and frustrated and everything that went with being desperately in love with someone he couldn’t have…or could he? It was just so damn hard to tell! Sometimes he thought that maybe Ryan was flirting, being suggestive, and sometimes it seemed like they were brothers just like they’d been when they were kids. Sam’s brain swum drunkenly. He wished he knew. Maybe it was time to find out. He’d promised Ryan that he would never bring that night up again, he said that things would be the way they’d always been, but he wasn’t sure if he could - 47 -

Things I’ll Never Say keep that promise. Sam turned on his computer, feeling wildly intoxicated, totally in love, and a little out of control. He was going to do it, he decided. Tell Ryan how he felt. Right then. Before he lost his nerve. Sam noticed there was an e-mail from Ryan when he opened his box. Sammy, Finals sucked. I’ll try to call you later, but in case you’re still at your class dinner I wanted you to know what the plan is. I should be outta here by about ten thirty tomorrow and I’ll call you once I’m on the road. I can’t wait to get home! Get my board ready for me :) This is gotta to be short cause I have to study, but I’ll talk to you soon. Love you, —Ryan

A few weeks before, Ryan had started signing his e-mails with ‘love you.’ The first time it had made Sam’s pulse jump crazily. He had talked himself into thinking it was a friendly ‘love you’ instead of what he really wanted. Well, he guessed he would finally find out what Ryan meant. At least he would when Ryan saw the e-mail he was about to write. Sam’s heart pounded as he started typing. It was awkward at first, writing all the things he’d only ever thought to himself, but after a few sentences it started to feel good. Amazing, actually. When he was done, Sam read over what he’d written. Ryan, Wow. This is hard. I wasn’t going to say anything, I promise I wasn’t, but I can’t stand it anymore. I feel like I’m going nuts. I miss you like hell. The e-mails and the calls are great but they’re not enough. Not even close. I need so much more. I haven’t been able to get that last night out of my head. You know the one I wasn’t going to bring up again? Yeah that. I’m sorry. I know I told you we could just go back to the way things were, but I can’t. It’s never going to be platonic like that for me again. I’ve tried to push my feelings back down but everything is so different now. I think about you all the - 48 -

M.J. O’Shea time. I fall asleep at night dreaming of the way you kissed me, what it felt like when you touched me. I want that again with you. I want everything. I need you. I want you…I love you. Come home to me. —Sam

He nodded to himself and pushed the send button quickly before he could lose his nerve. Even as loose as his brain still was, he knew he had just crossed a major line. If Ryan wanted him too, then everything was great. If not, then he had just screwed it all up again. It was good that he was drunk enough not to completely freak out. Sam prayed to whatever god was out there in the stars that Ryan loved him too then he flopped down on his bed and fell asleep, fully dressed, the room spinning dizzily around him. **** Sam woke to the horrifyingly loud beeping of his alarm. The clock said ten fifteen. Thank god there hadn’t been a morning class that day or else he would have been in serious trouble. His head pounded and the still open curtains were leaving in an obscene amount of sunlight. Sam groaned and turned over, wondering for a second why he was still wearing his jeans and sweater. Then he remembered. The party, coming home drunk, talking to Ryan…Oh god. The e-mail. Was he insane? What had he done? He barely remembered what he had written, only the general idea. That was bad enough. Sam turned on his computer, cringing, to re-read the e-mail that it was way too late to unsend and see what damage he had done. He could only hope that Ryan wouldn’t have a chance to check his computer before leaving for home. Too late. Sam saw he had a new e-mail from Ryan as soon as he opened the box. It had been sent only twenty minutes before. His heart started crashing in his chest. He almost didn’t want

- 49 -

Things I’ll Never Say to open it, but he had to know what it said. Was it all over? Palms sweating, he clicked the e-mail open. What he read made his heart sing. Hi Sammy, I’m coming home to you, baby! Leaving right now. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear those words. I love you too. So much. I want you and need you and everything that goes with it too. That amazing night was the best thing that ever happened to me and I’ve been wishing for months that I could take back what I said so I could have you in my arms again. God, Sammy, I’ve fallen asleep dreaming of you for years, wishing I could hold you and love you. I’m so happy!! Anyway, I’m gonna go so I can get the hell out of here and come home. Oh yeah, I dropped my damn phone in a puddle this morning, and of course it’s broken, so if you tried to call, it didn’t work. (I’m such an idiot!) It’ll suck not to talk to you but I’ll drive fast and see you as soon as I can. I can’t wait to hold you. I love you… —Ryan

Sam was laughing, had tears in his eyes, and wanted to jump up and down like a little kid. It was nearly impossible to wrangle himself into the shower and get ready for class. He didn’t know how he was going to stand waiting for as long as it would take Ryan to get home. He wanted to see him immediately! He supposed he had no choice but to wait. It was going to be the longest two days of his life. **** Sam drove home from his final day of class the next afternoon, his body quaking with excitement. The heady sugary scent of the little cinnamon hot chocolate cakes that were balanced in the back seat filled the entire cab of the Jeep. It was only about two, but Sam felt like he had been up for days. He supposed he had. There had been no such thing as sleep the night before. Excited, nervous, barely able to keep it all in, he had stared at his ceiling and felt his body - 50 -

M.J. O’Shea hum with currents of pure joy. It didn’t even feel like it could be real. Ryan loved him, wanted to be with him. He was going to be home soon! In just a few hours (as long as they may seem) he would have Ryan in his arms. Just the idea made Sam so happy he did a little dance in his seat. He couldn’t quell the feeling that he was about to laugh at any second. He guessed that he finally knew what falling in love felt like. Sam expected Ryan to get into L.A. around eight or nine, depending on how many times he had pulled over for a break and how awful traffic was. He knew it was selfish, but he hoped Ryan would come straight to him instead of stopping first to see his mother and his sisters. Sam had no idea how the night would go, not a clue what to expect. He was nervous, hoping that it wouldn’t be awkward, hoping that Ryan had really meant what he had said, excited that he was going to feel Ryan’s touch, and finally be able to touch him, too. Sam had gone over the scene a million times in his head, what they would say, how his love would look when he finally got to see him. He supposed it didn’t do any good to try to predict the night’s outcome. He would just have to wait and see. It was going to be torture. The best kind of torture, but torture all the same. Like he imagined kids with normal families felt waiting for their presents on Christmas morning. Sam grinned. Ryan was his Christmas gift. He couldn’t ask for anything better. As he drove, Sam imagined the kiss he would give Ryan when he finally saw him. He had done it a million times. The kisses just kept getting better in his head. He dreamed of the way it would feel to have Ryan’s lips against his, his teeth nibbling gently, those magic hands creating little explosions of sensation all over the skin of his back. Sam shuddered and nearly drove right through a four way stop. He laughed at himself, grateful that he hadn’t just plowed across an entire intersection, but he was too happy and distracted to worry that much about it. **** - 51 -

Things I’ll Never Say Turning into the long snaky drive to his house, Sam ran through a list in his head of all the things he wanted to do before Ryan got there: make dinner, clean the sheets, light candles. The night before he had gone to the drug store and bought everything he thought they would need to be together…condoms, lube, candles, massage oil. He had taken everything to the counter with a bright red face, hoping he didn’t run into any of his mother’s friends. He felt like he was announcing to the whole store: ‘I’m going to have sex…with a guy!’ The cashier had been a girl a few years older than him with a nose ring and a few very interesting tattoos. She had given him a knowing grin and rang up his purchases silently. When he’d gotten home, he had run the bag upstairs and shoved it where it was still sitting and burning a hole in the bottom drawer of his nightstand. Sam rounded the final bend in his forever-long driveway, and pulled into the courtyard of his house. It was there that he saw the most amazing, unbelievable thing possible. A ratty old Toyota, covered in mud and looking like it should have shuddered its last breath years ago. It took Sam’s shocked brain a minute or so to process. Ryan? He was there! Sam felt like shouting out in joy. He slammed his Jeep into park, grabbed the plate full of cake, and raced into the house. As soon as Sam got inside, he noticed the house was unnaturally silent. Usually when Ryan was there, there was noise of some sort. The radio, the TV, Ryan serenading Rosario at the top of his lungs with his adorable off key squawk while she protested and batted at him with a towel. There was nothing—not even the telenovelas that usually streamed out of the laundry room. Suddenly nervous, Sam put down his cake silently on the kitchen counter. He set down his keys and his messenger bag too, trying not to make any noise. Where was Ryan? - 52 -

M.J. O’Shea Sam peered out the kitchen window, looking at their deck and the deserted beach beyond. There wasn’t a soul to be seen. He tiptoed upstairs, listening for the sound of a shower or belongings being shuffled around. Finally, he cracked open the door to Ryan’s room, assuming he must be in there sleeping. Empty. What the hell? Sam trudged to his own room, bewildered and disappointed in the anticlimactic homecoming scene. He grabbed the hem of his flour covered t-shirt, pulled it over his head, and went to toss it onto his bed. In a split second Sam’s entire being melted into little happy puddles inside of his shoes. Ryan was there in Sam’s bed cuddled up to one of his pillows like he was never going to let it go. He looked thin and wan, tired all the way to his core, but he was so beautiful. He had come home to Sam, driving straight through without even stopping and was waiting in bed for his...boyfriend?…to come home. Sam thrilled at the idea that Ryan could be called his boyfriend. He hoped it was true. He would’ve imagined that word would scare him, but it just made him unbelievably happy. Sam wanted nothing more than for them to belong to each other. A huge grin spread across his face. He couldn’t wait another second to be near Ryan. Stripping all the way to his boxers, trying not to make a sound, Sam pulled back the powder blue comforter and crawled into bed behind Ryan. It felt so good he shivered, goosebumps erupting all over his skin. Sam scooted over gingerly, not wanting to wake Ryan. The first contact of his chest to Ryan’s bare warm back was a bliss he wouldn’t have even been able to imagine. Sam wrapped his arms around Ryan, snuggled up as close as possible, and with one gentle kiss to Ryan’s neck, fell into an exhausted sleep. **** - 53 -

Things I’ll Never Say Ryan woke up slowly a few hours later, still floating in that heavy halfway sleep, but more rested than he had felt in months. The fiery winter sun was setting outside, and it lit the room with an ethereal orange glow. Although his eyes were still closed, he could feel its warmth on his face. God, he had missed that feeling so much. Ryan inhaled, reveling in the familiar sun and saltwater scent that permeated everything in Sam’s room. Oddly, though, this time it was tinged with something sweet. Cinnamon and sugar? Chocolate? The unusual smell woke him up the rest of the way. He shifted slightly in the bed only to hear a sleepy protest come from behind him and feel strong, warm arms tighten around his middle. Sam! How could he have been so totally out of it that he didn’t notice Sam get into bed with him? It seemed impossible. But honestly everything that had happened in the last two days seemed impossible. Yesterday morning, when he had dragged his exhausted body back to the dorm after his last final, he had been dying to crash for an hour or so before packing up his stuff and heading home for good. UCLA had accepted his transfer application, and he had been so relieved to be going back to Sam that it was palpable. He hadn’t told Sam yet, wanting to surprise him in person with the news that he wasn’t leaving after winter break. He knew Sam would have to care. They still said in every e-mail, at the end of every call how much they missed each other. Ryan had even started writing “love you” at the end of his e-mails. He kept it casual and light but he was testing Sam, getting him used to hearing the words. Ryan turned on his laptop so he could e-mail his mother to let her know he was leaving soon, then he collapsed on his bed, glad he had decided not to pack his comforter until last.

- 54 -

M.J. O’Shea He was so bone weary that he barely heard the little dinging sound from his computer signaling that he had an unopened message. Maybe Sam was e-mailing him because he had noticed his phone wasn’t picking up. Seriously. Dropping his phone in a mud puddle? Classic. What an idiot! He had been late to his final, and didn’t have time to make it to a rest room and try to dry the damn thing out. It was toasted beyond all repair and he didn’t have the money to shell out for a new one. He was frustrated because that meant no contact with Sam during his entire trip home unless he wasted valuable driving time searching for a pay phone. He was afraid he was going to go into withdrawals. Ryan clicked open Sam’s e-mail sleepily, finally smiling after what seemed like ten days in hell but had really only been a few hours. He read the first few lines, expecting the normal anecdotes and comments. What he got instead was the shock of his life…well maybe Sam kissing him had been the shock of his life, but Sam’s newest e-mail was pretty damn close. He had to shake his head and read the first few sentences again. Was he for real? Ryan’s heart hammered on his ribs, heat rose into his face. ‘I need you. I want you…I love you?’ OH. MY. GOD. Any thoughts of sleep had fled from Ryan’s body. His pulse was racing, body high on pure euphoric adrenalin. He had to get to Sam! Ryan started shoving the last of his things into the bags that were piled neatly in the corner. He had already written a note to Kevin with his address and home e-mail on the bottom. He was going to miss Kevin, and hopefully get to see him soon, but the only thing that truly mattered at all to Ryan right then was seeing Sam again. Especially after that e-mail. He loved him? He loved him! Ryan had planned on a slow siege, breaking down Sam’s walls little by little over months. This was so so so much better than he expected. - 55 -

Things I’ll Never Say Ryan was closing his laptop to rush out the door when he realized he had nearly forgotten to reply to Sam. The thought of Sam thinking he had rejected him again jolted Ryan back to a slightly more rational state…slightly. Fingers shaking so bad he had to re-type the damn thing twice, he managed to tell Sam that he loved him too and was on the way…and of course that he couldn’t call because he was a klutz who always dropped shit. When he was a hundred percent sure that his e-mail had been successfully sent, Ryan grabbed the rest of his stuff, left the key on his desk, and said goodbye to the University of Washington. **** And now he was back where he belonged. Finally. Having made it in record time (driving way faster than he should have), Ryan was in the arms of the man he loved. The man he had loved forever. He remembered that old fantasy about waking up in Sam’s arms and kissing him awake. He still got hard just thinking about it. He was finally going to get to do it! Ryan turned in Sam’s embrace, loving the sexy velvety texture of their skin brushing together. Sam grumbled a little, but didn’t wake up. Ryan could tell his baby was tired as hell. Hopefully, he would forgive him for waking him up. Ryan somehow thought he might. He nuzzled at Sam’s neck, licking the warmth and taking a tiny little bite of the incredibly tender skin right behind his ear. He smelled amazing, his usual summery scent mixed with sweet sugar and cinnamon. Ryan couldn’t have dragged himself away if he had to. Sam half-moaned in his sleep and arched his back a little, pushing his bare chest up against Ryan’s. He sucked in a breath. Damn. The reality was so much better than the fantasy. Ryan wanted, no needed more. He dove in towards Sam’s neck again, loving the taste and warmth of Sam’s skin in his mouth. He was greeted by the tightening of arms and a ticklish chuckle that made every part of him tighten with need. - 56 -

M.J. O’Shea He was awake. Sam shimmied down so Ryan’s lips weren’t even with his neck anymore, but with his own mouth. Then with a slow, sexy smile, Sam claimed him. Claimed his lips with nibbling teeth, sank his luscious tongue into Ryan’s more than willing mouth. He threaded his fingers through Ryan’s hair and moaned again, out loud this time. Ryan hitched Sam’s leg over his hip and scooted as close as he could possibly get. He slipped his own tongue into Sam’s mouth, giving back everything he had in his heart. The feel of their bodies connected head to toe was the most erotic kind of paradise. Little electrical currants sang across his skin, transferring to Sam and then back to him every place where their bodies connected. The power of it kept growing until Ryan could feel his entire being humming with it. He couldn’t even begin to imagine more. Even though he wanted it more than he wanted to breathe, Ryan wasn’t sure if he could survive the pleasure. He cupped his hand around Sam’s head and gentled the kiss that had become so intense. Finally he rubbed their noses together in a soft butterfly kiss, and wrapped his arms around Sam’s body, holding him as tightly as he could. “I love you so much,” Ryan whispered in Sam’s ear. He could feel the chills, both from the feel of his breath and his words, cascading down Sam’s back. “I love you, too,” Sam replied shyly, pulling back to look at Ryan’s eyes. Then they both started grinning, which turned to laughter and them wrestling around on the bed like they had for years. It felt completely different, though. The old platonic innocence was gone. Now their game was full of brushing bare skin, fingers tickling and exploring, lips being used to their full advantage. Sam had Ryan pinned when Ryan leaned up and gave Sam’s nipple a little bite, which distracted the hell out of him. Ryan had the advantage when Sam slyly slipped his fingers down

- 57 -

Things I’ll Never Say the front of Ryan’s boxers and touched the hardness that was waiting for him there. Ryan let out a garbled moan of surrender and collapsed, his breath caught in his throat. **** Sam couldn’t wait any more. He had to touch Ryan. Hours cuddled up to his side, dozing in and out of a comfortable sleep, those deep drugging kisses, the feel of him hard and pressed up against Sam’s belly as they wrestled around, laughing. It was too much. He was itching to feel, to learn Ryan’s body and what gave him pleasure. Sam trailed seeking fingertips up and down Ryan’s shaft, loving the soft as silk skin and the steely hardness underneath. It felt amazing to be able to touch Ryan. To feel how much he wanted. It was a high unlike any Sam had ever imagined. He tested the resilient head and ran his finger around the ridge underneath before wrapping his hand firmly around the shaft and leaning in to suck on Ryan’s neck as he started to stroke. “I feel like I’ve been waiting forever to touch you,” he murmured in Ryan’s ear. Ryan moaned again and bent his legs to give Sam more room. He was breathing hard, groaning and running his hand up and down Sam’s back. He was delirious, lost in his pleasure. Sam was loving it. He started pulling on Ryan’s boxers, and Ryan lifted his hips to let them slide off. God he was beautiful. Sam would have never thought he’d think another guy’s body was so amazing, but he couldn’t stop looking, stop touching. He wanted to explore him forever, admire him with his hands…taste every single inch of him. Sam sifted his fingers through Ryan’s hair and gave him a soft tender kiss before starting to lick and kiss his way down the hard chest that was underneath him. He could hear Ryan’s breath coming in shallow little pants, his fingertips caressing Sam’s hair and grabbing at the comforter. “Baby, you don’t have to—” he started to grind out, but his sentence was cut off by a sharp intake of breath when Sam nipped at one of his stomach muscles and brushed his fingers across - 58 -

M.J. O’Shea the incredibly sensitive skin around his entrance. Ryan moaned at the new sensation. Sam looked up and gave Ryan the naughtiest smile he could manage. Then he proceeded to do everything in his power to drive him insane. He learned that Ryan’s hipbones were as sensitive as hell, and when he licked the crease between his thigh and his pelvis, Ryan nearly shot off the bed. He teased him forever, kissing, licking, circling around the flesh that Ryan needed him to touch the most. Ryan was pushing his heels into the bed, lifting his hips, trying to get closer to Sam’s teasing mouth. Sam refused to give him what he wanted just yet, but tasted and teased every sensitive little place he could find. Finally when he heard his love whisper ‘please,’ he knew the teasing was done. Sam took Ryan’s beautiful cock deep into the warmth of his mouth. The feeling was amazing. Something he never imagined he’d love, but he did. So much. Ryan let out a garbled shout and his head fell back against the pillow, turning from side to side. Sam was hard and aching, so incredibly turned on from watching the look of lust on Ryan’s face. He loved that he could get Ryan so excited but he wished he had more experience. Wished that he knew what he was doing. Sam only knew what he imagined he would like and he tried everything he had ever fantasized about. He massaged Ryan’s shaft with his stroking tongue, sucked on the head loving the smooth texture, used his hands to add to the friction. Something he did must have worked because Ryan completely lost control. He was bucking his hips, alternating between panting and holding his breath, crying out Sam’s name and how much he loved him. Sam groaned and increased his pressure, his speed. He wanted to give Ryan every pleasure possible, wanted him screaming and coming and incoherent. He cupped Ryan’s butt in his hands and pulled him as deep as he could go. Ryan tried to warn Sam that he was going to come, that he could stop and just use his hands, but Sam ignored him. He wanted to taste the man he loved, feel everything he could feel. And - 59 -

Things I’ll Never Say then it was too late. Ryan came with a shout, flooding Sam’s mouth. Sam took it all, reveling in the fact that he could do this for Ryan. He lay still for a few minutes after it was over, breathing hard, cradling Ryan’s hips in his hands. Then he crawled back up Ryan’s body with a satisfied grin, and leaned in at the top to give him a deep kiss. Ryan growled low in his throat and pulled him in close, wrapping his leg around Sam’s thighs and slipping his own hand into Sam’s boxers to caress the sensitive skin of his lower back. He nuzzled Sam’s neck, and rubbed his hips up into Sam’s erection. “Was that okay?” Sam asked, not wanting to be a naïve disappointment. He groaned when Ryan gripped his butt and wriggled against his crotch. “It was way more than okay, baby,” Ryan murmured. “I’m so glad I waited for you all this time.” It took a second for that to sink it. “You mean? You’ve never…” Sam looked at Ryan in wonder. “I haven’t. I never wanted to. At least not with anyone but you.” Sam gave Ryan a hard kiss. “I know what you mean. It would’ve never felt right until this. But we feel…” “So amazing,” Ryan finished, and gently tugged Sam’s boxers out of the way. His hand trailed down Sam’s flat stomach before wrapping around his pulsing erection. Ryan sighed like he had just found home. Sam already knew he had. He groaned and lifted his hips into Ryan’s caressing hand. “Hon, you don’t have to just cause I did…I wanted to.” The sexy, loving look on Ryan’s face was almost enough to make Sam come already. “You called me ‘hon.’ I love it,” he murmured stroking Sam and giving him slow hot kisses. “And what makes you think I don’t want to touch you as much as you wanted to touch me? I’ve - 60 -

M.J. O’Shea been dying to do this for years.” With that he lowered his lips to Sam’s chest and it all started again. **** An hour later Ryan was sitting at the kitchen counter watching Sam make them a snack. He had sat in the same place hundreds of times, admiring Sam, wanting him. It was so different than it had been before. He could lust after Sam openly, instead of pretending not to watch him, think of being inside of Sam’s incredible warmth or having Sam pushing into him and not have to try to hide his shudder. Sam was different, too. The change in him was enough to make Ryan’s breath catch in his throat. He’d brush by him constantly, touching, dropping little kisses on his lips and neck; and instead of concentrating on his work like he used to Sam would look up every few seconds and give him these hot little smiles that said ‘I want you.’ Playing that afternoon had far from satisfied either one of them. They would probably still be in bed if Ryan’s stomach hadn’t growled loudly, announcing that he had barely eaten in the last two days. Sam had laughed, and insisted on fixing them something to eat, so they wouldn’t get distracted later. Later. Ryan couldn’t wait for later. He knew they would be up for hours, learning the secrets of each other’s bodies—touching, tasting, and loving. He remembered how he used to fantasize about what Sam’s gentle, nimble fingers could do to him. Just thinking of what they had already done earlier nearly made him moan out loud. While he waited for dinner, Ryan sampled one of the fantastic cakes Sam had brought home from class. He had to stop himself from groaning out loud at the cinnamony cream cheese frosting. It wasn’t quite as good as sex…but he’d probably give it a damn close second. He - 61 -

Things I’ll Never Say licked a stray glob of it off his lip then noticed Sam grinning. It was the naughty grin from earlier. The one that Ryan was getting to know rather well. He loved it. “What?” he asked. “You know what I was thinking about when I made that frosting?” Sam’s low chuckle was warm and sexy, enough to make Ryan’s blood heat. “I think I can guess,” he answered a bit breathlessly. He dipped his finger into the frosting on his cake and held it out to Sam. The tip of Sam’s pink tongue curled around Ryan’s finger licking slowly. Then he smiled his ‘I want you’ smile again. Ryan’s returning smile told him he could have him any and every way he could think of...Soon. Sam trembled visibly, and was just hurrying to put the two grilled tomato and cheese sandwiches and the salad on a big tray so they could go back upstairs when the front doorbell rang. “Who the hell is this going to be?” Ryan asked. The homes on Sam’s road were so secluded they rarely got any random callers. He was annoyed. He wanted Sam all to himself. He had even sent Rosaria off to her sister’s for a visit so they would be alone. Sam shrugged. “I don’t know, baby, but my hands are covered in stuff. Can you go see?” ‘Hon,’ ‘baby’—Ryan was in heaven. His heart pitter-pattered happily. He nodded, and leaned over to brush a kiss across Sam’s amazingly soft lips before ambling out to the front hall. Ryan didn’t know what he was expecting but he couldn’t have been more shocked. When he opened the door, he found five very anxious looking women huddled on the front step. “Mom?” Ryan’s mouth dropped open. “Oh, thank god you’re alive!” she exclaimed. Then she clocked him on the shoulder with her purse and pulled him into a hard hug. Ryan laughed and hugged her back; first his mother, then

- 62 -

M.J. O’Shea his four awe-struck sisters. They had never been to Sam’s house before. It must have been a bit of a culture shock after their very ordinary rambler in the valley. His older sister Kate piped up. “We were so worried about you! You didn’t return any of our calls. We didn’t even know you would be here. Actually, we were coming to see if Sam knew what happened to you. He wasn’t answering his phone either.” Ryan blushed when he realized why Sam probably hadn’t answered his phone. Thank god for the snack or his family would have walked in on a very different scene! Ryan smothered a laugh at the idea of his mother and sisters being greeted by an obviously well loved Sam, pink cheeked and hastily dressed. His mom probably would have cheered and given Ryan a high five. He did feel horrible, though. He couldn’t believe he had forgotten to tell them about his phone breaking. He had been so—well, let’s just say he had forgotten. “I’m so sorry, guys. I just got here.” Okay that was kind of a lie. “I dropped my phone in a puddle yesterday. I meant to e-mail, I thought I had, but I guess I was just so rushed I forgot.” He smiled sheepishly, knowing they would forgive him. Of course they did. Just then, Ryan heard footsteps coming from the kitchen. “Baby, who was at the door?” Sam called. Very clearly. Ryan didn’t miss the various grins and knowing looks on his mother and sisters’ faces. Sam wandered into the foyer, where he stopped stalk still. His face turned bright red. “Uh hi…wow. Mrs. Taggert. Hi, guys.” He waved to Ryan’s sisters. Poor thing was obviously dying of embarrassment. Ryan decided to let him off the hook. He walked over and laced his fingers through Sam’s. “It’s okay. They already know, at least about my side of it. I told them a long time ago that I was in love with you but that I thought it was hopeless.” He gave Sam a teasing little caress on the tip of his nose with his fingertip and kissed his cheek. - 63 -

Things I’ll Never Say “Yeah, took you long enough, Sam!” Ryan’s closest sister, Sandra, teased. She was only one year younger than them and had always thought Sam was hot. Sam blushed again. “Um, you guys want to come in? I was just making dinner.” Sam was obviously nervous. He clutched Ryan’s hand for dear life. Ryan brushed his thumb gently on Sam’s wrist to soothe him. He loved that Sam was so sweet to his family but he wished they had picked a more convenient time to show up. Ryan sighed. Obviously that dinner was going to have to be more than just a quick snack before going back to bed to feast on each other...damn it! Ryan’s family marveled over what must have seemed like a palace to them. The kitchen alone was bigger than their living room, dining room, and kitchen combined. Sam still had the sandwich and salad stuff out, and he had a big pot of his amazing tomato basil soup in the fridge that he heated up. That paired with more of Sam’s delicious little cakes made for a group of very happy females. Dinner was cozy and friendly. It was exactly the dream Ryan had been having for years; him and Sam together, surrounded by people who cared about them, Sam looking at him with love and desire in his eyes. Ryan couldn’t believe how happy he was. But he was still frustrated. Sam was right there, just across the counter from him, serving soup and laughing with Ryan’s sisters, getting mothered by his mom and fitting in beautifully. He liked watching Sam becoming a part of his family but he wanted something else a whole lot more right then. He knew Sam did, too. Every once in a while when he was clearing a bowl, or getting someone another drink, Sam would brush by Ryan. Each time he would touch him possessively, on his arm or his knee, the small of his back. Those little touches that marked them as a couple were almost hotter than the idea of him and Sam naked and wrapped around each other in bed. Ryan had to grip the seat of - 64 -

M.J. O’Shea his chair to keep from jumping on top of him. To say it was hard for them to keep apart would be an understatement. When no one was looking, they would exchange heated glances. Looks that said they couldn’t wait to be alone, loving each other, sinking into each other’s skin. It was nearly unbearable. **** Finally, after what seemed like eternity, Ryan’s family was herded out the door. He and Sam had enthusiastically promised to come over for dinner one night during the week in an effort to speed up their departure. Sam had officially been invited for Christmas morning, too. Ryan could tell he was happy to be included. As they were getting into their car, his mother suddenly looked like she remembered something. “Oh yeah, Ryan. I bought you some sweatshirts and rain gear to take back with you to Seattle. They had a sale at Costco. Don’t let me forget to give them to you.” Ryan could see Sam’s face sink. He obviously didn’t want to be reminded of Ryan’s departure. Ryan guessed this was as good a time as any for his surprise. “Well, actually, I’m not going back to Seattle, Mom. I missed everyone too much.” He looked at Sam and saw a glowing smile spread across his face. “My application got accepted to transfer to UCLA.” His sisters shrieked and cheered, and his mom rushed over to give him a big hug. “Welcome home, honey,” she said. Ryan grinned. He was home and it felt great. **** As soon as the door shut, Sam barreled into Ryan’s arms. When he heard Ryan say he wasn’t going back to Seattle, he had nearly started crying because he was so relieved. Now he just held on with all his strength as Ryan chuckled in his arms and held onto him right back. - 65 -

Things I’ll Never Say “I can’t believe you’re not leaving me,” Sam finally murmured, peppering Ryan’s neck with kisses. “I couldn’t do it. I was so miserable without you. Seattle was cool, but I needed to be near you. It was getting worse for me the longer we were apart. I would have come home for you even if you didn’t want me and we had ended up just being friends.” Sam made a little sound of denial and held on tighter. “You make me so happy,” he finally whispered. Sam hesitated then decided on a little confession of his own. “I was going to try to be just friends too, cause I thought that’s what you wanted. All I wanted was you, but I probably would have never said anything.” He halfway chuckled. “I’ll never be so grateful in my life as I am to that bottle of Barolo.” Ryan grinned. “Liquid courage?” “Big time. I was so mad at myself when I woke up yesterday. But then I saw your e-mail and I realized it was the best thing I could have done.” “I’m glad you did it. We could have wasted so much time,” Ryan told him, and cupped Sam’s face in his hands. Sam loved the feeling of Ryan’s big warm hands surrounding him. He curled his index fingers through Ryan’s belt loops. “Let’s not waste any more time then. I’ve been dying for you all night. It took more willpower than I thought I had not to rip your clothes off in front of your entire family.” Sam could feel Ryan shiver. “I know, me too. I want you so bad,” Ryan whispered. Sam planted a long, drugging kiss on Ryan’s lips. He leaned up and whispered in Ryan’s ear. “Then take me. I’m all yours.” Ryan claimed Sam’s mouth in a kiss far more intense than any they had shared so far. Sam couldn’t decide where he wanted to touch Ryan the most. His hands roamed from the soft skin of - 66 -

M.J. O’Shea his back, to the silk of his hair, to the clean line of his jaw. Ryan’s arms were around him, pulling him closer. Eager hands were sneaking under his shirt, touching his back, creating little paths of fireworks exploding on his skin. They devoured each other right there in the front hall for long minutes. The only sounds were their quiet moans as they tried to get closer and closer. Sam couldn’t stand much more torture. He wanted Ryan naked, legs entwined with his. He needed to feel the smooth warmth of Ryan’s skin, to press up against him and feel how hard he was. He wanted Ryan inside of him. He felt Ryan’s hands at his zipper, just centimeters away from his aching cock. He was afraid if Ryan touched him right then, he would explode and it would be over before it had even started. He gulped hard. “Upstairs…” He grabbed Ryan’s hand and pulled. They stumbled up the stairs, kissing and groping. Shirts came off in the hallway, and they greedily tasted each other’s skin, licking nipples and grabbing at the zippers and buttons in a frantic race to get rid of all their clothes. It seemed like eternity before they were exactly where they had wanted to be all night. Skin to skin under the covers in his big soft bed that had a view of the ocean. Neither one of them even glanced at the water. At that moment, some of the raw hunger calmed and they both realized the importance of what they were about to do. This wasn’t just some hook up. It was love. Both of them wanted it to be perfect. They trembled when they touched, and Ryan’s hand shook from love and lust and nerves as he reached over to brush a lock of hair off of Sam’s face. “Do you have any idea how in love with you I am?” Ryan asked gently, rubbing his thumb on Sam’s cheek. Sam melted inside. How could he ever have dreamed that he could live without this man? “Yeah, I think I do,” he answered. “If it’s anything like how I feel about you.” - 67 -

Things I’ll Never Say Ryan smiled, but then his smile faded and he looked a little worried. “Baby, I want this, I want you, so bad.” Ryan hesitated. “But I don’t want to hurt you. Are you sure you don’t want to do it the other way?” Sam shuddered at the idea of being surrounded by Ryan’s tight heat, sinking into his beautiful body. “Of course I do. Eventually. But not this time. I want to feel you inside of me. I need you to make me yours.” He pulled Ryan on top of him and wrapped his strong legs around Ryan’s waist. Ryan surrendered to him with the sexiest groan that Sam had ever heard. He leaned down to kiss Sam again, this time with no hesitation. Their tongues were rubbing, teeth testing the delicious softness of lips, breath coming in short heated pants. Ryan ground his erection against Sam’s, already dripping and slick. Sam grabbed Ryan’s round, gorgeously muscled rear and pulled him closer, lifting his own hips off the bed and rubbing their combined slickness all over. It was amazing. More than amazing. The sensations sang in his body, shimmery and lightning hot. Sam cried out when Ryan moved around to suck on his neck, unable to keep quiet. Ryan sucked at Sam’s collarbone, and dragged his teeth across the soft nerve filled skin around it. Sam felt like his body was one continuous explosion of sensation, detonating in waves. He wanted to kiss Ryan too, to love him all over with his lips and his hands, but Ryan would have none of it. “Next time,” was all he would whisper, as he started to make his way down Sam’s body with his tongue. Sam was on fire. Ryan had engulfed his already aching erection in the wet heat of his mouth, and was using his magic talented tongue to do things that Sam didn’t even know were possible. He was blissfully out of control, losing all rational thought. He could feel his own hips undulating, not conscious of making the movement, just of the overwhelming need to get as far into Ryan’s mouth as possible. - 68 -

M.J. O’Shea Ryan’s hands were driving him just as insane, cupping his hips, testing the sensitive skin near his entrance. Sam wanted to scream out loud. It was getting harder and harder not to come and he didn’t want to until Ryan was inside of him. Ryan changed his focus then, gently releasing Sam’s cock from his mouth with a small pop. He licked his way even lower, and pushed on Sam’s knees opening them as much as possible. When Sam felt the wet gentle touch of Ryan’s tongue on the skin around his entrance, he nearly shot from the bed. “Does that feel okay, baby?” Ryan asked with a concerned voice, looking up. Sam’s only answer was a strangled ‘Amazing.’ Sam pushed his head into the pillow, and arched his back instinctively. Ryan kissed and licked and massaged the muscles with soft fingers, loosening them. Sam thought he was going to die if he didn’t get relief from the teasing soft touches soon. That’s when Ryan sucked on his index finger and pushed the moist digit inside, starting to stretch Sam for his body. “Oh, God,” Sam cried out. He couldn’t even believe how good it felt to have some little part of Ryan inside of him. He wanted more. Ryan must have decided Sam’s cock belonged back inside of his mouth because he took it in, and started the magic tongue dance once again. At the same time, he kept stretching Sam’s body, adding another finger and then a third. Sam lost it completely. He pushed against Ryan’s fingers, trying to get him in deeper, he shivered and clenched every muscle he had to try and hold back the orgasm that was raging in his blood. Turned out in the end to be impossible. Ryan’s fingers kept brushing up against a spot inside of Sam that made an intense pleasure flash through his body. That, combined with Ryan’s mouth on him was just too much. He came, gasping Ryan’s name. **** Sam lay on his back sweating and breathing hard as Ryan slowly slithered back up to plant a gentle kiss on his lips. - 69 -

Things I’ll Never Say Sam laughed quietly. “You are so amazing. Where on earth did you learn how to do that?” Ryan gave him a slow, sexy smile and kissed him again. “Research. I told you someday that my geeky side would come in handy.” Sam laughed. Of course. He trailed a thumb across Ryan’s cheek and lifted his head to kiss him. They were quiet for a few minutes. They had shifted in the bed so he was sprawled on top of Ryan, legs tangled together. Sam floated happily, not really thinking about anything. He was just happy to be. There was something he needed to ask, though. He looked up from where his head had been resting contentedly on Ryan’s warm chest. His boyfriend’s sleepy sexy half-lidded stare made his stomach flip for the hundredth time that day. “What?” Ryan asked quietly, smiling. He rubbed Sam’s back gently, making him want to arch into Ryan’s touch and purr like a cat. “When did you know?” Sam murmured. Ryan smiled sheepishly. He obviously didn’t need any clarification. “I’m not sure if I want to admit to that,” he joked before brushing Sam’s hair off his forehead. “Hey, I wrote that e-mail and I kissed you! That’s gotta be worth at least ten confessions.” Ryan chuckled. “I think I always felt it, honestly. I was happiest when I was with you.” He paused, running his fingertips over Sam’s cheekbones, his eyebrows, his lips. “I probably admitted to myself that I was totally in love with you when we were about fifteen.” Sam’s heart exploded in his chest. He couldn’t believe that Ryan had felt this for so long. Sam had barely been able to last three months. It must have been awful… “Is that why you wanted to go to Seattle?” Ryan looked embarrassed, but nodded. “I couldn’t take it anymore.”

- 70 -

M.J. O’Shea “I wish I’d known,” Sam murmured, kissing the skin of Ryan’s neck. “Looking back, I think I’ve felt it all along, too. I must have just pushed it away before the thought ever became conscious. It’s too bad I didn’t realize it earlier.” Ryan smiled. “I wish you did too since it apparently took you to do something about it. I was too much of a damn chicken to act on my feelings.” “Hey!” Sam teased, giggling. “That’s my boyfriend you’re calling a chicken!” Ryan’s smile stretched into a broad teasing grin. “Boyfriend, huh?” Sam pinched Ryan’s side but then tempered it with a sweet kiss. “I sure hope so because laying in bed together naked definitely doesn’t fall under the category of acceptable best friend activities!” They both laughed and Ryan gave Sam a big slurpy kiss on his neck. Sam responded with a real kiss, warm and deep. The laughter faded as their kisses became intense once again. Ryan slid Sam underneath him and started a slow sexy grind with his hips. Sam could feel the hard heat of Ryan’s body rubbing against all of the places that he had just loved so thoroughly with his hands and mouth. Sam lifted his legs instinctively, wrapping his thighs around Ryan’s hips and loving the friction of their bodies moving together. He dropped his head back and panted. Ryan’s eyes were closed, soft moans were spilling from his lips. Just the sight of him so turned on and sexy made Sam shudder. He lifted his hips against Ryan’s steely shaft, aching to feel it sliding into him. The head bumped up against his entrance and Sam gasped. He wanted Ryan inside him. No more waiting. Sam slipped out from underneath Ryan. He leaned over, and pulled the tube of lubricant out of his nightstand drawer. Ryan who had sat back for a second on his heels looking slightly confused, suddenly understood. - 71 -

Things I’ll Never Say “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” His voice a hoarse half whisper. “God, yes,” Sam answered. He was so ready that he thought he would die if he didn’t have it. Sam opened the lube, and poured some in his hand. Heating it up, he spread it on Ryan’s shaft, loving the intense pleasure he saw on Ryan’s face after only one simple touch. Ryan took the lube from him, and poured some in his own hand. With a look of awe, he massaged it around Sam’s most sensitive skin. Then he gently entered Sam with two slick fingers. Sam’s breath hitched in his throat. “Ryan, I need you now.” He positioned his hips to guide Ryan in. Ryan pushed slowly using gentle pressure. One little inch at a time he moved until he was all the way inside of Sam, buried to the hilt. Sam let out a sharp breath. “Are you okay, baby?” Ryan looked concerned. He started to pull out. Sam grabbed his hips and held him in place. “It hurt at first but it’s going away. Just wait for a second, I’ll get used to it.” Ryan waited patiently, although Sam could see how hard it was for him to stay still. The pain did fade, and it left Sam with a luscious fullness, the sense of Ryan completing something in him that had been halfway missing. It felt beautiful. Sam rolled his hips experimentally, wanting to feel more of the man inside of him. He dropped his head back and groaned when Ryan rubbed up against that white lightening spot he’d found earlier. Sam pulled on Ryan squeezing his hips to let him know he was okay, then he moved again, trying to find that amazing elusive spot. Ryan did it for him. With each thrust, Ryan brushed against it, making Sam sob with pleasure. He had come just minutes before, but unbelievably he felt the rush building in him again. Sam bucked underneath Ryan, wrapping both of his legs around Ryan’s grinding hips. He loved the slick feel of Ryan’s body slipping in and out of him, his warm breath bathing Sam’s neck. Their shivering cries of pleasure blended in the night air. Ryan searched blindly, finding - 72 -

M.J. O’Shea Sam’s hands and twining their fingers together. Sam’s heart lurched painfully in his chest, so full of love it barely felt like it fit behind his ribs any longer. It was impossible to withstand. The combination of Ryan’s thick shaft hitting him in all the right places, the soft skin of his stomach rubbing against Sam’s erection, and the emotion shining so clearly in his eyes made it nearly impossible to hold on to control. In the end, it was Ryan’s whispered words, telling Sam he would always love him, that made him lose it completely. He was catapulted over the edge, his inner muscles clenching in ecstasy. Sam was followed closely by Ryan, who shouted out before collapsing on top of him, spent. They lay like that quietly for a few minutes, catching their breath. Sam gently trailed his fingers up and down Ryan’s sweaty back, loving him, loving the moment. He was so content he felt like he could stay there forever. Eventually, Ryan slipped out of him and moved to the side so he could pull Sam back into his arms. They kissed softly, foreheads resting together. “That was so completely amazing,” Ryan whispered. “I know. I couldn’t have even imagined it, even though I spent hours trying.” Sam was sure the look on his face matched Ryan’s, worn out but totally happy. Ryan chuckled tiredly. “Yeah, me too. I spent the entire drive here dreaming about what I wanted to do with you.” He cupped Sam’s butt in his hands and pulled him closer. Sam winced slightly. “Sorry, baby. Are you really sore?” Sam wiggled experimentally, and grinned. “I probably will be a little tomorrow. It was worth it though.” “Yeah?” Ryan returned his grin. They kissed again. “You’ll find out soon enough.” Sam teased. Ryan was counting on it. **** - 73 -

Things I’ll Never Say One year later... Life was good, Ryan decided. No, it was better than good. Every day may not be perfect, but he was so overwhelmingly happy most of the time that he could barely believe it was real. Even now on the drive home from a long tiring day of shopping, something that he had always hated, he couldn’t really manage to work himself into a bad mood. He had spent hours that day agonizing over Christmas gifts for his family, his mother, his sisters, Sam. He thought he finally had something perfect for each one of them, but the quest had exhausted him. When Ryan finally pulled into the long driveway leading home, he couldn’t have been more relieved. He had been looking forward to this night all week. He and Sam on their own for a few hours of peace before his mother and sisters descended on the house tomorrow. They had all decided to have the family Christmas celebrations at the beach this year since Sam’s parents had called to say they were spending the holidays in Paris with friends. Ryan still got angry when he thought of how little time Sam’s parents had spent getting to know their amazing son, but he was comforted by the fact that Sam was surrounded by more love than he could probably handle. Sam’s adoption into Ryan’s overbearing but lovable family of females was wholehearted. His mother called Sam for recipes; his sisters bugged him for boy advice. They invited themselves over regularly for barbecues and beach days. Ryan would have felt sorry for the guy, but he obviously loved it. Over the summer, he and Sam had told their old high school crew that they were a couple. True to form, the guys hadn’t been worried at all about the gay thing. They told Sam and Ryan that they were happy for them, and then asked if they wanted to go surfing, which really was all they had ever cared about. Ryan and Sam of course said yes, and things were basically the same as they had always been. Like he said, life was good. - 74 -

M.J. O’Shea Ryan whistled as he hid his packages in the trunk until later when he could come out with boxes to put them in. He couldn’t wait to see everyone’s faces when they saw their gifts. He opened the front door, surprised when his senses were assailed by the most heavenly of smells. Sam had spent the last few days baking, cooking, and decorating. Getting ready to host his first family holiday, obsessing over every last detail. Ryan had thought it was adorable, but imagined that Sam would be dead tired by that night. He had assumed they would order some Thai, or a veggie pizza from the pizzeria a few miles down the road and curl up with a movie. Instead, he found Sam in the kitchen, wiping the counter, table set and candles glowing cheerily. “Hey, gorgeous, what’s the special occasion?” He came up behind Sam and wrapped his arms around him, kissing that spot on Sam’s neck that he knew made him melt. Ryan still couldn’t believe how lucky he was. They had celebrated their first anniversary two weeks before, but it barely felt like a week had passed since their first night together. “No occasion,” Sam answered, covering Ryan’s hands with his own. “I just love you.” Ryan growled and pulled Sam in closer. “I love you too, baby.” He nibbled a path to Sam’s collarbone. Sam moaned and then laughed breathlessly, turning around in Ryan’s arms. He kissed him gently on the lips. Ryan still marveled at the softness of Sam’s mouth. “Let’s eat dinner,” Sam murmured. “I made your favorite.” “You’re my favorite,” he answered softly, but let Sam lead him to the table. **** Later, after dinner which was, as usual, beyond delicious, after Sam took Ryan up to their room and made love to him until he was shaking and sweaty with Sam clenched deep inside of him, after they had gotten their breath back and were finally settled on earth, Ryan lay quietly with Sam curled in his arms. He was halfway dozing when Sam wiggled out of his hold and sat - 75 -

Things I’ll Never Say up. Ryan opened his eyes and looked at Sam quizzically. Sam seemed a little nervous. In fact, Ryan thought, he had seemed a little nervous all night. “You okay, Sammy?” Sam swallowed hard. “Have you been happy with me?” Where on earth did that come from? Ryan didn’t understand, but he could see Sam needed an answer. “Baby, you know I have. You make me happier than anything else in the world.” Sam took another deep breath. He leaned over to the floor and got something out of the pocket of his jeans. Ryan felt his heart pound. Was something wrong? Sam sat back up and paused, looking at Ryan, before he continued. “Can you see yourself being in love with someone else like this? I mean do you think someone else will ever make you this happy?” Sam’s hands were trembling. Ryan felt an abject horror fill his stomach. Sam wasn’t trying to tell him he had found someone else, was he? “Never.” Ryan answered, his voice a little shaky. “I’ve loved you since we were kids. I’m yours and I always will be.” Please let him feel the same way. Ryan noticed with relief that Sam was smiling. Thank God. He wasn’t trying to break up with him. Even though he was smiling, Sam still trembled. Then he held out his hand and slowly opened it. When Ryan saw what was inside, what Sam had been holding onto the entire night, his heart exploded with joy. Nestled on the pillow of Sam’s palm were two perfect matching silver bands. “I guess I have one more question, then,” Sam began. His voice was shaking. Ryan’s heart was pounding, ecstatic, nervous, filled with love. “Will you marry me?” Sam looked at Ryan, hope in his eyes. - 76 -

M.J. O’Shea How could he even wonder? Ryan launched himself at Sam, bowling him over and covering his face and neck with enthusiastic nuzzling kisses. “Yes yes yes!” he exclaimed over Sam’s giggles. They kissed long and hard. Somehow, despite Sam’s still shaking hands and Ryan’s giddy joy, they managed to slip the rings onto each other’s fingers. They lay back on the bed; both of them quiet for the moment but smiling hugely. Ryan twined the fingers of their left hands together, and held them up to see the matching silver bands glinting in the moonlight. They looked perfect together. Yes, he thought. Life is definitely good.

- 77 -